miyooper2b
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Posts: 329
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Jul 13, 2023 14:07:51 GMT
This is vent. I know I can safely post this here and get it off my chest.
Background - My apologies if this gets long.
My nephew (my brother's only son) is getting married next week to a very lovely woman. The whole family is very happy for them and ecstatic about the wedding. Our family is very small and this is the first wedding since DD#1 got married nearly 20 years ago. Nephew is very close to my parents, his grandparents.
The wedding is nine hours from me and six hours from my parents. This is not an issue, we've been planning to attend since Nephew and Fiancé announced their engagement more than two years ago. BnB reservations were made nearly a year ago. This is in a high tourist area and hotels are expensive and fill up quickly.
Currently the plan is for me and DH to drive to my parents, pick them up and drive them to the city where the wedding will be held. Wedding is on a Friday. Saturday there are family events planned including a brunch, opening of the wedding presents and touring the newlywed's new home. We will drive home on Sunday.
Mom and dad have a cat that they spoil even more than the grandkids. The cat is a very good cat, does not have any anxiety issues and is very laid back. They have left the cat at home in the past, with someone coming in to feed him, back when they had a motorhome and would be gone for a week or more, several times a year. However, they haven't traveled for about five years, partly due to covid and partly due to their age (middle 80's). They do have some minor medical issues but nothing that prevents them from attending the wedding and enjoying themselves.
The issue:
Starting a few weeks ago mom and dad started saying they were worried about leaving the cat. My brother and I kept telling them that the cat will be fine. DD#2 will coming daily to feed the cat after she gets off of work. DD#2 just got a new job and can't take time off for the wedding so this worked out perfect. The last couple of times I've visited they kept talking about leaving the cat and we kept assuring them the cat will be fine for three days. No, he won't be constantly fed snacks or fed milk at 5:00 a.m. but he will be getting fed everyday. The cat is very fat and frankly they overfeed him. He has the run of the house and back patio he go out on and watch birds in the backyard.
Last week mom and dad told DD#1 that they were thinking about staying home because they don't want to leave the cat. Their excuse was that the cat isn't used to being home alone. Me, my brother and my SIL were a bit upset about this but we calmly talked to them about it again and they seemed fine with the arrangements after that chat. Monday they told DGD#2 they weren't sure they were going to go because they don't want to leave the cat.
Now, don't get me wrong, we love animals. I have four cats and my brother has two but at this point we are trying to understand what exactly is going on. They say they want to attend the wedding but don't want to leave the cat alone. I know my nephew will be upset if his grandparents don't attend his wedding.
My SIL thinks there is some sort of anxiety issue going on about the situation and they are using the cat as an excuse. My brother went over last night and talked to them about it again, trying to figure what's really going on. They kept repeating they want to attend the wedding but are worried about leaving the cat alone. My brother went so far as to offer to get a pet sitter or ask DD#2 to stay at the house (answer was no, they don't want a stranger in the house and they don't want DD#2 to go out of her way).
He also put together a detailed itinerary of all the dates, times and activities and gave it to them, thinking they might be anxious because they don't know exactly what is happening when. They will know nearly everyone at the wedding. They've vacationed in the area many times before and are very familiar with it. They've even stayed at the BnB we are all staying at. We've done everything we can think of to alleviate their anxiety about leaving the cat.
The anxiety over the cat is relatively new and we need to get them into a doctor about it but that probably won't happen before the wedding next week. My brother is going to call their PCP today (he has medical POA) to see if anything can be done between now and then. (I'm thinking a couple of valium are in order! J/K)
At this moment they are still planning on attending the wedding but I'm afraid I'll show up to pick them up next Thursday and they will have changed their minds again.
And, no the cat cannot go with us. I don't have room in my car for a cat in a carrier and the BnB doesn't allow pets. The city we are going to is in a high tourist area and hotels have been booked for months so there is not an option to change hotels at this late date without a lot of expense. I'm hoping that they will just get in the car and enjoy themselves.
***************************************************UPDATE****************************************
I called and talked to my brother and we discussed the various comments made here. We agreed that there may be something else going on of which we aren't aware. I called mom and dad after that conversation and had a frank talk with them about this trip. They have always been open with us about their medical issues so I was confident we'd get to the bottom of this.
Turns out it's really just about the cat and not about any hidden medical issues. They are excited to attend the wedding and unless something catastrophic happens they plan on being there. They have no problem with the drive, the activities or the crowd.
So I asked what was it about the cat that was causing them to make these comments? They said they are afraid the cat will be lonely, and they worry because he's only getting fed once a day, not twice and that he won't get his morning milk. So their going to ask my elderly aunt to come over in the morning and give the cat his milk and breakfast. I offered to hire a cat sitter but they don't want a stranger in the house. I guess if my aunt is okay with this and it makes my parents feel better we'll just roll with it.
I would like to address a comment that was made by someone saying she would be pissed if her kids had called her doctor over this. Mom's sodium levels dropped very low a couple of years ago and she ended up in the hospital for a week. It was very serious. She had been acting a little odd before this but we didn't catch on right away to the seriousness of the issue. Mom and dad's PCP had asked my brother to contact her if either of them started acting out of character so that there would not be a repeat of that episode. We felt this seemed out of character and that is why my brother was going to call their PCP. As far as we are concerned, better safe than sorry.
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Post by mom on Jul 13, 2023 14:19:26 GMT
I agree -- I don't think this is about the cat. After just getting back from taking my 77 year old Dad on a trip, if I had to guess, I'd say their anxiety is about THEM being gone for several days. My dad was good with being gone a night, but starting 2 nights and anything more than that and he was getting antsy about his routine being disrupted. By the time we got off the plane yesterday, he was so ready to be home - even though he had been to where we had gone, knew the people we went to see, etc, but he was ready to be home.
I hope it all works out for you. Let us know!
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Post by workingclassdog on Jul 13, 2023 14:23:59 GMT
uggg I understand the issues with aging parents. My mom is 83 and she is also not liking going anywhere much. Although she does do things still. But if she is gone more than a few days overnight all she talks about is getting home. I guess that what happens. My mom doesn't have pets to blame either. I have struggled with this but I need to realize how old she is getting and not wanting to do things.
Maybe if you can get tell them this is probably one of the last big milestones they will be going to they will see if from that viewpoint?
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Post by librarylady on Jul 13, 2023 14:26:38 GMT
It may be that one of them has a body that has "turned on them." DH is age 84. He quit traveling (even a few hours) to visit and absolutely would not fly to see our son. I finally figured it out--he now has
the need to use the toilet giving him very little notice and he is afraid he won't get to the restroom or find a restroom in time.
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SabrinaP
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Post by SabrinaP on Jul 13, 2023 14:28:42 GMT
So sorry you are having to deal with this stress. I agree with you and your brother that it’s probably not the cat and something else causing them to not want to go. If they haven’t traveled in 5 years, I’m sure there is a lot of anxiety there for them. Hope you are able to get it worked out and everyone enjoys the wedding.
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Post by rst on Jul 13, 2023 14:30:03 GMT
I think the anxiety issue sounds likely.
My parents are roughly that age bracket, and the prospect of being away from home and having a lot of events they need to attend on a specific timeline is very hard for my dad in particular. He worries that his bladder or bowels won't cooperate, that the food will make him feel ill, that he'll get overtired and need to take a nap, that he'll fall in unfamiliar settings, etc. All the above anxieties translated to him backing out of a grandson's wedding last minute. My mom attended with my sister and her family and did ok, though she seemed very overwhelmed and disoriented sometimes.
Even the fact that they will know everyone there can be overwhelming. What if they can't recall names they should know? What if everyone notices how much they've aged? etc.
If you give some thought to the various things that might be cause for anxiety for them and give them ways to gracefully get out of difficult experiences, that might help. The idea of the detailed itinerary, while good, might have made anxiety worse-- so many events, so many people, so much activity. So maybe offering a list of all the events they can safely skip would help. You could assure them that you will take them back to the bnb to relax if need be. Or discussing a secret "we need out of here" family code word can be useful. How about a designated family member who will discretely mention names of everyone so they can avoid the embarrassment of forgetting names?
I hope they go and everyone has a wonderful time. But if they don't, it's not the end of the world. The young couple can meet up with them in a less pressured environment and share some photos and memories.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jul 13, 2023 14:35:49 GMT
It may be that one of them has a body that has "turned on them." DH is age 84. He quit traveling (even a few hours) to visit and absolutely would not fly to see our son. I finally figured it out--he now has the need to use the toilet giving him very little notice and he is afraid he won't get to the restroom or find a restroom in time. That's what I was going to suggest. That generation doesn't like to admit that their bladders don't work as well as they used to. Well, who does? My Mum (88) and FIL (83) have been struggling with this issue for years and FIL didn't say anything until he had no choice. You could do a bit of research into things to help (pads or temporary bags can be bought, other services might take too long to get arranged in time but could be done for the future) maybe, and bring the subject up with them. It does not have to stop them from travelling comfortably. |
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pinklady
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Post by pinklady on Jul 13, 2023 14:39:21 GMT
This is vent. I know I can safely post this here and get it off my chest. Background - My apologies if this gets long. My nephew (my brother's only son) is getting married next week to a very lovely woman. The whole family is very happy for them and ecstatic about the wedding. Our family is very small and this is the first wedding since DD#1 got married nearly 20 years ago. Nephew is very close to my parents, his grandparents. The wedding is nine hours from me and six hours from my parents. This is not an issue, we've been planning to attend since Nephew and Fiancé announced their engagement more than two years ago. BnB reservations were made nearly a year ago. This is in a high tourist area and hotels are expensive and fill up quickly. Currently the plan is for me and DH to drive to my parents, pick them up and drive them to the city where the wedding will be held. Wedding is on a Friday. Saturday there are family events planned including a brunch, opening of the wedding presents and touring the newlywed's new home. We will drive home on Sunday. Mom and dad have a cat that they spoil even more than the grandkids. The cat is a very good cat, does not have any anxiety issues and is very laid back. They have left the cat at home in the past, with someone coming in to feed him, back when they had a motorhome and would be gone for a week or more, several times a year. However, they haven't traveled for about five years, partly due to covid and partly due to their age (middle 80's). They do have some minor medical issues but nothing that prevents them from attending the wedding and enjoying themselves. The issue: Starting a few weeks ago mom and dad started saying they were worried about leaving the cat. My brother and I kept telling them that the cat will be fine. DD#2 will coming daily to feed the cat after she gets off of work. DD#2 just got a new job and can't take time off for the wedding so this worked out perfect. The last couple of times I've visited they kept talking about leaving the cat and we kept assuring them the cat will be fine for three days. No, he won't be constantly fed snacks or fed milk at 5:00 a.m. but he will be getting fed everyday. The cat is very fat and frankly they overfeed him. He has the run of the house and back patio he go out on and watch birds in the backyard. Last week mom and dad told DD#1 that they were thinking about staying home because they don't want to leave the cat. Their excuse was that the cat isn't used to being home alone. Me, my brother and my SIL were a bit upset about this but we calmly talked to them about it again and they seemed fine with the arrangements after that chat. Monday they told DGD#2 they weren't sure they were going to go because they don't want to leave the cat. Now, don't get me wrong, we love animals. I have four cats and my brother has two but at this point we are trying to understand what exactly is going on. They say they want to attend the wedding but don't want to leave the cat alone. I know my nephew will be upset if his grandparents don't attend his wedding. My SIL thinks there is some sort of anxiety issue going on about the situation and they are using the cat as an excuse. My brother went over last night and talked to them about it again, trying to figure what's really going on. They kept repeating they want to attend the wedding but are worried about leaving the cat alone. My brother went so far as to offer to get a pet sitter or ask DD#2 to stay at the house (answer was no, they don't want a stranger in the house and they don't want DD#2 to go out of her way). He also put together a detailed itinerary of all the dates, times and activities and gave it to them, thinking they might be anxious because they don't know exactly what is happening when. They will know nearly everyone at the wedding. They've vacationed in the area many times before and are very familiar with it. They've even stayed at the BnB we are all staying at. We've done everything we can think of to alleviate their anxiety about leaving the cat. The anxiety over the cat is relatively new and we need to get them into a doctor about it but that probably won't happen before the wedding next week. My brother is going to call their PCP today (he has medical POA) to see if anything can be done between now and then. (I'm thinking a couple of valium are in order! J/K) At this moment they are still planning on attending the wedding but I'm afraid I'll show up to pick them up next Thursday and they will have changed their minds again. And, no the cat cannot go with us. I don't have room in my car for a cat in a carrier and the BnB doesn't allow pets. The city we are going to is in a high tourist area and hotels have been booked for months so there is not an option to change hotels at this late date without a lot of expense. I'm hoping that they will just get in the car and enjoy themselves. Your parents are old and would rather stay home. There is nothing wrong with with that. What is wrong is forcing people to do things in the name of "family". Just because they don't want to go doesn't mean they don't love their grandson. And if the grandson is upset because two old people don't want to travel 6 hours away that's just selfish. Honestly, it's you and your brother who are causing the anxiety not the cat. Your whole post is about how everyone else feel. You are not taking into consideration how your parents feel. And you want to drag almost 90yr olds to the doctor because they don't want to travel. Just stop and let them be. |
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garcia5050
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Posts: 2,728
Location: So. Calif.
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Post by garcia5050 on Jul 13, 2023 14:41:44 GMT
It may be that one of them has a body that has "turned on them." DH is age 84. He quit traveling (even a few hours) to visit and absolutely would not fly to see our son. I finally figured it out--he now has the need to use the toilet giving him very little notice and he is afraid he won't get to the restroom or find a restroom in time. This was my dad. He stopped going anywhere when he became incontinent. We didn’t know and gave him a hard time about trips. He also blamed the dog and we all knew he didn’t even like the dog. After he passed, my mom told us the truth. He made her keep his secret while he was alive. |
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Post by lainey on Jul 13, 2023 14:42:25 GMT
This is vent. I know I can safely post this here and get it off my chest. Background - My apologies if this gets long. My nephew (my brother's only son) is getting married next week to a very lovely woman. The whole family is very happy for them and ecstatic about the wedding. Our family is very small and this is the first wedding since DD#1 got married nearly 20 years ago. Nephew is very close to my parents, his grandparents. The wedding is nine hours from me and six hours from my parents. This is not an issue, we've been planning to attend since Nephew and Fiancé announced their engagement more than two years ago. BnB reservations were made nearly a year ago. This is in a high tourist area and hotels are expensive and fill up quickly. Currently the plan is for me and DH to drive to my parents, pick them up and drive them to the city where the wedding will be held. Wedding is on a Friday. Saturday there are family events planned including a brunch, opening of the wedding presents and touring the newlywed's new home. We will drive home on Sunday. Mom and dad have a cat that they spoil even more than the grandkids. The cat is a very good cat, does not have any anxiety issues and is very laid back. They have left the cat at home in the past, with someone coming in to feed him, back when they had a motorhome and would be gone for a week or more, several times a year. However, they haven't traveled for about five years, partly due to covid and partly due to their age (middle 80's). They do have some minor medical issues but nothing that prevents them from attending the wedding and enjoying themselves. The issue: Starting a few weeks ago mom and dad started saying they were worried about leaving the cat. My brother and I kept telling them that the cat will be fine. DD#2 will coming daily to feed the cat after she gets off of work. DD#2 just got a new job and can't take time off for the wedding so this worked out perfect. The last couple of times I've visited they kept talking about leaving the cat and we kept assuring them the cat will be fine for three days. No, he won't be constantly fed snacks or fed milk at 5:00 a.m. but he will be getting fed everyday. The cat is very fat and frankly they overfeed him. He has the run of the house and back patio he go out on and watch birds in the backyard. Last week mom and dad told DD#1 that they were thinking about staying home because they don't want to leave the cat. Their excuse was that the cat isn't used to being home alone. Me, my brother and my SIL were a bit upset about this but we calmly talked to them about it again and they seemed fine with the arrangements after that chat. Monday they told DGD#2 they weren't sure they were going to go because they don't want to leave the cat. Now, don't get me wrong, we love animals. I have four cats and my brother has two but at this point we are trying to understand what exactly is going on. They say they want to attend the wedding but don't want to leave the cat alone. I know my nephew will be upset if his grandparents don't attend his wedding. My SIL thinks there is some sort of anxiety issue going on about the situation and they are using the cat as an excuse. My brother went over last night and talked to them about it again, trying to figure what's really going on. They kept repeating they want to attend the wedding but are worried about leaving the cat alone. My brother went so far as to offer to get a pet sitter or ask DD#2 to stay at the house (answer was no, they don't want a stranger in the house and they don't want DD#2 to go out of her way). He also put together a detailed itinerary of all the dates, times and activities and gave it to them, thinking they might be anxious because they don't know exactly what is happening when. They will know nearly everyone at the wedding. They've vacationed in the area many times before and are very familiar with it. They've even stayed at the BnB we are all staying at. We've done everything we can think of to alleviate their anxiety about leaving the cat. The anxiety over the cat is relatively new and we need to get them into a doctor about it but that probably won't happen before the wedding next week. My brother is going to call their PCP today (he has medical POA) to see if anything can be done between now and then. (I'm thinking a couple of valium are in order! J/K) At this moment they are still planning on attending the wedding but I'm afraid I'll show up to pick them up next Thursday and they will have changed their minds again. And, no the cat cannot go with us. I don't have room in my car for a cat in a carrier and the BnB doesn't allow pets. The city we are going to is in a high tourist area and hotels have been booked for months so there is not an option to change hotels at this late date without a lot of expense. I'm hoping that they will just get in the car and enjoy themselves. Your parents are old and would rather stay home. There is nothing wrong with with that. What is wrong is forcing people to do things in the name of "family". Just because they don't want to go doesn't mean they don't love their grandson. And if the grandson is upset because two old people don't want to travel 6 hours away that's just selfish. Honestly, it's you and your brother who are causing the anxiety not the cat. Your whole post is about how everyone else feel. You are not taking into consideration how your parents feel. And you want to drag almost 90yr olds to the doctor because they don't want to travel. Just stop and let them be. I agree with every word and I'd be seriously pissed off if someone rang my doctor about it. |
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Jul 13, 2023 14:57:08 GMT
I was reading and thinking they really are worried about the cat because I stress horribly when I have to leave my puppy at home. But then the posts about incontinence came up and yeah... I've know of some elderly people who've had this problem. One in particular who had to leave a wedding reception because of it.
I think it's just too much for them to have to worry about for several days; so much so that they won't enjoy the trip at all.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Jul 13, 2023 15:06:18 GMT
I also don't think it's about the cat. I think it's because they're in their 80's, they're tired, they don't want to sit in a car for six hours, and don't want to be "on" for the list of family activities on Saturday. They've become comfortable at home. And, as pointed out above, there may be some other thing going on that they don't want everyone knowing about. (The more people who know, then more people know, and so on and so on)
They're in their 80's let them do what they want and stay home. Have a videographer or someone film the ceremony and you can show it to them after.
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Post by katlady on Jul 13, 2023 15:11:14 GMT
I also don’t think it is about the cat, but I also don’t think you need to take them to the doctor because they don’t want to go. My mom is at an age where she doesn’t want to go to a lot of places, and she definitely doesn’t want to go on long car rides. It makes her tired, sore, and she is worried about finding a restroom. I wouldn’t force my mom to go to the wedding, and I would explain to the nephew. He should understand, hopefully.
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lindas
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Post by lindas on Jul 13, 2023 15:18:55 GMT
Your parents are in their 80’s, stop trying to guilt them into doing something you want that they obviously aren’t comfortable with. I’m 72 and a six hour car ride, probably longer with bathroom breaks and stopping to eat, along with all the things that will be occurring over two days has me feeling overwhelmed.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Jul 13, 2023 15:21:02 GMT
It may be that one of them has a body that has "turned on them." DH is age 84. He quit traveling (even a few hours) to visit and absolutely would not fly to see our son. I finally figured it out--he now has the need to use the toilet giving him very little notice and he is afraid he won't get to the restroom or find a restroom in time. That's what I was going to suggest. That generation doesn't like to admit that their bladders don't work as well as they used to. Well, who does? My Mum (88) and FIL (83) have been struggling with this issue for years and FIL didn't say anything until he had no choice. You could do a bit of research into things to help (pads or temporary bags can be bought, other services might take too long to get arranged in time but could be done for the future) maybe, and bring the subject up with them. It does not have to stop them from travelling comfortably. It also could be they need assistance in the bathroom. I know for my mom the low toilets in homes and hotels are an issue. When she travels she has to have a disabled room and can't use the bathroom in people's houses because they are "short". I hope it all works out. Please update us and have a lovely time at the wedding. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 13, 2023 15:21:43 GMT
It may be that one of them has a body that has "turned on them." DH is age 84. He quit traveling (even a few hours) to visit and absolutely would not fly to see our son. I finally figured it out--he now has the need to use the toilet giving him very little notice and he is afraid he won't get to the restroom or find a restroom in time. You nailed it. This is most likely the issue. If they could be honest about it their worries could be alleviated. Depends work just fine. It could be something else but I would bet on this. The cat is not the problem although they do probably hate to leave it. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 13, 2023 15:24:42 GMT
It may be that one of them has a body that has "turned on them." DH is age 84. He quit traveling (even a few hours) to visit and absolutely would not fly to see our son. I finally figured it out--he now has the need to use the toilet giving him very little notice and he is afraid he won't get to the restroom or find a restroom in time. This was my dad. He stopped going anywhere when he became incontinent. We didn’t know and gave him a hard time about trips. He also blamed the dog and we all knew he didn’t even like the dog. After he passed, my mom told us the truth. He made her keep his secret while he was alive. This is very common. |
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iluvpink
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Post by iluvpink on Jul 13, 2023 15:57:57 GMT
My dad is almost 80 and for the last ten years he gets more and more anxious over things like travel and big events. They had to put their dog down last year and he was the same way about that dog as your parents are about their cat. They just got a new puppy (not sure about them having a puppy but my dad was absolutely miserable without a dog) and I'm sure it will be the same way.
But yeah, it's not just about the cat. They are older and now stressing about any change in their routine. Could be just normal aging stuff or who knows, but yes, a doctor visit might be in order.
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wellway
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jul 13, 2023 16:34:52 GMT
I agree that your parents are not necessarily worried about the cat but about themselves. Please stop trying to make them travel and accept that your parents are old, tired and not up for a long journey etc.
Everyone should put their heads together to include them even if they stay at home,
Zoom link/FaceTime whatever, put a laptop at a table and deliver a fancy meal to them to enjoy at the same time while talking and joining in the meal. If covid and lockdown has taught us anything, is that people can be physically absent but present virtually.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 13, 2023 16:43:19 GMT
I have seen some older folks who really do become very attached and anxious about leaving their pets, so wouldn't rule that out - but absolutely agree that more than likely the 6 hour (and know right now with 2 older people this is NOT going to be a 6 hour trip) each way is the more likely concern. Do you have other travel options in your area? Any ways to shorten the trip for them - hour flight? Or extend and make the travel easier? Stop half way one night - and even stay outside the city so they can accommodate the cat.
It's always hard to read all the nuances on a message board - but it's really about having frank honest conversations about what's really going on to either accept (it's just too much for us we can't make it) or make appropriate accommodations if it's truly what they want to do. Maybe it's not fitting in with the current plan, but modifying for what works for them.
And while I completely understand concern for nephew's disappointment, the reality is when plans are made without really understanding the impacts on other family members, sometimes that's just reality. I hope that if it was discussed early on the grandparents were also honest about their limitations, that's where the real hurt feelings arrive when no one is communicating honestly about what's going on.
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miyooper2b
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Posts: 329
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Jul 13, 2023 17:07:41 GMT
It may be that one of them has a body that has "turned on them." DH is age 84. He quit traveling (even a few hours) to visit and absolutely would not fly to see our son. I finally figured it out--he now has the need to use the toilet giving him very little notice and he is afraid he won't get to the restroom or find a restroom in time. We had not considered this. I will mention it to my brother. |
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miyooper2b
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Posts: 329
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Jul 13, 2023 17:14:50 GMT
This is vent. I know I can safely post this here and get it off my chest. Background - My apologies if this gets long. My nephew (my brother's only son) is getting married next week to a very lovely woman. The whole family is very happy for them and ecstatic about the wedding. Our family is very small and this is the first wedding since DD#1 got married nearly 20 years ago. Nephew is very close to my parents, his grandparents. The wedding is nine hours from me and six hours from my parents. This is not an issue, we've been planning to attend since Nephew and Fiancé announced their engagement more than two years ago. BnB reservations were made nearly a year ago. This is in a high tourist area and hotels are expensive and fill up quickly. Currently the plan is for me and DH to drive to my parents, pick them up and drive them to the city where the wedding will be held. Wedding is on a Friday. Saturday there are family events planned including a brunch, opening of the wedding presents and touring the newlywed's new home. We will drive home on Sunday. Mom and dad have a cat that they spoil even more than the grandkids. The cat is a very good cat, does not have any anxiety issues and is very laid back. They have left the cat at home in the past, with someone coming in to feed him, back when they had a motorhome and would be gone for a week or more, several times a year. However, they haven't traveled for about five years, partly due to covid and partly due to their age (middle 80's). They do have some minor medical issues but nothing that prevents them from attending the wedding and enjoying themselves. The issue: Starting a few weeks ago mom and dad started saying they were worried about leaving the cat. My brother and I kept telling them that the cat will be fine. DD#2 will coming daily to feed the cat after she gets off of work. DD#2 just got a new job and can't take time off for the wedding so this worked out perfect. The last couple of times I've visited they kept talking about leaving the cat and we kept assuring them the cat will be fine for three days. No, he won't be constantly fed snacks or fed milk at 5:00 a.m. but he will be getting fed everyday. The cat is very fat and frankly they overfeed him. He has the run of the house and back patio he go out on and watch birds in the backyard. Last week mom and dad told DD#1 that they were thinking about staying home because they don't want to leave the cat. Their excuse was that the cat isn't used to being home alone. Me, my brother and my SIL were a bit upset about this but we calmly talked to them about it again and they seemed fine with the arrangements after that chat. Monday they told DGD#2 they weren't sure they were going to go because they don't want to leave the cat. Now, don't get me wrong, we love animals. I have four cats and my brother has two but at this point we are trying to understand what exactly is going on. They say they want to attend the wedding but don't want to leave the cat alone. I know my nephew will be upset if his grandparents don't attend his wedding. My SIL thinks there is some sort of anxiety issue going on about the situation and they are using the cat as an excuse. My brother went over last night and talked to them about it again, trying to figure what's really going on. They kept repeating they want to attend the wedding but are worried about leaving the cat alone. My brother went so far as to offer to get a pet sitter or ask DD#2 to stay at the house (answer was no, they don't want a stranger in the house and they don't want DD#2 to go out of her way). He also put together a detailed itinerary of all the dates, times and activities and gave it to them, thinking they might be anxious because they don't know exactly what is happening when. They will know nearly everyone at the wedding. They've vacationed in the area many times before and are very familiar with it. They've even stayed at the BnB we are all staying at. We've done everything we can think of to alleviate their anxiety about leaving the cat. The anxiety over the cat is relatively new and we need to get them into a doctor about it but that probably won't happen before the wedding next week. My brother is going to call their PCP today (he has medical POA) to see if anything can be done between now and then. (I'm thinking a couple of valium are in order! J/K) At this moment they are still planning on attending the wedding but I'm afraid I'll show up to pick them up next Thursday and they will have changed their minds again. And, no the cat cannot go with us. I don't have room in my car for a cat in a carrier and the BnB doesn't allow pets. The city we are going to is in a high tourist area and hotels have been booked for months so there is not an option to change hotels at this late date without a lot of expense. I'm hoping that they will just get in the car and enjoy themselves. Your parents are old and would rather stay home. There is nothing wrong with with that. What is wrong is forcing people to do things in the name of "family". Just because they don't want to go doesn't mean they don't love their grandson. And if the grandson is upset because two old people don't want to travel 6 hours away that's just selfish. Honestly, it's you and your brother who are causing the anxiety not the cat. Your whole post is about how everyone else feel. You are not taking into consideration how your parents feel. And you want to drag almost 90yr olds to the doctor because they don't want to travel. Just stop and let them be. Yes, that is possible but mom bought a new dress and dad a new suit. I took mom shopping and she was very excited that she found something she really liked. They have made comments they are excited to go until a few weeks ago. They've said several time they want to see the area again because they haven't been there in a few years. I really think something else is going on and they just aren't telling us. |
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Post by MichyM on Jul 13, 2023 17:20:01 GMT
Your parents are old and would rather stay home. There is nothing wrong with with that. What is wrong is forcing people to do things in the name of "family". Just because they don't want to go doesn't mean they don't love their grandson. And if the grandson is upset because two old people don't want to travel 6 hours away that's just selfish. Honestly, it's you and your brother who are causing the anxiety not the cat. Your whole post is about how everyone else feel. You are not taking into consideration how your parents feel. And you want to drag almost 90yr olds to the doctor because they don't want to travel. Just stop and let them be. Yes, that is possible but mom bought a new dress and dad a new suit. I took mom shopping and she was very excited that she found something she really liked. They have made comments they are excited to go until a few weeks ago. They've said several time they want to see the area again because they haven't been there in a few years. I really think something else is going on and they just aren't telling us. Whether or not they bought new clothes for the event, as the date has become closer, it is likely that THEIR reality has set in, thus the anxiety about going. Please put the clothing purchases aside and realize that more than likely they simply really don't want to go (for any number of reasons), but are torn because they don't want to let anyone down. |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Jul 13, 2023 17:24:40 GMT
I can relate to this situation.
It's not about the cat.
It's about being out of their comfort zone. The underlying issue(s) can vary.
They are adults. If they don't want to go, don't try to guilt or force them into it.
If they don't attend in person, they can watch the Wedding via facetime or zoom.
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Post by compeateropeator on Jul 13, 2023 17:28:14 GMT
I know this is a vent and I have no advice to give. While all the reply post are valid, they certainly are not true for every situation or family. Only you know your parents (meaning not random people on a message board) and hopefully posts like these will help you examine why they really do not want to go or fears of situations that they are worried about or dreading. Only you know your parents to know if giving then suggestions and information is helpful or just letting them bow out is the best plan. IMO All the pea perspectives here are wonderful and at times helpful. They often give me a (relatively) diverse group of opinions and suggest things that I would have never thought about.
My parents are 80 and I see them physically and mentally change. There are things that they still really would love to do but do not because the effort and worry is just not what they want to deal with or do.
In my case though, I do know that if the real issue was incontinence/bathroom issues that would be the reason they would be giving to my brother and myself. Those are not topics that are avoided, they are part of normal conversation for us (as I admitted in Sharlag’s do you talk about poop thread 😉). But they are still at the point where if they can come up with a solution or a plan want to do things.
Good luck with the situation and I hope you and your family have a wonderful time at the wedding, whether your parents attend or not.
ETA - it took me so long to finish this that I missed where you saw library lady’s post. Glad it was helpful.
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Post by peatlejuice on Jul 13, 2023 17:32:16 GMT
Your parents are old and would rather stay home. There is nothing wrong with with that. What is wrong is forcing people to do things in the name of "family". Just because they don't want to go doesn't mean they don't love their grandson. And if the grandson is upset because two old people don't want to travel 6 hours away that's just selfish. Honestly, it's you and your brother who are causing the anxiety not the cat. Your whole post is about how everyone else feel. You are not taking into consideration how your parents feel. And you want to drag almost 90yr olds to the doctor because they don't want to travel. Just stop and let them be. Yes, that is possible but mom bought a new dress and dad a new suit. I took mom shopping and she was very excited that she found something she really liked. They have made comments they are excited to go until a few weeks ago. They've said several time they want to see the area again because they haven't been there in a few years. I really think something else is going on and they just aren't telling us. My late grandfather would often express excitement or interest at going to something with me (local, even), and then back out when the time got closer. He too had incontinence issues due to bladder cancer, but beyond that, he straight up told me, "The older I get, the more anything outside my routine scares me." Also, I was that grandchild who was extremely close to my grandparents but (at the time) lived and was married in a state quite a distance away from them. They opted not to travel the distance, and yes, I missed them, but it certainly wasn't the end of the world and I understood their anxieties. If your parents are tech savvy enough (or your DD2 is), maybe a livestream can be set up for the three of them to attend remotely? |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,408
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jul 13, 2023 17:33:07 GMT
It's not about the cat.
They obviously are not thrilled about going. I'd just let it be. As many other peas have said, it's probably because their bodies aren't functioning how they want them to anymore.
Can you do a FaceTime during the meeting (WTH autocorrect!) wedding (and a few other "family" events) so they can be "there"?
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
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Post by peaname on Jul 13, 2023 17:33:22 GMT
Thank you everyone who has opened MY eyes about why travel for an older person involves more than meets the eye.
OP I feel for you, it’s hard when expectations of our parents fall short.
I hope you can be the compassionate one and give them an out without making them feel guilty. I plan to be the one to do that for my in-laws when my second child graduates from high school next year. They attended my 5 years older son’s party but that are older now and no longer travel and my DH has visions of picking them up (six hours away!) I need to be the one who points out there may be many reasons they may not be comfortable sharing.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 13, 2023 17:35:40 GMT
My SIL thinks there is some sort of anxiety issue going on about the situation and they are using the cat as an excuse. I think your SIL may be onto something and your parents may not even realize it themselves. My sister is not exactly an agoraphobic, but she very rarely leaves the house and she uses the cat a lot as the reason why. She said "He isn't use to being left alone", "That's a long time to leave him", "I'm worried he will be scared when he can't find me". Even when someone will be watching and checking in on him. Is is possible for DD#2 to stay at your parent's house while y'all are gone? If so, then they will know someone is there with the cat ? Maybe it will ease their minds. They shouldn't miss their grandson's wedding when they don't have to. Maybe they just worry about the 6 hour drive. Not sure how old your parents are, but my mom is 82 and a drive like that takes a lot out of her. |
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lizacreates
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,856
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Post by lizacreates on Jul 13, 2023 17:40:33 GMT
IIRC, your mom is physically fragile, right? That might be a reason they’re not keen on traveling. IMO, everyone should just respect their decision and leave them be.
As an older person, I can speak from experience that sitting in a car for an hours-long drive is now getting harder on my body whereas before I never gave it a second thought. Just a couple months ago, I was on an easy chair reading a book for half a day and when I got up like I normally would, I ended up with a debilitating muscle spasm that sent me to the ER. Things like this happen simply because of biology--an older body is more prone to injury. When you're that older person, there are considerations that would never occur to a younger person.
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