artbabe
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Post by artbabe on Jul 25, 2023 14:20:42 GMT
I took my dad in for an outpatient procedure last week. When the doctor called me in to give me care instructions he told me that me dad was "sweet".
I was so thrown off by that and really irritated. My dad is a lot of things but sweet isn't one of them. Not because he doesn't have a lot of positive qualities, but because that is a really weird adjective to use to describe an adult man. I think the doctor was about 40. I doubt he would describe another 40 year old man as "sweet".
My dad is 84 years old and lives alone. Except for the fact he can't drive he is completely independent. He is not a child or childlike at all. Stop treating the elderly like they are children.
I hate when people call him "honey" or "dear". So patronizing. I know most people don't even realize they are doing it but it is so cringe.
I had the same issue when men would call me those fake, patronizing terms. It doesn't happen much anymore but when I was younger I got "honey, sweetie, darling, etc." all of the time. My go to response was to answer back calling them "cupcake." If you wouldn't call a man those things, don't call a woman those.
I don't know why that is such a hot button for me but I still think about what the doctor said and wish that I would have said something.
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Post by compeateropeator on Jul 25, 2023 14:56:06 GMT
I am sorry this has you upset and hope you can let the Dr know so that he can avoid it when speaking with you in the future.
However I am kind of on the opposite side and I would rather my father be thought of as being sweet than an asshole, jackass, or some such other comment. 😉 I probably refer to adults, even younger to middle aged ones, more as being sweet than I would a child and I certainly do not consider it infantilizing. But we all view words and languages differently and that is okay. My grandmother is almost 101 and I definitely think she is sweet. 😄
However, now that I know that this bothers some people I will certainly make an effort to not vocalize those thoughts to others, especially to acquaintances or people I am not close to.
ETA - I also regard referring to someone as sweet different than calling them Sweetie, Hun, or some such name. 🤷🏻♀️
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jul 25, 2023 14:56:58 GMT
Maybe that doctor had dealt with some angry, cantankerous people earlier and you dad was a pleasure to deal with. Maybe the doctor received the sweetness if your dad was under sedation.
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oh yvonne
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jul 25, 2023 14:57:04 GMT
oh gosh, this is such a good point. My dad is the same age and the other day he bitterly complained to my brother that everyone is treating him like a kid.
His memory is getting really bad and he's turning into an awful handful for us ever since they took his DL away, he hates that he has lost his independence.
This is good for me to remember that as we get frustrated w/him to give him the dignity and respect he still deserves.
Perhaps a personal private written note sent to the doctor, in a helpful fyi tone would help? I'm sure the doctor had never even thought of it, and he should be reminded.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 25, 2023 15:06:09 GMT
I’ll validate you. It might be well-meaning, but it is damned annoying. I beg of all of you, just stop with calling Seniors honey, sweetie, dear or any other label; unless, of course, you also use those labels for 30-year-olds.
I bristle when called “dear” or “hun.” Ugh.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,042
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Post by artbabe on Jul 25, 2023 15:23:23 GMT
I am sorry this has you upset and hope you can let the Dr know so that he can avoid it when speaking with you in the future. I'm not upset. I'm annoyed that the doctor doesn't know better. No, he doesn't need to avoid it when speaking to me in the future. He needs to avoid it when speaking to anybody in the future. But I'm not going to say anything to him because I'll never see him again and it is too much work. I didn't write this to vent. I wrote it as a public service announcement. Stop saying it, people. I know it usually comes from a good place and people don't think about it most of the time but it is just not right. to give him the dignity and respect he still deserves. This is exactly what I mean. "Sweet" takes away his dignity. So many other things have been taken away with age, he should at least be able to maintain dignity. If anyone would call me sweet (I'm 57) I'd think they were being demeaning or just nuts. But we all view words and languages differently and that is okay. But a lot of the time it isn't okay. My dad still says "Indian" but he knows that is not okay anymore and I see him mentally correcting to "Native American" when he talks to me most of the time. Yay! Progress. He also referred to the female bartenders as "love" and I got him to understand that if you wouldn't say it to a male bartender, you shouldn't say it to a female bartender. Progress. The words we use to describe people matter. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 25, 2023 15:28:04 GMT
I am trying to imagine anyone calling my dad sweet. He could be, but he was a man born in the 1920's. I think I'd give the dr. a pass. He was using a kind word in a possible stressful situation. Now if he was talking down to my dad, I would feel differently. I feel like the words pleasant and sweet can be interchangeable in many situations, so I'd go with he was saying my dad was a man that was easy to interact with.
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Gravity
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Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Jul 25, 2023 15:32:25 GMT
I’m 60 and being called pet names irritates the crap out of me. Either call me by my name, ma’am, or just address me. On Saturday, DH and I were shopping for plumbing fixtures. The female clerk appeared to be around 30 and kept calling me “doll.” Later we went out to dinner and a mid twenties female waiter kept calling me “queen.” Just stop with the cutsie names.
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Post by compeateropeator on Jul 25, 2023 15:41:09 GMT
Again, as I said, I would not call him (or anyone for that matter) Sweetie, Honey, or any such other name other than their real name or nothing. I will now make sure not to refer to anyone as being a sweet person…I guess if nice is acceptable I will use that. I in no way want to take away anyone’s dignity…
ETA I will make sure to use one of the similar words from this list - the definition for sweet as an adjective:
2.
pleasing in general; delightful.
"it was the sweet life he had always craved"
Similar:
pleasant
pleasing
agreeable
delightful
nice
satisfying
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Post by Mel on Jul 25, 2023 15:48:18 GMT
so I'd go with he was saying my dad was a man that was easy to interact with. That's where I'd go with this particular one. However, I do agree that being called the other things Sweetie, Honey, Hon, etc. is demeaning and usually uncomfortable. I have a name, if you don't want to use it or you aren't familiar enough with me to know it, you can call me ma'am, or even Ms/Miss and get the job done. I will say though, my PCP calls everybody "Bud" or "Buddy". LOL I thought at first it was because he was just bad with names, although a great doctor, but he's not, he throws out the correct names too. LOL |
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 25, 2023 15:54:36 GMT
Let me ask this -- is it infantilizing (maybe) or is it feminizing (also maybe). I think it's true that you don't hear men referred to as "sweet" particularly often, but I do feel like people refer to women of all ages as "sweet," and I wonder to what extent "sweet" is just generally to elide the complex adult personalities people have. I think "sweet" is something that in fact women often are told to aim themselves towards, and are supposed to take as a compliment, but one that is often meant to connote that the person makes themselves compliant and pleasant and thinks of other people constantly. I think you get to that later in your post, and I'm thinking about it.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Jul 25, 2023 16:00:54 GMT
His memory is getting really bad and he's turning into an awful handful for us ever since they took his DL away, he hates that he has lost his independence. It can be a difficult road to walk. My grandmother would introduce my mom as this is my daughter, she took away my car keys, for a solid year after they did it she was so pissed. But, it was unsafe and needed to happen. My own mom was deeply unhappy when her health declined and could be very nasty to the nursing staff, especially if she wasn't "herself". Complicating matters, she went by her middle name and would become very angry if you used her legal first name. Many a nurse read the chart and addressed her by her first name. This did not improve matters. My dad on the other hand was a natural flirt, and I always knew when he had charmed the nurses when I'd call to check on his status. All this to say maybe sweet, was this doctors way of saying he's a lovely guy and how nice to deal with someone pleasant rather than someone who is deeply unhappy to be at the doctors office. |
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crm1367
Junior Member
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Post by crm1367 on Jul 25, 2023 16:08:15 GMT
When I think of 'sweet' it automatically takes me to what you would say about a pet for some reason. I agree that it's a weird adjective to describe an adult man.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 25, 2023 16:17:00 GMT
My 94 year old mil needed a lot of help, but she could be sharp as a tack. She was very on top of her financials and when she was in control you didn't argue w/her, because she was always right. On the other hand, she was getting forgetful and she was having a hard time walking. She could be very sweet. She could also be very difficult if she didn't want to do what you needed her to do, like go to the doctor. At a certain point the roles do change and we become the parent, because we are looking after them. I'm not angry at the doctor calling him sweet, as long as he treated your dad like an adult. There's a fine line. Sometimes our elderly parents need guidance and extra care, but that doesn't mean that we should treat them like 3 year olds.
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snyder
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Post by snyder on Jul 25, 2023 16:26:22 GMT
I guess I will need to ask my 24 year old grandson if I offend him. When he does something for me, I say thanks sweetie. Because he is a sweetie. So kind and thoughtful and tenderhearted. I help raise him, so that may of some bearing on why I say that to him as well.
In this day and age where it seems so many in the world are so bitter, any postive, kind words do not offend me at all, but are welcomed.
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on Jul 25, 2023 16:36:45 GMT
In this day and age where it seems so many in the world are so bitter, any postive, kind words do not offend me at all, but are welcomed. That is how I feel too. So long as term of endearment is not said in a snarky, cynical manner, I'm good. I honestly don't see "sweet", etc. as applying only to pets, etc. |
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Post by peace on Jul 25, 2023 16:40:31 GMT
I completely agree with you! I do not like to see that at all- I actually get a little of it myself sometimes from nurses and THAT drives me bonkers. Don't call me honey or babe. Just don't.
Side story-- I remember YEARS and YEARS ago when in the doctor offices they USED to call out for a patient by Mr. or Mrs. <insert last name> and then it changed. They started using first names and my mom was SO bent about that. She felt it was so disrespectful. She passed away February of 2020 at 79 after a week in the hospital and while there she made the nurses put her formal name on her white board. LOL, She wasn't having it.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 25, 2023 16:50:48 GMT
Ugh, I hear you. I refuse to go to a local pizza place because the owner calls all older ladies "young lady." He thinks it's cute.
It's not.
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Post by gracieplusthree on Jul 25, 2023 17:06:50 GMT
This is a normal means of talk around where I live in the south. I work with the public and is routinely normal to be called darling, sweetie, love, doll etc. I find myself doing it too. People around here don't even flinch.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Jul 25, 2023 17:07:29 GMT
artbabe I hear you and I agree with every word you said.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jul 25, 2023 17:15:22 GMT
I completely agree with you! I do not like to see that at all- I actually get a little of it myself sometimes from nurses and THAT drives me bonkers. Don't call me honey or babe. Just don't. Side story-- I remember YEARS and YEARS ago when in the doctor offices they USED to call out for a patient by Mr. or Mrs. <insert last name> and then it changed. They started using first names and my mom was SO bent about that. She felt it was so disrespectful. She passed away February of 2020 at 79 after a week in the hospital and while there she made the nurses put her formal name on her white board. LOL, She wasn't having it. Dropping the last name was to protect privacy. They went to first names. But never both names together, again privacy. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 25, 2023 17:16:45 GMT
Ok. Maybe I'm having a bad day, or maybe just working out of my mind today. But WHO cares? Is the Dr giving your Dad good care? does he treat him with respect and kindness? You're lucky a Dr actually got on the phone and actually talked to you in person. NOT many Dr's do that these days, They have a NP/PA or nurse do it. Healthcare is overwhelmed right now. OVER.WHELEMD. and that's post COVID. The Dr calling your Dad sweet is probably his way of saying he was easy to work with, and nice. Do you know how many UNplesaant, unkind, UN sweet patients we see?
Again, I'm sorry. It just wouldn't even register to me, as long as my dad is getting good care.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jul 25, 2023 17:18:17 GMT
Where I live in the UK's beautiful West Country, we call everyone "my love" or "my darlin'", regardless of age. They're terms of endearment, not belittling or condescending. In fact, the only time we wouldn't use those terms would be if someone was taking out their frustration on us. Could this be a regional thing, calling someone "sweet"?
Maybe your father had thanked this doctor. Maybe he was the first patient to be nice to the doctor that day. If I have had a run of sh1tty treatment from patients, then one gentleman is kind to me, I would probably call him "sweet" just in reaction. Just a thought.
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Sarah*H
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 25, 2023 17:28:33 GMT
Although I will validate you on your own feelings and your dad's if he feels the same way, this sentence goes a step too far for me. What that doctor said wouldn't bother me. It wouldn't bother anyone in my family either. And in fact, if he had said it about some members of my extended family, we might have laughed out loud. But definitely wouldn't have been irritated or angry. So what I'm trying to say is that we're all different, we all bring different experiences and pet peeves to the table. If it bothered YOU, that's fine - let him know or don't let him know. But please don't ascribe your own irritation to the rest of his patients and their families. He sounds like he was trying to be personable and to show that he cared about your dad. I wish more medical providers felt comfortable doing that in this age of being rushed, being burned out and being uncompensated for anything except moving patients through as quickly as possible.
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smcast
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Post by smcast on Jul 25, 2023 17:31:17 GMT
I feel it would be different if he called your dad "sweetie". Can't please everyone. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
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oh yvonne
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jul 25, 2023 17:51:59 GMT
I’m 60 and being called pet names irritates the crap out of me. Either call me by my name, ma’am, or just address me. On Saturday, DH and I were shopping for plumbing fixtures. The female clerk appeared to be around 30 and kept calling me “doll.” Later we went out to dinner and a mid twenties female waiter kept calling me “queen.” Just stop with the cutsie names. hooo boy this reminds me a sales clerk at Rite Aid screamed at me because I called her "ma'am" once. She said "Ma'am?" "ma'am?!" in the most pissed off offended way you could. I remember I just stood there and said 'what did you want me to say, 'hey you? Sheesh, it's a respectful term, sorry it upset you". Honestly you can't win. |
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Just T
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Post by Just T on Jul 25, 2023 18:02:47 GMT
While I would never call anyone sweetie or honey or sugar (GAG, looking at you cashier who used to work at Kohls!) I never thought of saying someone is sweet is infantilizing them. So now, I will worry about that! LOL
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Post by hop2 on Jul 25, 2023 18:18:48 GMT
Sometimes people expect old people to be cranky & cantankerous, then when they aren’t they don’t know what to do with that.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 25, 2023 18:27:55 GMT
I guess I will need to ask my 24 year old grandson if I offend him. When he does something for me, I say thanks sweetie. Because he is a sweetie. So kind and thoughtful and tenderhearted. I help raise him, so that may of some bearing on why I say that to him as well. In this day and age where it seems so many in the world are so bitter, any postive, kind words do not offend me at all, but are welcomed. This is a different type of relationship, it is a personal relationship compared to a professional one. We have people at work that will call other honey, sweetie, darling etc. We are all women. I have told a few people to not use pet names, especially in emails. There is really no reason for it. Now with my friends, I am ok with using those kind of endearments at times. The Dr. could have easily said, "It was a pleasure getting to know your dad today" or something like that. Same kind of sentiment, but in a more professional way. |
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Post by ~summer~ on Jul 25, 2023 18:32:35 GMT
I also never thought of “sweet” as infantilizing.
I use it often - to describe my kids (in their mid 20s), elderly people…even dogs.
When we were out to dinner there was just the sweetest dog next to us and I keep commenting on him!
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