peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,616
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 8, 2023 20:19:40 GMT
I would not feel obligated to attend a destination Wedding, no matter who the Wedding couple are. Attending a destination Wedding can be costly (travel, accommodations, the loss of income while traveling and attending, a gift), as well as using up limited vacation days. If I travel somewhere, it would be where *I* want to go, and my plans and accommodations would be within the parameters of my budget and finances. I think that every Wedding couple, should not have attendance expectations. They should be gracious and understanding, when someone declines attending. In this situation mentioned, I would not attend. I wish that was the case for me - but it would hurt people I love very much if I didn't attend.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 8, 2023 20:27:33 GMT
I'm hoping to be a plus-one for an upcoming destination wedding. Without giving away too much info... I would be attending with a family member whose spouse cannot go. And the destination is fabulous - like, bucket list fabulous. And - best part of all - the bride and groom are footing everyone's expenses. So, heck yeah, I'll go to that destination wedding.
Otherwise, I'm in agreement with the idea that it's just generally asking too much of people.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 8, 2023 20:31:15 GMT
I don't think there is an obligation to go, no matter who it is. Lots of people like to do destination weddings from around here, somewhere all inclusive in the winter. From the wedding couple or the people invited I've never heard anyone feel obligated. You get an invite and if you can afford the time and money go, if not you don't no hard feelings. The wedding couple knows not everyone will come but still wants to extend the invitation to many people not just close family. I don't know -- it's a little odd if you're inviting people but don't actually care if they show up or not? I mean, presumably you invite people to a wedding because it's important to you to have them there? I also have seen *so* many hard feelings over failure to attend weddings -- no kids weddings, destination weddings, etc. -- that I'm not sure I credit this (I literally have heard a person say the sentence "Well they went on vacation to X place few months later so clearly they could have attended if they wanted to."
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Post by peasapie on Aug 8, 2023 21:13:45 GMT
I wouldn't be happy about it either.
The only destination I'd go to is one where accommodations are paid for and I just have to fly there. Otherwise I consider it a huge imposition.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 9, 2023 0:04:54 GMT
I agree that they seem like a PITA for most people. I also think that couples (especially brides) have really gone overboard on what they expect people to pay to be their friends when it is time for them to get engaged/married. Expensive destination bachelorette weekends and several showers are excessive, imo.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 9, 2023 0:12:26 GMT
I don't think there is an obligation to go, no matter who it is. Lots of people like to do destination weddings from around here, somewhere all inclusive in the winter. From the wedding couple or the people invited I've never heard anyone feel obligated. You get an invite and if you can afford the time and money go, if not you don't no hard feelings. The wedding couple knows not everyone will come but still wants to extend the invitation to many people not just close family. I don't know -- it's a little odd if you're inviting people but don't actually care if they show up or not? I mean, presumably you invite people to a wedding because it's important to you to have them there? I also have seen *so* many hard feelings over failure to attend weddings -- no kids weddings, destination weddings, etc. -- that I'm not sure I credit this (I literally have heard a person say the sentence "Well they went on vacation to X place few months later so clearly they could have attended if they wanted to." Couples who plan destination weddings understand that many people cannot go for a variety of reasons- PTO availability, cost, lack of desire to travel to that place. If they dont, that is on them. Our niece understood when we couldnt make it to her rescheduled date. Lots of people who were originally going to attend in 2020 did not attend in 2021. Her sister would understand of we couldnt make it as well. We are in a position where we have enough PTO, we can afford to go, we hadnt yet planned a vacation for next year, and we are willing to go to Mexico for her. So we are going. If all of that hadnt fallen into place, we wouldnt be and she would understand.
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Post by dewryce on Aug 9, 2023 0:32:51 GMT
I have zero issue with people deciding on a destination wedding, I want them to get married in their dream location. If we were to have one we’d only invite our family and closest friends and make it extremely clear that there would be zero issues if they chose not to attend. Chose, not couldn’t because I agree that it’s like choosing a vacation location for everyone. And as someone who has to save for any big vacation I wouldn’t insist on making that decision for others.
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Post by zztop11 on Aug 9, 2023 4:05:11 GMT
Sorry to sound harsh but you don’t have to go. You are choosing to go. As I’ve heard the peas say many times, no is a complete sentence.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Aug 9, 2023 17:26:53 GMT
I feel your pain. My 2 closest friends both got married on cruise ships, when we were all young and strapped for cash. With the first one, I absolutely couldn't afford to cruise even though I was asked to be a bridesmaid. So I had to pay for my dress, drive 10 hours to get on the cruise ship and be in the wedding, and then get off the ship, stay overnight in a hotel, and drive 10 hours back home the next day.
The second time, I had a nursing baby who was only 7 weeks old (and had been premature, so was in the NICU for 2 weeks). I was a bridesmaid AND my husband was the best man. Crusing with a little baby sounded like a nightmare, so again...10 hour drive, expensive dress and tux rental, and we got on the ship for the wedding and got right back off, stayed in a hotel, and drove home the next day. (My parents kept the baby, but I had to pump often, for my own comfort!)
I never would've done it, esp. the 2nd one when I nursing, if they weren't my 2 best friends. So I have no regrets about agreeing to be in the weddings. But ugh, there is a sadness about getting ON a cruise ship, and getting back off about an hour later. I still haven't been on a cruise myself, and all that was about 20 years ago! lol
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 9, 2023 17:53:04 GMT
I wouldn't go if I couldn't afford it or if I just didn't want to go. My sister, who I am very close to, had a destination wedding. I was invited but couldn't make it. (I wanted to though) But no big deal for either one of us. Why go through all that pain? Why do you 'have' to go?
Not harping at 'you'.. lol..
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TXMary
Pearl Clutcher
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
Posts: 2,811
Jun 26, 2014 17:25:06 GMT
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Post by TXMary on Aug 9, 2023 17:55:17 GMT
My nephew recently got married in Italy and only had his immediate family attend. They decided that they didn't want others to miss out and I just came back from the wedding reception they held. It was funny, knowing they'd already been married for three months, but it was a great party--and I didn't have to go to Italy. Our good friend's daughter and SIL got married in Italy. Luckily, that was just for very close friends of the bride and groom and immediate family but they also had a reception in Arkansas where they live several months later. We did go to that and had a great time. I love Italy but I'm glad we didn't have to go for the wedding. I'm not a fan of destination weddings for the reasons you listed. If it was something I didn't want to do, I would politely decline and send a nice gift instead but I understand sometimes you just can't do that. My nephew's husband is very popular and has tons of friends. The first couple years that they were married (in a JP's office in Austin) they had to attend several destination weddings of people that my nephew didn't even know. I know he did resent having to spend his vacation time and money doing that. It seems to have slowed down as they have gotten older. All of my family has gotten married locally. There's very few people I would go to a destination wedding for and luckily we haven't had to for any of them.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 9, 2023 17:59:07 GMT
I would not feel obligated to attend a destination Wedding, no matter who the Wedding couple are. Attending a destination Wedding can be costly (travel, accommodations, the loss of income while traveling and attending, a gift), as well as using up limited vacation days. If I travel somewhere, it would be where *I* want to go, and my plans and accommodations would be within the parameters of my budget and finances. I think that every Wedding couple, should not have attendance expectations. They should be gracious and understanding, when someone declines attending. In this situation mentioned, I would not attend. I wish that was the case for me - but it would hurt people I love very much if I didn't attend. On the other hand, they are really hurting you guys making it a 'must' thing to do? That wouldn't happen in our family.. we would never except anyone to fork out that kind of money.. my mom didn't even make my sister's wedding (see my other post)
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Post by papersilly on Aug 9, 2023 18:13:48 GMT
i just found out i will be attending a destination wedding next year in europe. we were already planning another trip later in the year. a trip we had been looking forward to for years and then this news arrives. as much as we love the bride and groom, these are my concerns: -wedding will take place in summer when the area is historically very hot -it may happen when DH is super busy at work and can't take the time off. so, do i go alone?
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,616
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 9, 2023 18:17:46 GMT
I wish that was the case for me - but it would hurt people I love very much if I didn't attend. On the other hand, they are really hurting you guys making it a 'must' thing to do? That wouldn't happen in our family.. we would never except anyone to fork out that kind of money.. my mom didn't even make my sister's wedding (see my other post) I hear you and they haven't said "you must attend" but I know feelings would be hurt, possibly irreparably, if we opted out.
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Post by Zee on Aug 9, 2023 19:40:29 GMT
I don't think anyone is ever actually obligated to attend a destination wedding.
I've only been to one, my cousin's wedding in Mexico City. It was such a wonderful experience! They had really cool outings planned, which also cost money but were optional, and then the family gathered by the pool or at dinner every night to connect. Some were only there 4 days, I stayed 8.
It's something I never would have done otherwise so I'm really glad she put it together. She and her now-husband travel a lot because they are architects and love seeing all that.
When I flew back the customs agent asked what I was doing in Mexico City and I said I was there for my cousin's wedding and he looked at me and said "Your cousin?" all suspicious because I'm a middle aged white lady I guess. Yes, her fiance's family is from Mexico, he grew up in Texas. I didn't like his attitude.
Maybe he thought I was a drug mule, IDK. Thankfully I didn't get a cavity search.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 9, 2023 19:43:34 GMT
i just found out i will be attending a destination wedding next year in europe. we were already planning another trip later in the year. a trip we had been looking forward to for years and then this news arrives. as much as we love the bride and groom, these are my concerns: -wedding will take place in summer when the area is historically very hot -it may happen when DH is super busy at work and can't take the time off. so, do i go alone? You can decline and continue with your original vacation!
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Post by papersilly on Aug 9, 2023 19:46:17 GMT
i just found out i will be attending a destination wedding next year in europe. we were already planning another trip later in the year. a trip we had been looking forward to for years and then this news arrives. as much as we love the bride and groom, these are my concerns: -wedding will take place in summer when the area is historically very hot -it may happen when DH is super busy at work and can't take the time off. so, do i go alone? You can decline and continue with your original vacation! in this situation, declining is not an option. other (dream) trip will have to be put off for another time.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Aug 9, 2023 20:48:11 GMT
On the other hand, they are really hurting you guys making it a 'must' thing to do? That wouldn't happen in our family.. we would never except anyone to fork out that kind of money.. my mom didn't even make my sister's wedding (see my other post) I hear you and they haven't said "you must attend" but I know feelings would be hurt, possibly irreparably, if we opted out. Sorry, this may sound harsh, but how close of friends/family are they if they cannot understand this will not work for you. I cannot imagine being so hurt that someone did not attend an event that would cost them so much in so many ways. This sounds like a very one side relationship if you cannot be completely honest with them with doing irreparable harm over something like this.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,616
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 9, 2023 22:58:27 GMT
I hear you and they haven't said "you must attend" but I know feelings would be hurt, possibly irreparably, if we opted out. Sorry, this may sound harsh, but how close of friends/family are they if they cannot understand this will not work for you. I cannot imagine being so hurt that someone did not attend an event that would cost them so much in so many ways. This sounds like a very one side relationship if you cannot be completely honest with them with doing irreparable harm over something like this. I don't know what to tell you - this is close family and they'd be really, really hurt. Like I said, I was just venting - there's no doubt we're going to go. I love the groom like he was my own child and I want to be there for him and his fiancee. But I want to complain about it too haha.
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Post by elaine on Aug 10, 2023 2:43:23 GMT
That is why we ended up coming back to the states for our wedding. We were living in Puerto Rico and I really wanted the ceremony there, but expecting everyone to fly in for that seemed too much, so we got married in Indiana. LOL. Maybe someday we can do vow renewals in P.R. at the top of El Yunque like I dreamed about. <3 So, who deleted their account and why? Inquiring minds want to know.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,398
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on Aug 10, 2023 2:45:09 GMT
Not a fan. We have to go to one in Cancun next year and I'm not thrilled about it. 1. We don't like having it be dictated when and where we go on vacation 2. It's at an all inclusive resort (yay, nice, right?) but we're paying 500+ a night and if we choose a different resort than the one at which they are having their wedding? Their per person price for the wedding increases dramatically - so we have to stay there (and essentially help pay for their wedding) 3. Both dh and I have to take time off from work to go - it does not fall in the school vacation week (and I work in the school system) 4. We can't afford to pay for all of our kids and their partners to go so only the kids who can pay for themselves can go and I hate leaving some of our kids out. I'm really not a fan. And we have to go - it's close family. Not looking for solutions, just venting. We had the same problem several years ago, with the exact same talking points almost. Except DH was the only one working at that point, and instead of having adult kids, we had young kids - but they were in school and as you mentioned, it wasn't school vacation. So kids had to miss school, too (and they're very strict about that here). Also very, very close family, so we had to do it. (Relative on DH's side, so I was extra grumpy, even if I do like and love the relative in question!) When they divorced less than 5 years later, I kind of wanted to ask them for a refund.
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,350
Location: Dallas Texas
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Aug 10, 2023 3:24:48 GMT
Unless it’s one of my own children, I don’t see myself attending a destination wedding. It’s just too much. I will send my gift and love and then go on vacation where I want. We don’t have enough money for multiple vacations a year and I really don’t want someone’s wedding to be the focus of my only family vacation of the year anyway.
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Post by dewryce on Aug 10, 2023 3:39:57 GMT
i just found out i will be attending a destination wedding next year in europe. we were already planning another trip later in the year. a trip we had been looking forward to for years and then this news arrives. as much as we love the bride and groom, these are my concerns: -wedding will take place in summer when the area is historically very hot -it may happen when DH is super busy at work and can't take the time off. so, do i go alone? You have been looking forward to this trip for years. If you can’t do both, consider choosing your dreams instead of the other couple’s. Who knows what will happen in the future regarding your money, health, and jobs. If you could only choose one, which would you regret missing more? eta: I just finished reading the thread and saw that you feel you have to go, which I understand can happen Maybe if just you go to this wedding you will be able to go on your planned vacation sooner. I hope you get to go soon and it’s everything you wanted!
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Post by Lurkingpea on Aug 10, 2023 3:59:28 GMT
That is why we ended up coming back to the states for our wedding. We were living in Puerto Rico and I really wanted the ceremony there, but expecting everyone to fly in for that seemed too much, so we got married in Indiana. LOL. Maybe someday we can do vow renewals in P.R. at the top of El Yunque like I dreamed about. <3 So, who deleted their account and why? Inquiring minds want to know. That is weird. Someone must know.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Aug 10, 2023 4:00:55 GMT
I don't like them either. I can't think of anyone besides my own children I would go to one for. Unless I was super wealthy and money was no object. Time off work is hard to come by. Travel is expensive.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 10, 2023 4:08:38 GMT
You have been looking forward to this trip for years. If you can’t do both, consider choosing your dreams instead of the other couple’s. Who knows what will happen in the future regarding your money, health, and jobs. If you could only choose one, which would you regret missing more? eta: I just finished reading the thread and saw that you feel you have to go, which I understand can happen Maybe if just you go to this wedding you will be able to go on your planned vacation sooner. I hope you get to go soon and it’s everything you wanted! Even though the destination wedding is mandatory, there are upsides: -the destination is beautiful -the wedding party is great -the food will be amazing -the memories will last a lifetime As for my dream trip, it will happen. Maybe right before we retire in a few short years so not that long of a wait. It will be a totally different vibe than the wedding but wonderful nonetheless. We just can't do it back to back because both trips will require $$$$. Go big or go home, right? Lol
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 10, 2023 4:16:20 GMT
I think they are great for the couple. Very little planning and the destination is the decoration. Just fly in, do a few things, say your vows and you are pretty much done. Compared to the craziness that can be a traditional wedding, I get why people do them. I also 100% get why people don't want to go. Most people I know that had destination weddings didn't care if people came other than their parents and maybe a sibling or two. They just wanted to be married on a beach in a specific area. As long as the couple gets that very few people will come, and they don't have hard feelings, it's all good.
As far as the OP's situation, I'd probably try to find an excuse. I wouldn't pull my kids out of school and spend the $ on a faux vacation. If I HAD to go, I would be there for the wedding and the rest of the time be doing my own thing. A forced family vacation isn't my thing.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,042
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:10 GMT
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Post by artbabe on Aug 10, 2023 12:34:10 GMT
I think if you have a destination wedding you should expect it to just be the couple getting married, or maybe a couple friends. Anything larger than that is a ridiculous thing to ask of people. It is kind of rude to your guests because it is putting them in the situation that several people here described. You are giving up your vacation to go on someone else's.
I don't think I'd ever go to a destination wedding unless it was one of my nephews, and that would be way in the future because they are still young.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,920
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Aug 10, 2023 12:40:46 GMT
I don't think there is an obligation to go, no matter who it is. Lots of people like to do destination weddings from around here, somewhere all inclusive in the winter. From the wedding couple or the people invited I've never heard anyone feel obligated. You get an invite and if you can afford the time and money go, if not you don't no hard feelings. The wedding couple knows not everyone will come but still wants to extend the invitation to many people not just close family. I don't know -- it's a little odd if you're inviting people but don't actually care if they show up or not? I mean, presumably you invite people to a wedding because it's important to you to have them there? I also have seen *so* many hard feelings over failure to attend weddings -- no kids weddings, destination weddings, etc. -- that I'm not sure I credit this (I literally have heard a person say the sentence "Well they went on vacation to X place few months later so clearly they could have attended if they wanted to." But if they really cared they would not make it so difficult for people to go. Or they didn’t care enough to think of reasons why a destination wedding can be a hardship for people. Or why people might want to go on vacation to the destination of their choice as opposed to someone else’s choice.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Aug 10, 2023 12:55:31 GMT
Sorry, this may sound harsh, but how close of friends/family are they if they cannot understand this will not work for you. I cannot imagine being so hurt that someone did not attend an event that would cost them so much in so many ways. This sounds like a very one side relationship if you cannot be completely honest with them with doing irreparable harm over something like this. I don't know what to tell you - this is close family and they'd be really, really hurt. Like I said, I was just venting - there's no doubt we're going to go. I love the groom like he was my own child and I want to be there for him and his fiancee. But I want to complain about it too haha. I totally get wanting to vent, I am an expert at that. I just think if it really did not work for you, they would understand if you have that close of a connection. Trust the relationship.
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