Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544 
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Post by Just T on Aug 29, 2023 4:40:53 GMT
*9/1 UPDATE: Thank you all once again for your kind thoughts and words and well wishes. I appreciate you ALL so very much. A couple of updates. My brother was sentenced to 24 months back in prison. It is what it is, and I can’t even be upset about it to be honest. My dad is still hanging in there, but definitely deteriorating. My sister was there with them today, and she said he was in so much pain, and it was taking them a while to get his pill to him. She said he was screaming for help. UGH She also said his foot is starting to smell really bad, which the hospice nurse told us would happen. I was supposed to have a trip with a friend this weekend that fell through, so I am taking it easy and relaxing this weekend. I have a cold, and today, I took a two hour nap. (I am NOT a napper at all!) Tomorrow, I am going to a friends to hang out by her pool. I will probably go visit my dad Sunday. Is near I haven’t updated on my dad for a while. He is officially back in the crappy nursing home as of Friday and officially under the care of hospice. It’s not gone well so far. I’ve written here over the years that my relationship with my parents has not ever been great. My parents are very negative, extremely critical people. Nothing is ever good enough for them, so therefore, over the years, I have done what I need to do for them because of what I feel like I should do. And to help out my sister, who lives next door to them and is their main caregiver and is truly a saint. My parents have lived in a house my sister and her husband own, rent free, for the past almost 20 years, yet they treat her terribly, too. I live about 2 hours away. Anyway, my dad is now dying and is on hospice care. None of us are happy about the nursing home he is in right now, and you may remember my long post about it a few weeks ago. But we had no choice. They live in a very rural area, and there aren’t many options for nursing homes that are close enough that my mom can drive to every day. The other two in this town wouldn’t take him. I said at the beginning of this post that it hasn’t gone well, but that is because of my mom. She is sooooo negative about the place that she is downright rude to the people who work there. She tends to talk with a very snippy tone of voice even in good times, and OMG. Friday and Saturday (my dad moved in on Friday) my sister and I spent a good deal of time apologizing to everyone our mom was rude to. One CNA who was in my dad’s room for literally less than 30 seconds, left his room in tears because of my mom. Everyone there really is nice, but they are understaffed. I do think most of them are trying their best. They also have Covid going through there right now, and several employees are out with that. It's all wayyyy too much to write about here, but man, it’s been rough. I spent most of the past few weeks practically living with my mom. I work from home on Wednesday and Thursday, so I’ve been going to my office on Monday and Tuesday, driving to my moms on Tuesday evening, then spending the rest of the week with my mom, visiting my dad when I can and working from her house on my work from home days and coming home on Saturday or Sunday. I have cooked for her, done housework and laundry, grocery shopping etc. I’m so grateful I have been able to do that, but dang. I came home yesterday, and I am so drained. This week, I can’t go there at all, so I will definitely take some time for a break. All that combined with my divorce is doing me in. Also, I haven’t written about this at all, maybe I did a few years ago, but I haven’t recently. In the midst of my dad going into hospice and dying, my brother was arrested a month or so ago on a parole violation. He served time in federal prison for something I am not going to write about, but it was bad. He’s been out on parole since the summer of 2017, and his parole was less than a year from being over. Now, he is likely going back to prison to serve the remainder of his sentence because of a really dumbass thing he did. (He originally was sentenced to 46 months and served 18 before he got out on parole). He has been held in jail with no bond, so he hasn’t been able to come say his goodbyes to my dad, and I know that is so hard on my dad, too. He will be sentenced this Friday. Can my life be anymore of a clusterf*ck? LOL I shouldn’t even say such a thing! Thanks again for reading and listening. My dad is hanging in there. He won’t get better, so it is a waiting game unfortunately. So far, the hospice nurses have been fantastic, and for now, my dad is comfortable. I know that won't last.  I just hope my mom can settle down. My sister texted me yesterday after I left to come home and said she is worried my mom is going to be banned from the nursing home because she is being so awful. That will not be good for my dad, so I hope she can cool her jets. |
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,643
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Aug 29, 2023 4:43:44 GMT
I'm no help, but I just wanted to give you a big hug.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 29, 2023 5:00:43 GMT
So very sorry you are having to go through all that mess. It really isn't fair, but you are a great DD, but you do need some time off to take a few deep breaths. off. Come here and vent as needed, go out outside and yell. We will still be here to listen. HUGS!!!! Just T |
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miascraps
Full Member
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Jun 26, 2014 15:37:58 GMT
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Post by miascraps on Aug 29, 2023 5:02:46 GMT
I’m sorry you are going through this. Big hugs.
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Post by katlady on Aug 29, 2023 5:10:58 GMT
Hugs to you!
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,017
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Post by mimima on Aug 29, 2023 5:14:56 GMT
That's a lot. Huge hugs
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Post by flanz on Aug 29, 2023 5:22:36 GMT
I'm very sorry. that's so much to deal with.
Sending love and hugs. Please remember you have to care for yourself too.
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Post by cawoman on Aug 29, 2023 6:35:36 GMT
Oh my gosh, that is a lot!!! As others have mentioned, take care of yourself and take time for yourself. It's not a selfish thing to do.
At all!
I'm really sorry. Hugs!!
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Aug 29, 2023 6:42:48 GMT
I’m so sorry, this is a lot for anyone, then to add your brother and divorce on top of that. I hope things settle down soon and your mom realizes she’s not helping the situation.
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,626
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Post by valincal on Aug 29, 2023 7:03:26 GMT
I’m so sorry! That is a lot to deal with. Take some time for yourself and try not to let the negativity and sadness overwhelm you. I know that is hard to do especially when it’s family. Big hugs.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,732
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Aug 29, 2023 7:47:09 GMT
So very sorry you are having to go through all that mess. It really isn't fair, but you are a great DD, but you do need some time off to take a few deep breaths. off. Come here and vent as needed, go out outside and yell. We will still be here to listen. HUGS!!!! Just T  This is just what I was going to say, only said so much better. I'm so SORRY. More hugs from me. I know your mom has always been this way, and this is a horrible time for her as well, but if she's potentially compromising your dad's care, I would absolutely say something to her. Doesn't she understand how she comes across, or does she just not care? |
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Post by Zee on Aug 29, 2023 7:50:02 GMT
I'm so sorry your going through so much right now. Hugs to you, I hope good things are around the corner. I don't mean to sound flippant and I'm sorry you are facing this with your father right now. ❤️
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Post by gillyp on Aug 29, 2023 7:55:37 GMT
You have so much in your plate right now. I’m sorry, it’s tough for you.
Could mom be being extra snippy and negative because she’s scared of the future and it’s a defence mechanism?
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,416
Location: Fergus, Ontario
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Post by cakediva on Aug 29, 2023 10:47:31 GMT
Hugs….
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 29, 2023 11:15:45 GMT
I'm so sorry your going through so much right now. Hugs to you, I hope good things are around the corner. I don't mean to sound flippant and I'm sorry you are facing this with your father right now. ❤️ I think I get what you’re trying to say and I echo it. It’s a really bad bundle of awful right now that you’ve got to slog through. But it will end. One way or another, your world will look different in the future. Sometimes that helps me get through a tough time… to know that it is a “season” and seasons change. |
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Post by littlemama on Aug 29, 2023 11:46:29 GMT
I'm sorry you are going through this. That is a lot all at once.
In your post I see you doing something that my husband tends to do when things arent going well, which I call, "piling on".
Focus on one situation at a time instead of treating it as one big clusterfuck.
-Change your mindset as far as the place your dad will live his final time. Stop calling it "crappy nursing home". That is not helpful to his situation or yours or to the people who are doing their best to care for him.
-You state that he is comfortable, but you know that won't last. Please speak to the hospice coordinator and have them explain the role of hospice, which is literally to keep the patient comfortable.
-Separate your brother's situation from what is going on in your life. His life choices are his, as are the consequences. You cant change it, so let it go. Depending on the offense, he may be able to ask to be taken to see his dad one last time before he goes back to prison.
-Do you need to be staying with your mother for the majority of every week? You dont need to feel obligated to spend that much time with someone who makes you miserable.
-You and your sister need to speak to the facility administrator and the hospice coordinator about your mother. It may be that all of you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with her about the way she treats the people who are caring for her husband. If she treats them poorly, her husband is going to get the bare minimum required care and that is it.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Aug 29, 2023 11:52:29 GMT
So very sorry you are having to go through all that mess. It really isn't fair, but you are a great DD, but you do need some time off to take a few deep breaths. off. Come here and vent as needed, go out outside and yell. We will still be here to listen. HUGS!!!! Just T This is just what I was going to say, only said so much better. I'm so SORRY. More hugs from me. I know your mom has always been this way, and this is a horrible time for her as well, but if she's potentially compromising your dad's care, I would absolutely say something to her. Doesn't she understand how she comes across, or does she just not care?I was just coming in to say this - and I would go so far to even say something to my mom about her shitty behavior when I witnessed it, even if the staff was still there. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 29, 2023 12:44:50 GMT
The very biggest of (((hugs))) to you.
I am so sorry that you are carrying so much emotional weight. One of those things would be heavy. All of them, at the same time? It takes a great toll, and you will need to give yourself an equal amount of respite and relaxation and rest once this chapter is closed.
The nursing home has probably seen grieving family members lash out, act rudely and snappily. It doesn't make your mom's behavior right, but they've seen it before, and most won't take it personally. It might benefit your family and relations with the staff to bring in a large gift basket of snacks for the staff. All individually wrapped items, shelf stable (no refrigeration needed).
I'm sorry your brother being arrested has impacted your family so negatively at such a difficult time. It is sad for everyone involved. Would he be allowed to write a letter to your father? Can your father write or dictate a letter to him?
As long as your father is at hospice, he should be damn near pain free. Hospice's main role is making sure his final journey is calm and pain free. If at any time he feels pain, alert the staff. He should have access to any and all narcotic pain relief necessary to control his discomfort.
When my mother was in hospice (at home, though, with a visiting nurse several times a week, and me as her main caregiver) she had several narcotic pain relievers, including morphine, and also an anxiety reducing pill.
in hospice, there is no fear of too much meds. There is no fear of addiction. There is no fear of overdose. Comfort is the goal.
Big hugs to you again.
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Post by PenandInk on Aug 29, 2023 12:47:21 GMT
I am so sorry. My parents were exactly like yours. My mom was incapable of behaving herself and caused so much drama throughout my whole life, but especially at the end of their lives. I understand what you’re going though. It is exhausting and seems so unreal that a bad situation can be made even worse. Take time for you and do what you must to take care of you first. And your mom is not you and most people in the nursing home know that. When I went through this, the nursing staff felt really bad for me that this was my mom.
Sending you a big hug.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,864
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 29, 2023 13:05:52 GMT
This is a rough season for your family. I'm so sorry. As hard as it is right now, it will not always be this hard. Hang in there. Take time for yourself. I will certainly be praying for you and your family. Watching your parents deteriorate is not easy.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 29, 2023 13:18:41 GMT
I am sorry. Any one of those things (difficult parents, questionable nursing care, brother incarcerated, divorce, father in hospice) would be really tough, and you are dealing with it all at once. It's just a lot. I hope you have some support and can find occasional peace.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
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Post by Just T on Aug 29, 2023 13:20:58 GMT
It is exhausting and seems so unreal that a bad situation can be made even worse. Exactly. I told my sister on Sunday that it's hard watching dad suffer and know he is going to die, but it's harder right now dealing with my mom. She agreed wholeheartedly. I'm sorry your brother being arrested has impacted your family so negatively at such a difficult time. It is sad for everyone involved. Would he be allowed to write a letter to your father? Can your father write or dictate a letter to him? That's a good idea, to have my dad dictate a letter to him. I will suggest that to my mom and sister since I am not there this week. He can't write at this time. As long as your father is at hospice, he should be damn near pain free. Hospice's main role is making sure his final journey is calm and pain free. If at any time he feels pain, alert the staff. He should have access to any and all narcotic pain relief necessary to control his discomfort. So far, this is true. He is on a fentanyl patch, right now the lowest dose. But they assure him they can increase the dosage. He also has something else he can take whenever he needs it. He is not on morphine yet, but we've been told that will be available, too. Could mom be being extra snippy and negative because she’s scared of the future and it’s a defence mechanism? Oh, I have no doubt that is part of it. She has been with my dad since she was 14, and she just turned 78 on Friday. Unfortunately, hard times bring out the worst parts of her already difficult personality, and they always have. I don't mean to sound flippant and I'm sorry you are facing this with your father right now. ❤️ You don't sound flippant at all! |
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
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Post by Just T on Aug 29, 2023 13:26:57 GMT
So very sorry you are having to go through all that mess. It really isn't fair, but you are a great DD, but you do need some time off to take a few deep breaths. off. Come here and vent as needed, go out outside and yell. We will still be here to listen. HUGS!!!! Just T This is just what I was going to say, only said so much better. I'm so SORRY. More hugs from me. I know your mom has always been this way, and this is a horrible time for her as well, but if she's potentially compromising your dad's care, I would absolutely say something to her. Doesn't she understand how she comes across, or does she just not care? I truly think she doesn't get how she comes across. In fact, Saturday night, after she had the one CNA in tears, she was complaining on the drive home about how rude the CNA was! I so wanted to say, "Mom, the only rude one was YOU!" I did try to have a gentle conversation with her Friday evening after the day was so awful. I told her none of us are happy with where he is, but we have no choice in the matter. I kept saying "we" so it didn't sound like I was accusing her, because she never thinks she does anything wrong. I said "WE need to be nice to them even if if WE don't like them because we want them to take good care of Dad." I also tried to make her see that the nursing home is clearly short staffed, and that they probably hate that they can't take care of people the way the want to because of that. She didn't say much, and she wasn't much better the next day. I left Sunday morning, and my sister texted me later and said she was pissed off that three different people "yelled" at her. She said even the hospice nurse yelled at her, which I in NO way believe. |
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naby64
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,924
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Post by naby64 on Aug 29, 2023 13:32:39 GMT
Gosh, that is just a lot. I am so sorry. I will say several have voiced the same things I thought. About your mom, she is most likely scared of her future. However, she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that the staff are doing their best and she is not helping them do their job. Whatever her thoughts are, they need to stay in her head. Especially when it comes to the hospice staff. Most of those people are angels! Yes, there is a bad apple here or there. But when my dad was dying, they came in to see him, checked on my mom and helped her with paperwork afterwards. Kept him as pain free as they could.
Big hugs to you!
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Post by pantsonfire on Aug 29, 2023 13:53:07 GMT
That is a lot of steaming shit on your plate. Lots of hugs and positive vibes coming your way. I hope your dad's passing is peaceful.
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
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Post by scrappyesq on Aug 29, 2023 14:13:03 GMT
Hugs. Getting to the other side of all this craziness is going to be hard. We are all here for you.
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Post by grammadee on Aug 29, 2023 14:23:14 GMT
This is a stressful time for everyone. It is sad that your mom can only express her loss with anger. If the staff are trained at all in geriatric care, they will recognize it for what it is--grief. My heart goes out to you, both your parents, and your whole family as you go through this.
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Post by ntsf on Aug 29, 2023 15:58:19 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through all this at once!!!! hugs and more hugs. feel free to come here to complain as we are willing to listen... without judgment..
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 29, 2023 16:12:03 GMT
Can you also get your brother to dictate a letter to your dad?
I'm sorry that you have so much on your plate and none of it easy. We're all here w/you, but don't be shy about reaching out for more professional support, as well. You need a village right now. ((((HUGS)))).
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Post by flanz on Aug 29, 2023 16:51:08 GMT
I'm very sorry. that's so much to deal with.
Sending love and hugs. Please remember you have to care for yourself too.
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I just hope my mom can settle down. My sister texted me yesterday after I left to come home and said she is worried my mom is going to be banned from the nursing home because she is being so awful. That will not be good for my dad, so I hope she can cool her jets. 
