peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 2, 2024 15:25:14 GMT
I had coffee this morning with a friend who was telling me about a friend of hers who is getting divorced: soon to be ex moves her from her comfortable community, where she has friends and a support system, for a new job and then leaves her.
This is the fifth time I've heard this exact scenario - four recently; one a while ago.
20 years ago, this happened to one friend of mine - he moved her away from a solid group of friends for a new job and then left her; and just last year this happened to one of my best friends - he got a new job and moved her away and then left her for his high school girlfriend. In both of these situations, my friends were left with no one but the kids - they never even had the chance to make new friends.
Is this something that happens a lot or just something that I've latched onto because it's happening to people in my world?
I'm only interested because patterns in human behavior are fascinating to me. In many of these situations, the men were heading into midlife crisis land so I think the job and the move were things they thought would make them feel better and when it didn't, the wives went too. Or is it more calculated? Get them away from their support systems and they are more vulnerable in the divorce?
Just curious if anyone else has noticed this and if it's a "thing" or not.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Mar 2, 2024 15:41:38 GMT
I've seen a few similar situations. I always thought it was just the added stress of the move. In one case, the move was not really wanted by either party, but there was a real issue finding a new job after a layoff that caused a lot of additional tension as well. I think it was a last ditch effort to save a marriage already in trouble.
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Post by hennybutton on Mar 2, 2024 15:55:40 GMT
It happened to me on Leap Day exactly 40 years ago. We hadn't even finished unpacking when the ex ran away. He left me with $60 and rent due the next day. I didn't even have a job because we had an 11 month old baby and he didn't want me to work while she was a baby.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 2, 2024 15:57:28 GMT
I will say from my own personal experience...
Ex and I had a life going. The recession hit and we lost our jobs. We moved to another state for work. That loss of all the consistency we had in our lives and then a move for him to work his "dream job" after years of bitching about his former job despite it being less pay, really highlighted for me that the only thing that had kept us together for many years prior was financial stability. After we moved, his drinking got worse, his attitude got worse, and then one day a random drug and alcohol test and that job was gone too. I realized I had nothing left to lose. I moved back home with my kids. And he moved back too and ironically his old plant had reopened and he got his old job back. We could have rebuilt the finances in a little bit of time. But nope, I had already seen the light and chose divorce.
I think anytime you are shaken out of your comfort zone, you see things very differently. It's hard to look beyond what we know. A move, a new job, well those things tend to change your outlook.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 2, 2024 16:02:01 GMT
It happened to me on Leap Day exactly 40 years ago. We hadn't even finished unpacking when the ex ran away. He left me with $60 and rent due the next day. I didn't even have a job because we had an 11 month old baby and he didn't want me to work while she was a baby. OMG - how awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. |
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Post by ~summer~ on Mar 2, 2024 16:16:35 GMT
I know quite a few people separating and divorcing (hello middle age) - and I have not heard of that happening. I will say my close friends who have been through it are much, much better off now.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Mar 2, 2024 16:39:46 GMT
I don't know anyone that experienced that exact scenario.
If a marriage or relationship doesn't last after a relocation....I think it has more to do with an already troubled and shaky relationship.....and not an intentional plan to divorce or split when we get there.
Marriage and relationships take work, effort, communication, give and take, etc... mix in an out of state move, new jobs, no friends, no support system, life as one knows it turned completely upside down, etc... that can stress the best of marriages and partnerships....imagine what it can do to an already troubled or not the best marriage and partnership. An out of state move can cause upheaval, in many ways.
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Post by sunnyd on Mar 2, 2024 16:42:46 GMT
Yes, in 1 case the husband already had a girlfriend in the new state when they moved there for his new job. In another case the family moved for the wife to start a PhD program. She fell in love with another married student. Her husband & kids were stuck in the new state with no one.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Mar 2, 2024 16:44:04 GMT
“He moved her away” makes it sound like the woman had no free will.
I have also seen this happen to a friend but like others mentioned I think it has more to do with the stress and the different circumstances. If you are surrounded by family and friends and content with your life it is easier to overlook things but when you move from that and it’s just the two of you it’s harder to avoid the issues and unhappiness. That was the case of my friend anyway.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 2, 2024 16:46:18 GMT
I think the move opens up new potential other women. New = novelty and no connection to the wife.
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sueg
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Post by sueg on Mar 2, 2024 17:26:59 GMT
I saw this happen many years ago - 25-30 - with two families who had children in my DS's school class. Looking back, I think both marriages were pretty shaky when they relocated and I think they may have been hoping for a fresh start. Both couples broke up within a year of the move.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 2, 2024 17:37:39 GMT
“He moved her away” makes it sound like the woman had no free will. I have also seen this happen to a friend but like others mentioned I think it has more to do with the stress and the different circumstances. If you are surrounded by family and friends and content with your life it is easier to overlook things but when you move from that and it’s just the two of you it’s harder to avoid the issues and unhappiness. That was the case of my friend anyway. In the two cases I know about neither thought the man was unhappy but both were willing to move to support the move and the family. But also, both were very, very unhappy to move away from their friends and lives and homes. |
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Post by busy on Mar 2, 2024 17:46:24 GMT
My BFF and her DH moved a number of years ago for a great job opportunity for him. She had always been a SAHM and had a great support system where they were and was nervous about leaving but the job was enough advancement and more money, she agreed to it because they both thought it would be better for than family in the long run
Looking back, I’m surprised they are still married. She ended up hating the move and was miserable (I don’t think she tried very hard to build friends and a life there and instead just focused on what she didn’t like but that’s a different story). Obviously that affected the marriage. They plan had been to be there for four years (it was international, and that was as long as it could be) but they moved home after two. I have no doubt they’d have divorced if they tried to stay all four.
All that to say, n=1, but moving is stressful. Leaving an established support system is stressful. A spouse starting a new job, which usually means more responsibility, is stressful. Even already strong marriages can be severely tested by those things. Pile them all on at once and a marriage can easily break.
Could there be malicious intent? Sure. But not necessarily.
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Post by epeanymous on Mar 2, 2024 17:50:58 GMT
Yes! This is definitely a thing. I know a bunch of couples like this. Here are some of the situations:
(1) Husband was cheating with someone in new city and hoped wife would refuse to move (two of these!)
(2) Husband wanted to move for work, wife didn’t, eternal fighting(multiple of these too)
(3) Husband wanted to move because he was unhappy, but turned out his own unhappiness followed him
Basically any time I hear a couple is moving far, I hold my breath.
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Post by mom on Mar 2, 2024 19:16:04 GMT
I've had 3 older friends that something like this happened to.
1. One friend would say she didn't see this happening as she thought all was well. Others (like her friends) saw red flags she didn't and we were not surprised.
2. Of the 3 couples, I would say 2 of the men were in what I'd call a mid-life crisis that was obvious to everyone. If one of the wives was being honest she would tell you she moved with the hopes that her DH would come out of his crisis. She once compared it to having a baby when you're young and hoping the baby would save your marriage. She agreed to. move and then 6 months later he wanted out and had a mistress.
3. The last couple was a complete surprised to her and us. They moved for a job promotion and the wife quit working when they moved. On the outside, I would have described their marriage as healthy so we were floored when she sent our friend group a text that her DH was wanting out. She tried to get him to stay but he wouldn't. So she went back to work and after a year or so of living in the city they moved to, she moved back home to have some support and help with her girls. Im not sure where her DH is at or if he remarried. He always swore all the mess wasn't for another woman but that he was just unhappy.
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Post by peace on Mar 2, 2024 19:23:06 GMT
I know a woman that lives near here. She and her husband care for an elderly lady- don't live together but they all lived in Maryland. They all decide to move to Florida. Older lady has money and wants to buy a duplex and they can live on one side- this couple also have a teenage boy.
Husband sends wife with older lady to find, buy and move while he takes care of everything up there. Well, don't cha know he just wanted HER to move. He was having an affair with a neighbor. She figured it out and he ended up having custody because the son didn't want to move and now she is down here alone with elderly (and difficult) lady.
Not quite the same but similar. I have heard other similar stories was well.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Mar 2, 2024 19:52:24 GMT
I've had 3 older friends that something like this happened to. 1. One friend would say she didn't see this happening as she thought all was well. Others (like her friends) saw red flags she didn't and we were not surprised. 2. Of the 3 couples, I would say 2 of the men were in what I'd call a mid-life crisis that was obvious to everyone. If one of the wives was being honest she would tell you she moved with the hopes that her DH would come out of his crisis. She once compared it to having a baby when you're young and hoping the baby would save your marriage. She agreed to. move and then 6 months later he wanted out and had a mistress. 3. The last couple was a complete surprised to her and us. They moved for a job promotion and the wife quit working when they moved. On the outside, I would have described their marriage as healthy so we were floored when she sent our friend group a text that her DH was wanting out. She tried to get him to stay but he wouldn't. So she went back to work and after a year or so of living in the city they moved to, she moved back home to have some support and help with her girls. Im not sure where her DH is at or if he remarried. He always swore all the mess wasn't for another woman but that he was just unhappy. Ditto this on the woman I said was one of my best friends. What appeared from the outside to be an incredibly healthy marriage. She did say he was feeling sort of "itchy" with midlife stuff, but getting back with his high school girlfriend was not on my Ouija board, that's for sure. |
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Post by rst on Mar 3, 2024 0:28:36 GMT
I was friends with a woman in my mom and toddler group (so a good 25 years ago) in that situation where it certainly seemed it was a very calculated move on her husband's part. He got her and the kids moved for his dream job, then popped a surprise divorce, and she was stuck unable to move back to either her former city where she had college friends or her country of origin due to the terms of their custody agreement. He remarried pretty quickly and the new wife was able to be a stay at home parent to her own new baby as well as my friend's kids, while friend was pretty much forced to find work to keep afloat as a single parent. She was originally from another country, so that added another dimension to the isolation for her. It was a really sad and tough situation.
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Post by Zee on Mar 3, 2024 0:44:48 GMT
I'm kind of surprised at these responses, honestly.
Moving across the country really helped us re-prioritize each other and our marriage. It was the best thing we ever did for our marriage, leaving old baggage and connections behind for a fresh start. I actually did NOT want to move and leave my job of 15 years behind along with my friends and family. I spent 9 months getting the house in order and sold and making up my mind and all that, while he had an apartment and his new job. I only agreed to move if it meant I didn't have to work, and he agreed. I did go back to work after two years because I was over my burnout and kind of bored.
Then we moved again 6 years after that and that was just as good. I look forward to doing it again some day but right now we are both doing very well career-wise, so that probably won't be until after retirement.
Of my friends who moved far away for their spouse's career, all are still together with their spouses.
That would be pretty awful to get left high and dry after supporting THEIR career in a move.
Then again, I can always find a new job anywhere I go. So that's one less worry I have. It's still starting all over, but at least it's always an option for me.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Mar 3, 2024 1:14:57 GMT
I actually have NOT seen this trend at all! But what I have had are 3 friends who left their husbands for other people, after they had dramatic weight losses. Two of them had weight loss surgery, and one lost the weight without surgery. Two of them shocked the heck out of me because I thought I was very close to them, and I had no idea they were even unhappy. The third, I didn't know as well, so I wouldn't have expected her to mention any marital unhappiness to me.
What are we considering middle age, btw? All of my friends who did this were in their 30s at the time, and I def. don't consider that to be middle age!
Now that I'm thinking further about it, I don't have any friends who were left by their husbands...all of them were the ones doing the leaving! lol
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Post by ~summer~ on Mar 3, 2024 2:37:57 GMT
I actually have NOT seen this trend at all! But what I have had are 3 friends who left their husbands for other people, after they had dramatic weight losses. Two of them had weight loss surgery, and one lost the weight without surgery. Two of them shocked the heck out of me because I thought I was very close to them, and I had no idea they were even unhappy. The third, I didn't know as well, so I wouldn't have expected her to mention any marital unhappiness to me. What are we considering middle age, btw? All of my friends who did this were in their 30s at the time, and I def. don't consider that to be middle age! Now that I'm thinking further about it, I don't have any friends who were left by their husbands...all of them were the ones doing the leaving! lol I agree that for the people I know, it’s the wife who leaves. And I consider middle aged right around 50-55. |
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Post by manomo on Mar 3, 2024 7:11:06 GMT
DH's sister had a similar experience about 45 years ago. Her husband took a job several hundred miles away, she stayed behind for her son to finish the school year and for her to pack up the house. When the house was ready to move, he asked her for a divorce because he'd met someone at his new job. He suggested she just move back to her hometown (over 2,000 miles away) since the house was ready to go. She was totally blindsided and it took her years to get back on her feet.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Mar 3, 2024 12:11:25 GMT
I was friends with a woman in my mom and toddler group (so a good 25 years ago) in that situation where it certainly seemed it was a very calculated move on her husband's part. He got her and the kids moved for his dream job, then popped a surprise divorce, and she was stuck unable to move back to either her former city where she had college friends or her country of origin due to the terms of their custody agreement. He remarried pretty quickly and the new wife was able to be a stay at home parent to her own new baby as well as my friend's kids, while friend was pretty much forced to find work to keep afloat as a single parent. She was originally from another country, so that added another dimension to the isolation for her. It was a really sad and tough situation. My blood is boiling here at the unfairness for your friend😡. OP, I have known of similar cases. In both, the families lived close by, and it was only after moving the wife and kids away from both his and her family that they divorced them. I think they were too chicken to do it with their family and in laws nearby. |
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Post by epeanymous on Mar 3, 2024 12:33:27 GMT
I'm kind of surprised at these responses, honestly. Moving across the country really helped us re-prioritize each other and our marriage. It was the best thing we ever did for our marriage, leaving old baggage and connections behind for a fresh start. I actually did NOT want to move and leave my job of 15 years behind along with my friends and family. I spent 9 months getting the house in order and sold and making up my mind and all that, while he had an apartment and his new job. I only agreed to move if it meant I didn't have to work, and he agreed. I did go back to work after two years because I was over my burnout and kind of bored. Then we moved again 6 years after that and that was just as good. I look forward to doing it again some day but right now we are both doing very well career-wise, so that probably won't be until after retirement. Of my friends who moved far away for their spouse's career, all are still together with their spouses. That would be pretty awful to get left high and dry after supporting THEIR career in a move. Then again, I can always find a new job anywhere I go. So that's one less worry I have. It's still starting all over, but at least it's always an option for me. I think it is very different for couples where both spouses work, usually, because in my experience there are many only-husband-works families where the wife ends up with little leverage because the husband uses financial leverage to compel the wife to either move or divorce on crappy terms. I never considered this as a 24-year-old baby getting married, but even as a working spouse now, I would tell couples to get a prenup that clearly outlines what each spouse gets in terms of assets and support that includes contingencies for a spouse who becomes unemployed due to taking care of children or disability. I thought of a prenup as a way to protect the wealthier spouse’s assets, but it should be protective of a person who is doing agreed-upon otherwise-uncompensated labor for the family. |
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Post by Tearisci on Mar 3, 2024 15:45:49 GMT
I guess I had a similar situation. exDH took a job in DC with a pay cut to join a new tech group under the Obama administration. We sold our house in Seattle and moved to DC. I didn't know anyone but eventually made a few close friends. Fast forward to a year later and he's suddenly "not happy with our marriage" and wants to go to counseling which he barely participated in. After about 10 months, he said he was done. I knew I couldn't afford to stay in DC by myself so it meant moving back home. Of course, I was worried about rent too in Seattle.
A week or so after he made his proclamation, I came down to Dallas to visit my sister and just felt like that was the place for me to be. A big supportive family and rent that I could afford. It definitely wasn't on my radar to move someplace I'd never really spent time but it was totally the right decision. DS ended up moving from Seattle to DC and we talked our parents into moving down here. It turned out to be the 100% right decision. Turns out he was cheating on me with one of his co-workers that he traveled with a lot for his job. He's still with her 6 years later and bought a house.
I'm happy with where I am now but it was definitely a turbulent time.
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Post by hennybutton on Mar 4, 2024 4:55:55 GMT
It happened to me on Leap Day exactly 40 years ago. We hadn't even finished unpacking when the ex ran away. He left me with $60 and rent due the next day. I didn't even have a job because we had an 11 month old baby and he didn't want me to work while she was a baby. OMG - how awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Thanks. My daughter and I ended up better off. By the time DD was 18, he was on his 4th wife. I have no idea how many times he's been married now. I'm celebrating my 35th wedding anniversary with my new husband this year.  |
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Post by dewryce on Mar 4, 2024 14:02:45 GMT
“He moved her away” makes it sound like the woman had no free will. I have also seen this happen to a friend but like others mentioned I think it has more to do with the stress and the different circumstances. If you are surrounded by family and friends and content with your life it is easier to overlook things but when you move from that and it’s just the two of you it’s harder to avoid the issues and unhappiness. That was the case of my friend anyway. In the two cases I know about neither thought the man was unhappy but both were willing to move to support the move and the family. But also, both were very, very unhappy to move away from their friends and lives and homes. I think this can say a lot about the couple if it wasn’t absolutely necessary for financial reasons. If he was willing to ignore her unhappiness, assuming she expressed it and he did, then I’d say that was likely a huge red flag. |
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Post by dewryce on Mar 4, 2024 14:12:47 GMT
I'm kind of surprised at these responses, honestly. Moving across the country really helped us re-prioritize each other and our marriage. It was the best thing we ever did for our marriage, leaving old baggage and connections behind for a fresh start. I actually did NOT want to move and leave my job of 15 years behind along with my friends and family. I spent 9 months getting the house in order and sold and making up my mind and all that, while he had an apartment and his new job. I only agreed to move if it meant I didn't have to work, and he agreed. I did go back to work after two years because I was over my burnout and kind of bored. Then we moved again 6 years after that and that was just as good. I look forward to doing it again some day but right now we are both doing very well career-wise, so that probably won't be until after retirement. Of my friends who moved far away for their spouse's career, all are still together with their spouses. That would be pretty awful to get left high and dry after supporting THEIR career in a move. Then again, I can always find a new job anywhere I go. So that's one less worry I have. It's still starting all over, but at least it's always an option for me. That’s probably true for most stronger marriages, even if there are issues if there is a strong base and still a lot of love I can absolutely see this happening. But if the relationships are unstable and/or don’t have a strong base and lots of love left, it’s a lot to put a marriage through. We’re a team and big changes like this also bring us together, but I know several couples that I think the stress of a move in those circumstances would break them. |
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Post by gracieplusthree on Mar 4, 2024 15:11:01 GMT
I know someone who moved to get a fresh start due to some things in their relationship. Didn't work they wound up divorced.
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StephDRebel
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Post by StephDRebel on Mar 4, 2024 16:01:00 GMT
What a thread to read on day 3 of a 4 day drive to a new city for my husband's job. ☠️
I believe that a lot of job changes come because of frustration at work that spills to the relationship. Couples are often frustrated with mismatched schedules, low pay, work stress and an angry partner, etc.
We often let those frustrations build for years amd then see a new baby or a new job/new city as an opportunity to start fresh.
With a new job it often starts off positive and the new employee has lots of nice things said about them that build their confidence and then they go home to the same partner, the same stress, and the same relationship struggles because things like that don't fix themselves with a new location.
At that point with higher pay and a fresh environment to start over in I can see it seeming like a lot less work than fixing the relationship, and it's a heck of an opportunity to reinvent yourself without the burden if judgement from friends and family who are local.
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