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Post by laureljean on Dec 23, 2014 2:25:57 GMT
We got them a pretty substantial (for us) gift anyway.
Her rationale: She is off on maternity leave and they can't afford much this Christmas, so they can't reciprocate.
My rationale:
1. A gift is not a transaction; it is given with no strings. ( I reminded her of that)
2. DH is retiring the end of January, and this is the last Christmas we will not be on a tight budget. I say, let's go all out this Christmas (we don't charge-- cash only, and right now, we can afford the extras).
So what say the Refupeas: Am I being disrespectful? What we are getting them, they have been wanting for awhile, but haven't been able to purchase. We paid cash for it, and it has not been a burden to us.
I guess this is a PVM. (I'm blushing)
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 23, 2014 2:28:27 GMT
Your sil might feel weird about it, just explain it the same way you did here.
I'd graciously accept and then feel weird for a little bit, but I would get over it
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Dec 23, 2014 2:28:37 GMT
Get them a gift... you're her parents.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Dec 23, 2014 2:30:20 GMT
Get them a gift... you're her parents. I agree with this. But inquiring minds want to know.....what'd you get?  |
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 23, 2014 2:30:39 GMT
In your position I would absolutely have bought my DD a gift, with the knowledge that I do not want anything in return.
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 23, 2014 2:30:42 GMT
I give gifts to several people who don't reciprocate. I want to do this.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,770
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Dec 23, 2014 2:31:27 GMT
As soon as they start to complain pick up your new grandbaby and remind them you already got your gift from them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 19:15:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 2:32:28 GMT
We got them a pretty substantial (for us) gift anyway. Her rationale: She is off on maternity leave and they can't afford much this Christmas, so they can't reciprocate. My rationale: 1. A gift is not a transaction; it is given with no strings. ( I reminded her of that) 2. DH is retiring the end of January, and this is the last Christmas we will not be on a tight budget. I say, let's go all out this Christmas (we don't charge-- cash only, and right now, we can afford the extras). So what say the Refupeas: Am I being disrespectful? What we are getting them, they have been wanting for awhile, but haven't been able to purchase. We paid cash for it, and it has not been a burden to us. I guess this is a PVM. (I'm blushing) Have you told her this will be your last Christmas to not be worried about a budget yourself? |
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Post by kikitwo on Dec 23, 2014 2:35:22 GMT
I would go ahead and give them the gift. I think Tank Top's suggestion is perfect!
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,390 
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 23, 2014 2:35:29 GMT
I would do what you did...get the gift anyway. She's your DD, you can do that  |
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Post by laureljean on Dec 23, 2014 3:51:44 GMT
Thanks, everyone, I feel validated.
TankTop, I love your suggestion. If they say anything, that's what I will tell them.
Volt, she knows that DH is retiring, but I don't think that she knows what that will mean to us, budget-wise. I might mention that if she really kicks about it.
Thanks, all!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 19:15:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 3:56:14 GMT
Thanks, everyone, I feel validated. TankTop, I love your suggestion. If they say anything, that's what I will tell them. Volt, she knows that DH is retiring, but I don't think that she knows what that will mean to us, budget-wise. I might mention that if she really kicks about it. Thanks, all! In that case I think it is ok to "ignore" her request this year. But do explain the retirement is going to mean much smaller Christmases in the future and you want this one last time to give her something big. |
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
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Post by Peamac on Dec 23, 2014 4:25:49 GMT
Tell her- "You're giving us a grandchild, we want to give you this!" Sounds fair, right?  ETA- Nevermind- I should have the comments first. But yeah- what's the gift? Do tell! |
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Post by maryland on Dec 23, 2014 4:26:06 GMT
If they say something tell them that when their child is an adult, and their child couldn't afford to give gifts, what would they do. I bet the would still want to buy for their child! Maybe say they your child is always your child, and you always want to do for your children and you don't expect anything in return! Being new parents, I bet they will understand! Or say they can "repay" you buy sending or emailing you lots of pictures of their new baby! Phone calls will probably mean more to you than gifts anyways!
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 23, 2014 4:56:05 GMT
It's a mother's prerogative to spoil her children. Explain to her what you just explained to us and let her enjoy the gift.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 19:15:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 5:56:30 GMT
It's a mother's prerogative to spoil her children. Explain to her what you just explained to us and let her enjoy the gift. But the sil may not see himself as one of his mil children. It can be an affront to a young husband who is struggling to provide for HIS family. Once your child marries they are no longer "your child" They are someone else's wife, husband, father or mother. That needs to be respected unless you want strained relationships in the coming years. How many peas have limited contact with one side or both sides of the families because the older generation won't stop parenting or won't respect boundaries because "you are my child"? |
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 23, 2014 6:49:00 GMT
Explain to her what you explained to us on here and I bet she will understand. She is a mom now after all and I bet she would do the same thing for her little one.
Hope y'all have a wonderful Holiday!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 19:15:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 7:00:12 GMT
Roll your eyes at her, remind her that you gave birth/adopted her because you loved her so much and tell her it's your (plural) right to spoil your daughter and husband one last time. Next year money will be tight but this year we have it and are going for it. It's not a contest to see who can spend the most. It's a "because we want to and love you both so much and are going to"!!!!! I mean why not? Enjoy your holidays with them while you are able and have a wonderful day! |
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Post by ptamom on Dec 23, 2014 7:06:55 GMT
We got them a pretty substantial (for us) gift anyway. Her rationale: She is off on maternity leave and they can't afford much this Christmas, so they can't reciprocate. My rationale: 1. A gift is not a transaction; it is given with no strings. ( I reminded her of that) 2. DH is retiring the end of January, and this is the last Christmas we will not be on a tight budget. I say, let's go all out this Christmas (we don't charge-- cash only, and right now, we can afford the extras). So what say the Refupeas: Am I being disrespectful? What we are getting them, they have been wanting for awhile, but haven't been able to purchase. We paid cash for it, and it has not been a burden to us. I guess this is a PVM. (I'm blushing) That depends. Did you agree to not get them presents, but then go back on your word? Years ago, my sister and brother in law, who had just bought their first home, agreed to come to the family Christmas dinner on the condition that they would not want to exchange gifts with anyone. They were a bit strapped from closing on the house, so asked that no one buy them gifts, as they would feel bad that they could not reciprocate that year. My parents agreed. Then, bought them presents anyway. In fact, bought them more than they usually would have, to "warm their new home." My sister was extremely uncomfortable, and BIL was genuinely angry, that their wishes had been agreed to, then disregarded. They made other plans for subsequent Christmases. |
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grammanisi
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,740
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Post by grammanisi on Dec 23, 2014 7:22:17 GMT
I disagree with this! Once my child, always my child. We only have one and have always gone above and beyond for her and for her family. Her husband knew what he was getting when they got married and he loves it this way, too!
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Post by polz on Dec 23, 2014 8:11:05 GMT
Tell your DD you already bought the present before she made her announcement.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
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Post by cycworker on Dec 23, 2014 8:20:38 GMT
I disagree with this! Once my child, always my child. We only have one and have always gone above and beyond for her and for her family. Her husband knew what he was getting when they got married and he loves it this way, too! Well said grammanisi! I totally agree with you. I buy gifts for the people I want to buy for, regardless of whether I think they`ll reciprocate. |
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Post by omarakbt on Dec 23, 2014 8:34:43 GMT
I'd go ahead and give them the gift, if they say anything explain it as you have here.
The greatest gift an adult child can give their parent is the gift of time. Having you over to dinner, going on picnic in the park are perfect low cost gifts for them to give you
Diane
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Post by SweetiePie Pea on Dec 23, 2014 8:45:08 GMT
We got them a pretty substantial (for us) gift anyway. Her rationale: She is off on maternity leave and they can't afford much this Christmas, so they can't reciprocate. My rationale: 1. A gift is not a transaction; it is given with no strings. ( I reminded her of that) 2. DH is retiring the end of January, and this is the last Christmas we will not be on a tight budget. I say, let's go all out this Christmas (we don't charge-- cash only, and right now, we can afford the extras). So what say the Refupeas: Am I being disrespectful? What we are getting them, they have been wanting for awhile, but haven't been able to purchase. We paid cash for it, and it has not been a burden to us. I guess this is a PVM. (I'm blushing) That depends. Did you agree to not get them presents, but then go back on your word? Years ago, my sister and brother in law, who had just bought their first home, agreed to come to the family Christmas dinner on the condition that they would not want to exchange gifts with anyone. They were a bit strapped from closing on the house, so asked that no one buy them gifts, as they would feel bad that they could not reciprocate that year. My parents agreed. Then, bought them presents anyway. In fact, bought them more than they usually would have, to "warm their new home." My sister was extremely uncomfortable, and BIL was genuinely angry, that their wishes had been agreed to, then disregarded. They made other plans for subsequent Christmases. Good lord! To say that's an extreme reaction is an understatement. MOST people are granted with gifts for housewarming and there is zero reciprocation expected. Because they did this at xmas shouldn't be an issue if it was when they bought the house and/or when the parents could give. While I can understand a husbands need to provide, there is also a time for being humble and thankful for those that show their love towards you. |
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 19:15:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 9:13:11 GMT
We have 3 grown daughters and they all have a lot of kids. We do not need or expect gifts from them. We would prefer they spend the money on themselves or the kids. It is something we really don't even discuss. We are their parents and we want to be generous and bless them as often as possible with no expectations of anything except a thank you. Sometimes they get us something small, sometimes not. We love being able to give them stuff and are grateful that we are able to do that. I thought all parents felt like that.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 23, 2014 9:27:01 GMT
I think being offended over getting a gift is very odd and controlling behavior. It's a gift.
I vote for you can always give your kids as much as you want. If you start smothering them, they'll let you know. But I doubt that's what you're doing.
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Post by Really Red on Dec 23, 2014 12:29:54 GMT
I want to know what you got as well! And you know what? For the most part, parents should be exempted from that gift thing. I mean if the parents aren't already OTT and are usually respectful, this is an occasion to do just exactly as you are doing. You explain and quite frankly your child should be gracious. I would be. I would be embarrassed if it was anyone other than my parents, but your parents are different. It's nice to be spoiled sometimes |
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 23, 2014 13:20:53 GMT
She's done her part by letting you know her circumstances. you've done your part by explaining your feelings. Give freely and without regret.
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Dec 23, 2014 14:56:33 GMT
Yep, what everyone else says...give them the gift!
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
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Post by gloryjoy on Dec 23, 2014 14:59:10 GMT
As soon as they start to complain pick up your new grandbaby and remind them you already got your gift from them. Yeah that. Because I am a new grandma, and I know money is tight for my son and dil right now, but I don't care about any of the material things. I don't need presents, I just want your presence. |
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