brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on Mar 7, 2015 1:10:05 GMT
My relationship with my mom is eh. We live 600+ miles apart...I talk to her once a week or once every other week. We talk about the day to day stuff that goes on but nothing that I'd consider in depth. I'm sure we'd be closer if I lived closer but I have no desire to move back to my home town and she has no desire to move out here. So it is what it is. I had a good childhood - I was never one to confide in her or share anything personal...and she never did either. I envy the relationships that I see where the mom & dd are super close and talk a bunch. That's just not me.
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ReneeH20
Full Member
Posts: 452
Jun 28, 2014 16:00:48 GMT
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Post by ReneeH20 on Mar 7, 2015 2:45:20 GMT
During my growing up years, I never felt like she loved me except on my birthday and Christmas. The woman has undiagnosed depression. That played into our relationship. She could and still can be a raging b*tch. She did something really crappy to me at 18 that even her mother (my maternal grandmother) called her a b*tch. We fought like cats and dogs from age 12 to about 21. There is a reason why I live 350 miles away.
After I had my kids, things changed. My mom had to be nice to me if she wanted to see her grandkids (my kids were the only grandkids for 5 years). She totally mellowed out around me. Becoming a mother myself helped me to see things from her point of view. Our relationship has improved tenfold. I now consider her a friend. We have even travelled together. We get along really well now.
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Post by travelsoul on Mar 7, 2015 3:10:21 GMT
She is my best friend. We talk almost everyday and spend several days a month together.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 3:24:08 GMT
My mom had serious issues. She was an alcoholic, bi polar and also had multiple personality disorder. But the older I get, the more I know she did the best she could. She died in 1999 and I think it's because I have had almost 16 years to process everything that I am at the point that I am. Even though she was very verbally, emotionally and physically abusive, I forgive her. Our relationship was very complicated but she taught me a lot. And the peace I feel from forgiving her is amazing. Also as much as I love my grandma, living with her was not easy. I was able to see a little bit of the "why" behind my mom if that makes sense. Now they are both gone.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 3:57:10 GMT
conchita thank you. What's that saying... If wishes were horses beggars would ride. I try to be good to myself and see things in a realistic way. It is what it is, sad but I was blessed with a sister who really raised me after the age of 19 when I left home.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 3:57:41 GMT
My mother was a high functioning autistic. She was not very huggy or lovey and she was obsessed with cleaning. She spent a lot sitting by herself , rocking,
But I talk to her everyday up to the day, that I told her my husband and I wanted to build a small cottage on my part of the land my father left me. She told me that she gave all rights to my brother, because he deserved it. Then she told me it was my fault my father died because i didn't stay home to take of him. And how dare I run off get married and have a baby. And how could I have another baby.
I actually forgave her for that rant, then a week later Her brother died , was buried on her birthday and 9/11 happen .
She was very unhappy that my brother and his bitch wife had to move in with her. So we invited her to come stay with us for a couple of months. Nov-March.
She then said this. "I can't leave my grandchildren during the holidays".
But my kids are your grandchildren too and would love to have you here.
They aren't my real grandchildren, not like Jonathan is.
I hung up and never talk to her after that.
I could forgive her for all the other crap , but saying my children weren't her real grandchildren. Nope nada noway.
Then her sister told me that I was a huge oops and whenever my parents could leave me with her or the other sister they would.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 3:57:54 GMT
Ours was very strained for a very long time. I had major insecurity issues and she had major co-dependent issues. It took her into my thirties to see me as an adult capable of making sound decisions (tho she didn't always agree with my choices) and it took me into my thirties to see that she always truly had my best interest at heart, would move mountains for me and was my very best friend.
My only regret is all the years we missed out on by not figuring all this out sooner. I hate to think of all the mean things I said and did to her. They haunt me to this day. And we've talked about how hateful I was in my teens and 20's and I've told her how sorry I am and of course, she just flips her hand and totally dismisses it like it was just a phase and no big deal. I hope I have even a fraction of her grace, compassion and forgiveness.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Mar 7, 2015 7:05:03 GMT
Complicated. Good most of the time... depends on the subject and mood/ health etc..
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Mar 7, 2015 7:14:23 GMT
My mom and I have always been very close. She's always been the most loving fantastic mom I could ask for. Thing is, she didn't have to be. My bio mom died when I was five and my dad remarried when I was seven. She has never treated me any different than her own child and I love her so much. She is now residing in a memory care facility and I go see her as often as I can. I know that there will come a day that she won't know who I am anymore, but it hasn't come yet and I'm thankful everyday for it.
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Post by shescrafty on Mar 7, 2015 13:23:26 GMT
I would say there's lots of love... but it's difficult. We mirror each other in all the wrong ways. We make each other defensive. She reads a lot into my actions which makes me very anxious and sometimes angry. I think we both want to have a better relationship but aren't very sure how to do that. Living far from each other doesn't help. That is very similar to my own relationship with my mom. She seems to resent me for things that I think are weird-like how close the relationship was between my dad and I. Because of that she lashes out when she is mad and negates that relationship because I think she knows how much it hurts me. She recently accused me of leaving the country when my dad was diagnosed and going to Mexico-a trip I had taken 4 years prior when my dad did not have cancer. I realized then that she holds a lot of anger towards me for things I did not do. In some ways we are so similar that I have to be careful. But in other ways I just don't understand her feelings and actions. It is hard to watch her dote over the grand kids that are boys vs. the granddaughters as she did with my brother and I, so I tend to shield my kids from her sometimes so my DD does not feel the same way I did growing up. Our realtionship is strained at best.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 15:35:36 GMT
Thank you everyone for sharing. Hugs to those who struggle with this relationship, it really isn't always an easy one.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Mar 7, 2015 15:37:25 GMT
My mom is my hero. She is my rock, my best friend, and someone who I know I can always count on. My love for her knows no end. I am very blessed indeed.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,516
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Mar 7, 2015 16:00:34 GMT
My mom passed away unexpectedly last spring at the age of 69. I'm really glad that we had an easy relationship. We got along well. She loved my husband and was great to my kids. My mom always seemed younger than she was and it bothers me that she never got to be an old lady. However, I would not have wanted to see my mom in a situation where she was not able to care for herself. This end of life phase with our parents is hard, no matter how it plays out. It sounds like you are a true blessing to your mom and that you are doing all of this because of your love for her.
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Mar 7, 2015 16:16:16 GMT
My mom was and is my greatest fan and, with few exceptions, we are very close. We speak almost daily and are very supportive of each other. She is the sole caretaker for her mother, my granny, and I do my very best to help her any way I can.
The only thing that has ever caused a true rift between us was her ingrained belief that it was ok to sacrifice me for the good of my younger brother. She was the eldest in her family and she was taught that it was her job to take care of her siblings - no exceptions. If they needed, and she had, she was to give them what they needed, no matter what or who she shorted to do so. I was a very healthy, outgoing child and my brother was sickly and very clingy, and Mom always made sure he had what he wanted or needed, regardless of what my situation was. This was rough growing up, but became intolerable when we became adults. There was a time that I moved away from home and very little to do with her after she made it obvious that she would continue the tradition with her grandchildren.
Eventually, my brother and I sat down and reached an understanding. From then, we no longer allowed our parents to dictate our relationship; we aren't friends, exactly, but we love and respect each other. When he was in a bad motorcycle accident several years ago, I immediately went to his bedside and took care of him - from holding his urinal to paying his bills - no hesitation. Not because my mom asked or expected me to, but because I chose to do so. When I had a series of problems with various vehicles, my brother sent me one of his vehicles to use until I no longer needed it and he took over dealing with my problem car. This give and take seems to have given Mom some peace, some reassurance that we had each others backs, and she's been very quiet about it ever since.
There's a funny story we tell in our family, one that sounds much worse than it was when judged by today's events, but I think it really illustrates how much I knew my mom loved me.
When I was in 2nd grade, I had a problem with a girl in my class. One morning on the way to school, while on the bus, the girl walked past where I was seated, swung, and busted my nose. There was, of course, a busload of witnesses and there was no question that I had neither instigated nor retaliated in any way. The bus driver was the girl's uncle and her mother worked in the school cafeteria, so the school principal decided that the fair thing to do was to punish both of us by making us sit in front of the office during recess. (Remember the "it takes 2 to fight" theory) He refused to let me go call home, so I had to spend the day in a blouse covered in blood as well as spend an hour sitting next to someone who had caused me to bleed (probably the first time I had ever been struck in my life!)
When I got home and my mom found out what had happened, she hit the roof. Within minutes she was on the phone with the school superintendent who was apologizing profusely. The next morning, Mom put on her ass kicking heels, her "I-mean-business" black dress, and her string of pearls. I also saw her put Daddy's shotgun in the trunk of the car. Man, I was sweating bullets - Momma was going to shoot the principal if he didn't tell me he was sorry! The principal did apologize, explained that he had been more concerned with a bus and lunchroom strike than a fight between two little girls, and he agreed to suspend my punishment. I was so relieved that Momma wasn't going to have to shoot him, I really didn't care what he said. That night, I was so impressed that Mom had been so on my side that she had been willing to risk JAIL to make him apologize to me. Wow!
After we had been telling this story for years, Mom confessed that the shotgun had had a broken trigger and was completely inoperable, and she had put it in the trunk so she could drop it off at the repair shop after her meeting. It wasn't until well after the event, when she heard someone remark about her taking a gun to the school to make sure the principal apologized to me, that she realized I had seen the gun and had come to the, to a 2nd grader, obvious conclusion that she was taking the gun to school.
Marcy
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 16:19:41 GMT
On a good day it's great. I love my Mom. We do fun stuff together and I love spending time with her.
On a bad day it's pretty awful. She doesn't know who I am, why my Dad has to go out, why he is taking so long, etc. She wants him home 24/7. The reason this is relevant is because she tells me and gets mad at me for my Dad going out.
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Post by leannec on Mar 7, 2015 16:25:22 GMT
My mum is only 68 and acts like she is 80 She lives on her own but has a lot of health issues so whenever I see her or talk to her on the phone that is the centre of the conversation ... it's draining I'm an only child so we are close but I definitely feel like the adult in the relationship sometimes ...
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Post by annabella on Mar 7, 2015 20:28:54 GMT
We talk every other day so I'd say it's a good relationship.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Mar 7, 2015 22:34:57 GMT
One of my best friends; I can't imagine life without her. We talk every day, several times a day!
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Post by anniefb on Mar 7, 2015 23:22:46 GMT
My Mum passed away 3 years ago, but I definitely know what you mean by role reversal as we lived together for several years before her death. Mum was an amazing woman and I feel really blessed to have had her as a mother and to have had a great relationship with her.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 23:24:44 GMT
None. She's a negative force in my life that I decided didn't need to be. This is my answer, too. Exactly this.
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Post by mirabelleswalker on Mar 7, 2015 23:25:25 GMT
I am closer to my mom than to anyone else on earth. Even closer than to my husband. I am so lucky.
(Don't ask me about my dad, though.)
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Post by stargazer on Mar 8, 2015 0:02:32 GMT
I can relate Lainey (((hugs))),
My mum (83) & dad (87) have lived with us for the last 5 years. Since they moved in my mum has had a major hospitalisation, they've had a broken hip each & mum's had a stroke. Each of these incidents has meant that I am now doing more for them, although currently not full-time caring but I have been the one cleaning, caring, washing etc & it will come round again. Right now I am just cooking for them, doing laundry & chasing hospital appointments. Right now I am a little concerned about mood swings & personality changes (slight, but they're there). It seems so ironic to be worrying about the octogenarians in the house more than the teenagers (we have 2 of those too!)
I can definitely understand your role reversal comments & how hard & confusing this can all be but it is the right thing for us, my mum is an awesome mum & an all round wonderful person, she adores her family & hates "bring a burden". She's long been one of my best friends, although sadly I think that this reversal had put a strain on that. I'd still do anything for her.
I take great comfort from knowing that I will have no regrets (but I know this applies to my situation only & this is not a judgement about anyone else)
Look after yourself Lainey.
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Post by PEArfect on Mar 8, 2015 0:36:48 GMT
Amazing! My mom and my late husband were my best friends.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Mar 8, 2015 0:38:43 GMT
Wonderfully CRAZY!
I lost my mom in 2009. But we were best friends. We shared major amounts of our lives together. When I was in high school my mom and I were very close. My sister that is 4 1/2 years older than me ( I disowned her years ago) was a lazy bitch and did nothing. My mom and I were always close when I was growing up but some time in high school we became more friends that mother daughter. Even though I knew she was mom and her rules were law. I never really tried to go against her rules. They were simple rules. Mostly Respect and tell the truth. I didn't have a curfew. I knew that she had to go to bed very early and I tried to be respectful and be home before she had to go to bed because I knew she would wake up when I opened the front door.
As we got older our relationship got stronger and more open. I could tell her anything and we had long heart to hearts a lot.
When I was 18 she moved to Seattle and I got married. She was so far away that we really didn't see much of each other and it was the hardest 5 years I had. then she moved back to Oregon. Which was the best thing she did.
Our thing was crafts. We loved doing them and we loved sharing them with each other. I moved to Southern Oregon in 2002 and had to promise to go visit her at least once a month. That was easy because my daughter went to her dads every other weekend. I would drop her off and go stay with my mom for the weekend. That gave us the time together that we needed and wanted. but I hated having to go home and would procrastinate every sunday morning I was there.
When she got sick and we found out she had 3 months to live I FREAKED OUT! I had a hard time with that. I knew not only was I losing my mom I was losing my best friend. The only thing that still hits hard today is there are so many times I want to pick up the phone and call her.
There was times we would call each other and spend hours on the phone or we would call each other 5 or 6 times a day. thank god for free long distance.
I really do miss my mom...
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Post by dulcemama on Mar 8, 2015 1:25:53 GMT
Me and my Mom are very different people, which sometimes makes things difficult. We love and respect each other but often don't really understand each other. I would say that we have a good but not close relationship.
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Post by newfcathy on Mar 8, 2015 2:18:43 GMT
My mom was difficult, probably was depressed most of her adult life. I got along with her better than my sisters, mostly because I didn't get married at 19, and finished college. After my dad, we got her on an anti depressant but within 9 months she had a terrible fall down the stairs. She went straight to a senior housing complex after leaving the hospital. That was 11 years ago. Once she recovered from the head injury, she moved into an apartment where she stayed for many years. She has Alzheimer's & is on the secured nursing home floor. The complex has been great, fantastic staff who rotate between the various buildings so that the clients see familiar faces. Some of the staff have worked there over 20 years. It has been tough watching her fade away, treating her like a child, buckling her in the car, cutting up her food. But she still smiles when she sees us, even though she can't remember which one we are. Once I was gently pushing her to say my son's name and she said 'that is someone I love'. A perfect answer, and unusually unselfcentered She's a tad narcissistic. These last five years that been so difficult as I can't tell her much. She gets confused when I mention family members. She couldn't keep a conversation going. I have spent a lot of time talking about my dogs. When she had a room of her own, I would bring my older dog which she loved. Dogs are very 'here & now' and she could talk about that.
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Post by shaniam on Mar 8, 2015 3:16:28 GMT
I used to feel like I had a good relationship with my mom. She and my brother came to visit at Christmas and I had a lot of feelings come up I had apparently buried. I am feeling a lot of resentment for how she has always favored and taken up for my brother as a child and adult. It's really sad though because her health is deteriorating and she is going blind and will eventually need someone to help care for her if not live with her. I had always thought I would do that but don't know if I can handle her criticism of me now. I'm sure my brother will be of no help.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Mar 8, 2015 3:18:38 GMT
OVerall, we get along. She can be... intense. May be even a tad overbearing. That can get on my nerves.
For example, the past 5 days I have been home with this nasty cold. I've lived away from her since 2001. In that time I've been sick with a cold oh, every year. And every year it's the same thing. She calls on day one to ask me as to how she can help. I politely say that I just need sleep. She calls every damn day and I finally end up snapping at her, because when I'm sick I just want to be left alone to be a big ole' whiny baby. I get under my covers, snuggle up and practically suck my thumb, whining & cursing the universe. I do NOT want an audience for it. I want to be alone to suffer in solitude.
She has a tough time respecting that I don't always want to be taken care of.
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Post by polz on Mar 8, 2015 7:41:34 GMT
Complicated and distant. My Mum moved to another country when I was 20 and we've kinda been apart (physically and emotionally) ever since. My Nan passed in July 2013 and I miss her everyday. I do not miss my alive Mother everyday. It's sad but it is what it is.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:38:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 10:41:51 GMT
I don't have one with her. I haven't spoken to her in close to 7 years. I moved out when I was fourteen, abuse by my step-father, she was the parent that would hold parties for neighborhood kids, allow drugs & I chose early on not to be a part of it. I've tried several times over the years to mend our relationship, but it never works. It was hard, but it was best to remove her away from my girls.
It's wonderful that you can help your mom, I know it can't be easy some days. Enjoy the time you have with your mom.
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