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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 8, 2015 13:32:05 GMT
Interestingly, my mother and I just talked about our relationship day before yesterday. I am visiting her this weekend in part so we could make more plans for her upcoming 90th birthday!
Our relationship was incredibly strained during my previous marriage. She had come to live with us after my father died. My ex-husband almost destroyed my relationship with my mother. It was that insidious kind of stress and blame that creeps up on you until you think it's normal. We look back now amazed that we didn't realize what was happening.
Now, we are again very close and I'm grateful to have this renewed relationship with her. She adores my husband now (he was my high school sweetheart and she is convinced we were "meant to be"). I'm also grateful that she's as healthy and independent as she is at almost 90 years of age. I hoping I got her genes!
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Post by txdancermom on Mar 8, 2015 14:43:36 GMT
Lainey, sorry you are dealing with this. My mom is gone, miss her from time to time, and this fall we lost my stepmom. Been helping my dad deal with things, and I think in the last few months my relationship with him has gotten stronger.
My mom, when she was alive, and I got along, but our relationship was helped by distance, I lived several states away and she was not right there to try and control or drag me into her drama. If I had lived close by it would have been awful.
My dd and I have a good relationship, and as she has gotten older have become at times like friends. I miss being around her, she lives in another state, but have fun when we are together. I hope she feels the same.
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Post by Merge on Mar 8, 2015 15:10:23 GMT
My mom is gone now, but our relationship had its ups and downs. We were better living several states apart because it was harder for her to be controlling and passive-aggressive, though the fact of our living so far away was the cause of plenty of guilt trips. I was very invested in trying the gain her approval, but that really stunted my efforts to be an independent adult (married, with children) because my goals and interests were often very different from what she wanted for me.
We found out after she was gone that she'd been seeing a counselor and on medication for extreme anxiety, so that helped me see some of her behavior through the lens of understanding that she had some mental illness. My choice not to follow the religion of my upbringing, in particular, was a major source of friction between us, and apparently the thought that my family and I would go to hell because we weren't properly Catholic caused her a great deal of anxiety.
I'm not glad that she's dead, of course; I would far rather she had lived long enough for her to find some peace and for us to resolve our differences. But I don't miss the stress and guilt, and if she had continued in that way of thinking, dealing with that scenario you're dealing with now (OP) would have been intolerable. I can't change who I am and she could not have stopped trying to change me. I don't think age and infirmity would have improved the situation at all.
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Post by whipea on Mar 8, 2015 15:21:40 GMT
I was very lucky to have had my mother. We were very close in the mother/daughter realm and I really enjoyed spending time with her and always respected her advise. She was absolutely brilliant, had a career and silently broke glass ceilings for women and always encouraged me to do the same. She was quiet and reserved but was truly a force and well respected for her accomplishments more than she ever knew.
She was not my best friend, never considered her that but she was the best mother. She was so proud of me and always made that clear and was there to listen and encourage. She suffered from dementia and I lost "her" about ten years ago and then she died two years ago. I have missed her a long time.
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ladipop
Junior Member
Posts: 73
Sept 18, 2014 4:09:42 GMT
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Post by ladipop on Mar 8, 2015 17:37:29 GMT
I'm starting to get where you are Lainey. Mum lives with us and has done for 20 years. She's been 'third parenting' both my boys for all that time, and I seriously don't know what we'd have done without her. We're now in the process of moving house, as our street is being cleared for building units, and at 81 it's just too much for her. I'm the one who reasons, comforts, makes the appointments, drives, cooks, records her programs and watches them with her in the evenings. It's a big change and hard for mum to adjust to, especially leaving the house she and dad built 50 years ago, BUT....she's still here, still my mum, and I adore her. She's got a wicked sharp sense of humour and makes me laugh more than anyone else, plus she's a brilliant mother to my DH and a fantastic Nanna to our sons. I feel for all you ladies who don't have a close relationship with your mum. I can't even begin to imagine a life without her.
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Post by M~ on Mar 8, 2015 22:46:16 GMT
Ummmmm............strained, non-existent, tumultuous, negative, anxiety-ridden? I don't have a relationship with her, and just the thought of her being around me stresses me out to the max.
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Post by gramasue on Mar 8, 2015 22:49:02 GMT
My mum is only 68 and acts like she is 80 She lives on her own but has a lot of health issues so whenever I see her or talk to her on the phone that is the centre of the conversation ... it's draining I'm an only child so we are close but I definitely feel like the adult in the relationship sometimes ... Leanne, I love that you said "only 68"! Thank you for that! I just turned 68 and have to admit that there are days when I feel like I'm 80, too! I have osteoarthritis and some days the pain really gets me down, but I've learned to try & not whine too much about things because everybody has their own problems and they don't really want to hear me complain! Sounds like maybe your Mom is just lonely and wants someone to talk to. Maybe try having a story about something to tell her would help ... anything, just a news item or a bit of gossip you've heard or a book you've read. My Mom lived to be 89 and she kept up on the news all the time. I remember one time [probably around 1995 or so] when she'd heard about a daycare bus that had crashed and killed a bunch of little children and she was soooo upset about it. We talked about that for days. I am thankful that she had already passed before 9-11 because that would have just devastated her. She was very compassionate about everything happening in the world and loved to have discussions about current events.
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Post by gar on Mar 8, 2015 22:54:22 GMT
It should be closer than it is. There's love, happy childhood, no falling out etc so I just can't pinpoint why I feel sort of removed from her. Almost restrained by politeness and as if we don't know each other well. It's weird and something I'm trying to sort through in my head quite a bit lately.
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