Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 21:55:34 GMT
I feel that my relationship with my Mum has been totally flipped on it's head this past year. Our roles have totally reversed, all the things she did for me when I was small I now do for her. I cook her meals, tell her to be careful because it's hot, I cut up her food. I pick out her clothes. I put her to bed, tuck her in, make sure she has a drink of water, kiss her goodnight and turn out the light. I clean up when she makes a mess.
These changes make me incredibly sad as I know the path they are leading us both on.
I know we all probably come to this point at some time in our lives.
I'm rambling a bit, apologies.
So, how would you describe your relationship with your Mum/Mom? How has it changed over the years?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 4:42:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 22:11:57 GMT
Strained. It's been slightly better since I moved 2,000 miles away.
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Post by red88 on Mar 6, 2015 22:12:44 GMT
None. She's a negative force in my life that I decided didn't need to be.
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conchita
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,141
Jul 1, 2014 11:25:58 GMT
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Post by conchita on Mar 6, 2015 22:17:35 GMT
My Mom's alcoholism is ravaging her and our family apart. I feel like the parent handling their errant teen with a tough love approach and I feel guilty as hell about it. No one else is willing to confront her or face the issue. They continue to enable her. I am the only one with children, they're her only grandchildren and I will not put them through seeing their grandmother destroy herself and everyone around her. They're off limits and as a result I am the villain for keeping her from them. So we are estranged right now.
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Mar 6, 2015 22:18:28 GMT
I love my mom. She adores my DH and kids. Even though we live 1400 miles apart we have a great relationship. Until the last year and a half. My dad let his true feelings known and now, because my relationship with him is strained, so is my relationship with my mom. It makes me sad.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846 
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Post by georgiapea on Mar 6, 2015 22:22:09 GMT
Sigh, I used to say it was "tenative at best".
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 6, 2015 22:22:36 GMT
We have a really good relationship right now. It used to be rough but it's improved over the years.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
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Post by Mystie on Mar 6, 2015 22:25:36 GMT
I'm fortunate, I've always had a good relationship with my mom. She's one of my very favorite people. It makes me sad to think someday I might have to take care of her but I would do it gladly. She's always taken care of me.
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Post by rainangel on Mar 6, 2015 22:26:42 GMT
She treats me the same way she treated me when I was 5 years old. Which is a looooong time ago. I am actually a grown woman now, I do not need you to try to micromanage my life. So yeah, it's a bit strained....
She's an awesome grandmother to my kids though! That role seems to suit her better than the mother role.
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 6, 2015 22:35:40 GMT
{{{hugs}}} @bumpsy
I'm not my mom's primary caregiver, but my mom does need full time care.
My mom has always been a sunny, optimist and I really didn't fully appreciate her until I became a parent. At worst I ignored her during the teen years and dismissed her opinion on most things, but we never had a bad relationship. I'm glad she had time to know my kids and that they have many great memories of her.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
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Post by scrapngranny on Mar 6, 2015 22:41:23 GMT
My mom has been gone for 21 years now. When she was alive our relationship was very good and loving. The only draw back was that we lived 800 miles apart. Had we lived closer it would have been even better, we could have shared our everyday lives. My mom was the sweetest person in the world.
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Post by compwalla on Mar 6, 2015 22:41:55 GMT
My mom is not quite there yet but I can see signs of it coming. My parents were staying with us last year for a bit during their epic RV trip and my mother had a stroke while she was at my house. I had to put my foot down and insist on taking her to the hospital. Like I really had to talk to her like she was a disobedient kid. It was really weird.
Mostly she's pretty good and we get along fine but sometimes...I can see she's is getting dotty about things and it's very upsetting.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Mar 6, 2015 22:42:17 GMT
Distanced. (((HUGS))) lainey. You're a blessing to your mother for sure. And you sound like you do it with grace. Despite my relationship with my mom, I would do exactly what you are doing if I was needed to. |
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 4:42:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 22:43:03 GMT
Thank you all for sharing  I often wonder how we survived my teenage years, I was horrendous! I will be eternally grateful that she has always stuck by me no matter what. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Mar 6, 2015 22:46:44 GMT
She is one of my closest friends. I text her daily and see her at least twice a week. Growing up she was definitely strict and a parent, not my friend, but since I've been married and on my own our relationship has grown into a friendship. If she wasn't my mom I would still want to be her friend.
Does she drive me nuts sometimes? Absolutely. And I'm sure I do the same to her, but we are definitely very close and very supportive of each other.
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Post by seikashaven on Mar 6, 2015 22:49:52 GMT
I would say there's lots of love... but it's difficult. We mirror each other in all the wrong ways. We make each other defensive. She reads a lot into my actions which makes me very anxious and sometimes angry.
I think we both want to have a better relationship but aren't very sure how to do that. Living far from each other doesn't help.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 4:42:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 22:56:02 GMT
I didn't read all of the replies on here yet, but I can relate to your post, OP. I'll preface this with the fact that my mom handled her 6 children with grace and wisdom for her entire life. We all were very close, and we were close to our parents, grandparents, etc. Family truly was first.
My mom fell backwards off of a deck in 2010 and wound up on her back, instantly in a coma, bleeding from her head. My sister was with her and my 3 year old nephew kept asking why she wasn't getting up. Ugh. We all rallied around my mom for weeks, and then it was 2 months before she began healing. After 3 brainbleeds and many complications, she turned a corner and made it!! I learned quickly not to ever take ONE DAY for granted. I got married (2nd time) 1 month after that. Every time I hear my mom on the phone, almost 5 years later, I'm in awe.
My mom had to deal with a lot with me--I had many medical issues and had to have 30 surgeries. So I got to spend a ton of time with my parents. She's an inspiration to me, a wonderful person, great mom and wife. My dad passed away a year ago and now my mom is living alone in a modest sized apartment. BIG CHANGES. So, yes, all of her children check on her, as she checked on us. It's the main reason I want to move back to NY to be near her (I'm in FL--too far!!).
My mom, especially, showed us all what love is about, what support is about, and what being grateful is about. We didn't have much growing up, but she made us feel like we had the world! I worry about my mom now--her memory is fuzzy sometimes (she's 80, but it's mostly due to her brain injury). If you saw her in passing, you'd think she's in her 60's--she still dresses very elegantly but cool. I adore my mom and owe her my life.
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,612
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Mar 6, 2015 23:13:39 GMT
Growing up, we were constantly on opposite sides of every issue. Constantly fighting with each other. That changed when I went to college. When I came home things changed. I don't know why but they did. She became my best friend. She passed from lung cancer in 2002 and I miss her EVERY day.  |
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Post by myshelly on Mar 6, 2015 23:19:17 GMT
Non existent.
There isn't a relationship there.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 4:42:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 23:23:50 GMT
She's my best friend. I'm so lucky to have her.
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,633
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Post by janeliz on Mar 6, 2015 23:29:44 GMT
My mother has been a widow since 1990. Her years of living alone (by her own choosing) and the aging process have made her someone who can be difficult to be around. My sister and I (we are the siblings who are most attentive to her) are learning to change our expectations of who she is and who she wants to be as a mother and grandmother. She loves us all, but she's never going to be one of those cuddly grandmas who yearns to be surrounded by her loved ones. We are there for her when she needs us, though. We can't change her, but we can work on how we react to her and deal with her.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Dealing with aging parents can be so emotionally draining and challenging. ((Hugs))
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Post by AussieMeg on Mar 6, 2015 23:30:01 GMT
Hugs to you Lainey, your mum is lucky to have you there to look after her so well.
My mum moved out of her house and back in with her own mother when she (Nanna) was not well enough to look after herself anymore. My mum, who was working 6 days a week at the time, couldn't do it on her own so my Aunty moved nearly 3000km from her home to help with Nanna's care. It was tough for both of them, especially dealing with the whole role reversal thing. It's hard seeing your mother (grandmother) change from a strong and independent woman into someone needing as much care as a young child. That was the first time I gave any thought to what my mum's and my own future held.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 4:42:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 23:42:08 GMT
I wish I had a mom I could look up to, a woman I strived to be like, someone who was an example, a mentor.
But, alas, that was not for me/us.
my mom is not a woman I could be friends with. There is a blood bond, a natural connection forged by mother nature and hormones. but certainly not by choice or desire.
I don't want to be like her, she emulates all the bad parts of my personality, and it scares me. Selfish, self involved, immature. She had a very hard life, one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I understand why she is the way she is, but unfortunately understanding it doesn't make it any easier to take. She is a bitter, angry woman, who has a lot of pain. Emotional and physical.
I am glad my father left her and tried to have a happy life without her. I am not glad it leaves us/her children with managing her care. But those mean selfish thoughts are coming from the part of her that is in me.
This relationship is very complex. I regret that since my DH became ill I don't have the emotional resources to help my siblings in caring for her. I feel bad for them that they have more of a burden. She is 82.
Annette
hanging head in shame that I cant be a better daughter, but she kills me.
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Post by deafpea on Mar 6, 2015 23:42:03 GMT
I love my mom to the moon and back! We had the usual squabbles that teenage girls have with their moms but we grew past that. I'm sure it wasn't easy for my parents to raise a deaf kid and I will be forever grateful for all the things they did that helped me become who I am today. My mom is a fun mom--she loves holidays and loves to decorate and do fun things. She loves McDonalds and any little reason was an excuse to go to McD's to celebrate. We had the best conversations sitting in the car and eating French fries. When I had my first baby, she was right there to help me out but she didn't take over and she respected the way I did things. She's given me lots of great advice over the years about lots of different things. She lives about 2 hours away from me so I see her and my dad frequently. They are both great grandparents to my children and I am so thankful they live close enough that my children can really know their grandparents. They're both in their 70s now and slowing down. I would gladly take them into my home if the need ever arose but I don't know if I can because of potential communication issues (they don't know sign language and it's possible as they age, that I could have difficulties lipreading them). If they need to live with one of my other siblings, I will do everything I can to bear my fair share of their care. If they have to move to a nursing home, I hope it's here in my city so I can visit them often and do whatever I can for them. I'm sorry for those of you who have lost your parents. That's something I dread. My family is quite long lived--so I could have 10, 15 or 20 more years with my parents but I also know that there are no guarantees. I'm also sorry for those of you who don't have good relationships with your parents. I know sometimes it's for the best but still---  |
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Post by winogirl on Mar 6, 2015 23:52:56 GMT
Tolerable. We butt heads when I was a teenager but she was a pretty good mom growing up. She's in her nineties now, but she's pretty independent except she doesn't drive so I have to grocery shop for her and take her to appointments which I don't really mind.
But I hate having to call her every day. When my dad was alive, I only spoke to her a couple times a month and holidays. But since he passed she's emotionally needy now and I have to call her every day. We have very little in common and she's always pressing my buttons. She's slacked off on politics thankfully, but she still harps about religion or I have to listen to her complain about health (hate, hate, hate listening to people's health issues) or she's telling me I should call off work because there's a half inch of snow on the ground  or generally acts like I'm still twelve years old..."you're not still out are you!? It's getting late!" It's 7pm...
So, it's not a bad relationship but it's not close either. At least not for me.
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conchita
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,141
Jul 1, 2014 11:25:58 GMT
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Post by conchita on Mar 6, 2015 23:57:32 GMT
I wish I had a mom I could look up to, a woman I strived to be like, someone who was an example, a mentor. But, alas, that was not for me/us. my mom is not a woman I could be friends with. There is a blood bond, a natural connection forged by mother nature and hormones. but certainly not by choice or desire. I don't want to be like her, she emulates all the bad parts of my personality, and it scares me. Selfish, self involved, immature. She had a very hard life, one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I understand why she is the way she is, but unfortunately understanding it doesn't make it any easier to take. She is a bitter, angry woman, who has a lot of pain. Emotional and physical. I am glad my father left her and tried to have a happy life without her. I am not glad it leaves us/her children with managing her care. But those mean selfish thoughts are coming from the part of her that is in me. This relationship is very complex. I regret that since my DH became ill I don't have the emotional resources to help my siblings in caring for her. I feel bad for them that they have more of a burden. She is 82. Annette hanging head in shame that I cant be a better daughter, but she kills me. Awww, hell, Annette. I'm so sorry. I wish I could pat you on the back and tell you it's okay, it'll get better. But we both know the reality. But I will send you a hug and commiserate with you. BIG HUGS To you and everyone else struggling with their relationships, mom, dad, sibling or otherwise. |
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Post by gramasue on Mar 6, 2015 23:58:09 GMT
I definitely know what you mean by "role reversal". We looked after my Mom in our home for 5-1/2 years before she died in April 2000. She was in hospital for some of that time, but when she was, I still stopped in every day after work and had a visit with her for about an hour or so. My DH was sooooo supportive of my decision to have her with us, and I will always love him for that. We had homecare help, and my oldest DD helped a lot, too, but it was very hard. In spite of that, I am forever grateful that I was able to take care of her in our home in her final years. She was a lovely, sweet woman and to this day, I miss her like crazy.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
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Post by Nanner on Mar 7, 2015 0:22:34 GMT
I have a great relationship with my mom. She has always been a wonderful mother. She's elderly now, and was really badly injured in a car accident about a year and a half ago, so can't do what she used to be to do, but I'm just glad she's still with us.
My mother has always gone above and beyond for her kids and grandkids. She's amazing. Now it's our turn to pay her back for what she's done for us.
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,637
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Post by valincal on Mar 7, 2015 0:43:07 GMT
I think my mom and I have a pretty great relationship. I recently moved closer to her part of the city so we're spending a little more time together. She's very fit and active and keeps very busy so I'm not in any kind of a caretaker role just yet. She's fun to be around!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 7, 2015 1:03:10 GMT
Aww, Lainey.  Been there, done that. It's hard. All you can do is love her and do your best, which it sounds like you're doing. My mom is gone now, but I loved her dearly and I gladly stepped up to do whatever I could for her in her later years when she needed it, and I have no regrets. She was an amazing woman. My mom was the kind that volunteered to chaperone school field trips, baked us homemade cookies, taught us how to keep up a house, how to sew, cook and bake. Mom had a great sense of humor and was fun to be around. While we didn't see totally eye to eye on everything, she respected my views and my life choices. I know things weren't easy for her but she always did her best and kept a positive attitude even when she was widowed at 50 and she still had kids at home. She kept calm and carried on for our sake, and I thought then (and still do) that she was the strongest person I have ever known. |
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or generally acts like I'm still twelve years old..."you're not still out are you!? It's getting late!" It's 7pm... 
Been there, done that. It's hard. All you can do is love her and do your best, which it sounds like you're doing.