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Post by Dixie Lou on Mar 7, 2015 15:18:51 GMT
My daughter has been living with her boyfriend for nearly a year and a half. They finally got engaged a couple of weeks ago. DH, both sisters and I are very happy for her. We feel that her fiance is a good guy for her and that they will be happy.
DD1 (the one who just got engaged) is very close to DD3, who goes to college out of state. She is pretty close to DD2 but she is in grad school and understandably into her school work at this point.
DD1 announced her wedding date on facebook yesterday, August 29. DD3 is very disappointed because she will be back in school by that time. DD1 has been saying "end of the summer" the whole time so DD3 told her she was worried about the date being after she went back and DD1 promised her it would be before she went back. And then she announces it on facebook without running it by us. If we were all in town I wouldn't expect we would have a say but with one sister halfway across the country and another in grad school two hours away, I would have thought she would realize that we need to be on the same page. With DD2 being in grad school she is not able to take off a day from school. She isn't on facebook so she doesn't know the date yet. She'll be in school most of the summer also so any date will be difficult for her. We'll just have to deal with that.
My question is: Am I out of line for trying to get her to set her date earlier in August? I get the feeling that she doesn't understand that her wedding day is more like a wedding "several days" because we will need to decorate, have the rehearsal dinner, and many other things. DD3 will be in her first week of college and need to fly home and will most certainly miss a lot of the wedding things. DD1 doesn't see why a plane ticket wouldn't fix the problem.
She did just text me and said that she will see if August 15 would work. I guess she means for her fiance. I feel bad on one hand but on the other I will be angry if she insists on August 29. Am I being an ass?
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on Mar 7, 2015 15:20:55 GMT
Her wedding, I'd let her choose the date that works best for her.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 7, 2015 15:30:55 GMT
Her wedding, her date, her choice. She said late summer and that's precisely what she chose.
The people who want to be there will make the sacrifice and the effort to be there. Those who have good reasons like school, may not make it, but I guarantee that she's aware of that and fine with it. And your interference is just going to cause a lot of strife, stress and emotion by demanding a different date.
I'm saying this from the perspective of a bride who had to deal with a lot of the bullshit of people interfering in the choice of a wedding date. Trust me. We get that you're pissed off that it's not YOUR preferred date. But the date chosen is generally chosen for far better reasons than that it doesn't work for everyone.
My brother gave me the best advice right after we announced: "don't bother trying to please everyone with this wedding, including the wedding date, because I guarantee you will never please everyone. Do what is best for the two of you and everything else will fall into place." And it's so true. The date works for the couple getting married, if it doesn't work for everyone else that's too bad but there's no way that it will work for everyone. As long as your daughter understands that some people may not be there, there shouldn't be an issue. And really, this is just the first drama of many that family will create for the wedding. Trust me. I thought wedding planning would be fun. It's been 50% fun and 50% pain in the ass because of so called well meaning interference ("oh you can't do (insert wedding date, location, type of ceremony) for (insert reason here)... you need to do (insert family expectation here)". Sigh. Pain in the ass. No wonder I've basically stopped talking about it and moving forward with my plans without interference, snark, sarcasm, and complaint. At this point, there are a handful of people that I really don't give a rat's ass if they don't show up at the wedding because of their shit attitudes... and these are family members. I'll be pissed off if they don't show up but I won't care because of their bullshit (and if they don't show I don't have to pay for them... win win).
Honestly? I know I'm coming from a fairly raw place, but I don't think you have the right to demand a date change. I get what you're saying but I don't think you have the right.
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Post by mystuffandnat on Mar 7, 2015 15:31:50 GMT
Since she didn't run it past you I hope she didn't just 'pick a date' without finding a ceremony location and reception venue. Planning now for this August might be cutting it really close depending on the size of area she is in.
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
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Post by Gennifer on Mar 7, 2015 15:33:14 GMT
I don't think you're being an ass, necessarily, but I do think you are asking too much. Her wedding, her date.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 7:29:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2015 15:34:18 GMT
Do not go in to this with anger, it's a surefire way to mess up the whole thing and she'll end up resenting you.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Mar 7, 2015 15:37:08 GMT
Her wedding, her date, her choice. She said late August and that's precisely what she went through with. The people who want to be there will make the sacrifice and the effort to be there. Those who have good reasons like school, may not make it, but I guarantee that she's aware of that and fine with it. And your interference is just going to cause a lot of strife, stress and emotion by demanding a different date. Honestly? I know I'm coming from a fairly raw place, but I don't think you have the right to demand a date change. I'm glad you weighed in since you are going through this right now  To me it seems like it should be what works for the bride and groom. Maybe the date chosen means something to them and will continue to mean something to them every year they celebrate it. |
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Post by gar on Mar 7, 2015 15:38:22 GMT
It seems a bit odd if she's very close/close to her sisters why she didn't make sure the dates were available for them first. Doesn't she mind if they're there or not or does she just not realise?
Of course, it's 'her day, her choice' but it just seems odd for a girl who is close to her sisters not to pick a date they can make.
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lindas
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Post by lindas on Mar 7, 2015 15:39:18 GMT
I totally understand how you feel and I don't think you're being an ass. Only you know you DS, your relationship with her and how far you can go with this without causing a rift.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 7, 2015 15:42:48 GMT
It seems a bit odd if she's very close/close to her sisters why she didn't make sure the dates were available for them first. Doesn't she mind if they're there or not or does she just not realise. Of course, it's 'her day, her choice' but it just seems odd for a girl who is close to her sisters not to pick a date they can make. But maybe there are more important issues at play... time off, venue availability, scheduling, etc. Sometimes it's not about the family, it's about what works for the couple. That's why we chose a Friday... it works for us and our weird schedules. It won't work for some people, and that's too bad, but no date will work for everyone. At the end of the day, the only people that have to be at a wedding are the bride and groom. Just because she's close to her sisters does not mean that she has to plan her wedding around their schedule. Yes, I know I sound cynical. As I said earlier, I'm coming from a raw place. |
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Post by sillyrabbit on Mar 7, 2015 15:42:51 GMT
I agree with the others who have said her wedding her choice. Your comments can only cause strife so I would let it go. Either your other daughters will make it work or they won't. Their lives aren't more important than your daughter's wedding day.
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Post by littlemama on Mar 7, 2015 15:43:10 GMT
I wouldn't say you are being an ass. I do think it was inconsiderate of her to pick a date that wouldn't work for either of her sisters, but that is between her and them, not you.
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gsquaredmom
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Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Mar 7, 2015 15:46:01 GMT
She can pick her date, but she also should be informed that it may not be possible for sister and others to come so there are no hurt feelings.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Mar 7, 2015 15:47:40 GMT
Good point about whether or not she's found a venue. I have no idea. I just texted her to see. Yesterday I suggested we go look at wedding dresses next week since it's my spring break. We can work around her work schedule. She is excited for that. I will ask her then how much she wants me involved in her planning.
I thought I may be asking too much by telling her August 29 will be difficult. It is also the first week back to school with the kids (I teach first grade) as well as the first week of a new semester for both of her sisters. The date is the only drama she will get from me. She had told her sister she would have it early enough to where she would still be in town but didn't. I think she forgot or like she said it's nothing a plane ticket won't fix. Her sister feels let down.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Mar 7, 2015 15:49:45 GMT
It seems a bit odd if she's very close/close to her sisters why she didn't make sure the dates were available for them first. Doesn't she mind if they're there or not or does she just not realise. Of course, it's 'her day, her choice' but it just seems odd for a girl who is close to her sisters not to pick a date they can make. Exactly! Knowing my DD1, she just didn't realize. That's why I pointed that out to her. |
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Post by pelirroja on Mar 7, 2015 15:50:48 GMT
Her wedding, her date. Don't make this a battle that turns into a war. She's a grownup and she made an adult decision. You can remind her of scheduling, school year timing, etc. but ultimately it's her decision. You know whether or not she thinks clearly or if she flakes: that can make a big difference in how much guidance she might need in figuring this out. Did she pick a bad date to be obstinate or is she clueless? (Not trying to be snarky).
As far as schedules and not being able to be there, there's skype and all sorts of technology available so folks can watch the wedding's live event without actually being there: it's a relatively common thing nowadays. Need help decorating? Ask for help from friends and family who are able to pitch in. Need more help than that? Hire someone. Caterers and wedding planners know lots of people they can call to make things happen quickly without you raising a finger, breaking a sweat, or wringing your hands.
Find a way to be flexible. Your daughter getting married is a wonderful and joyous event for your family. Please don't make it a hassle or make it easier for her to continue living with him without marriage. Encourage them to officially tie the knot: she wants to get married so help her make her dreams come true. Sorry, Mom, but you are going to cause a whole lot of damage if this is the reaction you're giving to her date decision. Don't make her pick between her fiance and her family. Just don't.
Those who want to be at the wedding will find a way. Somehow. Whether they are there live in person or thru an internet connection, they will be there. Her day, her say.
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ellen
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Post by ellen on Mar 7, 2015 15:51:40 GMT
I can understand her dates if it is over booking a venue. Hopefully the 15th will work out. If she does stay with the plan to go with the 29th, your daughter away at school will just have to fly home for the weekend. Your daughter who is getting married will have to be understanding of the fact her youngest sister will have to swoop in and out for the event.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Mar 7, 2015 15:51:41 GMT
Their wedding, their choice for everything. Date, time, venue, colors, dress, cake, etc.
Thirty years later, my sister still only has a few fond memories of her wedding day. She has blocked the rest and doesn't discuss it.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 7, 2015 15:53:16 GMT
Her wedding, her date. Don't make this a battle that turns into a war. She's a grownup and she made an adult decision. End of discussion. As far as schedules and not being able to be there, there's skype and all sorts of technology available so folks can watch the wedding's live event without actually being there: it's a relatively common thing nowadays. Need help decorating? Ask for help from friends and family who are able to pitch in. Need more help than that? Hire someone. Caterers and wedding planners know lots of people they can call to make things happen quickly without you raising a finger or breaking a sweat. Find a way to be flexible. Your daughter getting married is a wonderful and joyous event for your family. Please don't make it a hassle or make it easier for her to continue living with him without marriage. Encourage them to officially tie the knot: she wants to get married so help her make her dreams come true. Sorry, Mom, but you are going to cause a whole lot of damage if this is the reaction you're giving to her date decision. Don't make her pick between her fiance and her family. Just don't. Those who want to be at the wedding will find a way. Somehow. Whether they are there live in person or thru an internet connection, they will be there. Her day, her say. Exactly. I wish I could show this post to a handful of really annoying future in laws. |
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Post by gar on Mar 7, 2015 15:56:19 GMT
It seems a bit odd if she's very close/close to her sisters why she didn't make sure the dates were available for them first. Doesn't she mind if they're there or not or does she just not realise. Of course, it's 'her day, her choice' but it just seems odd for a girl who is close to her sisters not to pick a date they can make. But maybe there are more important issues at play... time off, venue availability, scheduling, etc. Sometimes it's not about the family, it's about what works for the couple. That's why we chose a Friday... it works for us and our weird schedules. It won't work for some people, and that's too bad, but no date will work for everyone. At the end of the day, the only people that have to be at a wedding are the bride and groom. Just because she's close to her sisters does not mean that she has to plan her wedding around their schedule. Yes, I know I sound cynical. As I said earlier, I'm coming from a raw place. That's true that there may well be multiple considerations and I agree - their wishes come first of course but wouldn't you talk about it first? I think if I had to have a day I knew would be difficult for my two sisters who I was close to, I would have had a conversation with them in advance. Also apparently the bride to be has already agreed to look at an alternative so it seems there is some flexibility perhaps. Honestly, we don't know half the story and it is their day, of course. It just struck me that being close yet announcing a day that will be hard/impossible for two adored sisters without telling them/talking to them first seems odd to my way of thinking at least. |
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TheOtherMeg
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Mar 7, 2015 16:00:28 GMT
A couple thoughts.
1. Has your DD1 actually scouted out places and dates for the wedding & reception? I ask because end of August is really cutting it close if she's chosen that date and hasn't checked availability.
2. If she has checked availability, the date was likely chosen precisely because that date allows her to have the locations she wants.
3. I'm close with my siblings and do think it's odd that your DD1 (apparently) didn't take her sisters' availability into consideration. I didn't plan my wedding around the schedules of all six sibs, of course, but if NONE of them could have made a particular date, I sure would have looked into another.
4. In the end, I wouldn't cause a fuss over the date even if it means the sisters won't be able to come. Surely your DD1 knows she's chosen an inconvenient date. She made her choice and is willing to live with it. (Personally, I think she'll regret it years from now if her sisters can't make it, but that's neither here nor there as it's not my wedding.)
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Post by maryland on Mar 7, 2015 16:02:16 GMT
She and her fiancé get to choose. They should pick a date convenient to them. Could your daughter fly out for the day, and if its on a Sat., could the other daughter fly out just for the day? I hope everyone is able to work with the dates, but it's really up to the couple. Her fiancé may have family members with issues too (his family availability is important too), but it's hard for the couple to work around everyone's schedules. And the couple needs to understand that just because a date works for them doesn't mean it works for everyone, so hopefully they understand if people just can't make it.
Congratulations to your daughter and her fiancé! What an exciting time for them and their families!
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 7, 2015 16:05:11 GMT
But maybe there are more important issues at play... time off, venue availability, scheduling, etc. Sometimes it's not about the family, it's about what works for the couple. That's why we chose a Friday... it works for us and our weird schedules. It won't work for some people, and that's too bad, but no date will work for everyone. At the end of the day, the only people that have to be at a wedding are the bride and groom. Just because she's close to her sisters does not mean that she has to plan her wedding around their schedule. Yes, I know I sound cynical. As I said earlier, I'm coming from a raw place. That's true that there may well be multiple considerations and I agree - their wishes come first of course but wouldn't you talk about it first? I think if I had to have a day I knew would be difficult for my two sisters who I was close to, I would have had a conversation with them in advance. Also apparently the bride to be has already agreed to look at an alternative so it seems there is some flexibility perhaps. Honestly, we don't know half the story and it is their day, of course. It just struck me that being close yet announcing a day that will be hard/impossible for two adored sisters without telling them/talking to them first seems odd to my way of thinking at least. We stopped discussing our choice of date because no one could accept our date (well on his side, my side said just pick the date and we'll be there) and just chose the date that worked best for us and our schedules (particularly after a discussion that ended in a hang up because we dared to ask what they thought of a specific date on a long weekend versus the date we had decided on and ultimately went with). Basically, it started a series of bad feelings and resentment, on both sides I think (though I really have no idea what they think of us, our wedding or any of our choices, and I really don't care anymore). I'm not proud that I no longer care but for our sanity, I have to let it go and realize that those who want to be there will be and will make the effort to do so. Don't forget there are ways to be involved even if you're not local to the planning. And even if you are local to the planning, there's no guarantee that everyone you think will get involved will actually do it. I thought people would get involved... boy was I wrong and boy did it make me wish the family situations were reversed. Again, I know I come from a very raw place right now but I lost all that "joyful wedding planning bliss" when people showed their true, demanding colours. Now I see how true my brother spoke. It's not worth the sanity to try and please everyone... even those you're close to. |
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Post by epeanymous on Mar 7, 2015 16:09:47 GMT
Running your wedding date by everyone is pretty much a recipe for disaster, in my view -- of course it is always going to be inconvenient for people. There is no such thing as a weekend that is perfect for everyone. It sounds like there is pretty much nothing she could do to organize around dd2, and while it will be annoying to dd3 to have to come back from college from the wedding, you haven't suggested that it is impossible (and early in the semester, even if she has to miss a few classes, it generally isn't as big of an issue as later in the semester).
Unless she suggests to you that she is open to changing the date or uncertain about it, I would not interfere in her choice of dates.
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Post by gar on Mar 7, 2015 16:10:11 GMT
That's true that there may well be multiple considerations and I agree - their wishes come first of course but wouldn't you talk about it first? I think if I had to have a day I knew would be difficult for my two sisters who I was close to, I would have had a conversation with them in advance. Also apparently the bride to be has already agreed to look at an alternative so it seems there is some flexibility perhaps. Honestly, we don't know half the story and it is their day, of course. It just struck me that being close yet announcing a day that will be hard/impossible for two adored sisters without telling them/talking to them first seems odd to my way of thinking at least. We stopped discussing our choice of date because no one could accept our date (well on his side, my side said just pick the date and we'll be there) and just chose the date that worked best for us and our schedules (particularly after a discussion that ended in a hang up because we dared to ask what they thought of a specific date on a long weekend versus the date we had decided on and ultimately went with). Basically, it started a series of bad feelings and resentment, on both sides I think (though I really have no idea what they think of us, our wedding or any of our choices, and I really don't care anymore). I'm not proud that I no longer care but for our sanity, I have to let it go and realize that those who want to be there will be and will make the effort to do so. Don't forget there are ways to be involved even if you're not local to the planning. And even if you are local to the planning, there's no guarantee that everyone you think will get involved will actually do it. I thought people would get involved... boy was I wrong and boy did it make me wish the family situations were reversed. Again, I know I come from a very raw place right now but I lost all that "joyful wedding planning bliss" when people showed their true, demanding colours. Now I see how true my brother spoke. It's not worth the sanity to try and please everyone... even those you're close to. I can really sympathise and understand why you feel the way you do...it's such a shame that it's taken this turn. It's true you'll never please everyone and in the end, yes, the bride and groom should definitely do what works for them. |
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Post by myboysnme on Mar 7, 2015 16:10:23 GMT
Are you paying for it? Will you be paying for plane tickets for the sisters? I think you get to weigh in, especially if 2 weeks earlier everyone would be in town. If she can't or won't change the date, oh well, but keeping quiet makes no sense when she may not have considered those factors.
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Post by Skellinton on Mar 7, 2015 16:27:05 GMT
That is frustrating but I don't think you should make a big deal out of it. If you are paying for your daughter's plane tickets to and from college your engaged daughter may have to accept that the college daughter may not be able to come due to the sheer expense. Knowing what airfare and college costs there is no way my husband and I could finance two trips within weeks of each other for one kid and still have them come home for the holidays. That may not be an issue here, but it is something I hope your engaged daughter thought about.
Your engaged daughter must be ok with her sisters not being there, but I hope her sisters are ok with that realization. I would be very upset for them, but I agree you can't make a stink about it.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Mar 7, 2015 16:31:30 GMT
Their lives aren't more important than your daughter's wedding day. It sounds like you're saying the bride is more important than her sisters. Would you still say that if the wedding date conflicted with a sister's out-of-state graduation day? If it conflicted with a sister's child's state sports tournament? I agree that the bride is free to pick the date that works for her and the husband to be, but the bride's life is not more important than anyone else's, and adopting the mindset that the bride somehow is more important will be a surefire way to have Bridezilla on your hands. |
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Post by worrywart on Mar 7, 2015 16:32:31 GMT
I agree that it is their choice but with a teacher mom and two sisters in school, I think it is very inconsiderate to schedule the wedding during the first week of classes especially if there will be travel involved.
That said, I would make an exception to my annoyance IF that date had a special significance to them.
However, I wouldn't make a big deal of it with dd...could cause hard feelings..
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loco coco
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Post by loco coco on Mar 7, 2015 16:33:32 GMT
maybe the venue is cheaper on that date or something else is in play, however I do think its weird she didn't check with people shes close with. Dont be angry though
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