freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jun 26, 2015 16:50:47 GMT
I feel your vent and frustration. I really do. However, I agree with Volt. She's a grown up, she needs to explore the world a bit. So let's say she goes to HI and jacks around and loses a semester, it's her fault not yours. It might not even be the worst thing that ever happens to her. Let out the leash mom, if you did your job, you gave her all the things she needs to handle her way in the world. You can't hold on forever. If you try, you are failing as a parent.
My almost 21 year old has jacked around on college for a couple years now. I REALLY wanted him to get a degree. I saved money for him for college when I couldn't for his brother (who is an awesome welder now btw!) I finally decided to just let it go. If he goes, then he goes. Maybe he'll finish when he's 42. I can't FORCE him to do something that's not right for him at the time. You know what happened? He started college on his own. Changed his major, did all his financial aid on his own all while working almost full time. This summer he's doing an internship for the Baptist convention in the state capitol. He's explored around the country more than I EVER did at his age. HE'S STILL LEARNING. Spreading your wings *is learning*. Frankly, I'm jealous.
So, let your daughter fly a little bit. Trying to hang on to her is really just pushing her away.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jun 26, 2015 17:18:23 GMT
From all you've said I feel she is making a smart choice.
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Post by thatmarie on Jun 26, 2015 17:30:04 GMT
I think she is an adult and making her own decisions and you still aren't ready to let her. This is why she didn't tell you right away because she knew how you would react. Do you really feel like she should plan her life around yours and the dogs? Really?
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Post by peasful1 on Jun 26, 2015 17:39:19 GMT
You don't want her to go to HI because you need her to stay at your house and look after dogs while you go on vacation? Because her living her own life is disrespecting you and you're missing out? Yeah. I can't imagine why she wants to move away and hasn't told you until now.
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Post by delilahtwo on Jun 26, 2015 19:00:01 GMT
I'll be honest. I wouldn't have talked to you about it either given your reaction here. She is an adult. She doesn't have to consult you for approval. You have a choice to either be ok with her living life on her terms (without your pre-approval) Or you can permanently have her cut you off. eta: I disagree she sounds immature. Sounds to me more like she knows mom is going to over react and go into control mode so she held the drama off for as long as she could. She is 22. Not 2 or even 12. I don't tell my mom things I know she is going to over react to until I absolutely have to. No reason to stir up a hornets nest. And that isn't immaturity. the OP doesn't like the ex and that is what it comes down to. but if she would have came to us before now and told us what she wanted to do instead of lying to us and telling us that she just wanted to go over for the summer and that she didn't know why her dad didn't get a round trip like he normally does when she goes over there then I wouldn't be upset. I am not trying to control her. I just wanted her to understand that she does have responsiblities and that she needs a return flight so that what ever happens over there she can come home. I don't have the means of flying over there to help her if she needs me to and I don't have the money to buy her a plan ticket on a days notice. It isn't like I can jump in the car and drive where ever she is to help her either. You have it all wrong about me not liking her dad. I do like him we get along. and he is not my ex. we were friends we had sex... oops we had a baby. we raised her with her having 4 parents that did everything we could for her. this isn't about any more than if she would have been honest with us I would have been good. I think she should go but I don't think she should have put us in the situation she did yesterday. that was not called for now her grandma is mad at her and at me. I didn't do anything to make people mad. I all said was she will finish school and that she will have a return ticket home no matter what date that is. and that is to protect her. not me. I don't want her to get over there and feel she is stuck if she doesn't like it or she is home sick. ok i did control the part about the dog. but if you knew this dog you would not let him go either. he has issues and he doesn't do well with people and being kenneled. the last thing he needs is to be drugged, kenneled and put in a cargo part of an airplane for 7 plus hours. It might even kill him. so yes I am controling that. but I am not controlling what she does. I want her to experience new things and to have fun I want her to spend time with her dad. They used to spend major amounts of time with eachother when he lived in Oregon. All her life he has been there for her when she wanted to spend time with him. but that doesn't make him responsible. That doesn't make him rich and that doesn't guaranty that if she goes over there on a way ticket and she is there for how much ever time and she wants to come home that he will have the money to get her a ticket home. Actually you are trying to control her. You want her to finish school, you want her to have a back up plan (ticket home), you want her to take care of your dogs. You are also trying to protect her. I don't know how you can reconcile all of this in your own mind in the next 10 days but somehow you have to let go. Let go of the control. Let go of trying to protect her. She will be fine. If she doesn't have a return ticket, what is the worst thing that will happen? She will be in Hawaii and poor, unable to come back to the mainland until she works and saves enough to be able to do so. She has to learn that on her own. If she doesn't finish school, what is the worst thing that will happen? Some money will be wasted... What does this mean for you? You do NOT have to rescue her any more! She is 22 years old! Is she doing drugs? Is she having unprotected sex with a lot of people? Is she drinking her face off? Is she making hugely bad decisions? You need to step back, let her make her own mistakes and figure things out. I think you are scared of getting the phone call in a few months or years time from her that she needs help, help that you can't financially give her. There is nothing wrong with letting her know that you will be there for her emotionally but not physically if she's in Hawaii and not financially because you still have to manage your own life. You can't prevent her from stumbling and falling. Remember that we all learn a lot from stumbling and falling, more than if we had a smooth path the entire way. Let her go. Somehow, just let it go. Be happy for her if possible. Remember she's no longer your responsibility.
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Post by MissBianca on Jun 26, 2015 19:30:02 GMT
let her go, she's 22 and can make her own decisions. 2 things about Hawaii though, 1- it is really really expensive to live there so her money is not going to get her far in terms of a social life, etc. And getting a job there as a Howlie (mainlander) will be hard. I couldn't find a job there to save my life and we lived there for a year. The wait list for a dependent to get a job on base was 18 months to 2 years. 2 - if she took her dog she needs to be be prepared that it could be quarantined for 4 months. They have very strict standards for pets, some can be fast tracked and some can't. they have loosened the laws a bit since we lived there but when we were there our dog was quarantined (and we had to pay for it) for 4 months, no ifs ands or buts.
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Post by not2peased on Jun 26, 2015 20:13:03 GMT
I'll be honest. I wouldn't have talked to you about it either given your reaction here. She is an adult. She doesn't have to consult you for approval. You have a choice to either be ok with her living life on her terms (without your pre-approval) Or you can permanently have her cut you off. eta: I disagree she sounds immature. Sounds to me more like she knows mom is going to over react and go into control mode so she held the drama off for as long as she could. She is 22. Not 2 or even 12. I don't tell my mom things I know she is going to over react to until I absolutely have to. No reason to stir up a hornets nest. And that isn't immaturity. the OP doesn't like the ex and that is what it comes down to. I agree with this
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Post by *leslie* on Jun 26, 2015 23:36:37 GMT
If anything 22 is the perfect age to try something new. She has really no commitments or responsibilities like a career, marriage or kids. I think it's a great opportunity. She's young enough to start over if things don't work out.
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Post by cherrie on Jun 27, 2015 0:49:47 GMT
I believe a lot of us at 22 thought the "grass was greener" and we lived and learned. She will be fine mom!
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Post by birukitty on Jun 27, 2015 20:14:55 GMT
but if she would have came to us before now and told us what she wanted to do instead of lying to us and telling us that she just wanted to go over for the summer and that she didn't know why her dad didn't get a round trip like he normally does when she goes over there then I wouldn't be upset. I am not trying to control her. I just wanted her to understand that she does have responsiblities and that she needs a return flight so that what ever happens over there she can come home. I don't have the means of flying over there to help her if she needs me to and I don't have the money to buy her a plan ticket on a days notice. It isn't like I can jump in the car and drive where ever she is to help her either. You have it all wrong about me not liking her dad. I do like him we get along. and he is not my ex. we were friends we had sex... oops we had a baby. we raised her with her having 4 parents that did everything we could for her. this isn't about any more than if she would have been honest with us I would have been good. I think she should go but I don't think she should have put us in the situation she did yesterday. that was not called for now her grandma is mad at her and at me. I didn't do anything to make people mad. I all said was she will finish school and that she will have a return ticket home no matter what date that is. and that is to protect her. not me. I don't want her to get over there and feel she is stuck if she doesn't like it or she is home sick. ok i did control the part about the dog. but if you knew this dog you would not let him go either. he has issues and he doesn't do well with people and being kenneled. the last thing he needs is to be drugged, kenneled and put in a cargo part of an airplane for 7 plus hours. It might even kill him. so yes I am controling that. but I am not controlling what she does. I want her to experience new things and to have fun I want her to spend time with her dad. They used to spend major amounts of time with eachother when he lived in Oregon. All her life he has been there for her when she wanted to spend time with him. but that doesn't make him responsible. That doesn't make him rich and that doesn't guaranty that if she goes over there on a way ticket and she is there for how much ever time and she wants to come home that he will have the money to get her a ticket home. Actually you are trying to control her. You want her to finish school, you want her to have a back up plan (ticket home), you want her to take care of your dogs. You are also trying to protect her. I don't know how you can reconcile all of this in your own mind in the next 10 days but somehow you have to let go. Let go of the control. Let go of trying to protect her. She will be fine. If she doesn't have a return ticket, what is the worst thing that will happen? She will be in Hawaii and poor, unable to come back to the mainland until she works and saves enough to be able to do so. She has to learn that on her own. If she doesn't finish school, what is the worst thing that will happen? Some money will be wasted... What does this mean for you? You do NOT have to rescue her any more! She is 22 years old! Is she doing drugs? Is she having unprotected sex with a lot of people? Is she drinking her face off? Is she making hugely bad decisions? You need to step back, let her make her own mistakes and figure things out. I think you are scared of getting the phone call in a few months or years time from her that she needs help, help that you can't financially give her. There is nothing wrong with letting her know that you will be there for her emotionally but not physically if she's in Hawaii and not financially because you still have to manage your own life. You can't prevent her from stumbling and falling. Remember that we all learn a lot from stumbling and falling, more than if we had a smooth path the entire way. Let her go. Somehow, just let it go. Be happy for her if possible. Remember she's no longer your responsibility. I agree with this and what Volt wrote and so many of the other PEAS. I also wanted to emphasize that you can find someone to pet sit your dogs in time for your vacation in September. I would start now and not put it off, because the earlier you start, the better. I would start looking for professional pet sitters because they will have the most experience. Ask at your vet's office if any vet tech's do this or if they know anyone who does. If you need more names call all of the vets in town. Once you have all of the pet sitter's names call them up and tell them your situation. Ask them to come by for a meeting with you (dog behind door) and to meet dog. Do this now-don't wait. Tell them you are willinfg to pay for their time and that you'll arrange to have a pet trainer come to the house to work with the sitter, the dogs and you (this would be for whatever sitter you end up choosing). Remember this will end up benifitting you and the dogs in the long run. It might only take one or two sessions with a pet trainer to get the issues worked out. You do have to participate, as does anyone else in your house who interacts with the dogs because the key to changing behavior is consistancy. I myself think it's worth it-you'll be able to leave your dogs with a petsitter and not have all of these worries and issues with them. But please remember to start early so you have the most time available yo you. Debbie in MD.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jun 27, 2015 21:54:57 GMT
No there is no way to block her it is in her name. She knows she is on her own. Trust me she knows how her dad is. I think they have been planning this for many many months. He can talk her into doing anything. We did tell her that she is not going until she has a return ticket. no matter what that date is. and if she wants she can have a ticket that is changeable as long as she has a return ticket home because if she goes over there without one then there is never a guaranty that her dad will have the money when she wants the ticket to return home. But she will finish school She has 9 more classes. this has been a long college investment for us. both time and money. and the commitment that we agreed on when we said that we would pay for her school was she graduated. We paid out of pocket for the first 2 years and then she started using her trust money to pay for the rest. Her trust was set up for her college. The thing that upsets me is the fact that she didn't talk to us about it and that she really lied to us about the one way ticket. and that she sat there and let me walk into a bitch fight between her grandma and me when she said she wanted to come home august 25, she knew that would start shit. So now I have 10 days to be ok with it because I don't want to feel like this the day she leaves. At 22 you can't force her to get a return ticket. You can't force her to finish school, for that matter. All you can do is set a boundary and say, "You made a commitment to graduate. That was the deal when we agreed to pay for the first two years. If you don't graduate, you'll be repaying those funds." I'm confused about grandma... is she supportive of your daughter going?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:17:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2015 22:22:23 GMT
Well, color me confused. She wants to come home Aug 25 and you are upset she won't be there to pet sit in September? Exactly what responsibility is she walking away from by taking a vacation in July and August? A lot of uni's don't start back until September so it sounds like she will be back in time for school.
Are you just mad she is still in a carefree stage of life where she can take off for six weeks and have some fun without you?
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 27, 2015 22:47:49 GMT
Well she wasn't being very adult by keeping it from you!
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Post by alittleintrepid on Jun 28, 2015 2:14:13 GMT
This thread confuses me.
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Post by txdancermom on Jun 28, 2015 2:22:55 GMT
Let it happen. She may find out once she gets there it is not what she thought. I have heard the cost of living there is expensive, so she may find her money doesn't go as far. If she doesn't go, she will always wonder, and may even regret it.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jun 28, 2015 2:55:30 GMT
Try Rover.com for a dog sitter. They have reviews. Most of them come to your house and have experience with all sorts of dogs. You can arrange an interview. A friend of mine uses them. Her dog is like her child. When we go away for the weekend she expects texts and pictures from the sitter. If she doesn't hear from the sitter for any length of time she will call/text her to make sure everything is okay.
As for your dd. I have to agree with everyone else. It's sink or swim time for your dd. You HAVE to let her grow up and make her own mistakes. As harsh as this may sound, someday you won't be around to pick up the slack for her. It's time to let her make her mistakes now while you are around to give her sage advise, and guide her.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jun 28, 2015 18:06:22 GMT
Thank you all for your replies and in put on this. I need to clarify the situation with the beach trip and the dogs. First of all after the phone call with daughters grandma and after my husband came home Friday night the three of us sat down and talked about it. Daughter wants to move over to Hawaii for 6 months or more. She thought she wanted to come back August 15th that was her first thought when she was going in June. Yes she changed her date to July. The move involved her as well as it did us. after all she does live her in our house. If she would have talked to us about her wanting to go to Hawaii and move there than we could have gotten a storage unit for her stuff and only but her furniture and the stuff she wanted to have here until she moves and the stuff she wants to take with her. She has so much stuff that husband and my storage unit is half full of her stuff and now I have to deal with that when she is gone. because I still have to organize the storage unit and move it closer when a unit comes available in a location closer to us (which was the plan to begin with) We took the only location that had available units in the valley at the time. But we could have gotten a larger one or 2.
As far as the beach trip she was the one who suggested we make the trip in September because she would be home to watch the dogs. As far as the dogs go. Skip (her dog) is the biggest issue we have. He is the one that can't be kenneled. We can't even put him in a kennel when we leave him home alone. He has to be put in the master bathroom. We can not let him free fun the house when no body is home because he freaks out and pisses off the neighborhood and stresses him out more. We have to give him chill pills when we leave him. Or he will freak out even in the bathroom. He will howl, bark, whine, pace, and scratch at the door trying to get out. We video taped him in the bathroom without drugs and then with drugs. he does much better on the drugs but it still takes him about 30 minutes to settle. That is as long as one or both of the other dogs are with him. if he is in the bathroom by himself it is worse and even on the drugs he doesn't settle down. As far as getting a sitter and trying them now. We have done been there done that. I have tried every professional sitting service in the valley. which we are a smaller area and we don't have the bigger sitting companies. Since we have had him I have worked with the best pet trainer in the valley. I know she is the best because we don't have that many and I have checked into them. I went to the best. I went to her because she deals with special needs and problem pets. I have talked to my vet. They even agree not to kennel and or have any body that doesn't know him well have anything to do with him. When we travel we usually take them with us. We never let people near him. He does well and is a great loving dog with us his family. Outside of the family there is only 3 people that can even come into the house without having to put him in the bathroom. 1. Husband's brother that lives in Vegas. 2. Daughters friend that lives in Washington. (moved there 1 year ago. went to high school with daughter and was at our house often. took her 2 years before Skip would let her touch him) 3. is daughters grandma. which lives 280 miles from here and is pissed off at me right now. So there is no body that is here locally that can come to our house and watch him. there is no place I can take him to be watched that has no dogs that he can just be there with no kenneling. People can not just come into our house and open the bathroom door and let him out because he would not be a safe dog to be around. I know this is making him sound like a very bad dog.. But in his home and fenced back yard with his 3 human family members and his other 2 dog family members he is a very good well behaved loving dog. It is sad that he has these issues. But he was my moms dog and he is very special to us because of that. My mom loved him with all her heart. He has these issues mostly because my mom passed away. He has a good life and I will not do anything or put him in a situation that is not healthy for him so having a dog sitter is out of the question. When we travel we normally go to hotels that allow dogs. This one trip was a gift and the hotel doesn't allow dogs and that is why we were going to have daughter watch the dogs. so we put that trip on hold and find a hotel that will allow dogs.
Daughter can go to Hawaii and move there if she desires to but I don't like the way she is doing it. I don't like the fact she didn't come to us and talk to us before 10 day from when she leaves. It isn't like she is moving down the street or across town where she or I can call each other up and say hey lets go get coffee or hey lets go get some lunch. It is cold turkey. for 6 months there is nothing. We have become very close in the past few years. and we are not only mom and daughter but we are friends and do alot together. Fun things. I just need more time. If I would have known months ago I would have been able to do more with her and I would feel so sad.
Even moms with kids that go off to college in other locations still have months to prepare for them to go.
So yes I will be happy for her. No I am not making her feel guilty about going. I am not trying to stop her from going. I just want more time.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:17:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2015 18:12:41 GMT
I understand you don't want her to go but heavens to Betsy it's for six months, it's not for all eternity! I think you should make other 'friends' cos you're putting your daughter in a position where she might feel she needs to be tied to you forever so you can do fun stuff together. She is not your friend she is your daughter and will move away in one sense or another eventually.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,184
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Jun 28, 2015 18:26:41 GMT
Given all the details you have listed re the problem dog, and the reasons why nobody's suggestions can work, I see you having three options. You can either pay for your daughter to come back for the few days you plan to be at the beach, you can cancel your trip, or you can get the dog put down.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,714
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jun 28, 2015 19:15:19 GMT
Dori~Mama~Bear, I am saying this as gently as I can. Your daughter is 22 and is wanting to live her life her way, not necessarily your way. At age 22 to be tied down to home because of a dog really doesn't right to me.
Maybe she wasn't quite sure of her plans when you moved, and it does sound like there was little time to organize and move to another home.
You are very fortunate to have the 10 days to "get used" to the idea of not having your dd around for awhile. I honestly don't think that any amount of time would get you to the place where you could adjust to not having your dd around.
Use these 10 days for your dd to move her stuff into her own storage locker. This will then reduce the stuff that you & your dh will be having to move around. Surely she can move her own stuff into another storage locker.
I cannot understand how your mom's dog became your dd's dog. I also know that I couldn't live my life around a dog that is so difficult to be around. Not to be able to have people in my home because of a dog is a foreign concept to me.
Why is the grandma angry with you?
Good luck.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:17:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2015 20:40:40 GMT
Is the stuff in storage really, truly HERS or did it belong to grandma, like the dog did, has been passed on to your daughter and she has had no real ability to say I don't want this. Your last post doesn't do anything at all to endear me to your side of things. You still come across as a very controlling person and have added the probability of a hoarding disorder. A 22 year old doesn't own enough stuff to take up half of a shared storage unit unless she has "inherited" a bunch of crap she doesn't really want but mommy thinks she will need and appreciate someday.
Find out if she REALLy wants it and haul it off to a charity if she isn't just clambering to start her own household with it. Do the dog a favor and put him down. He has lost the person he bonded to. It isn't fair to anyone to live in a house where friends can't come visit because a dog has issues as severe as Skips are. It is keeping YOU from making appropriate friends of your own. You are relying to heavily on your daughter to be your friend.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jun 28, 2015 21:38:06 GMT
I'd be sending the dog with her to HI. No way would I miss out on my vacation because her dog cannot reasonably behave.
An adult would have considered her pet before moving.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:17:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2015 21:43:22 GMT
I spent too much time in my past life worrying about what had already happened in the past and second and third guessing those decisions. It's quite the little soap opera that has nothing whatsoever to do with reality because it is all in the past. Those things cannot be changed. Deal only with what's in front of you. For instance, she's going to HI. So, what's her plan for the stuff now? If she doesn't have one, make yours. It no longer matters what other decisions "could have" been made over the storage units. Move forward with the facts in front of you.
Lather, rinse, repeat for each issue.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,080
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jun 28, 2015 22:06:20 GMT
How did she acquire so much stuff by age 22? If she has been living with you she has been using your furniture, plates, etc.
What could she possibly own that does not fit into a couple suitcases and boxes?
I was married at 22 and everything both of us owned when we moved from our parents' houses fit in the trunk of our little Honda.
And how did your mom's dog become her problem? You are the direct heir.
She should not be your closest and best friend, and honestly, it really seems like she is the grown-up in your relationship. You seem to rely on her an awful lot for being a grown woman.
You have gotten great advice about bringing someone into your home gradually and regularly so you have another (paid professional) "family member" to pet sit. You argued a situation that seems insurmountable, but I think you cannot see the reasonable alternative.
She really needs to leave, for her own functionality in life.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jun 28, 2015 22:23:26 GMT
Sounds like you either put the dog down or don't plan any vacations without the dog until it dies. It's not fair of you to put this burden on your dd. I have issues with my own mother, and you sound a lot like her, and it makes me wonder if you dd is moving to Hawaii to get away from you. I'm coming across as harsh, but if you don't nip this in the bud now you will forever strain your relationship with your dd.
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Post by mlynn on Jun 29, 2015 1:21:39 GMT
I am seeing different things in your posts than some of the others, and I think some are being too harsh and are a bit doom & gloom in their predictions.
This is a huge and sudden life change for you. Any big life change with 10 days notice - good OR bad - is overwhelming. I would definitely feel discombobulated in your shoes.
I can appreciate your daughter wanting to go to Hawaii. It must seem so exciting to her. Tropical paradise and all Add to that getting to know her father on a deeper level. Irresistible at that age. I was slightly older than she is when I went through a time of pondering closer ties with my absentee father.
I am a bit of a worrywart and I analyze Everything. My husband has come to appreciate this about me, as it has prevented a lot of problems he has seen neighbors have and it has led to some very good decisions that have paid off well for us.
We also have a dog with issues, so I can appreciate your dilemma there. Is there any chance that daughters grandma and you can put aside your differences so that you can leave the dog with her during your trip?
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Post by christine58 on Jul 7, 2015 16:48:34 GMT
Has she left for Hawaii yet??Hoping you figured out something with your dogs.
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basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,622
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:09 GMT
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Post by basketdiva on Jul 7, 2015 16:57:08 GMT
You say it's her dog- then it's her responsibilty to find appropriate care for. It is not right for her to go off to somewhere for 6 months without asking if you are willing to care for her dog.
I'm a pet lover but no way is a dog going to control my life, especially one that technically belongs to someone else.
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
Jun 26, 2014 18:26:03 GMT
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 7, 2015 17:01:53 GMT
Family life is messy. At 22 she has every right to make her own decisions, both good and bad. Your relationship with your daughter in the long run is what matters more than issues of the day (dogs, trips, storage) Send her on her way with love
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Post by STBC on Jul 7, 2015 17:02:42 GMT
Thank you all for your replies and in put on this. I need to clarify the situation with the beach trip and the dogs. First of all after the phone call with daughters grandma and after my husband came home Friday night the three of us sat down and talked about it. Daughter wants to move over to Hawaii for 6 months or more. She thought she wanted to come back August 15th that was her first thought when she was going in June. Yes she changed her date to July. The move involved her as well as it did us. after all she does live her in our house. If she would have talked to us about her wanting to go to Hawaii and move there than we could have gotten a storage unit for her stuff and only but her furniture and the stuff she wanted to have here until she moves and the stuff she wants to take with her. She has so much stuff that husband and my storage unit is half full of her stuff and now I have to deal with that when she is gone. because I still have to organize the storage unit and move it closer when a unit comes available in a location closer to us (which was the plan to begin with) We took the only location that had available units in the valley at the time. But we could have gotten a larger one or 2. As far as the beach trip she was the one who suggested we make the trip in September because she would be home to watch the dogs. As far as the dogs go. Skip (her dog) is the biggest issue we have. He is the one that can't be kenneled. We can't even put him in a kennel when we leave him home alone. He has to be put in the master bathroom. We can not let him free fun the house when no body is home because he freaks out and pisses off the neighborhood and stresses him out more. We have to give him chill pills when we leave him. Or he will freak out even in the bathroom. He will howl, bark, whine, pace, and scratch at the door trying to get out. We video taped him in the bathroom without drugs and then with drugs. he does much better on the drugs but it still takes him about 30 minutes to settle. That is as long as one or both of the other dogs are with him. if he is in the bathroom by himself it is worse and even on the drugs he doesn't settle down. As far as getting a sitter and trying them now. We have done been there done that. I have tried every professional sitting service in the valley. which we are a smaller area and we don't have the bigger sitting companies. Since we have had him I have worked with the best pet trainer in the valley. I know she is the best because we don't have that many and I have checked into them. I went to the best. I went to her because she deals with special needs and problem pets. I have talked to my vet. They even agree not to kennel and or have any body that doesn't know him well have anything to do with him. When we travel we usually take them with us. We never let people near him. He does well and is a great loving dog with us his family. Outside of the family there is only 3 people that can even come into the house without having to put him in the bathroom. 1. Husband's brother that lives in Vegas. 2. Daughters friend that lives in Washington. (moved there 1 year ago. went to high school with daughter and was at our house often. took her 2 years before Skip would let her touch him) 3. is daughters grandma. which lives 280 miles from here and is pissed off at me right now. So there is no body that is here locally that can come to our house and watch him. there is no place I can take him to be watched that has no dogs that he can just be there with no kenneling. People can not just come into our house and open the bathroom door and let him out because he would not be a safe dog to be around. I know this is making him sound like a very bad dog.. But in his home and fenced back yard with his 3 human family members and his other 2 dog family members he is a very good well behaved loving dog. It is sad that he has these issues. But he was my moms dog and he is very special to us because of that. My mom loved him with all her heart. He has these issues mostly because my mom passed away. He has a good life and I will not do anything or put him in a situation that is not healthy for him so having a dog sitter is out of the question. When we travel we normally go to hotels that allow dogs. This one trip was a gift and the hotel doesn't allow dogs and that is why we were going to have daughter watch the dogs. so we put that trip on hold and find a hotel that will allow dogs. Daughter can go to Hawaii and move there if she desires to but I don't like the way she is doing it. I don't like the fact she didn't come to us and talk to us before 10 day from when she leaves. It isn't like she is moving down the street or across town where she or I can call each other up and say hey lets go get coffee or hey lets go get some lunch. It is cold turkey. for 6 months there is nothing. We have become very close in the past few years. and we are not only mom and daughter but we are friends and do alot together. Fun things. I just need more time. If I would have known months ago I would have been able to do more with her and I would feel so sad. Even moms with kids that go off to college in other locations still have months to prepare for them to go. So yes I will be happy for her. No I am not making her feel guilty about going. I am not trying to stop her from going. I just want more time. Why do you keep a dog who is not safe to be around others and then take that dog to a public place like a hotel? If he slips his collar, or the gate to your yard accidentally gets left open, you could have a "actual" bad situation on your hands. (ETA: I travel frequently with my dogs and I would not be happy if me and my pup encountered you and your pup in a hotel lobby or elevator! What if a kid ran up out of nowhere to greet your dog???)
Based on your reaction, if I were your daughter, I would be hesitant to talk to you about my plans. When I was that age (actually younger) I moved away and started my own life. While doing so, I finished college, and got married and now have a career I enjoy. My mother was supportive of me all along the way.
(edited)
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