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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jun 26, 2015 13:17:22 GMT
My daughter has been planning a trip to visit her dad. We knew that she wanted to go over there and spend the summer with him but then we had to move and my surgery screwed her up with the dates she was going to go. originally she wanted to go June 6th the day after she was done with work for the simmer but she had to change the date to July 8th. When she told us that her dad bought her an one way ticket we asked her why? she said because she didn't know. yesterday she told me that she decided she wanted to come home on August 15th so that she could start her training for returning to work this fall. We found out that the reason she had a one way ticket was because she wants to move over there and get a job. She says her classes this fall is on line and that she can do them from any where as long as she has the internet and her computer. well. after grandma got pissed and started screaming at me because I told them that she was to stay here to finish school and that she was going to graduate.
Yes I know that she is 22 and an adult and can make her own choices. but I also think that I am losing out on something. and she is Disrespecting me and my husband but throwing this at us at the last minute. I have been trying to make plans for months now to go to the beach. We have paid hotel but can't use them until September. Can't take the dogs because the hotel is not dog friendly can't kennel the dogs because of the health issue of 2 of them and so I get screwed. I know nobody that the dogs know that can take care of them but daughter. She had told us that she would take care of them when we went on our trip. and now the truth comes out that she wants to move over there for at least 6 months or more. Do her fall term and be there for Christmas. Which I wouldn't have any problems with any of it if she would have come to us 3 months ago when she decided to move over there with no return options. Her dad is not the most responsible person in the world. and when they are together she turns into a nonresponsible person. She had mentioned something about taking her dog with her ( the one that has the most issues with kenneling and mental issues) I flat out said he was not going. No ifs ands our buts about it. She was not going to put him in a kennel and fly him anywhere. He is staying here with me where I know he is safe and his needs are met.
I want her to be happy and have fun in life and to do what she wants but I also know that if she goes over there that there is a BIG chance that she will not finish school and that she will not be responsible and she will spend all her money in her trust account (that is for school) because when she is with her dad and he says lets do this she will pull out her card and spend the money. He doesn't have money. I can't control that I can't even tell her to leave the card and checks for that account here.
I have been up all night trying to get past this bad feeling in my heart and gut. but there is nothing I can do. I have a 10 days to deal with this. and be fine with it. But how can I be. It's not like she will be down the street where I can go help her if she gets in a situation where she needs help. Her dad isn't the best to help.
Sorry I am venting, but I really needed to get this out. I have said all I can say to her, husband and her grandma. my hands are tied and I just have to let it happen.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 26, 2015 13:22:10 GMT
You are right, you have to let it happen. She is 22. Is there any way to block her access to her trust account?
I'll lay odds she'll be back. Life with her dad will not meet her expectations.
Let her go, but remind her she's on her own.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jun 26, 2015 13:35:17 GMT
No there is no way to block her it is in her name.
She knows she is on her own. Trust me she knows how her dad is. I think they have been planning this for many many months. He can talk her into doing anything. We did tell her that she is not going until she has a return ticket. no matter what that date is. and if she wants she can have a ticket that is changeable as long as she has a return ticket home because if she goes over there without one then there is never a guaranty that her dad will have the money when she wants the ticket to return home.
But she will finish school She has 9 more classes. this has been a long college investment for us. both time and money. and the commitment that we agreed on when we said that we would pay for her school was she graduated. We paid out of pocket for the first 2 years and then she started using her trust money to pay for the rest. Her trust was set up for her college.
The thing that upsets me is the fact that she didn't talk to us about it and that she really lied to us about the one way ticket. and that she sat there and let me walk into a bitch fight between her grandma and me when she said she wanted to come home august 25, she knew that would start shit.
So now I have 10 days to be ok with it because I don't want to feel like this the day she leaves.
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Post by eversograceful1 on Jun 26, 2015 13:39:12 GMT
I wish I had some wise words but I don't. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 26, 2015 14:03:14 GMT
Let her figure this out all on her own. She sounds pretty immature and maybe has to fall on her face. I would also stop paying for anything you currently are for her--phone etc.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2015 14:06:07 GMT
I'll be honest. I wouldn't have talked to you about it either given your reaction here. She is an adult. She doesn't have to consult you for approval. You have a choice to either be ok with her living life on her terms (without your pre-approval) Or you can permanently have her cut you off.
eta: I disagree she sounds immature. Sounds to me more like she knows mom is going to over react and go into control mode so she held the drama off for as long as she could. She is 22. Not 2 or even 12. I don't tell my mom things I know she is going to over react to until I absolutely have to. No reason to stir up a hornets nest. And that isn't immaturity. the OP doesn't like the ex and that is what it comes down to.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jun 26, 2015 14:14:11 GMT
I'll be honest. I wouldn't have talked to you about it either given your reaction here. She is an adult. She doesn't have to consult you for approval. You have a choice to either be ok with her living life on her terms (without your pre-approval) Or you can permanently have her cut you off. eta: I disagree she sounds immature. Sounds to me more like she knows mom is going to over react and go into control mode so she held the drama off for as long as she could. She is 22. Not 2 or even 12. I don't tell my mom things I know she is going to over react to until I absolutely have to. No reason to stir up a hornets nest. And that isn't immaturity. the OP doesn't like the ex and that is what it comes down to. I have to agree with this. Absolutely. |
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Post by christine58 on Jun 26, 2015 14:15:08 GMT
Let me clarify the immaturity comment. I say that because she should have been honest enough to be open about her plans. You don't let someone count your help with the dogs and then pull the rug out. As the OP said--she would have had no issue if she had discussed this three months ago.
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Post by alittleintrepid on Jun 26, 2015 14:17:36 GMT
She's 22 and wants to spend a semester in Hawaii? Sounds like a pretty fab plan if you ask me. Hopefully she won't spend the money earmarked for school but you can (nicely) make it clear that it won't be replaced if she does.
I don't think it is fair that you expect your adult daughter to stay put so that she can dog sit while you go on a beach vacation. Hire a dog sitting service.
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Post by alittleintrepid on Jun 26, 2015 14:24:29 GMT
Let me clarify the immaturity comment. I say that because she should have been honest enough to be open about her plans. You don't let someone count your help with the dogs and then pull the rug out. As the OP said--she would have had no issue if she had discussed this three months ago. I think there is more to the story. The OP was clear that DD wanted to go in early June but stayed because of her own surgery. It looks to me that the DD was waiting for a good moment because the OP had a lot going on (move, surgery) and I think it was pretty mature to postpone her summer break in order to help her mother out. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2015 14:29:46 GMT
Let me clarify the immaturity comment. I say that because she should have been honest enough to be open about her plans. You don't let someone count your help with the dogs and then pull the rug out. As the OP said--she would have had no issue if she had discussed this three months ago. The daughter delayed her summer plans in order to help her mother after surgery. Mom still has 2-3 months to find alternate pet sitter. If the OP honestly would have been ok with it 3 months ago she shouldn't have a single problem being ok with it today. But the fact she is NOT ok with it today and probably won't be ok with it 10 days from now is a good sign she wouldn't have been ok with it 3 months ago when her surgery was pending. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2015 14:36:36 GMT
Let me clarify the immaturity comment. I say that because she should have been honest enough to be open about her plans. You don't let someone count your help with the dogs and then pull the rug out. As the OP said--she would have had no issue if she had discussed this three months ago. The daughter delayed her summer plans in order to help her mother after surgery. Mom still has 2-3 months to find alternate pet sitter. If the OP honestly would have been ok with it 3 months ago she shouldn't have a single problem being ok with it today. But the fact she is NOT ok with it today and probably won't be ok with it 10 days from now is a good sign she wouldn't have been ok with it 3 months ago when her surgery was pending. I took it as the dogs are a challenge to have someone pet sit, which is why she asked/wanted her dd to do it. Since dd agreed, OP went ahead and made her plans and maybe reservations based on dd's commitment. |
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jun 26, 2015 14:37:55 GMT
I'll be honest. I wouldn't have talked to you about it either given your reaction here. She is an adult. She doesn't have to consult you for approval. You have a choice to either be ok with her living life on her terms (without your pre-approval) Or you can permanently have her cut you off. eta: I disagree she sounds immature. Sounds to me more like she knows mom is going to over react and go into control mode so she held the drama off for as long as she could. She is 22. Not 2 or even 12. I don't tell my mom things I know she is going to over react to until I absolutely have to. No reason to stir up a hornets nest. And that isn't immaturity. the OP doesn't like the ex and that is what it comes down to. but if she would have came to us before now and told us what she wanted to do instead of lying to us and telling us that she just wanted to go over for the summer and that she didn't know why her dad didn't get a round trip like he normally does when she goes over there then I wouldn't be upset. I am not trying to control her. I just wanted her to understand that she does have responsiblities and that she needs a return flight so that what ever happens over there she can come home. I don't have the means of flying over there to help her if she needs me to and I don't have the money to buy her a plan ticket on a days notice. It isn't like I can jump in the car and drive where ever she is to help her either. You have it all wrong about me not liking her dad. I do like him we get along. and he is not my ex. we were friends we had sex... oops we had a baby. we raised her with her having 4 parents that did everything we could for her. this isn't about any more than if she would have been honest with us I would have been good. I think she should go but I don't think she should have put us in the situation she did yesterday. that was not called for now her grandma is mad at her and at me. I didn't do anything to make people mad. I all said was she will finish school and that she will have a return ticket home no matter what date that is. and that is to protect her. not me. I don't want her to get over there and feel she is stuck if she doesn't like it or she is home sick. ok i did control the part about the dog. but if you knew this dog you would not let him go either. he has issues and he doesn't do well with people and being kenneled. the last thing he needs is to be drugged, kenneled and put in a cargo part of an airplane for 7 plus hours. It might even kill him. so yes I am controling that. but I am not controlling what she does. I want her to experience new things and to have fun I want her to spend time with her dad. They used to spend major amounts of time with eachother when he lived in Oregon. All her life he has been there for her when she wanted to spend time with him. but that doesn't make him responsible. That doesn't make him rich and that doesn't guaranty that if she goes over there on a way ticket and she is there for how much ever time and she wants to come home that he will have the money to get her a ticket home. |
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basketdiva
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Post by basketdiva on Jun 26, 2015 14:38:37 GMT
Let me clarify the immaturity comment. I say that because she should have been honest enough to be open about her plans. You don't let someone count your help with the dogs and then pull the rug out. As the OP said--she would have had no issue if she had discussed this three months ago. She may be immature or just inconsiderate of others and her responsibilities. |
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gsquaredmom
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jun 26, 2015 14:38:52 GMT
OP, There is so much I could say. It sounds rather complex.
Bottom line: she sounds like a wonderful young woman who loves you very much, but needs to spread her wings. And you love her and depend on her.
But you cannot control the actions of another person, only your reaction to their actions.
I urge caution in how you approach this. Threats and strong-arming might just backfire and make it so she does not want to come back. The University of Hawaii is very good. She may decide to transfer and stay. And that would be her choice in her life.
It's time to let the birdie fly from the nest. At least her dad is there. He must have something going for him if you loved him enough at one time to produce your daughter. Eta. You were posting more info while I was typing. He sounds better than you initially indicated.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2015 14:42:03 GMT
You need to drag out your big girl panties and let her live her life. Your dogs are not her deal. Let her go. Be supportive.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jun 26, 2015 14:44:12 GMT
She is 22 and she wants to spend time with her father, as opposed to looking after your dogs. She won't be 22 again, so don't guilt trip her with crap about disrespect and your holiday.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jun 26, 2015 15:07:48 GMT
Let me explain this part about me and the beach trip and the dogs. Husband and I were suppose to go to the beach for the 4th of July but we found out that the move was happening and that I needed surgery. We have 3 dogs. 2 of them are mine and 1 is hers. well he is part mine too. because he was my moms dog. and he has mental and stress related issues. he is a challenge. He is on daily meds and he doesn't do well with people. in fact he would rather eat a person rather than befriend a person. There is about 4 people that can come into this house with him not having to be put in the bath room. those 4 people are 1. daughters dad and it is ify with him we have to hold on to the dog for 20 to 30 minutes before we can let him free. 2. is daughters grandma which she lives 275 miles north of us and not speaking to us at the moment. 3 is husbands brother which lives in vegas. and 4 is daughters friend that moved to Washington last year. As far as hiring a dogs sitting service. when we tell them about him no body wants to chance their safety around him. He is very protective and if anybody comes in the house when we are not home then they will have one pissed off dog going after them. and We can not board him at a kennel because the vet said it would be risking his life because of he might harm himself trying to get out of the kennel. also we found out that the hotel doesn't allow us to use the free trip during peak season. so we have to wait until September to use the trip. This trip is for our anniversary that I spent in bed because I had just had surgery a few days before. If she would have came to us and talked to us prior to knowing about the trip and the surgery which she knew what she was planning with her dad. my surgery wasn't a planned surgery it was have a problem be in major pain go to ER spend the rest of the weekend in pain and go to 2 different doctors and be told I need surgery. the move wasn't planned either. Husband got phone call from owner of house he said we sold the house we are living in and want to move back into the house you are living in. and they gave us just over a month to be out. We knew about the move 3 days before I went to ER. So yes we talked to daughter and asked her if she could put off going to Hawaii until after we moved. but we were told by her a few months before that she wanted to go over there for the summer. this will be her 5th time over there since she was in the 8th grade. I have never had a problem with her going over there before. I always thought it was great that she had some one living over there that she could visit. I would have not have made plans for going to the beach and using our free trip in September if I knew she wanted to go over there for fall term and not come back until after Christmas. I don't have a problem with her being there for Christmas. I don't have a problem with her doing any of it except the way she is going about it and lying to us. and sitting there knowing about it and letting us make plans that involve her watching the dogs which she has many times. just like I take care of her dog when she travels and when she isn't home. has to work or go to school.
I am not trying to control what she does when she does it but I would not have let her make plans then tell her sorry I can' take care of your dog while you are gone because I am going to go on vacation.
yes I depend on her when she agrees and tells me to make the trip happen in September because she will be home from Hawaii by then, and then turns around and pulls this. She is an awesome person and is has been a really good person her whole life. I am not mad at what she wants to do. I am just upset because I only have 10 days with her.
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gsquaredmom
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jun 26, 2015 15:14:51 GMT
I think if you start now with a new dog sitter you will be able to go. You will need to pay them well, but if they start coming now for the dog to get used to them, you can likely take your trip.
Can your vet board him? Some do offer boarding.
You really need to cultivate more options for the dogs. This is a perfect opportunity and you have plenty of time.
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Post by cmpeter on Jun 26, 2015 15:18:39 GMT
A couple things to consider...
I agree that if she has a dog that doesn't do well with kenneling, she shouldn't attempt to take it to Hawaii. It's not just the flight time, the dog will need to be quarantined once she arrives and that can be a much longer (days/weeks) process. I don't know the exact details, but my sister opted to leave her pooch in CA with her MIL when she moved to HI because the quarantine process would have been too traumatic on him.
I don't believe you can buy open-ended return tickets anymore. I think you have to put a return date on them. I also don't think I would attempt to tell a 22 year old that they have to do XX in order to do ZZ. You can suggest that she puts away funds for a return ticket, but not require it. I know I wouldn't attempt to tell my 19 year old that he "had" to do anything. (ETA - looks like it might vary by airline, but it's more costly and it's still not something I would "require" of an adult.) |
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Judy26
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Post by Judy26 on Jun 26, 2015 15:34:14 GMT
Have your daughter use her money to purchase an open ended return ticket or have her give you the amount of said ticket to hold for her so she can purchase the ticket when needed. Start now having someone slowly working with the dog. Go on your trip and enjoy it without putting a guilt trip on your DD. You have had a lot on your plate recently and it sounds like all of the stress is causing you to create big problems that actually have fairly simple solutions. Don't let something like this change the whole relationship you have with DD.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 26, 2015 15:56:25 GMT
I think if you start now with a new dog sitter you will be able to go. You will need to pay them well, but if they start coming now for the dog to get used to them, you can likely take your trip. Can your vet board him? Some do offer boarding. You really need to cultivate more options for the dogs. This is a perfect opportunity and you have plenty of time.  I can understand being under stress from the unexpected move and surgery and feeling let down that DD's change in plans do impact your trip, but you do have time to set something up for the dogs. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Jun 26, 2015 15:57:25 GMT
As far as grandma goes, why is this her problem? Sounds like an issue between you and your dd. Grandma has no reason to be involved. Just as you must let your dd go I think grandma must learn to do the same w/you.
Your dd is 22 and she must live and learn. I hope she can be responsible w/the trust fund and that would be my biggest concern. She needs to money to finish school and start her life. Hawaii might seem like paradise, but the reality is that it's expensive and she will won't be able to frolic on the beach and be pampered in a cabana every day. At 22 living in an island paradise might sound like heaven.
As for the dogs, you have plenty of time to arrange a dog sitter. While I can see that your dd backed out of an obligation and that's not OK, you have time to find a sitter. You say no one will take your dog, but there are options.
It's hard to let go. Having just been through some stressors this could be like the straw that broke the camel's back. However, your dd might thrive. At 22 she's too old for you to come rushing to her side when she's hurting. She's a woman and if she falls it's all on her. You no longer can bandage her boo boos. She chose this move and it'll be up to her to dive or thrive. Your job is to let go. It's hard to do, but it's time to step back and let your dd live her life. If she fails she fails. She won't crumble. She'll learn.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 26, 2015 15:57:31 GMT
Let me clarify the immaturity comment. I say that because she should have been honest enough to be open about her plans. You don't let someone count your help with the dogs and then pull the rug out. As the OP said--she would have had no issue if she had discussed this three months ago. She may be immature or just inconsiderate of others and her responsibilities. good point |
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PLurker
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Post by PLurker on Jun 26, 2015 16:19:14 GMT
She is 22, still young with little life experience on her own. Let her go. Be happy for her. Cry when you miss her and she is gone, but not around her to guilt her. Maybe she put off telling you knowing it would hurt you? I could see my DD doing that. Let her spread her wings. She has to find her own way. There and probably back.
Hmmm... I may be preparing myself and advising me about own DD. Away to college in fall and then, who knows?
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moodyblue
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Post by moodyblue on Jun 26, 2015 16:21:19 GMT
Start now to find a dog sitter. You have a couple months to get someone who can handle the dog and get the dog used to that person.
I can kind of understand that you were counting on her and she won't be there to keep that commitment.
I also understand that she may not have wanted to tell you sooner because of that commitment and her being torn - she knows what she wants to do but she also knows that she's letting you down by choosing to stay in Hawaii for a time. That's a tough position for someone to be in, choosing to please herself or to please her mother.
Even though you have explained more of it in subsequent posts, I do think it's difficult when you "tell" a 22-year-old what she is going to do, or has to do. That's never going to go over well. Might be better if you could sit down and have a calm "what if" discussion and have her come up with her own solutions and plans rather than you appearing to dictate what will happen.
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akathy
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jun 26, 2015 16:22:56 GMT
I'll be honest. I wouldn't have talked to you about it either given your reaction here. She is an adult. She doesn't have to consult you for approval. You have a choice to either be ok with her living life on her terms (without your pre-approval) Or you can permanently have her cut you off. eta: I disagree she sounds immature. Sounds to me more like she knows mom is going to over react and go into control mode so she held the drama off for as long as she could. She is 22. Not 2 or even 12. I don't tell my mom things I know she is going to over react to until I absolutely have to. No reason to stir up a hornets nest. And that isn't immaturity. the OP doesn't like the ex and that is what it comes down to. I totally agree with this!! At 22 I was married and expecting my second child. Time to cut those apron strings Mom! |
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Post by penny on Jun 26, 2015 16:30:59 GMT
I'll be honest. I wouldn't have talked to you about it either given your reaction here. She is an adult. She doesn't have to consult you for approval. You have a choice to either be ok with her living life on her terms (without your pre-approval) Or you can permanently have her cut you off. eta: I disagree she sounds immature. Sounds to me more like she knows mom is going to over react and go into control mode so she held the drama off for as long as she could. She is 22. Not 2 or even 12. I don't tell my mom things I know she is going to over react to until I absolutely have to. No reason to stir up a hornets nest. And that isn't immaturity. the OP doesn't like the ex and that is what it comes down to. The first thing in your OP was that your moving and surgery changed the dates on her... So she's had to adapt too... And if you had surgery, perhaps she didn't want to bring up something that would cause a fight while you were recovering/dealing with stuff going on in your own life... What would happen if you made assumptions based around the fact that she is good, kind, smart, and cares about you - instead of assuming that her father had been talking her into this for months? She's 22... It's time for her to be making her own decisions and dealing with all the subsequent decisions and obligations that come with that... It's time for her to try out the skills she's spent 22 years learning... |
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jun 26, 2015 16:36:15 GMT
As far as grandma goes, why is this her problem? Sounds like an issue between you and your dd. Grandma has no reason to be involved. Just as you must let your dd go I think grandma must learn to do the same w/you. Your dd is 22 and she must live and learn. I hope she can be responsible w/the trust fund and that would be my biggest concern. She needs to money to finish school and start her life. Hawaii might seem like paradise, but the reality is that it's expensive and she will won't be able to frolic on the beach and be pampered in a cabana every day. At 22 living in an island paradise might sound like heaven. As for the dogs, you have plenty of time to arrange a dog sitter. While I can see that your dd backed out of an obligation and that's not OK, you have time to find a sitter. You say no one will take your dog, but there are options. It's hard to let go. Having just been through some stressors this could be like the straw that broke the camel's back. However, your dd might thrive. At 22 she's too old for you to come rushing to her side when she's hurting. She's a woman and if she falls it's all on her. You no longer can bandage her boo boos. She chose this move and it'll be up to her to dive or thrive. Your job is to let go. It's hard to do, but it's time to step back and let your dd live her life. If she fails she fails. She won't crumble. She'll learn. You read my mind. This is exactly what I was going to say. |
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jun 26, 2015 16:49:41 GMT
OP, I get it. I get why this would be frustrating because I could totally see my dd doing something like this. It would be my child's selfish nature to keep plans like this a secret despite any inconvenience it would cause others.
I applaud you for knowing that this is only vent-worthy and that you will ultimately support her in her decision. I'd be the same way. I'd fuss a little, knowing that my child was a young adult and could make decisions on her own, but also know that in some way a poor decision would impact me negatively. It is a matter of respect and maturity. If she had been upfront with her plans, you could have made alternate plans yourself.
Of course you're going to "let her go." Of course you're going to wish her the best and of course you'll get in the right frame of mind before she leaves.
I would remind her to show a bit more respect and to caution her that when you let family down, sometimes there are natural consequences. That isn't a guilt trip - it is a lesson she needs to learn before she spreads her wings so far that she forgets her support system.
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