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Post by digirlwiz on Sept 6, 2015 15:23:09 GMT
My brother in law died unexpectedly this week-- 63 years young, part of our family for 40 years- needless to say- we are devastated. Why do people feel the need to say to the widow and the children things like...when my husband died I felt...oh, it was the worst when my father died.PLEASE- just say you are sorry, he was a great man, etc..... do not tell stories that make it about YOU!!! Someone actually told my sister that he survived heart disease; but now at 80 years old was diagnosed with cancer!! WTF-- my BIL had a heart attack--good that you survived your heart attack- and sorry you have cancer- but my sister really needs support and comfort-- she should not be giving it at this time. I know- people are uncomfortable with death- but please- a simple I am sorry for you loss covers a lot! Just being there is helpful! You do not need to fill the silence. And if you are not part of the immediate family-- WHY are you in the 2nd pew when me and my siblings are in the 3 and 4th pews and not able to comfort my sister and my nieces? Because you lied and told the funeral director you are immediate family- and needed to be in a procession from the funeral home (which was private the day of the funeral!) to the church and got in line right after the limo....so you entered the church as family..... shame on you. Yes- I am pissed. yes- I am grieving- but really......I am in the 4th pew--and my sister or my neices could not even see me to get a comforting glance-never mind a hug- because 6 ignorant and self absorbed people thought they should be close to the family?? How off base am I? Is it wrong that I wanted to be near my sister to comfort her... and yes- I know you think your presence is more important- but amazingly- my sister did not--- she wanted her sisters near her and you deprived her of that. You can be damned sure I made sure we were next to her at the cemetery Sorry for the rant- but I do not understand people's behaviors
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Post by lisacharlotte on Sept 6, 2015 15:29:25 GMT
Because people don't know what to say. I've come to the conclusion, with the exception of really outrageous comments, I give a pass to people who are sincere but don't word it properly.
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 21:02:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2015 15:31:08 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss.
I think people say things like that because they want to relate to the situation, it may not be helpful or needed but it's the best they can do. I don't see that it's making things about them. It's not wrong that you're pissed at not being near your sister though, whoever denied you that should be ashamed.
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Post by airforcemomof1 on Sept 6, 2015 15:31:52 GMT
Sorry for your loss. No, you are not off base. A death sometimes does bring out the crazy and rudeness and seemingly uncaring in people. I'm sure your sister felt your love and support even if she couldn't see you.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 6, 2015 16:00:05 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss. I think people say things like that because they want to relate to the situation, it may not be helpful or needed but it's the best they can do. I don't see that it's making things about them. It's not wrong that you're pissed at not being near your sister though, whoever denied you that should be ashamed. I too am sorry for your family's loss.  I agree that it's probably their way of trying to be sympathetic and it's not said as a means to turn it back to them. It is an uncomfortable situation for a lot of people. The silence is uncomfortable (especially if someone is crying) and they really don't know what else to say. And you are right to be irritated by the non-family that budged their way into the family section at the church. Who does that? It's just so rude. |
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 21:02:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2015 16:00:54 GMT
My dad died unexpectedly at the age of 63. It is common in my religion/culture to have viewings of the body. I did get pissed off when people wanted to know the details of why that was not possible.
The best things I heard were the ones who were honest. My favorite; a lady looked my mom in the eye and she said, "Can we just say dammit!" The crazy guy who said not to worry because on 12/12/12 my dad would rise again made us laugh.
I do think it's shitty you weren't able to sit by your sister.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 6, 2015 16:08:53 GMT
People do not know how to deal with grief and sometimes say things they don't mean. Ignore those comments...forget about them. As far as the church etc goes, were these people friends or relatives?? I would have politely asked them to move so that the family could sit together. Better yet, I would have asked the funeral home director to ask them to move. That I would not have let go but I would have found a polite way to do it.
So sorry for your loss. Concentrate on the goodness your BIL brought to his family, not what happened at the funeral home/funeral. That's what will be remembered...
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Post by gmcwife1 on Sept 6, 2015 16:10:33 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Post by malibou on Sept 6, 2015 16:19:10 GMT
So very sorry for your loss. You are not off base.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Sept 6, 2015 16:28:14 GMT
I am very sorry for your loss. It is hard for some people to express grief well.
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 6, 2015 16:28:37 GMT
I would have been pissed about the family too and would have told them to move their asses
The rest? I don't judge. Many people don't know what to say and are awkward when it comes to death and funerals. Keep in mind they are not trying to cause any more grief and are doing the best they can
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,924 
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Sept 6, 2015 16:40:50 GMT
I would have been pissed about the family too and would have told them to move their asses The rest? I don't judge. Many people don't know what to say and are awkward when it comes to death and funerals. Keep in mind they are not trying to cause any more grief and are doing the best they can I also am so sorry for the sudden loss. I agree with Freecharlie on this one. Also, I think when people say things like, "when my so and so died" it can be frustrating and awkward, but sometimes........sometimes it CAN be appropriate. I think especially a widow to another widow...basically when it is an "even" loss, I think it can be comforting and relevant; however, the wake isn't probably the right time. Maybe later in a more private setting. When my son died, I didn't want people equating it with their grandma's death last month, their favorite uncle or even a parent; however, I think another person who has been through what I have been through isn't just "talking about themselves." They often could help give me hope, perspective, resources, etc... Just another perspective. |
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
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Post by Mystie on Sept 6, 2015 17:03:55 GMT
I am sorry for your loss, your family must be devastated. And I'm sorry you came into contact with thoughtless people during a very difficult time. I hope you can put it behind you.
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Post by anonrefugee on Sept 6, 2015 17:08:59 GMT
Oh my people can be so rude, and self centered. I am sorry.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Sept 6, 2015 17:14:04 GMT
My brother in law died unexpectedly this week-- 63 years young, part of our family for 40 years- needless to say- we are devastated. Why do people feel the need to say to the widow and the children things like...when my husband died I felt...oh, it was the worst when my father died.PLEASE- just say you are sorry, he was a great man, etc..... do not tell stories that make it about YOU!!! Someone actually told my sister that he survived heart disease; but now at 80 years old was diagnosed with cancer!! WTF-- my BIL had a heart attack--good that you survived your heart attack- and sorry you have cancer- but my sister really needs support and comfort-- she should not be giving it at this time. I know- people are uncomfortable with death- but please- a simple I am sorry for you loss covers a lot! Just being there is helpful! You do not need to fill the silence. And if you are not part of the immediate family-- WHY are you in the 2nd pew when me and my siblings are in the 3 and 4th pews and not able to comfort my sister and my nieces? Because you lied and told the funeral director you are immediate family- and needed to be in a procession from the funeral home (which was private the day of the funeral!) to the church and got in line right after the limo....so you entered the church as family..... shame on you. Yes- I am pissed. yes- I am grieving- but really......I am in the 4th pew--and my sister or my neices could not even see me to get a comforting glance-never mind a hug- because 6 ignorant and self absorbed people thought they should be close to the family?? How off base am I? Is it wrong that I wanted to be near my sister to comfort her... and yes- I know you think your presence is more important- but amazingly- my sister did not--- she wanted her sisters near her and you deprived her of that. You can be damned sure I made sure we were next to her at the cemetery Sorry for the rant- but I do not understand people's behaviors I am sorry for your loss. Death is hard enough but people can be asses at funerals and wakes. Part of it is not knowing what to say but the other part is some people are simply clueless when it comes to good manners. I think there are also those who just don't give a darn and think they are always the most important people in the room. At my Mother's funeral I had to sit in the back because my cousins removed the reserved signs on the family rows and seated themselves there. I could either cause a scene or let it go. I have not spoken to them since and it's been close to 15 years. Idiots. |
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,698
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Sept 6, 2015 17:16:17 GMT
As a family, we spend time alone, behind a closed door, prior to walking into the chapel or church. Then the coffin is brought in with the family behind. The first rows of pews are reserved for family. No way could anyone butt their way in, doing it this way. |
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,350
Location: Dallas Texas
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Post by SabrinaP on Sept 6, 2015 17:17:56 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. The rudeness and self centeredness of some people never ceases to amaze me.
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Post by digirlwiz on Sept 6, 2015 17:19:16 GMT
Thanks for the well wishes and for helping to put it in perspective.
I do understand that death is hard for many people to express their sorrow and sympathy. I need to remember to not be judgmental and that most people truly mean well. I do wish that I spoke up and asked to be moved in the church but I think I was in shock- with grief and that these people did not realize that the family wanted to be together.
My BIL was a wonderful and funny guy so I have lots of great memories of us all laughing together--- and as a scrapbooker- I have lots of the family memories at my fingertips-so that is very comforting.
thanks again for the helpful input!
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Post by digirlwiz on Sept 6, 2015 17:22:11 GMT
Oh my- this breaks my heart that you were in the back for your mother's funeral!
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 21:02:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2015 17:37:58 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to the stupid funeral etiquette. At my Grandmother's funeral (I have moved back from Puerto Rico to care for her while she was dying so she wouldn't have to go to hospice), I couldn't get anywhere near the front. I sat in the back because there were a lot of push people who felt the "deserved" better spots. |
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grammanisi
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,740
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Post by grammanisi on Sept 6, 2015 17:44:46 GMT
I agree. When my granddaughter had her baby 2 months ago, every mother that came to visit her told tales of their labor and delivery, because it was something they could relate to. It is the same way when someone has surgery, a car accident, etc.
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Post by Really Red on Sept 6, 2015 18:25:44 GMT
I'm sorry. For the most part I think people mean well and don't know what to say. I think it's a good reminder to all of us to just STFU when stuff like this happens.
As for the people who sat themselves in your rows? WTF? Where was the funeral director? I know it's too late to say this, but this is what they are there for. You go to them and tell them to ask the people to sit somewhere else. Our funeral people were outstanding and took care of all these details. You don't have to say a thing.
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Post by blarneygirl on Sept 6, 2015 18:41:08 GMT
I'm so sorry for your family's loss, and the fact that you were not able to comfort your sister in the way you both would have liked.
People can say and share some odd things during these times. When my husband died suddenly 6 months ago, I discovered I was comforting some of these people when they wanted to share their relatable stories.
Sending hugs and prayers your way to you and your family. Those early days are the worst. Months later, it still isn't always easy, but the blurry, dizzy days of disbelief right after it happens, are just awful.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 6, 2015 19:36:14 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. People say insensitive things, but don't realize it.
As to sitting in the family section, that is inexcusable. I would have told them to move.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Sept 6, 2015 19:45:33 GMT
People do not know how to deal with grief and sometimes say things they don't mean. Ignore those comments...forget about them. As far as the church etc goes, were these people friends or relatives?? I would have politely asked them to move so that the family could sit together. Better yet, I would have asked the funeral home director to ask them to move. That I would not have let go but I would have found a polite way to do it. So sorry for your loss. Concentrate on the goodness your BIL brought to his family, not what happened at the funeral home/funeral. That's what will be remembered... I'm so sorry for your loss  I would have talked to the funeral director too, that's his/her job. When my DH died the relatives gathered in a different room before the funeral. The first few rows of the church were reserved and just before the funeral started the funeral director lined us up to go into the church. That way everyone was where they belonged. I think every funeral I've been to does it like that. |
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Post by littlemama on Sept 6, 2015 19:46:23 GMT
People feel the need to say something, they just don't always say the right thing. Most of that can be given a free pass. The people sitting in the family row, however, I would have either asked them to move myself or I would have had the funeral director do it. Under no circumstances would I have sat there stewing about it. I would have fixed it.
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Post by annaintx on Sept 6, 2015 20:04:38 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
The funeral director/staff should have taken care of the seating arrangements.
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,619
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Post by maurchclt on Sept 6, 2015 20:21:33 GMT
I am so very sorry for your loss. You were obviously close to your brother
in law and have wonderful family memories. Yes your sister needed you, I totally get that, I will never understand people that don't understand that bond. Again my sympathies.
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,619
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Post by maurchclt on Sept 6, 2015 20:21:49 GMT
I am so very sorry for your loss. You were obviously close to your brother
in law and have wonderful family memories. Yes your sister needed you, I totally get that, I will never understand people that don't understand that bond. Again my sympathies.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,501
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Post by ellen on Sept 6, 2015 20:57:16 GMT
I feel fortunate that when my mom died unexpectedly that no one said anything stupid to me. I actually appreciated when my friends who'd lost their moms came to me, because I felt like they really did get it. I also knew if they could get through it, I could too. The ones that were hard for me were the ones who pretended that nothing happened. That still stings.
I am sorry about your bil. He was your family member for a long time and it has to be hard to see your sister go through this.
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