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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 9, 2015 1:38:34 GMT
Hi all- thanks again for the support and well wishes. As others described, the front rows were reserved for the family; just our family was at the funeral home that morning and we drove in about 10 cars to the church (sis and nieces were in the limo). These people came to the funeral home and while they did not go inside - they said they were immediate family so they were placed in the car procession before many of us. They arrived at the church a few cars ahead of us and followed the casket right in. I think the parts that bothered me the most were not being able to comfort my sister, the lie they told, and the fact that my BIL was not fond of these people-due to other situations when they were thoughtless. I do wish I told the funeral director to move them but again- I was upset about the loss of my BIL and shocked at their behavior. I In retrospect-people offering their sympathy in ways that were comfortable for them is not the worst part or something that I will even remember in a week or so. I need to remember that we all grieve differently. That said-the intrusion is something I can forgive- but certainly will not forget. No, I doubt you will ever forget it. It is part of the deep emotions of the day and not something that can be stamped "forgiven" and filed away somewhere separate. All you can do is try to put more focus on other memories of the day. Spend more time trying to remember those details so when you look back on this, those memories will still be strong. BTDT and got the t-shirt the hard way.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Sept 9, 2015 15:43:41 GMT
i'm so sorry you lost your beloved brother in law and sorry that people can be assholes
but i really believe that most people don't intend to be assholes at a funeral - they are just clueless
and remember that anger is a part of grief...it's understandable and will pass as well
it's okay to be angry...even if you are angry at small things
gina
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Post by gmcwife1 on Sept 9, 2015 16:49:20 GMT
I feel like funerals/the passing of someone in general (along with some other things) are one of those things that you (general you) can't please everyone. I've heard people upset when others say "I'm sorry for your loss" because they felt it was a "brush off". I've heard people pissed because someone will say "prayers" when the person grieving isn't religous. Same goes for religous people- I've heard some get mad over the fact other's make the "keeping you in my thoughts" comments. My friends mom made the comment "I don't need your damn thoughts I need prayers" classy woman she is...not. It's like damned if you do and damned if you don't. You hit the nail on the head. I'm glad I read this thread. I just skipped a visitation/funeral because of a complicated set of circumstances surrounding the deceased who was a guy my age. It's a long and weird story but I was feeling guilty for not going and offering his parents my sympathy. Because of the link this guy had to my family, I knew it would be uncomfortable. Now, I'm very glad I didn't go and risk offending someone no matter what I may or may not have said. In this instance a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." and pivot to scoot to a seat to sit quietly would have been just as awkward. I also got schooled in this thread about approaching the survivor to give a hug and express my sympathy. It never occurred to me that this was wrong or irritating to the widow, etc. I thought that was the point of making an appearance. As stated above, damned if you do damned if you don't. Which will make it easier in the future to just send a card and be done with it. I thought that was what you were supposed to do too But I have not been to very many funerals so I don't really know what's right, especially based on what I've read here!
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Sept 9, 2015 17:04:44 GMT
Sorry for your loss. I think when someone dies, people just don't know what to say. And it's easier for them to talk about themselves, or how they can relate. I'm sure no one means it maliciously, so try to roll with it (which is easier said than done, I'm sure!)
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Post by digirlwiz on Sept 9, 2015 23:30:03 GMT
I am soooo glad I re-found the peas-- all of your comments and well wishes are greatly appreciated. And I agree- most people mean well and we do not learn a lot about death. The 'intruders' are not relatives of my brother in law. I also think they were clueless and not trying to be malicious-it just really stung. It is interesting to hear about how others respond to death...and I like that I can throw out my feelings and even if you did not agree with all I said- you all were kind and respectful---- something I was in great need of and did not realize it!So thanks again for taking the time to read and reply!!!!
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Post by ametallichick on Sept 11, 2015 19:40:11 GMT
Sitting in the 2nd pew is just plain stupid for them to have done that. People with common sense and good moral fiber know that the first two rows are for family only!!! So sorry for your loss. At least the first two rows. Honestly I haven't been to a funeral where it wasn't the 1st 6 rows and often more and that was just family and extended family. I agree. Depending on the size of the family it should be more than 2.
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