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Post by pierkiss on Sept 6, 2015 21:01:12 GMT
I'm so sorry for your family's loss. You absolutely should have kicked those assholes out of those seats. Shame on them.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,871
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Sept 6, 2015 21:01:35 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I do think people share their stories because they don't know what else to say. They are just trying to help and most likely mean no harm. The people who lied to the funeral director crossed the line though. I would be upset too.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,516
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Sept 6, 2015 21:07:46 GMT
This is true. In bad-news situations (death, scary diagnosis, job loss...), there's a difference between comfort from someone who's been there and "comfort" from someone who's just spouting off platitudes ("He's in a better place," "Cancer is curable these days," "I'm sure you'll find another job right away." )
That said, I thank you for the heads-up that it might not be appreciated by the person grieving. I will make a note to myself to keep it short and simple in the future.
Most importantly, I'm so sorry for your loss.
ETA How weird - I wonder where the quote went???
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Mary Kay Lady
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PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
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Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Sept 6, 2015 21:48:59 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that at wakes and funerals most people don't know what to say and/or do.
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Post by digirlwiz on Sept 6, 2015 22:46:05 GMT
Hi all- thanks again for the support and well wishes. As others described, the front rows were reserved for the family; just our family was at the funeral home that morning and we drove in about 10 cars to the church (sis and nieces were in the limo). These people came to the funeral home and while they did not go inside - they said they were immediate family so they were placed in the car procession before many of us. They arrived at the church a few cars ahead of us and followed the casket right in. I think the parts that bothered me the most were not being able to comfort my sister, the lie they told, and the fact that my BIL was not fond of these people-due to other situations when they were thoughtless. I do wish I told the funeral director to move them but again- I was upset about the loss of my BIL and shocked at their behavior. I In retrospect-people offering their sympathy in ways that were comfortable for them is not the worst part or something that I will even remember in a week or so. I need to remember that we all grieve differently. That said-the intrusion is something I can forgive- but certainly will not forget.
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Post by scrapperal on Sept 6, 2015 23:14:04 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your brother-in-law sounds like he was well loved and will be terribly missed. I hope that you can find comfort in your memories and help your sister with her loss.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 6, 2015 23:33:06 GMT
ITA with forgiving those who speak improperly - they want to say something but it just comes out wrong.
The seat thing? They're assholes.
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Post by lostwithout2peas on Sept 6, 2015 23:38:27 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss. And people can be idiots at funerals and place more importance on themselves then there really is. Death brings out the craziness in people.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Sept 6, 2015 23:58:55 GMT
I understand what you are saying that in the moment you were too upset and surprised to do anything at the time. But I think the point bears repeating that funeral directors are there for just the sort of thing and handle it very well. Maybe by reading about this here, one of us will remember if it ever happens to us.
My sympathies on your family's loss.
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Post by nlwilkins on Sept 7, 2015 7:01:42 GMT
So sorry for your loss.
People can be so self centered and not consider the family's loss or needs of the situation. I will never forget but try to forgive the ordeal my sister went through at the service for her husband. She stood in a receiving line for several hours cause so many though it was so important that she had a hug and words from them. Just who is so important that a grieving widow has to deal with that many people? then she was unable to attend church there again cause they just had to speak to her again and make a commotion instead of letting her worship. She tried coming in late and people would get up out of their seats to go speak to her even though the service had already started.
I sometimes wonder if funerals, memorial services are somewhat barbaric. It is so hard on the family and can be major ordeals. then when people become so self centered and self important, it makes it worse.
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Sept 7, 2015 9:56:57 GMT
I am sorry for your loss and am sending all good thoughts to you and to your sister's family. It is good she has you for support.
That other, pushy lot? I am sorry the funeral director was not on-the-ball enough to forestall them and dare I hope your family will be seeing less of them in the future?
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Post by JoP on Sept 7, 2015 15:07:33 GMT
I'm so very sorry for your loss
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Post by polz on Sept 8, 2015 1:28:31 GMT
People are stupid. That's all I got. I just say 'I'm sorry for your loss' and leave it at that.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Sept 8, 2015 1:39:07 GMT
I feel like funerals/the passing of someone in general (along with some other things) are one of those things that you (general you) can't please everyone. I've heard people upset when others say "I'm sorry for your loss" because they felt it was a "brush off". I've heard people pissed because someone will say "prayers" when the person grieving isn't religous. Same goes for religous people- I've heard some get mad over the fact other's make the "keeping you in my thoughts" comments. My friends mom made the comment "I don't need your damn thoughts I need prayers" classy woman she is...not. It's like damned if you do and damned if you don't.
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Post by RiverIsis on Sept 8, 2015 2:27:55 GMT
Hi all- thanks again for the support and well wishes. As others described, the front rows were reserved for the family; just our family was at the funeral home that morning and we drove in about 10 cars to the church (sis and nieces were in the limo). These people came to the funeral home and while they did not go inside - they said they were immediate family so they were placed in the car procession before many of us. They arrived at the church a few cars ahead of us and followed the casket right in. I think the parts that bothered me the most were not being able to comfort my sister, the lie they told, and the fact that my BIL was not fond of these people-due to other situations when they were thoughtless. I do wish I told the funeral director to move them but again- I was upset about the loss of my BIL and shocked at their behavior. I In retrospect-people offering their sympathy in ways that were comfortable for them is not the worst part or something that I will even remember in a week or so. I need to remember that we all grieve differently. That said-the intrusion is something I can forgive- but certainly will not forget. So sorry for your loss. I'm going to share this so you know you aren't alone. My uncle (from my birth) died a few years ago from cancer. I don't know if his daughter had told her friends to be near her, but during the church service which several tried to take in soft drinks and continue smoking whilst entering a Catholic Church, they all pushed in front of his brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews and then glared at us. I hate remembering that about that day. I don't care if you have been her best friend in HS, I have known the deceased all my and my cousins all their LIVES and I love them and will still love them in 20+ years when you probably won't be on the radar. Back off! I have been to 3 funerals in the last 6 weeks, 2 great aunts (the last of their generation in our family) and 2nd cousin who was very close to our family/my father. Each time we made certain we were well behind the immediate family and grandchildren. Somehow we still ended up in front of one of the DIL's at a great aunt's funeral (her husband pre-deceased his mother), but we did our best to be in the right place. The last funeral was the 2nd cousin and we weren't in the procession and went straight to church. A young 20 something came in and out and at one point I thought she was going to push the family out of their spot but she shifted over to sit behind the pall bearers, still not as bad as the smokers and drinkers at my uncle's funeral.
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Sept 8, 2015 4:46:02 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 22:58:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2015 5:42:34 GMT
This is why we are not having funerals. We wil gone, burnt, tossed and the wills probated before the kids notify anybody.
We come from from greedy, needy , mooching families
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 22:58:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2015 5:43:43 GMT
I am sorry for your loss and hope that the pain fade quickly and memories shine brightly.
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MerryMom
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Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Sept 8, 2015 16:53:43 GMT
Because people don't know what to say. I've come to the conclusion, with the exception of really outrageous comments, I give a pass to people who are sincere but don't word it properly. I agree with the above. Was this a family friend who lied or a relative who perhaps doesn't understand what "immediate family" means. Honestly, if it was that big a deal, the funeral home should have blocked off those rows and/or specified who was to sit there?
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Sept 8, 2015 16:58:18 GMT
My brother in law died unexpectedly this week-- 63 years young, part of our family for 40 years- needless to say- we are devastated. Why do people feel the need to say to the widow and the children things like...when my husband died I felt...oh, it was the worst when my father died.PLEASE- just say you are sorry, he was a great man, etc..... do not tell stories that make it about YOU!!! Someone actually told my sister that he survived heart disease; but now at 80 years old was diagnosed with cancer!! WTF-- my BIL had a heart attack--good that you survived your heart attack- and sorry you have cancer- but my sister really needs support and comfort-- she should not be giving it at this time. I know- people are uncomfortable with death- but please- a simple I am sorry for you loss covers a lot! Just being there is helpful! You do not need to fill the silence. And if you are not part of the immediate family-- WHY are you in the 2nd pew when me and my siblings are in the 3 and 4th pews and not able to comfort my sister and my nieces? Because you lied and told the funeral director you are immediate family- and needed to be in a procession from the funeral home (which was private the day of the funeral!) to the church and got in line right after the limo....so you entered the church as family..... shame on you. Yes- I am pissed. yes- I am grieving- but really......I am in the 4th pew--and my sister or my neices could not even see me to get a comforting glance-never mind a hug- because 6 ignorant and self absorbed people thought they should be close to the family?? How off base am I? Is it wrong that I wanted to be near my sister to comfort her... and yes- I know you think your presence is more important- but amazingly- my sister did not--- she wanted her sisters near her and you deprived her of that. You can be damned sure I made sure we were next to her at the cemetery Sorry for the rant- but I do not understand people's behaviorsMy uncle died a few months ago. My cousin (an only child) asked me to come sit next to her. She was like my little sister. My aunt (a crazy nutbag) was livid I was up there and she wasn't. I was there because someone asked me to... I'm sure from the outside looking in I probably made a lot of people upset. I'm very sorry for the loss of your BIL. Don't let that kind of stuff get to you. Remember, people are just trying the best they can, and some are better at it than others.
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Rhondito
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Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Sept 8, 2015 17:32:14 GMT
I think I would have quietly said, "I'm sorry but we need to sit with my sister."
People are weird. I couldn't even stand next to my mama at my daddy's funeral because a friend of hers wouldn't move away from her. I guess I should have taken my own advice and told her to move lol.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 8, 2015 18:10:32 GMT
And if you are not part of the immediate family-- WHY are you in the 2nd pew when me and my siblings are in the 3 and 4th pews and not able to comfort my sister and my nieces? Because you lied and told the funeral director you are immediate family- and needed to be in a procession from the funeral home (which was private the day of the funeral!) to the church and got in line right after the limo....so you entered the church as family..... shame on you. Yes- I am pissed. yes- I am grieving- but really......I am in the 4th pew--and my sister or my neices could not even see me to get a comforting glance-never mind a hug- because 6 ignorant and self absorbed people thought they should be close to the family?? How off base am I? Is it wrong that I wanted to be near my sister to comfort her... and yes- I know you think your presence is more important- but amazingly- my sister did not--- she wanted her sisters near her and you deprived her of that. You can be damned sure I made sure we were next to her at the cemetery Sorry for the rant- but I do not understand people's behaviors I get that people say stupid things... its hard to know what to say, what one person finds comforting another may find offensive. BUT this behavior lying about your relationship to the deceased. WOW that is over the top. Were they close friends or related at all?
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Post by melanell on Sept 8, 2015 18:23:45 GMT
Hugs to you, OP. I am so very sorry for your loss and I am sorry that the words of others caused you additional grief as well.
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Post by Laurie on Sept 8, 2015 18:54:13 GMT
Out of curiosity were the people sitting in the 2nd pew your bil's family? Or just acquaintances thinking they were family?
As for the comments people were saying I don't think they were being rude. I think they were trying to be kind.
Sorry for your loss.
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happymomma
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Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Sept 8, 2015 21:43:22 GMT
I feel like funerals/the passing of someone in general (along with some other things) are one of those things that you (general you) can't please everyone. I've heard people upset when others say "I'm sorry for your loss" because they felt it was a "brush off". I've heard people pissed because someone will say "prayers" when the person grieving isn't religous. Same goes for religous people- I've heard some get mad over the fact other's make the "keeping you in my thoughts" comments. My friends mom made the comment "I don't need your damn thoughts I need prayers" classy woman she is...not. It's like damned if you do and damned if you don't. You hit the nail on the head. I'm glad I read this thread. I just skipped a visitation/funeral because of a complicated set of circumstances surrounding the deceased who was a guy my age. It's a long and weird story but I was feeling guilty for not going and offering his parents my sympathy. Because of the link this guy had to my family, I knew it would be uncomfortable. Now, I'm very glad I didn't go and risk offending someone no matter what I may or may not have said. In this instance a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss." and pivot to scoot to a seat to sit quietly would have been just as awkward. I also got schooled in this thread about approaching the survivor to give a hug and express my sympathy. It never occurred to me that this was wrong or irritating to the widow, etc. I thought that was the point of making an appearance. As stated above, damned if you do damned if you don't. Which will make it easier in the future to just send a card and be done with it.
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Post by scrapApea on Sept 8, 2015 21:55:35 GMT
Because people don't know what to say. I've come to the conclusion, with the exception of really outrageous comments, I give a pass to people who are sincere but don't word it properly. I agree with that. What can they say? Sometimes you don't know what to say. I pretty much say "my sympathies" and move on.
You're damned if you do damned if you don't, especially if you read this board enough to see what people are thinking.
Sometimes I think people don't want to dwell on the person so they're trying to get off subject. Guess they don't want people to just stand there and make them cry even more.
Behaviors? There is no more common courtesy anymore and it goes with your statement on turning the conversation to themselves.
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Post by ametallichick on Sept 8, 2015 22:19:14 GMT
Sitting in the 2nd pew is just plain stupid for them to have done that. People with common sense and good moral fiber know that the first two rows are for family only!!! So sorry for your loss.
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Post by laureljean on Sept 8, 2015 23:33:48 GMT
Hugs to you, OP. I am so sorry for your loss.
Funeral etiquette is difficult for many. I think that most are not taught appropriate behavior towards the bereaved.
It seems to me that we are good at teaching our children about how life begins, but we don't teach them much about how life ends. I think, as a society, we could do better.
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Post by RiverIsis on Sept 9, 2015 1:03:40 GMT
Sitting in the 2nd pew is just plain stupid for them to have done that. People with common sense and good moral fiber know that the first two rows are for family only!!! So sorry for your loss. At least the first two rows. Honestly I haven't been to a funeral where it wasn't the 1st 6 rows and often more and that was just family and extended family.
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 9, 2015 1:25:45 GMT
My brother in law died unexpectedly this week-- 63 years young, part of our family for 40 years- needless to say- we are devastated. Why do people feel the need to say to the widow and the children things like...when my husband died I felt...oh, it was the worst when my father died.PLEASE- just say you are sorry, he was a great man, etc..... do not tell stories that make it about YOU!!! Someone actually told my sister that he survived heart disease; but now at 80 years old was diagnosed with cancer!! WTF-- my BIL had a heart attack--good that you survived your heart attack- and sorry you have cancer- but my sister really needs support and comfort-- she should not be giving it at this time. I know- people are uncomfortable with death- but please- a simple I am sorry for you loss covers a lot! Just being there is helpful! You do not need to fill the silence. And if you are not part of the immediate family-- WHY are you in the 2nd pew when me and my siblings are in the 3 and 4th pews and not able to comfort my sister and my nieces? Because you lied and told the funeral director you are immediate family- and needed to be in a procession from the funeral home (which was private the day of the funeral!) to the church and got in line right after the limo....so you entered the church as family..... shame on you. Yes- I am pissed. yes- I am grieving- but really......I am in the 4th pew--and my sister or my neices could not even see me to get a comforting glance-never mind a hug- because 6 ignorant and self absorbed people thought they should be close to the family?? How off base am I? Is it wrong that I wanted to be near my sister to comfort her... and yes- I know you think your presence is more important- but amazingly- my sister did not--- she wanted her sisters near her and you deprived her of that. You can be damned sure I made sure we were next to her at the cemetery Sorry for the rant- but I do not understand people's behaviors Nothing I can say will make that pain any easier, but I do want to validate your feelings. You are right on target and they were the ones in the wrong ballpark. ETA - The intruders, not the well-wishers.
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