zella
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Post by zella on Sept 24, 2015 5:59:50 GMT
and you're upstairs. "Are you gonna put the dishwasher on?" he yells up. "Yes, I loaded it, I just haven't turned it on yet," is your response. Followed by, "Why don't you turn it on? You're right there." Dh replies, with some irritation, "No!" Followed by something you can't hear but later find out is, "you loaded it and didn't turn it on."
Okay, discuss.
**Edited to reflect what dh actually said; I asked him.
9/26
Finally able to come back and read this thread. That was fun! No, seriously. It made me chuckle, and I needed a laugh.
DH doesn't do household chores. He will, on occasion, do some dishes if things are seriously out of whack (like when I had to leave town with no notice to be there for my sister's surgery; my being sick and stuck in bed doesn't count). I have managed to have him vacuum the family room twice, maybe, in the 11 years we've lived here. He just doesn't do housework. Period. That includes loading the dishwasher or unloading it. But it doesn't include criticizing. Yes, I'm a crappy housekeeper, but in my defense I deal with depression and chronic illness and I live in a house with 2 (sometimes 3) adults who are complete and utter slobs, plus 3 (sometimes 4) dogs. And I do 90% of the work. Yes, the comment yelled upstairs was snarky and the tone was unpleasant. I suspect the only reason he noticed the dishwasher hadn't been turned on was because there were no clean glasses (of his favorite kind) so he was looking in the dishwasher.
I've posted before about dh. I think most women wouldn't put up with him. I tell him that, and he says I'm the one who's the problem. He's not all bad; very few people are. But he is a jerk way more often than I'd like. And yes, I do think he was being a jerk about the dishwasher. But we're 17 years in, and there's just enough good to balance out the crap right now. I do envy those who have true partnership marriages.
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Post by mom on Sept 24, 2015 6:03:06 GMT
I would ignore him, and just leave them there. lol He will eventually want a clean dish and when there are none to be had, I bet he will run the dishwasher. lol
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gramma
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Post by gramma on Sept 24, 2015 6:07:29 GMT
Oh no he didn't!!
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Post by cmpeter on Sept 24, 2015 6:09:07 GMT
That would so not happen or fly in our house.
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Post by scrapsotime on Sept 24, 2015 6:15:06 GMT
After many years of marriage I realized that 'that's your job' meant dh didn't know how to do said task and didn't want to own up to it.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Sept 24, 2015 6:17:36 GMT
My dad calls me from the kitchen to tell me the dishwasher needs loading. He is standing right there.
The tape is on the counter right in front of him. The cupboard is straight up and open the cupboard door. "The tape needs to be put away".
You are standing right in front of the door. Open it and put it on the shelf.
He was a rocket scientist of the accounting world in his prime...
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Post by darkangel090260 on Sept 24, 2015 6:33:13 GMT
he would not be feed after that remark.
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Post by gar on Sept 24, 2015 6:37:04 GMT
I would be down the stairs before he'd finished the sentence 'checking' that I heard him right. He would never say that though, thankfully.
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Post by mom on Sept 24, 2015 6:54:41 GMT
I would be down the stairs before he'd finished the sentence 'checking' that I heard him right. He would never say that though, thankfully. ...and if he did accidentally say that, my dh would be backtracking so quickly! |
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Post by tinydogmafia on Sept 24, 2015 7:35:29 GMT
My SO would never dream of saying that. He'd happily plop a dishwasher tab in there and turn it on for me, with no hassling by me.
However; if he had said something like that I'd be for sure boycotting turning it on myself or starting a load of laundry for him until he could see the error of his ways.
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Post by gar on Sept 24, 2015 7:52:31 GMT
Ok, so he didn't say it was your job - he commented that you'd prep'd it but hadn't turned it on. So why hadn't you turned it on? My dh would have been asking me to see if there was a reason I hadn't done it but would have done it himself without any snark hopefully!
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Post by Yoki on Sept 24, 2015 9:04:20 GMT
My DH wouldn't say anything like that. He would probably be happy for the opportunity to rearrange the dishwasher before starting it.
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Post by monklady123 on Sept 24, 2015 9:47:58 GMT
My DH wouldn't say anything like that. He would probably be happy for the opportunity to rearrange the dishwasher before starting it. Lol, this would be my dh. We don't have a dishwasher actually, but when we're at the beach with one in the beach house he loves to tinker with it to get everything in there like a puzzle. He packs the van the same way. My philosophy is sort-of "toss it all in there" but he wants it all to fit just so. Which is fine, I just leave those jobs to him.  |
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Deleted
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May 21, 2024 0:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 11:18:45 GMT
That conversation would not happen with us. He would just start the DW. Sometimes he starts it before I have finished loading it.
And the day you get grenchy at me over dishes is the day we have words.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Sept 24, 2015 11:28:42 GMT
Life just operates more smoothly on the "person who notices a needs takes responsibility for meeting the need" principle. In our household, the person who noticed the dishwasher had not been started would more than likely just simply start it.
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Post by magentapea on Sept 24, 2015 11:44:11 GMT
Why didn't you turn it on? THAT is what I find problematic about this encounter. You loaded it and, unless it wasn't a full load and you didn't want to run it, it should have been turned on right then and there. Why should he have to finish what you started?
This is a similar situation to what my DH and I go through. He will take clothes out of the dryer and put the pile on the counter, unfolded. He doesn't finish the job (folding the clothes) but expects someone else (me) to do it when I see that it needs to be done. Should I not expect him to finish the job because I can do it when I walk past? Nope, not in my world. You start a task, you finish it.
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Post by supersoda on Sept 24, 2015 11:56:10 GMT
Your DH sounds like a punk-- or a 10 year old. We often wait to start the DW because of the noise. I can't even imagine this conversation with anyone in my house.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Sept 24, 2015 11:59:14 GMT
Honestly? I'd probably say the same thing as him. You loaded it but didn't start it, so why should he? I'd be pretty peeved if someone asked me to finish their work just because I was closest to whatever they didn't finish. How was he to know that you were waiting for him to start it? I would have assumed you were waiting to start it for whatever reason (like in our house we only run it after we all go to bed because the sound is annoying and power costs less at that time) and expected you to start it whenever you were waiting to run it.
We're a pretty equal opportunity household, we don't have specific chores divided by gender. We do what needs to be done.
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Deleted
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May 21, 2024 0:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 12:06:07 GMT
Both are right, both are wrong.
You loaded it up and if it was ready to be run, why didn't YOU start it while you were "right there"? Unless there's some unspoken agreement that it gets started later in case there's a last minute cup or dish that can go in.
He's in the kitchen. He could've easily hit a button or two. I will say this - if I had spoken to my husband the same way, he probably would've ignored it too and used the same argument. However, if I asked politely "would you start the dishwasher?" he would've obliged.
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Post by anxiousmom on Sept 24, 2015 12:07:26 GMT
Two important details: my dishwasher is broken and I am not currently married so the only other people in my house are teenage boys who leave their dishes where they lay and probably don't even know where the dishwasher is.
Before the silly thing died, I routinely loaded my dishwasher and didn't turn it on. I would wait until right before I went to bed, or set the timer so it would turn itself on in the middle of the night. It wasn't very loud, but just enough that it was annoying to hear in the background while watching tv in the family area about 20 feet away.
Now, if one of the boys noticed that the dishwasher was loaded and not turned on? After I was resuscitated, I would tell them to keep their passive aggressiveness to themselves and if they really wanted an answer to ask nicely.
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Sept 24, 2015 12:10:53 GMT
There are a lot of reasons the dishwasher in my house may be loaded but not started. We load right after dinner, and we eat early, if there is still room it won't get started until a bit later. That way if there are water glasses, popcorn bowls, etc they can be thrown in. Perhaps she was waiting to see if any other dishes were dirtied. Or maybe she got sidetracked with another task. Also, our dishwasher can run kind of loud during certain cycles. So we might wait until everyone is finished using the kitchen/dining room area to start it.
Starting a dishwasher is really very simple. You put some soap in and push a button. Done. I can't see anyone acting like it is some big chore. The actual chore is unloading/loading it. If I could get away with being the button pusher as opposed the unloader/loader you would never hear a peep out of me.
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Deleted
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May 21, 2024 0:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 12:11:02 GMT
Well... I'm wondering why you didn't start it while you were there. How many seconds would it have taken you to hit the start button?
So, if you didn't start it I'd be wondering if there was a water leak or other machine related issue that needed solved before it can be run.
I wouldn't assign snark or immaturity to him just yet. I don't think his question is too far out in immaturity land.. at least no further into immaturity than you walking off without starting it right when you loaded it.
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Sept 24, 2015 12:16:21 GMT
Both are right, both are wrong. You loaded it up and if it was ready to be run, why didn't YOU start it while you were "right there"? Unless there's some unspoken agreement that it gets started later in case there's a last minute cup or dish that can go in. He's in the kitchen. He could've easily hit a button or two. I will say this - if I had spoken to my husband the same way, he probably would've ignored it too and used the same argument. However, if I asked politely "would you start the dishwasher?" he would've obliged. I think he kind of started the "snarkiness" IMO. He didn't ask, "Hey, should I turn the dishwasher on?" He basically called her out for not doing so. So what if she forgot or was waiting or whatever. He doesn't sound like he was being "helpful" by asking the way he did.
Honestly, I don't find the not starting the dishwasher odd, because there are many reasons that could have happened but I do find the whole conversation about it odd. I guess I can't answer how I would react because I don't see there being so much animosity about pushing a button in my house.
ETA: I think it is important to note that my answer is based on the "tone" I am assigning the conversation in my head. That is what makes answering these questions on line hard. You assign a tone that may not have actually been there.
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Post by stacmac on Sept 24, 2015 12:22:42 GMT
Maybe she just forgot to turn it on. Yesterday I stacked the dishwasher and I must have gotten distracted: kids talked to me or something because I walked away without turning it on. I actually thought I ran it and came back later to dirty dishes, what a pain.
It could have been something as simple as an accident. I think he was rude.
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Post by maryland on Sept 24, 2015 12:29:16 GMT
Sometimes my husband or I wait for the other to bring down their dishes,(or the girls who think all dirty dishes belong in their room) but get the dishwasher ready to go so the person bringing the dish can put it in and start the dishwasher. Sometimes one of us forgets, and the other just starts it for us. I don't know why he couldn't just push the start button if that's what was going on. We always ask each other nicely, and it's never an issue. I help him with chores he is doing and he helps me.
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Post by bigbundt on Sept 24, 2015 12:33:49 GMT
I can think of many reasons why someone wouldn't run the dishwasher right away. It drives me crazy when my husband takes it upon himself to start the dishwasher... while I am making dinner. So now the dinner dishes will either have to be hand washed or sit in the sink overnight. Or I am giving the house a once over to pick up stray glasses/dishes before starting it. Or I am planning to clean out the fridge and want to throw in all the containers. If it hasn't been started in our house, there is a reason. I'd prefer for him to at least ask instead of assuming that I just walked away without finishing the job.
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Post by anonrefugee on Sept 24, 2015 12:37:51 GMT
My DH , or I, would ask in case there was a reason it wasn't started. Maybe there's "one more glass" DS is finishing.
And then we'd load soap if not already in place, and start.
We have issues, but this isn't one of them.
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Post by peasapie on Sept 24, 2015 12:42:05 GMT
Maybe he thought you were going to put something else in?
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schizo319
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Post by schizo319 on Sept 24, 2015 12:51:54 GMT
I have a "thing" about not running the dishwasher during peak usage hours, particularly in the summer when the a/c is on. Had this scenario happened at our house, Dh would've just started the machine. I also have a "rule" that if you close the DW on clean dishes and cause the 'clean' light to go out, you should immediately unload the clean dishes (DH totally ignores this 'rule' - makes me nuts!)
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sharlag
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Sept 24, 2015 13:12:25 GMT
I agree that he could have been just checking if there was a reason that you didn't turn it on, and that tone is really important in determining the intent of this conversation.
You said he sounded irritated, which implies that he thought you had done something wrong. I can see your being peeved by that.
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