My Mom Died Last Night -- Added a Thank You

Thank you all so much.  Your words of sympathy mean so much to me even when I don't know you personally.  The one thing that struck me was not one of you told me to be strong and I was glad NOT to see those words. I've had a lot of people say that and I'm wondering why do I have to stay strong?? Not that I've gone nuts or anything, but still. I suppose people don't know what to say but boy I dislike that phrase "Be strong". And when people tell me what a wonderful daughter I've been to come out here, having to take time off from work and take care of her and do everything I did, I feel uncomfortable because I don't see it that way, I see it as I did what I had to do and there were times I got impatient with her (and that makes me feel bad) and really didn't want to do the things I had to do. Not just because I didn't like doing them but also the indignity SHE had to suffer while I did them. 

Anyway, thank you for for your kind words and the words you didn't say.

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You think you are prepared for a parent dying, especially when they have pancreatic cancer and you see them wasting away to nothing, not eating, drinking, throwing up so much dark grainy stuff, just laying in bed,  eventually sleeping all the time until they don't wake or move at all but still breathing, until you go into check on them for the millionth time to find them not breathing anymore. And that was last night with my mom.

It is so hard for me to comprehend that I am never going to see her again, get nagging texts from her about me not texting her, watching HGTV's Property Brothers together and saying if we had a house for them to do we would come up with all kinds of things for them to do so we could keep them there, flying her out to Virginia for Christmas with us every year, bringing my grandkids out here every summer to see her and go swimming and taking them to See's Candy, seeing her on Facebook.

I do know though I am glad she is out of pain and not feeling sick anymore, and is in Heaven.

But man I miss her already. Even her nagging texts.