oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,009
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jul 23, 2014 14:44:52 GMT
Steph, I have no words of wisdom, but I just wanted to post that I know you are always doing what is best for your boys, and I have always loved keeping up on your little family through the years. You are an incredible mom to them, I have no doubt they will handle things just fine, no matter how it goes. Much love to you!
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Post by workingclassdog on Jul 23, 2014 14:46:12 GMT
I agree with everyone else pretty much.. sounds like you are doing the right thing and handling it very good! Prayers are with you..
I had a 1/2 sister and while I won't go into details.. I can probably understand (now that I am a mom) how my mom had to process that information with my sister and I. Again good luck!!
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Post by pastlifepea on Jul 23, 2014 15:09:14 GMT
We found out my husband had a 5 year old daughter when my daughter was 3. It was someone my husband has casually dated before we met. She lived out of state but she had traveled to our state a couple of times. After we met, he told her he wasn't really interested in seeing her again but she e-mailed him occasionally for the next year or so, never mentioning she was pregnant or had delivered his baby. He had no way of knowing. When we moved out of state, he didn't hear from her again until 3 years later when he was served papers for a paternity suit.
We told DD (now almost 14) when she was about 9 that she had a half sister from someone her dad had dated before me. She was remarkably unphased by it and didn't really ask any questions. Unfortunately, as both ourselves and the girl's mother are military families, we move frequently and have never been in a position where they could meet. They've spoken on the phone a few times and have similar interests and personalities. I suspect when they get a little older, they will probably talk more and hopefully meet to spend some time together.
This has been a tough road for me on many levels but I've never regretted telling DD as soon as she could understand. I agree that you are doing the right and loving thing for your children. They may end up being very close with their half siblings or more like acquaintances, but you are a good mom for facilitating meeting and being truthful with them.
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Post by amandad74 on Jul 23, 2014 15:10:43 GMT
As creepy as it may be to say this, I can remember when your boys were just little guys and you were scrambling to make ends meet. Your stories of them have always impressed me. Your determination and personality have always inspired me. I know that, if I were living the life that you have, I wouldn't have done as good a job as you have. From what I can tell you have successfully managed to juggle you trials and tribulations while building wonderful relationships with your kids. And somehow, you still kept your individuality and made time for yourself. That's a magic act in itself! You seem to roll well with the punches and I think they've seen your example and probably share many of your traits. In short (too late), whatever happens, they will be fine because they have the foundation that you have given them and the example you have set. They are going to see any b.s. and handle any drama. You aren't going to lose them. And they will appreciate the train wreck that you spared them. Really. This! Haven't met you in real life but we do know the same people in real life (Atlanta peas). Can't believe your boys are that big! Good luck! Hope it goes well.
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Post by Menjiness on Jul 23, 2014 15:20:30 GMT
I hope the meeting goes well. Hugs to you for being an awesome mom!
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Post by Prenticekid on Jul 23, 2014 15:25:57 GMT
Any "jacking them up" would have happened before this. Based on your posts over the years, I believe you have raised your children with a huge amount of strength, support and openness. I would bet that you have already prepared them well for anything that life will throw them.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Jul 23, 2014 15:29:01 GMT
Wait- the twins are 16?!? My, how time flies! I think the way you're handling it is about the best possible scenario- be sure to update us!
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Post by PinkPrincess77 on Jul 23, 2014 15:36:24 GMT
Sending you a message on FB....
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,662
Jun 26, 2014 16:15:45 GMT
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Post by loco coco on Jul 23, 2014 15:37:17 GMT
sounds like you raised great kids and you are a wonderful mom, I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck and I look forward to hearing about how it goes!
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Post by Ellie on Jul 23, 2014 15:43:14 GMT
I too have read about the twins through the years and have always been impressed and inspired, to copy words others have used on this thread. I think you're handling this so, so well. Sending you lots of good vibes.
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Post by Sparki on Jul 23, 2014 15:46:03 GMT
You got this! You are awesome! I've always had a lot of respect for you as a strong woman...I really admire you.
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
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Post by peabrain on Jul 23, 2014 15:48:10 GMT
Hugs!
I think its ok even if you vomit on the sidewalk!
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katiez4kids
New Member
Posts: 9
Jun 30, 2014 15:21:03 GMT
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Post by katiez4kids on Jul 23, 2014 15:50:57 GMT
Steph, I just wanted to speak to your fear (a very real one) of opening that door to let someone else in. My DS is now 31 but when he was 9 his bio dad told him he never wanted to see him again and he was no longer part of his family. It took YEARS to repair that damage. Lots of counseling and LOTS of parenting. He went through a really rough time from about 13 through his early 20's. He is doing really well now but imagine my DREAD when his dad contacted him through Facebook and NOW they want to have a relationship. OMG. REALLY? you owe me thousands of dollars of back child support, you caused DS so much hurt, confusion and now you want to be his friend? I was beyond upset AND worried. Here I had been there for my son. Had been through illness, broken bones, bad school years, just barely scraped through high school years and now you think you can swoop in here and be a dad again? HOW DARE you. It was so hard on me to sit back and just say no problem. He has met his half siblings who are messed up as bad as he was and has visited with his dad a few times. To my relief they really dont have much of a relationship. They live 4 hours away and DS is busy working full time and going to school part time. DAD is still a schmuck and DS see's it. He did finally get somewhat of a relationship with his grandparents but that seems to have lasted a short amount of time too. He is a smart kid who knows who raised him and knows that his bio dad isnt worth much. Your kids will figure that out too. so while your fear is real, they know YOU raised them. They will always put you first. They will probably have a relationship with their sister but even that may fade. you are a good mom. so vomit away if it will help. LOL i needed it!!!
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,834
Location: NW PA
Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Jul 23, 2014 16:02:38 GMT
You are about the most even keeled, normal, involved Mama on these boards. Even if your boys do make a dumb decision or two in their lives (and they will) it will be fine because you will be there for them. And if new acquaintances hurt them in any way they will be fine because they have you. You are the rock they are building their lives on. It is a stable solid rock - no quicksand in sight. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy watching them meet new people who may grow to love and cherish them. And if that doesn't happen, they will be fine. Because they will always have you as their rock.
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Post by MissBianca on Jul 23, 2014 16:07:41 GMT
DS18's triplet best friends (also 18) just met there dad for the first time this summer, in court. He just decided that at 18 he didn't have to pay child support anymore and quit paying without doing it legally. The girl said hi, that was it. The boys said nothing. All I got out of them was he was a ginger. LOL They know he's a piece of crap that left as soon as they found out mom was pregnant and was more of a piece of crap when he found out there were 3 of them.
I tell their mom all the time that she did an amazing job without any help. They are smart, talented, well mannered, and probably the best 3 kids I have ever met in my life. Mom did that 100% on her own.
You raised your kids without him and they are amazing too. I've read a lot about them and you on the boards. You are all awesome!
They can have a friendship with their sister, if they choose. That doesn't mean they have to bring the "donor" into the picture. (He doesn't deserve the title of father or dad.) I wouldn't push to try to have that sibling relationship, it may never happen. Just let it take it's natural course.
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Post by mandolyn9909 on Jul 23, 2014 16:09:05 GMT
Steph, You are a great mom! I went through meeting my half brother at 17 (my dad had a child as a teen that he didn't know about). It was very strange and wonderful. It was about 16 years ago so now he has been my brother for almost as much time as he wasn't! We all have a good relationship with him. It isn't quite the same as the relationship I have with my brothers that I was raised with from birth but pretty close. He comes to our parents for christmas every year, He lives in another province so we don't get to see him as much as we would like. He is so much like my father it is crazy. He is now expecting a baby girl and I am so excited to be an aunt again!
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Post by kelly316 on Jul 23, 2014 16:37:48 GMT
I would be freaking out too!!! Just nosy, but has he paid child support all these years? I don't know if I could handle opening up this can of worms after all these years. Especially if there has been zero interaction with "dad"!
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,811
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jul 23, 2014 16:51:27 GMT
In short (too late), whatever happens, they will be fine because they have the foundation that you have given them and the example you have set. They are going to see any b.s. and handle any drama. You aren't going to lose them. And they will appreciate the train wreck that you spared them. Really. I will totally agree with this!
You seem like an amazing mom, I think they will be able to handle what will come after this meeting.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jul 23, 2014 20:11:31 GMT
You've done an amazing job raising (I guess it's supposed to be rearing) your boys and I'm sure the meeting will go well.
I happen to be living an hour away from my DD's real father, who she's never met. I suppose she has half siblings also.
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Post by cynipidae17 on Jul 23, 2014 20:30:03 GMT
I think you have done a brilliant job raising you boys, I hope the meeting went well and I can't wait to hear an update.
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lambchop
Junior Member
Posts: 83
Jul 7, 2014 18:50:47 GMT
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Post by lambchop on Jul 23, 2014 20:51:55 GMT
Steph, I have no words of wisdom, but I just wanted to post that I know you are always doing what is best for your boys, and I have always loved keeping up on your little family through the years. You are an incredible mom to them, I have no doubt they will handle things just fine, no matter how it goes. Much love to you! I have been a long-time lurker and have always loved seeing your posts about your boys. Good luck with the meeting!
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mochi
Full Member
Posts: 449
Jun 26, 2014 1:45:16 GMT
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Post by mochi on Jul 23, 2014 20:57:12 GMT
Hope everything goes well! You are a fantastic mom, try to keep calm!
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haf2pea
Shy Member
Posts: 28
Location: Southern California
Jun 29, 2014 3:31:30 GMT
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Post by haf2pea on Jul 23, 2014 22:16:00 GMT
Add me to the list of those who can't believe your twins are already 16! Also, you are a wonderful mother and your boys know it. I was a married adult with a son when I found out that I had an older half-brother from my dad's first short-lived marriage. I had no idea about either! It was a shock to say the least, and the first thing I thought was how could you not tell me this years ago? So for your and her kids' sakes, I'm glad y'all aren't keeping it a secret from them. There's no point in that.
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Post by johna on Jul 23, 2014 22:31:31 GMT
I also cannot believe the twins are going to be 16! Time is flying faster than I realized!
You have always had a great relationship with your boys and you always seem to do everything to ensure that they have their needs met. They trust you and I think you can rest assured that you have all made the right decision.
I hope all went well today with the meeting!
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,647
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Jul 23, 2014 22:38:00 GMT
When I was 13, I found out I had another half-sister that my mother had given up for adoption. The sister had just turned 18 and wanted to meet her siblings. It went OK. We keep in touch on Facebook. We aren't close, but I'm glad I know her. You are doing the right thing. It will be fine.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 19:15:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 22:47:30 GMT
You are an amazing mom to go the extra mile so that your boys can meet their sister. You're doing the right thing! Hugs to all of you on your big meeting!
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Post by meridon on Jul 23, 2014 22:56:01 GMT
Wow...I can understand why you're nervous! Wish I had some advice, but it sounds like you are following your sons' lead (while setting appropriate boundaries), so I think it will go fine. I agree with the half sister's mom and you that they (the kids) all deserve to know about each other and have input into what kind of relationship they want/should have with each other. My three kids (all are adopted but have the same bio mom--different bio dads though) have 11 half siblings between them that we know of and possibly more. I know the day will come where we might be in a similar situation, so please update us as to how it goes!
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Post by pb on Jul 24, 2014 0:59:05 GMT
Your are giving your boys choices and support - and you have given them the right tools to get through this.
PB
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Nicole in TX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,951
Jun 26, 2014 2:00:21 GMT
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Post by Nicole in TX on Jul 24, 2014 1:18:52 GMT
That is the Steph I know. You will be fine and your boys will be fine.
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Post by Heart on Jul 24, 2014 1:58:41 GMT
My bio dad is unknown and my mom is of the opinion that he was no good and isn't interested in giving me any information. Fine, that's life. She got married when I was about a year old and the man adopted me. They went on to have two kids (my brothers).
They never hid that he wasn't my dad, but it never came up, either. I was 7 or 8 when the information "clicked" and the ball dropped- my "brothers" were HALF brothers.
For me, it didn't matter. I was raised with them and they were just part of my life.
If I were to be introduced to any partial siblings through my bio dad now, I would take it as a chance to possibly meet a new friend. I'm sure your boys are smart enough to do the same. You'd done a wonderful job and they know you love them. that's what matters.
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