StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,666
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 24, 2014 3:38:15 GMT
We survived! They drove over an hour to get down here so we just ended up going to Chilis since it was close. Fortunately (it sounds so odd to say that!) Her mother and I went to high school together before she was with him so we knew each other semi well and despite the circumstances the moment the boys were born my focus changed to making sure that they never had a clue about what their life was supposed to be being born to a teen mom. It's been about what is best for them and holding grudges for high school decisions isn't on my radar. We had talked for a few hours before meeting up so we were on good terms. We got there and introduced them, it was (as we expected) a little awkward at first but her mom and I kind of opened it up, declared that table a safe place to ask questions, get answers, talk about whatever they wanted and we promised absolute honesty with whatever questions they might want to ask us. One of the first questions my boys asked is 'what is he like' and she told them that he lies a lot, he's not very responsible and he doesn't really care about what you do but he is easygoing. I'm pretty sure he's absolutely no higher on their 'we need to meet list' and he may just be all the way at the bottom. She had told her nana (his mom) that she knew about my boys 2 weeks ago and she decided to sit Shannon (the sister) down and tell her why she had no idea about them and why no one has a relationship with them at all. Her mom asked me to give her a brief run down since there are always two sides to the story and that nanas story was second hand from her dad. Nana had told her that she's always wanted to know them but she's afraid to have a relationship with them without a paternity test and she's taken me back to court multiple times and I just refuse to let them be tested so she's kept her distance. Unbelievable and totally believable at the same time. Ugh. I didn't bash either of them but I did let her know that he denied wanting a paternity test at my encouragement (simply because two children at 19 years old is a HUGE commitment and no one should sign a legal document of that nature without knowing a million percent) After the main serious questions they moved on to things like tv shows, movies, music, etc and it went well. They were definitely more quiet than usual but they all agreed at the end of the night that they wanted to keep in touch and that we owe them a chuck e cheese day since they missed their entire childhood at chuck e cheese together. Turns out they're all the best skee ball player in the world. I feel a tournament coming on. They exchanged instagram names or whatever, took a few pics and said their goodbyes. On the way home Jake said "So, could our sister come to our birthday party? Whoa , that's odd" I said 'What? her coming to the party? " and he said 'No, just saying 'our sister' " That's the first time ever. All in all it went really well. We let them know that the relationship terms are up to them as far as keeping in contact or the level of hanging out they want to do, they're all old enough to decide what is right for them. I'm blow away by how much they look alike and how similar parts of their personalities and mannerisms are. When we were leaving she hugged them and said "I've always wanted a big brother, I can't believe I actually had TWO!" And, I didn't barf. With moms permission, here is a pic of the 3 of them-- the twins will be 16 on 8/7 and she just turned 14 in May
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 24, 2014 3:44:22 GMT
In all the years that I have "known" you, this:
is what I think about when I think of you. You have always done what is best for your boys, and I think you're are doing the right thing again.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Jul 24, 2014 3:47:32 GMT
Glad it went so well, and I hope this will be a great relationship for all three of them. Well done, Steph.
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 24, 2014 3:51:28 GMT
Great pic.....and your twins. One is so blonde and the other so dark. My twins are 18 months.....I wonder how they will be as big guys.
And tell your boys that I'll think of them on OUR birthday. To bad I turn 42!!!
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Post by twistedscissors on Jul 24, 2014 3:55:47 GMT
Glad it went well and you didn't barf! You're a great mom!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 22:43:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 3:59:13 GMT
They do all favor! Glad the initial meeting went well.
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Post by meridon on Jul 24, 2014 4:03:14 GMT
Woo hoo! So glad it went well! Isn't it strange that things like mannerisms can be genetic?
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Jul 24, 2014 4:04:41 GMT
So glad it went well. You did a good thing. Let them decide and the sister if they want to keep it going. It sounds like the mom is ok with it? Even if the dad's not. I was forced to choose. My mom did not understand why I wanted a relationship with my bio dad and his kids.My mom was very threatened. I stayed close to them until it got really complicated. I still keep tabs on my dad through his wife or one of his siblings. It's been a long time since I have though for fear of my mom finding out. It's SO complicated. I hope your sons can have a good relationship it sounds like the siblings want to. I love your honesty with them.
Sent from my KFSOWI using Tapatalk
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Post by Chips on Jul 24, 2014 4:09:22 GMT
So glad that the visit went well! Your boys are wonderful and you've amazing and wonderful <3
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Post by 5peanutsnana on Jul 24, 2014 4:16:59 GMT
Great update. Happy it went well for all of you. Sounds like your boys are receptive to having a little sister. Hopefully their lives will be richer for it.
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 24, 2014 4:20:03 GMT
So glad it went well! You have obviously raised some great kids (as if you didn't know that!), and it sounds like they handled everything really well. I know it was scary, but I know your boys and their sister must really appreciate this chance to meet and hopefully form a relationship. I am glad their sister was honest about him, although that must be weird for your boys. The picture is great, what a cute trio of kiddos! Keep up the good work, your boys are so very blessed to have you for their mom!!!!
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,418
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Jul 24, 2014 4:46:19 GMT
I'm still trying to figure out when they turned 16!!!!! . Looks like a great visit. Cute pic!
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linda~lou
Pearl Clutcher
Keep calm and eat crumpets
Posts: 2,744
Location: Motown but my heart is in San Francisco
Jun 25, 2014 21:57:08 GMT
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Post by linda~lou on Jul 24, 2014 4:47:06 GMT
I just have to say how big your boys are!!!! What handsome men! I remember when they were just little guys. How does this happen?? They get so old and we never age!!!
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Post by I-95 on Jul 24, 2014 5:10:57 GMT
OMG, I can't believe they are that grown up. I mean, I know you said they were 16 but I still see a couple of little boys in my head.....these are grown up young men!
I'm glad you didn't puke (I had faith in you!) and I'm glad it went well. I think it's kinda nice they have a sister and she's a pretty one too. I'll be she's delighted to have two big brothers. Good job Steph!!
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Post by Katiepotatie on Jul 24, 2014 5:11:02 GMT
Fabulous update!!! So glad it went well.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,666
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 24, 2014 5:14:17 GMT
I can't believe it at all and i see them everyday. This year has been SO emotional for me- it's crazy, I would miss them like crazy but I was always way too excited for new adventures and opportunities for them to be super emotional over birthdays, school and whatnot. The first day of 9th grade made me a little heartsick, Josh going to prom as a freshmen made me cry and a little bit of a mess, the learners permits put a serious kink in my emotions and then shopping for birthday party supplies at party city sent me right on over the edge. I picked up two 'I'm 16 today" buttons and as I sat them in the cart the waterworks were on like never before. I'm certain I played a large role in putting several darling children into therapy as I cried through the store and all the way to my car.
I can see it now "Doctor, I know exactly when my life changed, there was this chubby woman buying birthday supplies back in '14 She was just sobbing away and kept saying 'Sixteen? Really? Can we just work backwards now? I don't want to buy 16th birthday things, can we kick it old school and have a cars theme? I'm not ready for this yet.' as I watched her I realized, life is just plain sad. She ruined my world" Poor kid. It's a good thing my mom was there to laugh at me or I would've probably not made it to the checkout.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 22:43:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 5:19:03 GMT
What an amazing way to do this. Just everything, your insight and patience and forgiveness and maturity and bravery, just wonderful, I applaud you! I'm so glad they want to stay in touch, it's a very special bond siblings have and kudos to you for giving them that chance!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 22:43:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 5:21:39 GMT
My twins will be **9** this year. When did that happen? They still smell like sunshine and apples to me! And my dd is growing into a young lady, had lost that "little girl" look and looks like a young lady, I can't believe it either. They are my last children and it hits me hard, every time I look at them. :*(
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,666
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 24, 2014 7:36:34 GMT
I swear when I checked back there were 15 posts that weren't there before all jumbled in. Odd. Child Support-- he *kinda* pays. His mom paid it for probably 2-3 years and then he took over. It's taken from his checks regularly but since he's got 4 open cases with child support enforcement it's inconsistent at best. In the last year i've gotten checks that range from .28 to $175 or so. It usually averages to one trip to the ice cream shop a month. In the last 4 months there has been a total of $15.68 Her mom is wonderful, like I said she made some choices that I would like to think I wouldn't have in high school but when I think about it we were both dating a serious liar so I really can't hold that against her at all. We're actually very much on the same page as far as the kids go. I was impressed that when we sat down one of the first things she said was "Before things get deep or silly or whatever is about to unfold I want to seriously thank you for being open to talking to me, making the time to have dinner with us and for being willing to help me answer questions that she might have. You didn't have to do this , you had every right and reason to hang up on me when I called and I have so much respect for you for being willing to help me do what's best for Shannon" It was unexpected but definitely very moving. We actually had a few times where we were saying the exact same thing at the same time and we had a 'lord, we've turned into our mothers' moment when we were talking and at the same time we both brought up the fact that we wouldn't change things now and wouldn't give the babies back if we could but that if we could go back to high school we would've done things differently followed by the classic 'what seems like a small decision could be the one that changes your life forever' it was like a dr. phil teen mom reunion special for a minute and I think my boys were a little freaked out that it's not just me that has those talks randomly. This is the kind of place that you never really get away from your high school classmates so we've been aware of each other and cordial through the years but we're both open to talking regularly and possibly developing a friendship. It will certainly make it easier if the kids want to continue the relationship in the future and we get together.
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Post by Skypea on Jul 24, 2014 10:17:53 GMT
glad it all went well for you. and the boys and Shannon. It's good it's all out in the open and those unknown feelings are now known. Less scary that way! It's also good AND scary to see a new pic of the boys! as so many have said 'how did they get to be 16?' little guys one day and then boom - just doesn't seem possible. Cute sister too! I don't want to really scare ya more but my little tyke is 42 now - that day will be here sooner than you think for you. It scares me every time he has a BD. I think things like 'he's older than I was when his dad and I divorced'... 'he's older than I was when I - whatever'. major sigh here. do we have a major sigh smilie? ok, now I'm just depressing myself -
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Jul 24, 2014 10:57:05 GMT
This unfolding story is very inspiring and full of hope. OP, you are a reminder of how families, blended or otherwise, CAN be. The world can be a better place if we all behave like adults- Well done! The kids (all 3 of them) are going to be just fine. And sidewalks barfless.
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Post by meriannj on Jul 24, 2014 11:12:47 GMT
Steph, I finally had a chance to read this entire thread and I am going to echo what many have said about what an amazing thing you are doing for those boys. They are getting the chance to meet new family in a "safe" way and I think that is just what you have done. I hope going forward they maybe can be a positive influence for their sister.
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Post by kelbel827 on Jul 24, 2014 11:34:43 GMT
Great job! Not sure I could have done that with the grace that you did. I'm pretty sure my son has at least 3 or 4 half siblings. That was 7 years ago, so not sure if there are more, or if there were others before those. I've always told him if he wants to know, then we can find them. He's 20 and has no interest in it.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 24, 2014 11:50:03 GMT
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He sounds an arsehole. You had a lucky escape. Well done for handling this situation so sensitively. The children all look very happy, and that is the main thing.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,958
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jul 24, 2014 11:59:48 GMT
I'm glad to hear that everything turned out so good! Great job everyone!,
The picture is fab! Everyone looks happy!
Lisa D.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 22:43:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 12:13:22 GMT
Steph, kudos to you for doing that! You should be really proud of yourself. DH has a sister he found out about 3 years ago. The rest of the family can't be bothered. His mother won't even meet her and his 3 sisters basically could care less. We see her and her family all the time. They are the best "family" we have!
Ann
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Jul 24, 2014 12:16:18 GMT
So glad to hear everything went well. You're doing a fantastic job with those boys and really should think about mentoring young moms!!
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,783
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 24, 2014 12:17:03 GMT
I am so glad things went well!
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,594
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Jul 24, 2014 12:38:23 GMT
I am so glad this went well Steph!
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
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Post by gloryjoy on Jul 24, 2014 12:41:05 GMT
WOW, I am reading this thread and am happy for you and your boys. Glad it went well.
My husband is adopted and met his half sister and half brothers when he was in his 20's, he has a good relationship with two of them.
Having siblings in your life that you connect with can only be a good thing.
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