StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,666 
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 23, 2014 5:51:16 GMT
I hope none of you have been in a similar situation but hoping someone has some tips, advice, great ways to destress....just something!
Heres the condensed version of the history-
I got pregnant at 17, 3 months along my boyfriend decided he needed another girlfriend and that he "just figured you're pregnant and need me now so there wasn't much you could do about it." Yep, awesome. That was the end of our relationship and communication (he could only talk about rekindling our relationship and how sorry he was while still seeing her. No thanks)
At 5 1/2 months along I found out I was having twins. I dropped by his house and said "Thought you'd like to know, it's twins" then left.
I saw him again at our custody hearing at 5 weeks old and that was the first and only time he's ever met my boys. When they were 15months old he got married b/c the girl he had been cheating on me with was expecting. Baby was born, that was that. I didn't hear from him again until 7 years or so ago. He was between women and decided we should 'give it another shot' when he found me on MySpace. Again, No. We talked for maybe an hour and not a single time did he even mention the children. I literally said "You do remember who I am right? You know we have kids together? " He said he did and he loves them in his own way. lmao.
I'm pretty certain that was the last contact at all from him. The kids will be 16 on August 7.
My boys don't care one way or another about him and are glad they don't have contact as of now. When they were 8ish they asked one day where their dad was. I kept it simple and said "His name is Michael and he lives in West Virginia" and showed them the few pictures I have. They asked why they don't know him and I said "We were very very young when you were born and he just wasn't ready to be a parent quite yet. Some people can love children but aren't ready to be parents." At 12 Jake said "So our Dad...can I just call him Mike, dad is too wierd. If I ever wanted to meet him could I?" I asked him if he did want to and he said no, he just wanted to know if it would ever be an option. I told him that when and if he comes to that decision i'll do everything I can to make it happen for him. "
Fast forward to now. 2-3 months ago I got a message on facebook from the girl he married after our relationship ended. She found out a few months ago that her grandfather wasn't a biological relative and her instant reaction was anger and distrust. Feeling like her family had lied to her all her life. That made her think about her daughter and she contacted me to see if they knew about her and if she told her about them she just kind of wanted to know what my stance is on them communicating. We talked for 4-5 hours and kind of made a plan of action but really most of the call was reassuring her and helping her come up with a plan for telling her daughter and being prepared for the many possible reactions.
A month later she called again and said that she had told her about her half brothers and that was was shocked (of course) and that she thought she really wanted to meet them. We decided that the next time I was in town we would meet up so they could meet in person.
My mom fell last week and broke her arm in 3 places so I decided to come down today since my stepdad had to go back to work and she got to come home from the hospital . I called her on the way here and we decided to meet up for dinner or an activity (my boys suggested chuck e cheese so they don't have an hour of awkward dinner, just in case.)
We're officially doing this tomorrow. My boys aren't really letting their emotions out but I can tell they're kind of nervous but they don't really have huge expectations. Through talking to her we found out he's been married 3x, in jail once and has this daughter and then 3 other kids all with different mothers. Jakes only stipulation was that he wants to meet the sister but bio-dad is absolutely NOT to be there or have anything to do with them.
Now that the day is here, i'm suddenly nervous. They never felt like anything was missing but i'd never ever take the chance to have another relative to share their lives with away from them. I'm kind of freaking out about the can of worms this could open up since she has a relationship with him and his mother and there is a 100% chance that it'll be mentioned the next time she sees them.
I agreed to meeting up because when I stand back and look at it I know that my boys are driving and they're on the internet. In todays world it's not difficult to find out information and i'd MUCH rather give them this piece of that side of their 'family' and have some of the questions that they must have answered than to have my babies sitting around in a year or two and just decide to go find him and have their hearts broken. My DH doesn't think they'd ever do that, I don't either but then I know if they thought it would hurt me at all they would try to protect my feelings. I always try to do what's best for them and I feel like I know that being open and honest with them is the way to do that but dang, not knowing how this can impact them down the road is terrifying.
I'm just hoping i'm doing the right thing, i'm not jacking them up for life and I don't barf on the sidewalk.
Anyone got anything?
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
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Post by trollie on Jul 23, 2014 5:56:14 GMT
You sound like a very thoughtful and loving mother. (((HUGS))) That's all I've got.
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bandjmom
Full Member
Posts: 197
Jun 25, 2014 23:28:19 GMT
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Post by bandjmom on Jul 23, 2014 6:01:13 GMT
I agree with Trollie. I think your instincts are good. Lots of variables in this equation so you have to go with your gut.
Hope you all have a good day tomorrow. The anticipation must be nerve-wracking.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
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Post by my3freaks on Jul 23, 2014 6:14:14 GMT
I think you're doing the right thing. I'll be watching for your update!
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Jul 23, 2014 6:19:25 GMT
As creepy as it may be to say this, I can remember when your boys were just little guys and you were scrambling to make ends meet. Your stories of them have always impressed me. Your determination and personality have always inspired me. I know that, if I were living the life that you have, I wouldn't have done as good a job as you have. From what I can tell you have successfully managed to juggle you trials and tribulations while building wonderful relationships with your kids. And somehow, you still kept your individuality and made time for yourself. That's a magic act in itself! You seem to roll well with the punches and I think they've seen your example and probably share many of your traits.
In short (too late), whatever happens, they will be fine because they have the foundation that you have given them and the example you have set. They are going to see any b.s. and handle any drama. You aren't going to lose them. And they will appreciate the train wreck that you spared them. Really.
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DaisyDoodles
Full Member
Posts: 449
Jun 25, 2014 20:32:07 GMT
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Post by DaisyDoodles on Jul 23, 2014 6:30:51 GMT
Well, I found out at 26 that my mom lied to me all my life about my bio dad, and then in the next breath she tells me that I have a half sister. In one minute, I went from having 1 sister and 2 brothers (all thinking from the same dad) to having 2 half sisters and 2 half brothers (not that it matters, but the initial shock was devastating). Honestly, it rocked me to the core and really messed me up and I still don't know that I am over it and it has been 10 years ! Sooo yeah, I kinda understand your situation. In saying that, I think letting the twins meet their half sister with you being there for supervision/support is good. In this day, kids will go online and look up anything, so why try to hide it if there isn't any reason not to meet. Unless you feel this girl has some nefarious reason to meet them or their safety is at stake, might just be time to rip off the bandage. Don't let them find out by accident years from now like I did, it seriously sucked. To this day, I still have not met my bio dad and the dad I had growing up wasn't all that great (to put it nicely), so I really feel like I missed out on an important relationship in my life ; don't take that away from the twins. My relationship drastically changed with my mother and is pretty non-existent at this point. Go ahead, it's ok to puke on the sidewalk, just don't drop your cupcake in it  |
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 23, 2014 6:33:03 GMT
My bio mother was in my parents' youth group. She didn't mention her idea of wanting them to adopt me until after I was born because she had taken DES for four months before she realized she was pregnant. DES causes severe birth defects--my doctors' think all my pancreas/liver, heart and neurological disease is from the birth defects. I got a clean bill of health as an infant.
My parents had been trying to have a child for a long time. They even tried international adoption and were doing foster care as well. My adoption was so special--that they had looked everywhere for a child and a girl in their church gave them one. My name, Micah, means "Who is like the Lord" which meant so much to my parents. My adopted dad's family had a hard time with me being adopted. They talked about it a lot, so my cousin, who is a year older, would parrot what they said and told me things that my parents had waited to explain until I was older.
They talked about my adoption, and I had a great relationship with my bio grandmother and step sister and know my two aunts. While I knew and met my bio mother, it was very difficult and painful for her to be around me.
My bio mother was 16. The story her family told my parents was that she married this guy and he ran off when he found out she was pregnant. The DES was for nausea, even though it's most common use is for infertility/hormone imbalances. When dh started researching our family trees, he found no records for a marriage or divorce. I think the whole "marriage" story was made up because of the stigma, especially in a church.
When my biological mother died at 42 from uterine cancer, my aunt got in touch to let me know for medical reasons. I had my uterus removed because of precancer and my bio aunts' medical history. My aunt said she was surprised that my biological father hadn't gotten in touch with the family when my bio mother died. My aunt was 13 when I was born, so she might not know the real story. I wonder if my biological father even knows he's a father.
I have mixed feeling of meeting him. I do have some medical information that he should know. If he contacted me, I would meet him. I get how awkward it would be for him if he has another family and children.
I do understand the desire to meet relatives you didn't know you had. I don't regret meeting and having a relationship with my bio family. My mom had a hard time with it and felt competition, but my mom resents the relationship I have with my MIL, dh, and even my late father.
I think you are a great mother. The fact that you are concerned that you might mess your kids up is a great sign that you won't. You're putting their needs first, and they love and trust you. I know if the relationship became unhealthy you would step in. I do think that you're doing the right thing by telling your children about their history instead of them finding out another way.
There also is nothing wrong about feeling nervous. I hope the meeting goes well. You have a good head on your shoulders. You'll know what you need to do so your kids are healthy emotionally as well. Hopefully the relationship will be a good, healthy one. Please update us.
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DaisyDoodles
Full Member
Posts: 449
Jun 25, 2014 20:32:07 GMT
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Post by DaisyDoodles on Jul 23, 2014 7:05:09 GMT
I also wanted to add that I did seek out our half sister that was placed for adoption (My mom had me, met step dad and got pregnant quickly and he left her until after baby was born and placed with agency). It was really awkward but exciting, but honestly, not much has come of the relationship. I don't know if it is because we were older when we met, but basically she and I are facebook friends that don't interact much. She always knew she was adopted so meeting us was just closure, I think for her, and I think we built it up too much for ourselves. It might be helpful to explain to the twins that there are no guarantees that their half sister will want a continuing relationship, so don't get their hopes up too high. It would be cool , but sometimes things like this are too much for some people and one or both parties don't continue the relationship past a certain level. I do hope all goes well tomorrow  You and your hubs do a great job parenting those boys from what I have gathered, so you guys will be able whatever may come from this. |
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Post by Katiepotatie on Jul 23, 2014 7:20:25 GMT
You got this!! You are doing all the right things. Trust that you will figure out the rest as it comes.
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Post by I-95 on Jul 23, 2014 7:24:11 GMT
I think I'd be right there with you, puking on the sidewalk! You have been a great mom to those boys and whatever else happens, you have to know they are well grounded and know they are loved. Meeting a half sibling has to be something that the boys and their half sister are probably curious, nervous and excited about. They may end up having a relationship, or not, but as you said before, they were probably going to find her, or she them, at some stage in their lives, so it might as well be now when both moms can be there for support and comfort. You're doing the right thing...just don't puke on the sidewalk  Let us know how it goes...and {{{BIG HUGS}}} |
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momthatsy
Shy Member
Posts: 12
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Post by momthatsy on Jul 23, 2014 9:04:42 GMT
You will do fine, and so will the boys. You are a strong family. I lost my dad when I was nine and was taken away from his family, I was an adult before I reconnected with them. I missed out on a lot of family memories because of it. Don't let that happen to your family.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jul 23, 2014 10:55:33 GMT
Coming from a person who has a half brother out there that I never met I just want to say your doing the right thing. From your post it don't seem that this is being forced on your boys and they are old enough to decide if this is something they want to do.
I wish I was given this opportunity so now I'm left always wondering and what makes it worse is I really have no family at all besides DH.
It's normal to be nervous but it will pass. Good luck and please report back on how things went.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 23, 2014 10:59:25 GMT
You sound like a very thoughtful and loving mother. (((HUGS))) That's all I've got. As does the mom of this young girl. Hugs....let us know how it went. |
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,775
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 23, 2014 11:28:00 GMT
I'm just hoping i'm doing the right thing, i'm not jacking them up for life and I don't barf on the sidewalk. Honey, we are all jacking our kids up for life. Childhood....it's what it's all about.  In all seriousness, have you ever met a single person without even a little baggage from their childhood? All the the good you have done with those kids far outweighs what could happen from this. You are a good mom who has always done the best you could. I really admire you for that. |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 23, 2014 11:35:50 GMT
I'm with lurkingsince2001....I apparently spent many years on twopeas because it's hard to believe the boys are so old now! I too remember them as little ones.
You've always amazed me with your strength and how wonderful a mother you are. You'll do just fine with this too!
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Post by Miss Ang on Jul 23, 2014 11:45:59 GMT
Stephanie, while I don't know you in person, I know you from the MB and FB and you're a great mom! You are doing the very best thing for them by keeping the lines of communication open (with the boys and the other side of the family) and letting the boys know their options and most importantly, supporting them in whatever choice they make. I hope everything goes well for you all.  |
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Post by disneyjunkie on Jul 23, 2014 11:53:44 GMT
I don't have any experience with this but it sounds to me like you are doing the right thing for the boys. You seem to be a great mom from everything I have seen over the years. Good luck today!
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,616
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 23, 2014 12:04:34 GMT
I think this sounds really healthy and good. You are handling it perfectly.
Good luck - I hope it goes really, really well.
And I cannot beLIEVE those boys are 16!!!!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 4:15:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 12:50:20 GMT
I think you gave your boys a gift when you gave them a choice to meet their bio dad/siblings or not. Too many times adults think they're shielding their kids from the harsh realities of life by not being honest with them. Kids deserve to know where they've come from, even if it's messy and uncomfortable sometimes.
Your boys are going to do great with this. Best of luck!
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 23, 2014 12:57:02 GMT
"I'm just hoping i'm doing the right thing, i'm not jacking them up for life and I don't barf on the sidewalk."
Well, you may barf on the sidewalk, but you are not jacking up your boys for life. You are following their lead. They want to meet her. I think you are absolutely handling this in a wonderful way. I hope it all goes great!
My dear friend found out her aunt was her half-sister, not her aunt, at the aunt's funeral. That is how you jack someone up. Not with truth.
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Post by fruitysuet on Jul 23, 2014 13:03:27 GMT
Your boys sound very level headed. I think it was wonderful of the other mum to reach out to you. Even if there is no long term relationship, it is another piece in the puzzle of life that has been found.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,550
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Post by anniebeth24 on Jul 23, 2014 13:13:04 GMT
You are doing the right thing. Whether they admit it or not, your boys are naturally going to be curious about their family and you're providing a safe way for them to explore one of those relationships. Yes, the can of worms is opened, but you will be there with them as they choose to go further with this extended family - or not.
I have two adopted teens, one has at least one half-sibling "out there" somewhere and the other has a full sibling that we have a pen-pal type relationship with. There are most likely more sibs out there and I have the same fears. How will they handle meeting or not meeting them? How do I guide them? I hope that I'll have the same bravery that you're showing and can be the support that my kids need. Best wishes!
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,592
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Jul 23, 2014 13:28:59 GMT
Like many of us here, we have watched your boys from when they were little. Hard to believe they are driving now. Even though we have never met face to face, I have watched you raise your boys on here and on facebook. You are a wonderful mother and always have your sons' best interest at heart. You have done a wonderful job with them. They are strong young men. From what you are saying about them here, they are confident in who they are and don't really feel they are missing out by not knowing their bio dad. The way you are handling this is perfect. You are letting them do this in a way they are comfortable with. They have made it clear they want to meet their sister but not their bio dad. You have also made it clear to them that if they ever do want to meet him, you will support that too. You doing good mom.
Many of us have similar stories. I do too. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3mths old. All my life, I was very close to my dad's side of the family, even though I had never met him. He never came around to see me and then when I was about 4, he was living in TX (or maybe it was LA) with my aunt. He went out for cigarettes and never came back (true story). No one knew where he was. When I was about 14, I told my mom that I wanted to try and find him. My mom was on welfare at the time and it was required by state law that they try and track down the missing parent. We found out that that the SSN we had was 1 digit off. So it made finding him difficult. In all that time though, I never felt I was really missing anything. My mom did a great job raising me and providing me a loving secure home. Fast forward a few years. When I was 19, my mom called me while I was out and told me to come home. Turns out that my bio dad had called my aunt (his sister) out of the blue. He was in Ohio at the time. That started a process of about a year of meeting and getting to know each other. After about a year, I realized that the relationship was just not natural. It just felt forced. He called drunk one night, I told him I had to go and I have never heard from him again.
I am 38 now and feel fine about how things worked out. My mom like I said did a great job raising me. You are doing a great job with your boys. As long as they know you are their for them and support their decisions with this, things will be fine.
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Post by lovemybabes on Jul 23, 2014 13:30:16 GMT
I think you are doing a great thing. Let them all meet up, and they can decide if they want to keep things going later on. |
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Post by gizzy on Jul 23, 2014 13:50:21 GMT
I think they'll handle it just like they handled everything else. You've done a wonderful job of being open with them & not hesitating to answer any questions. Hopefully, they'll just be like, "yeah, we have a sister. Cool." and it will be so normal they don't dwell on it.
Not sure how to approach that the guy is in contact with the sister and not them.
Hope all goes smoothly!
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Post by AN on Jul 23, 2014 13:52:06 GMT
Steph, you are a great parent and I'm always totally impressed with your posts. You are doing the right thing. Good luck, I hope it goes smoothly. It sounds like both you and the other mother are thoughtful and want the best for your kids.
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Post by Baseballmom23 on Jul 23, 2014 14:02:59 GMT
You are doing the right thing. I can't wait to hear how it went. Hang in there, everything will be fine
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,666
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 23, 2014 14:36:26 GMT
It doesn't happen often but i'm speechless reading the sweet sweet replies that I woke up to- It's amazing how much the support of a bunch of 'strangers' can help. For those of you who have a similar story, thank you so much for sharing it with me. I know this isn't a completely uncommon thing but of course because it's MY kids it's different. I can't imagine totally keeping a secret like that or the internal stress making the decision to keep that secret has to produce. I've been an emotional sappy mess crying, stressing and worrying about my babies for the last 6 months or so. As much as I was going to never need a man, i'm so thankful that DH is there right now, he's truly been a life saver and a sounding board that happens to be able to keep me in line. I'd be crazy at this point without him. I know my boys are fantastic, adjusted and happy but I think it's on my shoulders like a ton of bricks that they're super close to the age I was when I had them and that's just unbelievable. On one hand i've got so much confidence in them and I can't wait to see how their lives turn out and then on the other I can't stop thinking about how one single decision can literally alter your life forever. I was the well adjusted, pretty much perfect child and then BAM twins after having sex twice. It's a hard balance for me to try to warn them and make them realize how truly life changing things can be without ever making them feel like I regret them. They truly are the best thing that ever could have happened to me , I can't even wrap my mind around our life being different- it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. Anyway, i'm word vomiting and still processing your replies, i'll get it together and then come back Bottom line: thank you. |
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Post by Kelpea on Jul 23, 2014 14:41:31 GMT
Met my half brother when we were in our mid-twenties. Best guy, ever. We had a lot of physical and mental similarities and outlooks. Sadly, lost him to brain cancer about 10 years later. But I'm so glad we were friends.
Also met my half sisters (same dad; different mom), about 20 years ago. I liked one; the other, not so much. We stay in touch via FB. There are two more (yeah, our "bio" dad was pretty prolific), much younger, who I met briefly in LA. I'm friends with my half brother on FB; the half sister died a few years back.
I'm very glad to have met them all. I don't think it's all that big of a deal; just enjoy the process.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 4:15:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 14:43:55 GMT
I think if the boys are open to it, it's the right thing.
I totally understand keeping bio dad out of it...and I'm glad the boys want nothing to do with that train wreck either.
One way to think of it though, regardless of what you think of the mother of the girl, you were both in the same boat. And your twins and her daughter are in the same boat.
Be there when the kids meet, but nothing is forced. If the kids want to continue a relationship with their half sister...great. If not...that's totally fine and okay too.
There is no right or wrong here...just doing what feels right. |
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Southern Side eyed Pea 
You and your hubs do a great job parenting those boys from what I have gathered, so you guys will be able whatever may come from this.
