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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 18, 2015 8:05:20 GMT
UPDATE
DD and I went through all the work of signing me up and providing I D for background checks, and then later we heard back that there's a rule against victims of violent crime visiting the prisoners.
I feel bad. Once I decided this was the right course, I'm frustrated that I can't.
I'll probably write a letter. But for some reason that does not appeal to me as much.
I'm updating this because I think there are some who wanted to know how it went.
After much soul searching and prayer I have decided to visit XH and tell him in person I forgive him.
I don't make this decision lightly. I really thought for the last 3 years that I never wanted to see him again.
He's in life support, mostly paralyzed, unable to talk, communicates by pointing at letters on a board.
My dd visits him and tells me about it because she needs someone to talk it over with. I'm her mother first, and a survivor of domestic violence second.
This is so so so hard on her. The nurses and inmates treat XH terrible. Absolutely terrible. I don't care what he did, treating another human, especially a completely defenseless one that way makes them no better than he. It certainly does not make me happy that he suffers so.
Dd has gotten lawyers for prisoners rights involved, and things got a little better for like a week, then things went right back to brutal and deplorable. I have an acquaintance who was in prison once, and he said that is exactly what he observed. ( I didn't pry, it was some kind of white collar trouble he got in).
I hope I'm strong enough for this. I'm certainly not afraid of him. I guess I'm afraid of all the feelings I will have when I see him. I spent a lot of time in therapy overcoming an inappropriate sense of guilt for everything that happened and my family's destruction.
But I believe this visit will be better than the distress and sense of helplessness I've been feeling.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,768
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Dec 18, 2015 8:12:09 GMT
lesserknownpea, I have long admired your strength in dealing with the issues you faced and am sure you have not reached this decision lightly. I hope that this visit proves to be helpful to you. You are an amazing woman.
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Post by slicksister on Dec 18, 2015 8:16:45 GMT
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:06:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2015 8:17:03 GMT
Can someone go with you (Other than your daughter). I remember reading about what you went through and I am a DV survivor too and I think it would be better to take some support along because you don't know how you will react. And if you are in counseling schedule a counseling appointment for afterwards.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 18, 2015 9:19:13 GMT
Good luck. Nothing about this visit sounds easy. Stay strong!
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Post by gar on Dec 18, 2015 9:58:45 GMT
I hope it brings you some peace of mind.
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Post by pelirroja on Dec 18, 2015 10:17:49 GMT
Has he asked for forgiveness or is this more for your daughter or yourself? Whatever the reason or motivations, I wish you well and hope this brings you some semblembance of peace and rebuilding with your new life. I hope you have a therapist or counselor who can walk you thru this experience and the conundrum of emotions you are likely to feel afterwards. ((hugs))
Your strength and courage is amazing. I don't think I could have the grace to handle the situation the way you have. You've been through so much and I am hoping this will bring you closure.
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Post by disneypal on Dec 18, 2015 10:24:25 GMT
I admire you - that takes strength and courage but I believe it will be good for you both.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,179
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Dec 18, 2015 10:29:50 GMT
I know this isn't easy for you, and I admire you so much for realising it is something you have to do for yourself. I hope you get from it what you need.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Dec 18, 2015 11:09:11 GMT
Can someone go with you (Other than your daughter). I remember reading about what you went through and I am a DV survivor too and I think it would be better to take some support along because you don't know how you will react. And if you are in counseling schedule a counseling appointment for afterwards. I totally agree with this (as another DV survivor) You are a very brave, very strong woman. I send my prayers and good thoughts to you. Just remember, you are in control. If you are choosing to do this, you are doing this for you. You can choose to go. You can choose to not stay, even without seeing him. You can leave at any time. There are no expectations on you, and you do not owe anyone anything. Please do bring someone who is there to be strong for you, and has your best interests in mind solely.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Dec 18, 2015 11:38:17 GMT
I don't know your story, or his, but I wish you the best. I also think it would be good to take someone with you, if only for the drive. Good luck. I suspect this will be very good for you.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 18, 2015 12:48:49 GMT
I hope this visit serves you in some way. I hate the term "closure," but it is descriptive. Maybe this experience will allow you to further come to terms with what you suffered at his hands.
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janeinbama
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Posts: 3,174
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Dec 18, 2015 13:00:28 GMT
Prayers for you and your family. There is nothing easy about what you are doing. May God's hands guide you through this journey.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,775
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Dec 18, 2015 13:06:30 GMT
You will be in my thoughts. I know this choice was not made lightly. Best of luck.
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Post by pattipea on Dec 18, 2015 13:27:52 GMT
Even knowing that he will look different than he did the last time you saw him, I am sure just seeing his face will bring up a multitude of feelings inside you. Just remember, YOU ARE IN CONTROL NOW. Don't allow him to suck you in again. Go there with your head held high - knowing you have done nothing wrong, say what you want/need to say, hear him out briefly if you want to, then get up and leave. I fear if you stay too long, some old feelings may start to resurface and leave you feeling guilty again. I hope this is exactly what you need (as spongemom said) to bring closure to your relationship, reassure what you have learned in therapy, and help your DD deal with whatever she is trying sort out in her head. I hope you will come back after your visit and let us know how it went. God bless you, lesserknownpea, and Merry Christmas!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:06:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2015 13:56:20 GMT
Wow! You are doing something many, many people would never think of doing. You are brave and compassionate, and I admire you for your courage.
Keep your visit short, say what you need to say and then leave. And remember that we're praying for you and wishing you the best.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 18, 2015 14:17:08 GMT
I wish you luck. You are a strong woman to even consider doing such a thing. I hope it gives you some closure and that you feel better following the visit. Hugs to you.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,787
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Dec 18, 2015 14:26:52 GMT
lesserknownpea , I have long admired your strength in dealing with the issues you faced and am sure you have not reached this decision lightly. I hope that this visit proves to be helpful to you. You are an amazing woman. This is what I wanted to say. I have followed your story and I do hope this will bring you peace for yourself. You are a very strong woman.
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Post by nyxish on Dec 18, 2015 14:28:59 GMT
Wishing you the best for this visit and any healing it brings XH and yourself.
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Post by sweetpea4utoo on Dec 18, 2015 14:35:25 GMT
After much soul searching and prayer I have decided to visit XH and tell him in person I forgive him. I don't make this decision lightly. I really thought for the last 3 years that I never wanted to see him again. He's in life support, mostly paralyzed, unable to talk, communicates by pointing at letters on a board. My dd visits him and tells me about it because she needs someone to talk it over with. I'm her mother first, and a survivor of domestic violence second. This is so so so hard on her. The nurses and inmates treat XH terrible. Absolutely terrible. I don't care what he did, treating another human, especially a completely defenseless one that way makes them no better than he. It certainly does not make me happy that he suffers so. Dd has gotten lawyers for prisoners rights involved, and things got a little better for like a week, then things went right back to brutal and deplorable. I have an acquaintance who was in prison once, and he said that is exactly what he observed. ( I didn't pry, it was some kind of white collar trouble he got in). I hope I'm strong enough for this. I'm certainly not afraid of him. I guess I'm afraid of all the feelings I will have when I see him. I spent a lot of time in therapy overcoming an inappropriate sense of guilt for everything that happened and my family's destruction. But I believe this visit will be better than the distress and sense of helplessness I've been feeling. Maybe the nurses will treat him a little better once they see that you can forgive him?.....Maybe...
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Post by jenjie on Dec 18, 2015 14:38:31 GMT
I can't say it any better than has already been said so I will ditto the others. I'm here to stand in support with you. I agree you need to take someone with you but I want you to picture all of us linking arms with you as you do this very brave, very generous, very costly act. Big big hugs.
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
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Post by gloryjoy on Dec 18, 2015 15:21:24 GMT
I will keep you in my prayers as well.
If I was in your shoes I am not sure I could forgive and visit him but I admire you for your strength and compassion.
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
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Jun 26, 2014 19:30:06 GMT
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Post by scrappinghappy on Dec 18, 2015 15:56:55 GMT
Wishing you strength in your compassion and praying you can find peace both for yourself, your dd and family
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Dec 18, 2015 16:10:39 GMT
Good luck!
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Post by malibou on Dec 18, 2015 16:25:09 GMT
Wow, you are to be admired for your compassion and consideration.
Best wishes to you.
J
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Dec 18, 2015 16:26:22 GMT
May I ask why you feel the need to go see him? Is it for closure for you? Support for your dd?
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Post by moveablefeast on Dec 18, 2015 17:06:40 GMT
I hope and pray that this gives you some peace in your heart.
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 18, 2015 17:22:56 GMT
If you're clear about why you're doing this and know in advance that it may not bring you closure, but it might help you to heal then I understand it. ITA w/making a therapy appointment soon afterward. You know yourself best. You are not a victim anymore and it's all about you. You get to choose. You get to proceed in a manner that's best for you. I think it's very brave to confront your dh. Just bear in mind that he might be weak, but he's still the monster who tried to destroy you. He isn't suddenly a kind person. I'm sorry for the brutal reality check, but I want you to put yourself first at all times w/this. I'll support whatever you choose for yourself. May this bring healing and health to you and your dd.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 18, 2015 17:28:29 GMT
I am a firm believer that if you are brutally honest with yourself and then follow your heart and gut you will do the right thing. Best of luck!
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River
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Posts: 3,514
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Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Dec 18, 2015 17:35:12 GMT
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you do this incredibly brave and selfless act. I pray that it will bring further healing to you and your daughter.
(((HUGS)))
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