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Post by kernriver on Dec 18, 2015 18:28:43 GMT
Why is he in prison?
eta...I remember you from the old board. I went and read a post from a year ago. How did he get in such bad shape after he went to prison?
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Post by cannmom on Dec 18, 2015 18:30:43 GMT
I would be careful to protect yourself from manipulation from him. It sounds to me like he may be manipulating your daughter to feel sorry for him. In the area I live in any inmate that is ill enough to be on life support would be in a hospital and not a prison infirmary. I know things are different everywhere, but we get inmates at the hospital I work in frequently and they are always treated respectfully. If he is that ill I don't see how he could be having interactions with other inmates that much that he could be treated badly.
I'm not trying to argue with you and I hope I haven't offended you. It just sounds like he could be not as sick as he would like you to believe. I just wouldn't want you to walk into a situation where he could hurt you. I would go being prepared for it to be a very short visit if he starts being manipulative. Honestly, if you have things you need to say to him I would write a letter and be done with it. You seem to have peace with the situation and I would certainly not set myself up for more hurt just to give him peace.
Just my 2 cents worth. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 19, 2015 0:57:11 GMT
Thank you everybody for your kind and thoughtful replied. They make me feel more prepared for this.
I will try to answer the questions, hopefully I won't miss any.
What do I hope to get from visiting him? A bit of peace of mind. Knowing he is in this terrible situation makes me feel bad. Knowing that dd struggles alone in visiting and trying to advocate for him hurts my mamas heart. When I made my decision , I felt more peace, it felt right.
I also hope that forgiving him in person helps me move on. It's like I have unfinished business. And it's likely he'll die soon, and then I won't have that opportunity.
How did his health go down so quick? He is reaping what he sowed all those years of overindulgence in alcohol and poor eating. He lost a lot of weight when he entered prison, had a heart attack, had a stent put in. Then about 6 months ago he began to have strokes, each one taking away more.
The prison he started out in did not have facilities to take care of a patient in a ventilator and G tube so they transferred him to the state pen which is for worse criminals. Except for the nurses, it is inmates who care for him. My dd has come. And found him all bruised up. She's seen the nurse pick up tubing off the floor and reattach it to his peg. He's spelled out to her which nurse is cruel in the was she handles him. And what I have learned from more than one person is that is typical.
Yes, when he was in the hospital and rehab center, he was treated well.
I am no longer in therapy, but I can go back if I feel I need it. I am seriously considering it.
I will be going with dd, as she is familiar with communicating with him. Also she's familiar with the routine for visits. As XH can't come to the visiting area, we will have to be escorted through the inside of the prison, past many cells, to where his room is. DD is very supportive of me, and there was is nothing I can't say in front of her.
Did I miss any questions?
Thank you again for the encouragement.
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Post by christine58 on Dec 19, 2015 1:02:58 GMT
The prison he started out in did not have facilities to take care of a patient in a ventilator and G tube so they transferred him to the state pen which is for worse criminals. Except for the nurses, it is inmates who care for him. My dd has come. And found him all bruised up. She's seen the nurse pick up tubing off the floor and reattach it to his peg. He's spelled out to her which nurse is cruel in the was she handles him. And what I have learned from more than one person is that is typical. I find this very odd. He should be in a hospital or hospice within a hospital. Your DD needs to talk to a higher authority---like a state senator. I give you a lot of credit. He hurt you---badly--- I don't think I could forgive anyone ever if I had been treated as you had.
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TXMary
Pearl Clutcher
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
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Post by TXMary on Dec 19, 2015 1:07:44 GMT
You have already shown such amazing strength and courage. I hope this helps you and your daughter find peace. I will keep you both in my prayers.
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Post by travelscrapper on Dec 19, 2015 2:08:01 GMT
WOW--you are so strong and so amazing. I hope you find peace and comfort in your visit.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 19, 2015 2:29:58 GMT
The prison he started out in did not have facilities to take care of a patient on a ventilator and G tube so they transferred him to the state pen which is for worse criminals. Except for the nurses, it is inmates who care for him. My dd has come. And found him all bruised up. She's seen the nurse pick up tubing off the floor and reattach it to his peg. He's spelled out to her which nurse is cruel in the was she handles him. And what I have learned from more than one person is that is typical. I find this very odd. He should be in a hospital or hospice within a hospital. Your DD needs to talk to a higher authority---like a state senator. I give you a lot of credit. He hurt you---badly--- I don't think I could forgive anyone ever if I had been treated as you had. I imagine it's all about saving money by doing the care in-house. (Accidental pun there). I will pass your suggestion along, but the other people I've talked to have said this is par for the course in big prisons. Eta: I forgave him early on because I didn't want to hang on to unnecessary negativity. Everything he's enduring he brought on himself, and I never ever minimize his behavior. It's only recently that I have decided I would tell him in person. If he can go to his death with more peace, and if it comforts dd and I , I think it will be worth it. I hope.
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nylene
Drama Llama
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Jun 28, 2014 14:59:59 GMT
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Post by nylene on Dec 19, 2015 2:42:30 GMT
You are in my prayers. You are an amazingly compassionate woman to do this. It may not mean anything to him, but asking forgiveness and letting go of hate and anger will do you a world of good. I'm sure it will also be good for your DD. Sending you virtual hugs and strength.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 19, 2015 2:59:54 GMT
I'm sending my love your way, too. I really don't think you'll regret seeing or forgiving him. I pray it brings you and your children peace.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 19, 2015 3:24:21 GMT
If he is stable on a vent there is no need for him to be in a hospital. As our elderly prisoner's are getting older, and still needing to be incarcerated, so this the norm. Many SNFs, Assisted livings, etc, will NOT take convicted felons. Most of their population are vulnerable adults, and it just opens up a whole new can of worms. It is very hard for someone who has been in prison, gotten out, and then gotten sick to be placed anywhere these days. Most places will not take them.
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Dec 19, 2015 4:07:22 GMT
Sending you peace and strength. I pray the visit brings you what you need to continue healing. {{hugs}}
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 3:50:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 12:01:07 GMT
Thank you everybody for your kind and thoughtful replied. They make me feel more prepared for this. I will try to answer the questions, hopefully I won't miss any. What do I hope to get from visiting him? A bit of peace of mind. Knowing he is in this terrible situation makes me feel bad. Knowing that dd struggles alone in visiting and trying to advocate for him hurts my mamas heart. When I made my decision , I felt more peace, it felt right. I also hope that forgiving him in person helps me move on. It's like I have unfinished business. And it's likely he'll die soon, and then I won't have that opportunity. How did his health go down so quick? He is reaping what he sowed all those years of overindulgence in alcohol and poor eating. He lost a lot of weight when he entered prison, had a heart attack, had a stent put in. Then about 6 months ago he began to have strokes, each one taking away more. The prison he started out in did not have facilities to take care of a patient in a ventilator and G tube so they transferred him to the state pen which is for worse criminals. Except for the nurses, it is inmates who care for him. My dd has come. And found him all bruised up. She's seen the nurse pick up tubing off the floor and reattach it to his peg. He's spelled out to her which nurse is cruel in the was she handles him. And what I have learned from more than one person is that is typical. Yes, when he was in the hospital and rehab center, he was treated well. I am no longer in therapy, but I can go back if I feel I need it. I am seriously considering it. I will be going with dd, as she is familiar with communicating with him. Also she's familiar with the routine for visits. As XH can't come to the visiting area, we will have to be escorted through the inside of the prison, past many cells, to where his room is. DD is very supportive of me, and there was is nothing I can't say in front of her. Did I miss any questions? Thank you again for the encouragement. Please update us when you go. And if you feel the pull to get back into counseling, follow it. Can you see the same therapist you already have an established relationship with? I know it may feel a bit awkward but please ask a friend to go with you. I suggest you not go with your daughter. You need someone there just for you. I am keeping you in my prayers. Forgiveness is far more for the person that was injured than the perpetrator. Just remember once a manipulator, always a manipulator. We have your back. Send me a message if you need to process the visit. I will pray angels will surround you in your visit.
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 3:50:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 12:53:12 GMT
You are an incredibly kind person. Not many would try to do this. We hope it helps you as well as your dd and ex.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Dec 19, 2015 12:59:47 GMT
You are an amazingly strong, compassionate woman. I pray that offering forgiveness will benefit you and give you peace.
I haven't read all of the replies, but I urge you to go to a counseling appointment before you go - I think this will help prepare you to be stronger when you go, and prepared for whatever response/reaction he has. I definitely think you need counseling after you go to process seeing him again.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Dec 19, 2015 14:55:43 GMT
You are incredibly brave. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.
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back to *pea*ality
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Dec 19, 2015 22:07:44 GMT
I remember all that you went through. You are strong and brave and I hope it brings you peace.
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Post by anniefb on Dec 19, 2015 22:15:47 GMT
Just want to echo that you're incredibly strong and brave to do this. Prayers for you and your DD.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Feb 18, 2016 8:34:21 GMT
Short update in OP
Prison rules won't let me visit him
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AllieC
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Post by AllieC on Feb 18, 2016 9:07:51 GMT
Thank you for updating. I am sorry that this hasnt worked up as you had hoped. I think writing a letter (although not the same) may still bring some peace to you.
You are a very brave and forgiving person. Hugs to you.
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Post by christine58 on Feb 18, 2016 10:54:51 GMT
DD and I went through all the work of signing me up and providing I D for background checks, and then later we heard back that there's a rule against victims of violent crime visiting the prisoners. I am happy they have this rule. Write him a letter....keep yourself safe
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Peamac
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Refupea # 418
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Post by Peamac on Feb 18, 2016 14:26:41 GMT
Can you call him or skype with him? That way you'll be able to tell him you forgive him, without having to write a letter.
ETA- If he's still doing so poorly, can you ask if there's a way they can bend the rules for you?
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Post by shevy on Feb 18, 2016 18:53:45 GMT
lesserknownpea
Probation/Parole Agent here...he cannot have any contact with you, by mail, phone or through third party. So he shouldn't be sending messages through your daughter either. No social media or anything. He could get in trouble for that.
I suggest that you find a counselor who can help you come up with a safe plan of reconnecting with him. Then you can have a clear idea of what to do it the best happens, or the worst happens and you have support afterwards. Once you're ready, the counselor, you and your ex's prison caseworker can come up with a plan of how to modify the no contact order to allow for what's best for YOU. You and you alone. Do not worry about him. He has the opportunity for counseling in there as well and if he was really into getting better, he'd be working that counseling hard. He's manipulating your daughter and you and you need plans in place to help you both.
I've done this job for 23 years, please trust me when I say this. If you want more information or to talk, send me a private message here and I'll give you my phone number.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Feb 19, 2016 9:23:52 GMT
lesserknownpea
Probation/Parole Agent here...he cannot have any contact with you, by mail, phone or through third party. So he shouldn't be sending messages through your daughter either. No social media or anything. He could get in trouble for that.
I suggest that you find a counselor who can help you come up with a safe plan of reconnecting with him. Then you can have a clear idea of what to do it the best happens, or the worst happens and you have support afterwards. Once you're ready, the counselor, you and your ex's prison caseworker can come up with a plan of how to modify the no contact order to allow for what's best for YOU. You and you alone. Do not worry about him. He has the opportunity for counseling in there as well and if he was really into getting better, he'd be working that counseling hard. He's manipulating your daughter and you and you need plans in place to help you both.
I've done this job for 23 years, please trust me when I say this. If you want more information or to talk, send me a private message here and I'll give you my phone number. Honestly, I really appreciate your post. You have the experience and objectivity I lack. Thank you.
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Post by Really Red on Feb 19, 2016 10:20:44 GMT
Wow. You have been through so much. I think shevy 's advice is really good and hope you take it. I'm feeling you need the closure as well. I hope whatever happens works out best for you.
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scrappert
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Post by scrappert on Feb 19, 2016 13:41:20 GMT
Thank you for the update. I hope you will contact shevy and she can help you get what you need. It sucks that this did not work out, but I can see why they have these rules in place.
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 19, 2016 20:30:06 GMT
Oh, I am sorry it worked out this way. Maybe it is for the best.
I'm glad you posted. I have been wondering how it went for you.
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Post by pattipea on Feb 19, 2016 23:22:38 GMT
lesserknownpea - I'm sure it took a great deal for you to finally get to the point where you believed you were ready to see him. I'm sorry it didn't work out how you had imagined/hoped it would, but undoubtedly, TPTB have lots of experience, and good reason, for the rules that prevent situations like that. I think shevy had some great words of wisdom. Thank you for your update - I have thought of you a few times since your original post.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2016 6:31:28 GMT
shevy: You had amazing advice in this very tough situation. Excellent.
lesserknownpea: I, too, am in awe of your strength and determination. I understand forgiving someone in your heart so that you don't hold onto any hatred, which is good for you. HOWEVER, I doubt that I could be as supportive or caring towards *anyone* who has physically or mentally hurt me to the point of being jailed. I have been brutally raped and even if that had been my husband, he'd be cut out of my life and probably wouldn't be seeing our daughter in fear that she'd think DV is eventually okay. Maybe it's still my own fears and PTSD (and I have gone to therapy for it), but I wonder if you'd be as willing to see him if it weren't for your daughter. Is this all for her? I do pray that you get the help and support you need, because he is probably getting what he needs there, despite what he tells your daughter. I do hope that he is truly sorry for what he's done to you. I hope that your daughter gets any help that she needs in this scenario too, and that you all figure out the answers to the issues with the ex. I wish you the best and admire your strength.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Feb 21, 2016 7:24:10 GMT
shevy: You had amazing advice in this very tough situation. Excellent. lesserknownpea: I, too, am in awe of your strength and determination. I understand forgiving someone in your heart so that you don't hold onto any hatred, which is good for you. HOWEVER, I doubt that I could be as supportive or caring towards *anyone* who has physically or mentally hurt me to the point of being jailed. I have been brutally raped and even if that had been my husband, he'd be cut out of my life and probably wouldn't be seeing our daughter in fear that she'd think DV is eventually okay. Maybe it's still my own fears and PTSD (and I have gone to therapy for it), but I wonder if you'd be as willing to see him if it weren't for your daughter. Is this all for her? I do pray that you get the help and support you need, because he is probably getting what he needs there, despite what he tells your daughter. I do hope that he is truly sorry for what he's done to you. I hope that your daughter gets any help that she needs in this scenario too, and that you all figure out the answers to the issues with the ex. I wish you the best and admire your strength. You're very right, a lot of it is/was because of how upset DD is. Frankly, if I could keep her away, I would. Of all my kids, she's the easiest to manipulate, and the one to take it all on herself. I guess shes she's the most like me i have tried to get to get her into therapy, but she's not willing so far. Im sorry for the rape you also endured. I will say, it's more complicated when it's someone you still had love for, who you spent your whole adult life with, and shared 4 children with. Im very grateful that the counsellors at the Sexual Assault Resource Center were so familiar with domestic violence, and it's many sided fallout. Thanks for for your comment!
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Feb 21, 2016 15:45:18 GMT
(((Hugs))) I'm sorry it didn't work out like you thought it should, because you were thinking it would help your daughter. However, these rules were put in place for your protection, and it seems like that's what's going on here.
You are a strong survivor, I have admired your courage and perseverance since I read your story. I hope that your daughter will take advantage of counseling, and she can also begin to heal.
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