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Post by alexa11 on Jan 1, 2016 1:17:52 GMT
I didn't read the responses, but IMO her little butt needs to go to bed. Or read/watch TV quietly in her room. She is NOT an adult!!!
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Post by bostonmama on Jan 1, 2016 1:27:48 GMT
I didn't read the responses, but IMO her little butt needs to go to bed. Or read/watch TV quietly in her room. She is NOT an adult!!! This is my point. Your kids can stay up all night long if they want, but there's nothing wrong with having adult's only time after, say, 9pm. I love my kids, but I am DONE being 'mom' by then. Even if I didn't want to play spicy card games or drink or whatever, I would still want some separation by then. To the person who says you no longer get 'adult time' when they get older -- why not? It's a choice not to have boundaries with your kids. Stay up till midnight if you want, my little 14yr old, but after 10 you need to go find somewhere else to hang.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 1, 2016 1:44:03 GMT
I like the idea of announcing that the adults are removing themselves to another area to play adult games as opposed to wishing and/hinting that mom should remove 11 year old. At the same time, I'm also in the camp that sees this as family time. I don't think I've ever had adult-only time with my siblings. One-on-one, yes, but not in a group setting. We don't travel together as a family, and we all live close together, so there are differences. But even at that, it sounds like you are still getting more "adult time" with your family than I get. And that's ok with me. It's just a matter of family dynamics. I'd love to play CAH with my family, we are all very funny and twisted, but that is never going to be a reality for us. The big, inclusive family gathering is worth it to me. This is exactly how I feel. Adult time just isn't an expectation of a family gathering for me. Family gathering equals family time. Kids are part of the family. It would never even occur to me to want/expect separate adult time. But understand that not everyone feels the same way. However, since some family members are happy to have the child hang out with you(though I do understand that she is probably old enough to stay up later than the others)-you have 3 choices as I see it: Continue as you have done Do adult games and let the chips fall Go to another room with adults only I might have missed an option-and I apologize if I did. Decide what you want to do-and good luck!
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jan 1, 2016 1:48:36 GMT
I didn't read the responses, but IMO her little butt needs to go to bed. Or read/watch TV quietly in her room. She is NOT an adult!!! This is my point. Your kids can stay up all night long if they want, but there's nothing wrong with having adult's only time after, say, 9pm. I love my kids, but I am DONE being 'mom' by then. Even if I didn't want to play spicy card games or drink or whatever, I would still want some separation by then. To the person who says you no longer get 'adult time' when they get older -- why not? It's a choice not to have boundaries with your kids. Stay up till midnight if you want, my little 14yr old, but after 10 you need to go find somewhere else to hang. It's not that you don't get adult time, it's that it might not be the same as it is when they are 2 and go to bed at 8:00 and you don't hear from them until the next morning. If they are staying up later, whether at your house or when you are on vacation, they are still around the house later. Even if they go to their rooms at 9:30, that is still not as much "me" time as you would have if they are in bed at 8:00. Hope that makes sense.
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Post by cyndijane on Jan 1, 2016 1:59:01 GMT
I have a 13 yr old niece who is an only child, and has acted as if she's 25 since she was 11. I can't stand it. I have cut conversations short when she'll walk in and start asking questions and offering advice, etc. I get that my SIL treats her that way, but she's often rude, and frequently oversteps boundaries.
I was the oldest cousin by several years, so I get wanting to hang with the adults, but there as always a point when my parents says, go now, we're having adult time.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 1, 2016 2:07:16 GMT
I have a 13 yr old niece who is an only child, and has acted as if she's 25 since she was 11. I can't stand it. I have cut conversations short when she'll walk in and start asking questions and offering advice, etc. I get that my SIL treats her that way, but she's often rude, and frequently oversteps boundaries. I was the oldest cousin by several years, so I get wanting to hang with the adults, but there as always a point when my parents says, go now, we're having adult time. And there's nothing wrong with this. It really boils down to-what do the majority of adults want? Like someone said, if some of you want to get away from a child and the parents are clueless, go to another room.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 1, 2016 5:25:43 GMT
I guess I don't understand the point of going on a *family* vacation if you feel that way. To me the purpose of going on a family vacation is to spend time with family. Kids are part of the family. When 90% of the waking hours on family vacations are spent in kid-friendly and kid-focused activities, it seems COMPLETELY reasonable to have an 'after 9 is adults only' policy. We have one kid, she goes pretty much everywhere we do. She has always been a night owl, so I could see where this could someday be our problem too since all of our friends and most of our family had their kids 15-25 years or more ago and there are NO other kids her age in the group we hang out with. She is used to being around adults and for the most part they don't mind her being around which we appreciate. Within reason. That said, we might make some small concessions for her in that kind of situation and let her stay up a little later than usual. But as her parents we absolutely would figure out something else for her to do either in her room or elsewhere in the house where she wouldn't be constantly listening in or underfoot, even if it meant one of us had to miss out on some of that grown up interaction. As much as I love my kid, I don't need to be entertaining her 24/7, even on vacation, and I certainly wouldn't expect other people to have to put up with her all day and night either. It's exhausting caring for young children all day long and being on vacation doesn't change that fact (and probably makes it worse). It it stands to reason that the parents of the younger kids in the family NEED to have some non-kid time to decompress at the end of the day and it's pretty selfish on the part of the one older kid's parents to not respect that.
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Post by Belia on Jan 1, 2016 6:04:26 GMT
This has been a very interesting thread, but I think most everyone is missing the boat.
It doesn't matter what SIL *should* be doing, or what our parents did when we were growing up, or what we would do in this situation. The reality is... SIL is fine with the 11-year-old being considered one of the adults. She hasn't taken any of your hints about wanting adult-only time. You can't change her or make her parent differently.
All you can do is change yourself. So I would invite the other adults to an adult-only location to do adult-only things, and carry on. If the 11-year-old shows up, politely tell her that your space and your activity is for adults only. Or, I would just suck it up for this week that you are together and come to terms with the fact that for the next couple of years, this is how it is going to be.
SIL has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't see this as a problem. So stop thinking of ways to get her to change her mind or act differently. She won't.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 1, 2016 15:28:19 GMT
So if I read you right, niece is 11? I agree that she should not be allowed to hang out with the adults. If none of the remedies suggested by the Peas work, at least you know the SIL in question will have the over-entitled teen from hell to punish her for punishing you Side issue---can others see the photobucket ad included in this post? How the heck can I make it go away? From time to time this appears in many threads here, and then it goes away for a week or so and then appears again.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 1, 2016 18:03:24 GMT
This has been a very interesting thread, but I think most everyone is missing the boat. It doesn't matter what SIL *should* be doing, or what our parents did when we were growing up, or what we would do in this situation. The reality is... SIL is fine with the 11-year-old being considered one of the adults. She hasn't taken any of your hints about wanting adult-only time. You can't change her or make her parent differently. All you can do is change yourself. So I would invite the other adults to an adult-only location to do adult-only things, and carry on. If the 11-year-old shows up, politely tell her that your space and your activity is for adults only. Or, I would just suck it up for this week that you are together and come to terms with the fact that for the next couple of years, this is how it is going to be. SIL has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't see this as a problem. So stop thinking of ways to get her to change her mind or act differently. She won't. I'd only add that your other choice is to not share vacations/houses with them. If all the pea validation about what a brat your niece is makes you feel better - great - but I can assure you it won't make a bit of difference to your situation. The easiest way to ensure the adult time you clearly crave is to not share a house with other families with kids. If you set out trying to dictate how your SIL parents her child, it's not going to go over well.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jan 1, 2016 18:26:17 GMT
When we did family gatherings like this we were the ones with the kid that always wanted to stay up. We usually always put her to bed no later than 9 ish but when we told her it was time to go to bed she went. She did love playing games and could play the card games we played. we really didn't play "adult games" we usually played mexican train or four aces or poker.
If it helps to make a rule for all kids to be in bed or at least their rooms by a certain time every night. It might make it easier for the kid that wants to stay up go to bed easier.
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Post by epeanymous on Jan 1, 2016 18:35:15 GMT
You know, this is one of many reasons why I don't share space with family on vacation. Everyone has their own ideas about what is reasonable and is absolutely convinced that their way is the right way. Often the "obvious right way" is colored by the ages of any kids involved, whether or not people are childless, and how well people remember what it is like to have little kids/can empathize with what it is like to have older kids. Your SIL's oldest may be irritating you by staying up late. Your little kids may be driving your SIL nuts at the table. Even people with kids the same age have different opinions and experiences. My kids stay up later than other kids but will sleep through a freight train running through the living room. My nieces and nephews go to bed earlier, but wake up at any noise, so once they are in bed their parents expect quiet. Now, who is right there? The parents who send their kids to bed at 7:30, so they are out of everyone's hair, but need everyone to be quiet from then forward? Or the parents who let their kids stay up until 9:00+ on vacation, but there is no expectation that people be quiet either before or after they go to bed?
Answer: neither.
Anyhow, I get the need for adult time. I also, as someone who has an older set of kids who are teens/Tweens and a younger set that are 0-5, know the differences in how it feels to parent each. When I have taken trips with just the oldest, I don't need me time or adult time; when I have just the younger kids, I am counting the moments until bedtime once the clock hits 7:00. I hope your family can work something out that makes everyone happy -- I would just try to approach it as "how do we make it so that we can all get what we want out of this time together," rather than "how do we correct SIL who lets her oldest walk all over her."
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Post by mlynn on Jan 1, 2016 21:11:44 GMT
Since the 11 year old has been doing this for 3 years, why not try letting the two 8 year olds stay up, too. SIL may see it differently when it isn't just her special snowflake that is staying up. After all, this is just following her lead. Plus it will offer younger companionship for the 11 year old. And it will not seem as much a privilege to the 11 year old.
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