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Post by laureljean on Jul 31, 2014 23:33:13 GMT
What do you think of a long time (30 plus years) married couple deciding to have separate bedrooms? Would you think the marriage is in trouble? Would it seem like a strange arrangement?
Just wondering, based on some feedback I'm getting from friends and relatives. DH and I have recently moved to having our own bedrooms, by mutual agreement.
DH finds the bed in the master bedroom uncomfortable and frankly, I don't miss the snoring. One of us is a neatnik and the other a bit on the messy side, so there is a lot less complaining. We have an "open door" policy and "visit" on a regular basis.
Still, we are being told that this is bad for our marriage. Is there something we are missing? Seems like a win-win to me, but others disagree (not that it matters, really).
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 21:02:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2014 23:36:59 GMT
I think that's something only the couple knows. In some cases, sure, it's a sign of trouble. But in others, no. If you are both getting better sleep and the relationship isn't suffering in other ways - decreased intimacy, communication, etc. - then who gives a rat's ass what anyone else thinks?
We haven't done it, but we've thought about it. DH works evening hours and gets home quite late - about 1-2 AM. Though he does his best to be quiet getting in bed, I'm a light sleeper and he often wakes me. I get up at 5 AM and usually don't accidentally wake him, but sometimes I do. We probably both would be a lot better rested if we slept in separate rooms!
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 21:02:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2014 23:38:51 GMT
I work second shift, my husband works a traditional shift. We have had separate rooms for years. I'm a night owl he isn't, I snore, he likes a ton of blankets, etc. It works for us and that is all that matters. I think people need to understand not every situation works for every couple and that is okay.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
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Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Jul 31, 2014 23:38:55 GMT
Been married 33 years and we have had separate bedrooms for about 10 years. He snores and I have trouble sleeping. Works for us. My parents have been married 55 years and have separate bedrooms. Works for them.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 31, 2014 23:41:26 GMT
Eh people offer unsolicited advice on everything. If it works for you, who cares. It would only work for us if we changed our habit of chatting in bed. It seems like often it's the only time we connect without kids around.
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Post by stampinbetsy on Jul 31, 2014 23:44:59 GMT
I've come across older couples who don't share a room. I don't think it necessarily means anything.
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Post by gillyp on Jul 31, 2014 23:47:20 GMT
We've been married over 40 years and slept in separate rooms for more than the last two. One of us is an insomniac, the other can sleep on a line. One of us needs an electric blanket on most nights whatever the season, the other sleeps with the window open. One of us needs a firm bed, the other a soft one. I get up for work before 7 and I don't have to creep around so as not to disturb DH and I can wander in and out of my room whenever I want with washing, to tidy etc. again without disturbing him. Total win win.
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jul 31, 2014 23:47:27 GMT
We do and a few things have contributed to it. His snoring is a big one. Also, he travels all the time. In the early years, I started falling asleep w/the TV on. It comforted me. Now I have trouble sleeping w/out it. He can't sleep w/it. And, over the years, we've both gotten used to sleeping alone most of the time, so we just do.
Like pp's said, every couple has their reasons and every couple is different. I'm guessing there are plenty of unhappy marriages where they are sharing a bed.
I say give it a try and if you find it's hurting your relationship, revisit the topic and you may decide to go back to sharing a bed. For us, sleeping separately works for now.
FWIW, we'v been married 23 years.
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Jul 31, 2014 23:49:00 GMT
DH and I joke about winter being "housemate" season because it seems like one or the other of us is so often sick, so someone's retreated to the guest room. I don't think it's good for our relationship really, but it's how we keep at least one well all the time. He's gone every 3rd night anyway, so we already have forced separate locations those nights.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 31, 2014 23:49:56 GMT
If you're both happily married then who cares where you sleep as long as you're both in agreement and everyone is getting enough rest and enough attention from their spouse. If it works for you both then be glad you found a solution and enjoy a good night's sleep.
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Post by hollymolly on Jul 31, 2014 23:53:27 GMT
I know several couples in healthy marriages who had separate bedrooms for years. Personally, I loved sleeping beside my husband, so it would not have been mutual for me. But if you are both more comfortable, I don't see how it's a bad thing. Ignore feedback from family and friends. It's not their business.
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MaryC
Full Member
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Jun 25, 2014 21:52:55 GMT
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Post by MaryC on Jul 31, 2014 23:53:54 GMT
I think both spouses getting a good night's sleep is probably healthier for your marriage in the long run than being sleep-deprived and grumpy because your partner snores or prefers to sleep in a deep freeze.
My sister and her husband have had separate bedrooms for years because she can only sleep with a fan blowing on her, and they are coming up on their 60th wedding anniversary.
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Post by Penellopy on Jul 31, 2014 23:54:19 GMT
We have done this for years. He stays up late, I get up early. He is always cold. I am always hot. The only thing lacking is sleeping miserably in the same bed. I say whatever works! We are both more rested sleeping in separate rooms.
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back to *pea*ality
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 31, 2014 23:57:38 GMT
We've been married 30 years. No working/shift issues. We sleep in the same room because it works for us. I don't think not sleeping in the same room is a sign of marital issues. There are plenty of rooms on the house for marital bliss! Sleeping is necessary for good health - not really anyone else's business.
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Post by KikiPea on Jul 31, 2014 23:58:51 GMT
My parents have separate rooms and have for years. My dad used to work nights and had sleep apnea (And they had a waterbed). When he would come home, he would wake up my mom and she couldn't go back to sleep. So, dad moved into my brother's room after he moved out over 20 years ago.
They have been married for 43 years and are doing just fine. So, no I wouldn't automatically think there were problems in the marriage.
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Post by snappinsami on Aug 1, 2014 0:03:25 GMT
My parents have been married for almost 52 years and have had separate bedrooms for almost 20 of them. My dad goes to sleep early and gets up before dawn. My mom stays up late. Dad has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP machine; mom hates the noise. For them, it works great. If it works for you and makes things better overall, go for it. That's one of the advantages of being a grown-up... You get to make the decisions based on what YOU want, not what other people think.
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stittsygirl
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Post by stittsygirl on Aug 1, 2014 0:05:32 GMT
We're going on 11 years that we haven't shared a room. We both just sleep better that way, and our 20- year marriage is fine. As long as both partners agree that it will be beneficial, and there are no hurt feelings on one side, I don't see any problem with it (obviously ).
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Post by padresfan619 on Aug 1, 2014 0:06:51 GMT
I think it is fine, especially if being in the same room is worsening the quality of life of one or both of the people in the marriage. I am also a huge advocate of separate bathrooms! Maybe someday I will have that joy, for now we only have our master bath and a small powder room.
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 1, 2014 0:31:28 GMT
I have to admit I got used to sleeping alone while my husband traveled for work. I prefer it now, and the nights he sleeps in his office are the nights I sleep better.
But some people can't stand the idea of sleeping apart. I get that. It's just that I am always hot all night and he snores and he hates the way I tuck in the sheets (he likes no top sheet and a blanket to wad up around himself). Also he gets up at 5 and I don't.
So if he is going to sleep elsewhere he will stay with me till I fall asleep and then go settle in. I love it.
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Post by carolynhasacat on Aug 1, 2014 0:39:05 GMT
I have a friend who has always slept separately from her DH, even when they were 'hot and heavy' in their 20s. They are the most affectionate couple I know, they just sleep better apart, no apologies. I think it's more common among night owl + morning lark couples than we think, they just don't talk about it.
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Post by happyOCgirl on Aug 1, 2014 0:41:56 GMT
My Grandparents took naps everyday in separate twin beds in the same bedroom! Cracked all of us up. My parents will go into one of the other bedrooms to sleep for a variety of reasons...none of them have to do with them not getting along. I don't think it's a big deal and you'll be much happier since you got a great night's sleep!!
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Post by Yoki on Aug 1, 2014 0:46:53 GMT
My DH & I have been married for 17 years & sleeping apart for 11 of them. He snores and I'm the lightest sleeper ever. Sometimes we miss the comfort of sleeping together but we are both much happier getting a good night sleep. I love to travel but hate the crappy sleep I get when we share a hotel room. I'm always so glad to get back to my quiet bedroom and I'm sure he's glad that I'm not poking him all night long telling him to roll over.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 1, 2014 0:48:15 GMT
I think it all depends on the couple and their reasons for doing so. It is no one else's business. I slept in the same room with my ex. We had a great sex life. He cheated and we divorced. So see, sleeping together isn't necessarily a sign of a good marriage any more than sleeping apart is a sign of a bad one. I think the key is that both people are in agreement and happy with the arrangements.
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Post by laureljean on Aug 1, 2014 0:50:03 GMT
Thanks for all the responses. I'm feeling validated.
We do get along better now that we have our own sleeping space. I guess that's what getting a good night's sleep will do for you.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 1, 2014 0:50:46 GMT
I have a lot of friends who have separate bedrooms. They seem to think it's completely normal. If it works for them, that all the better. You make your own choice and don't worry about what people think
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Post by *Scrapper*Stamper* on Aug 1, 2014 0:51:12 GMT
I have already told my husband that if our relationship EVER reaches that status, I am GONE!!!!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 1, 2014 0:52:55 GMT
If your marriage is in trouble, no amount of sleeping in the same room is going to cure that.
Just do whatever works for the both of you, and tell everyone else to mind their own beeswax.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 1, 2014 0:54:15 GMT
Honestly...it's no one's business. If you are both ok with it (and the visits...LOL continue) I wouldn't give a flying fig what anyone else thought.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 0:57:40 GMT
There are so many reasons why two people may not want to share a bed, I would not judge them or their relationship.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 1, 2014 1:02:23 GMT
I don't think it's odd at all. I met the husband of a couple who once owned our previous home. he stopped by just to see his old house and I invited him in to see how it had changed through a couple of subsequent owners. when we got to the guest room, he told me it was his bedroom and the master bedroom was his wife's. he told me he liked to read at night and she didn't like the light being on. so, they decided to have separate bedrooms. some of my older neighbors have separate rooms. my ILs have separate rooms.
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