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Post by joylynaroundthebnd on May 17, 2016 19:18:25 GMT
Thank you for all the responses.
My sister and I let her stay home. To answer a few questions, my dad passed away in his sleep in March 2015. All my life my mother has said she does not want to be a burden to her children. We have tried every argument mentioned in the posts, but she can be very stubborn. We try very hard to let her be independent and sometimes it is hard. Today was hard, because yesterday she was so excited about going tonight. Today, she dug in her heels and so we let her stay home. It won't be long before she cannot drive anymore and she knows that.
We also know that pushing her to do something when she gets in this mood will only make her angry and accomplish nothing.
In 1990, the retina in her right eye tore and could not be repaired. The cataracts in her left eye are getting really bad.
The doctors have told her since she had a retina tear, there is a 90% chance of a tear when they try to remove the cataracts. We are not pushing the surgery, because we understand her fear (and maybe it is our fear as well) that she will not regain her vision.
Maybe she is manipulating us, I never looked at it that way. She was my best friend and it is difficult to see her become a totally different person.
Sorry to ramble on, but thank you for your advice and encouragement.
****
My mother has limited vision and relies on my sister and I to take her to family events not held at her house and school events for my niece and nephew. We each live 20 – 30 minutes from her depending on traffic. For weeknight events, my sister picks her up (it is on her way) and I take her home. I take her home, because my sister’s day starts earlier than mine does and it is not a big deal for me to be out later. I am usually home by 10:00pm.
A few months ago, Mother started making comments about being “traded” around. So, my sister and I agreed that whoever picks her up takes her home. This is fine with us and has worked for several months.
My niece is a senior in high school and tonight is Senior Awards night. She is receiving an award, her counselor made a comment that she needed to be there because someone is coming to present an award to her.
This afternoon, Mother tells my sister she does not want to go, because it is “too much of a burden” for us to pick her up and take her home. No matter how much we assure her it is not a burden and we enjoy spending that time with her, she still feels bad because this is her life now that my dad is gone.
I am so frustrated and sad that she will not be there to see the award presentation. My sister and I are emailing and I do not know if she mentioned how disappointed my niece will be if she is not there.
No matter how much we assure her it is not a burden and we enjoy spending that time with her, she still feels bad because this is her life now that my dad is gone.
Other than using my niece's feelings a leverage, do the Peas have any other suggestions?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 18:39:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 19:29:10 GMT
Leave her be. Hopefully she'll realise what she's missing out on and come round.
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snappydog
Full Member
Posts: 171
Sept 11, 2014 22:53:41 GMT
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Post by snappydog on May 17, 2016 19:31:54 GMT
I don't know where you live but does your county have a curb to curb bus service that she could utilize to get her around? I'm sure she's feeling a little isolated and lonely without your dad and this would at least give her options to get around without feeling like a burden.
I have very limited vision and use it often around the community for dr appts, etc.
It gives me independence without paying a ton of money for drivers.
Sandy
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Post by tuva42 on May 17, 2016 19:33:54 GMT
I think I'd let it go.
Though she says she feels like a burden, it might be that she just doesn't want to spend that much time in the car. It could be a long exhausting evening for her. She may not want to say that to you for fear of hurting your feelings.
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Post by Zee on May 17, 2016 19:34:07 GMT
Tell her no one wants to go to her pity party because there are other plans, and you'll be there to pick her up by five (or whatever) so she'd better be ready.
Really, I can't STAND the "I don't want to be a burden, woe is me". When MIL starts that crap we call her out on it immediately.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,749
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on May 17, 2016 19:34:50 GMT
Yes, try to look for senior transportation/taxi. Around her if it is local I think it's on $4 one way- or something close to that. They have passes you can buy, too. So then it can be more in her hands/her decision. She can call service if she wants to go.
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Post by woodysbetty on May 17, 2016 19:36:50 GMT
How about telling her you are planning to stop by anyway in case she changes her mind....if she doesn't no worries, ( and tell her that!!) don't pressure her, or be disappointed, just make it what you do. Hopefully this will help take the the charge out of being picked up for her....this way she knows this is what you want to do and not just because she needs it...good luck!!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 17, 2016 19:39:27 GMT
She is a grown woman and if she still has all her mental faculties, she can choose to go or not go.
To say, "No, I can't go, I'll be a burden...." and somehow make the trip to see your niece's achievement all about her is manipulative.
You can't win in that situation. She is probably depressed. Perhaps you could teach her to use Uber, call a taxi, see if the transit department has a house to destination service, to help give her her independence back.
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Post by epeanymous on May 17, 2016 19:40:39 GMT
How long ago did your father die? Does she have any history or symptoms of depression? I would be a little worried. My aunt took probably five years to get to the point, after her husband's death, that she was having a day to day existence that looked like a life; the transition was very hard on her, and I wonder if your mother is in a similar place.
Honestly, though, I think that with respect to this particular night, you tell her that the family would love to have her there and enjoys spending time with her, but you shouldn't try to guilt her or push her into going.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 17, 2016 19:42:24 GMT
I would flat out ask her if she wants to go. If she says yes, I'd tell her that you will be there at x o'clock to pick her up. If she protests, just say that you would like to see her and that it will mean a lot to her granddaughter. Then move on.
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Post by elaine on May 17, 2016 19:45:38 GMT
She may not feel up for it. Let it go, and/or offer to drop off dinner/dessert on the way to the ceremony. As long as she is there for graduation, I don't think she owes your niece more audience time. With limited vision, she won't even see much from the audience - I'd be bored to tears in her shoes.
Uber might be a great solution for your mom, as she wouldn't ever have to deal with actually exchanging money with the driver - it is all done online.
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Post by hop2 on May 17, 2016 19:47:31 GMT
Either she's getting depressed or she's reacting to loosing her 'independence'. Hopefully you can find a way to break thru to her. I'm sorry your dealing with this. My mom completely checked out after my dad died she had no desire to do anything or go anywhere. We practically had to show up and just insist she go.
I wonder if your mom would get a little 'independance' or something if you help her to use Uber or lyft? I'm sure there's a way you all can pay for it if that's an issue.
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Post by mikklynn on May 17, 2016 20:07:58 GMT
We have a service here called Metro Mobility. My neighbor is legally blind. It picks him up for work and drops him off, all door to door.
Is there something like this she could use to regain some independence?
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,811
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 17, 2016 20:16:02 GMT
You just show up to pick her up and that's that.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222 
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Post by caro on May 17, 2016 20:30:53 GMT
Tell her no one wants to go to her pity party because there are other plans, and you'll be there to pick her up by five (or whatever) so she'd better be ready. Really, I can't STAND the "I don't want to be a burden, woe is me". When MIL starts that crap we call her out on it immediately. I think the elderly truly feel they are a burden to family and friends more often than a pity party. I wonder how I will feel when I can no longer drive and have to depend on others. My mother is there at 91. It's hard on her and it's hard on us even though we love her. |
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Post by elaine on May 17, 2016 20:41:31 GMT
I was recently at a high school awards ceremony because my son was getting an award. It was 90 minutes long and the only things that made it interesting were talking with other parents I knew beforehand, seeing some other kids I knew from throughout the years at school events, and people watching.
I can't imagine how boring it would be if I didn't know anyone - not the other kids, not the parents, not the teachers - and I couldn't people watch because of limited vision.
Why drag her to this if she doesn't want to go? I don't understand why everyone seems to want to drag her there. It is a high school awards ceremony, not graduation.
If this about her celebrating the OP's niece's/the mom's granddaughter's achievement, I think a small family get together someplace where the mom is comfortable is in order. How about out for pizza or ice cream this weekend?
Depression, lack of independence, grieving, etc., all may be issues, but they also may very well have nothing to do with not wanting to attend.
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Post by anniefb on May 17, 2016 20:48:40 GMT
If this about her celebrating the OP's niece's/the mom's granddaughter's achievement, I think a small family get together someplace where the mom is comfortable is in order. How about out for pizza or ice cream this weekend? Depression, lack of independence, grieving, etc., all may be issues, but they also may very well have nothing to do with not wanting to attend. Yeah totally agree. Maybe try and find another way to celebrate the occasion. |
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 18:39:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 21:00:09 GMT
Okay - I feel like I need to step in and clear up a few misconceptions about "limited vision" and about the need to have someone drive you. I've dealt with limited vision for the past decade or more. There are times, like now, where I can drive, at least during the day, but there have been several years that I couldn't drive at all. That did not mean I couldn't participate in things, that I couldn't see things from the audience, and that I couldn't enjoy being a part of things. Limited vision does not mean blind and frankly even legally blind does not mean you can't see. I have two very good friends here that are legally blind and quite limited in their vision (far more than just driving) and they participate in everything - from exercise classes to social and recreational events.
I often need someone to drive me because although I can legally drive during the day, I have good days and bad days. And my night vision is too poor to drive. No one, including my daughter has ever made me feel like a burden and I hope that I return the favor (of them driving) in other ways. However, it DOES suck to be the one that has to say "can I hitch a ride with someone" every single time that we want to go to the movies or an event or to dinner or any other various activity that involves going somewhere further or later than I can drive. It sucks not being the one that can plan on driving (to be clear, I can drive, but I don't know from day to day if I feel comfortable driving based on my vision that day). It's not a pity party. It's the reality of having to depend on other people. There are a lot of times that I would like to meet my daughter somewhere in between our houses to go do something, but it pretty much always involves her driving to pick me up and then back to drop me off. Is it a burden - I suppose sometimes it is. At the very least, I'm sure it's inconvenient at times.
But you know what? I freaking drove her around for 16 years - and then some. And there were times that it was a burden because of my work schedule. Or inconvenient because I could have been grocery shopping, running other errands, or taking a nap when she needed a ride to and from. There were many, many times that she needed a ride at midnight or later (for example when the band had an away game and they returned late). But we did it because that's what family and friends do.
And that's how you need to address it with your mom. Tell her you WANT her there. It's not a burden - it's payback for all she did for you and your sister when you were growing up. If an event gets over late, suggest she stay all night so that she doesn't feel like you are dropping her off and then having to drive home tired.
I probably have more to say but words like "pity party" and "won't be able to see anyway" and "woe is me" are uncalled for. Unless you live with limited vision on a day to day basis, you don't even know how it impacts your day to day life in ways that people with correctable vision will never understand.
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Post by Zee on May 17, 2016 21:08:30 GMT
Tell her no one wants to go to her pity party because there are other plans, and you'll be there to pick her up by five (or whatever) so she'd better be ready. Really, I can't STAND the "I don't want to be a burden, woe is me". When MIL starts that crap we call her out on it immediately. I think the elderly truly feel they are a burden to family and friends more often than a pity party. I wonder how I will feel when I can no longer drive and have to depend on others. My mother is there at 91. It's hard on her and it's hard on us even though we love her. Well, I guess you can feel sorry for yourself or you can join in the party you were invited to. No patience with this, I admit. It's annoying. Lucky for me my mom feels the same way about it. |
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Post by elaine on May 17, 2016 21:15:47 GMT
Okay - I feel like I need to step in and clear up a few misconceptions about "limited vision" and about the need to have someone drive you. I've dealt with limited vision for the past decade or more. There are times, like now, where I can drive, at least during the day, but there have been several years that I couldn't drive at all. That did not mean I couldn't participate in things, that I couldn't see things from the audience, and that I couldn't enjoy being a part of things. Limited vision does not mean blind and frankly even legally blind does not mean you can't see. I have two very good friends here that are legally blind and quite limited in their vision (far more than just driving) and they participate in everything - from exercise classes to social and recreational events. I often need someone to drive me because although I can legally drive during the day, I have good days and bad days. And my night vision is too poor to drive. No one, including my daughter has ever made me feel like a burden and I hope that I return the favor (of them driving) in other ways. However, it DOES suck to be the one that has to say "can I hitch a ride with someone" every single time that we want to go to the movies or an event or to dinner or any other various activity that involves going somewhere further or later than I can drive. It sucks not being the one that can plan on driving (to be clear, I can drive, but I don't know from day to day if I feel comfortable driving based on my vision that day). It's not a pity party. It's the reality of having to depend on other people. There are a lot of times that I would like to meet my daughter somewhere in between our houses to go do something, but it pretty much always involves her driving to pick me up and then back to drop me off. Is it a burden - I suppose sometimes it is. At the very least, I'm sure it's inconvenient at times. But you know what? I freaking drove her around for 16 years - and then some. And there were times that it was a burden because of my work schedule. Or inconvenient because I could have been grocery shopping, running other errands, or taking a nap when she needed a ride to and from. There were many, many times that she needed a ride at midnight or later (for example when the band had an away game and they returned late). But we did it because that's what family and friends do. And that's how you need to address it with your mom. Tell her you WANT her there. It's not a burden - it's payback for all she did for you and your sister when you were growing up. If an event gets over late, suggest she stay all night so that she doesn't feel like you are dropping her off and then having to drive home tired. I probably have more to say but words like "pity party" and "won't be able to see anyway" and "woe is me" are uncalled for. Unless you live with limited vision on a day to day basis, you don't even know how it impacts your day to day life in ways that people with correctable vision will never understand. I had very limited vision from November through the end of April - no driving, etc. So, I get that, believe me. Having to have a friend take me grocery shopping each week, etc. I also know that I didn't see much up on stage at the various school events I went to with my boys. Her and your mileage may vary - I certainly wouldn't have gone unless it was for my own kids. That said, as a longer term solution for future events, I love your way of looking at it.  If only my boys could drive, I would would try to approach relying on them from your viewpoint. |
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 18:39:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 21:21:19 GMT
Okay - I feel like I need to step in and clear up a few misconceptions about "limited vision" and about the need to have someone drive you. I've dealt with limited vision for the past decade or more. There are times, like now, where I can drive, at least during the day, but there have been several years that I couldn't drive at all. That did not mean I couldn't participate in things, that I couldn't see things from the audience, and that I couldn't enjoy being a part of things. Limited vision does not mean blind and frankly even legally blind does not mean you can't see. I have two very good friends here that are legally blind and quite limited in their vision (far more than just driving) and they participate in everything - from exercise classes to social and recreational events. I often need someone to drive me because although I can legally drive during the day, I have good days and bad days. And my night vision is too poor to drive. No one, including my daughter has ever made me feel like a burden and I hope that I return the favor (of them driving) in other ways. However, it DOES suck to be the one that has to say "can I hitch a ride with someone" every single time that we want to go to the movies or an event or to dinner or any other various activity that involves going somewhere further or later than I can drive. It sucks not being the one that can plan on driving (to be clear, I can drive, but I don't know from day to day if I feel comfortable driving based on my vision that day). It's not a pity party. It's the reality of having to depend on other people. There are a lot of times that I would like to meet my daughter somewhere in between our houses to go do something, but it pretty much always involves her driving to pick me up and then back to drop me off. Is it a burden - I suppose sometimes it is. At the very least, I'm sure it's inconvenient at times. But you know what? I freaking drove her around for 16 years - and then some. And there were times that it was a burden because of my work schedule. Or inconvenient because I could have been grocery shopping, running other errands, or taking a nap when she needed a ride to and from. There were many, many times that she needed a ride at midnight or later (for example when the band had an away game and they returned late). But we did it because that's what family and friends do. And that's how you need to address it with your mom. Tell her you WANT her there. It's not a burden - it's payback for all she did for you and your sister when you were growing up. If an event gets over late, suggest she stay all night so that she doesn't feel like you are dropping her off and then having to drive home tired. I probably have more to say but words like "pity party" and "won't be able to see anyway" and "woe is me" are uncalled for. Unless you live with limited vision on a day to day basis, you don't even know how it impacts your day to day life in ways that people with correctable vision will never understand. . So, I get that, believe me. Having to have a friend take me grocery shopping each week, etc. I also know that I didn't see much up on stage at the various school events I went to with my boys. Her and your mileage may vary - I certainly wouldn't have gone unless it was for my own kids. That said, as a longer term solution for future events, I love your way of looking at it. If only my boys could drive, I would would try to approach relying on them from your viewpoint. I know and that's why it surprised me that you would make that comment. That you wouldn't be a little more sympathetic to someone in that situation. But your situation, although probably more limiting than most, was temporary. You could isolate yourself from things that you couldn't see unless it was a once in a lifetime event because you knew that they would come around again. And it was all new to your friends and family to support you by taking you places, etc., but when it's permanent, you do get a feeling of calling in favors or being a burden - without any end in site. When someone knows you've just had surgery (or whatever the case) there is a lot of support so you don't have to ask, but when it becomes a permanent thing, people forget that you are limited in one way or another. It's easy to forget when it's not noticeable - I've met several Peas and I doubt that any of them realized (other than just knowing from things I've said) that my vision is limited and that I don't always see things properly. I have limited peripheral vision and I walk into people and things, store lighting is hard for me and dark stores and movie theaters and restaurants can be a nightmare, etc. I can't read the menu board at restaurants that have it posted and I always have to look for a paper menu. But those aren't things that jump out at people to remind them that I'm limited by my vision because I don't "look" like I have a problem seeing. I always hate going anywhere without my husband because he knows how to tell me that a step is coming or to casually pull me out of the way from a branch or pole coming up on my side that I wouldn't see. |
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Post by elaine on May 17, 2016 21:39:12 GMT
I had very limited vision from November through the end of April - no driving, etc. So, I get that, believe me. Having to have a friend take me grocery shopping each week, etc. I also know that I didn't see much up on stage at the various school events I went to with my boys. Her and your mileage may vary - I certainly wouldn't have gone unless it was for my own kids. That said, as a longer term solution for future events, I love your way of looking at it. If only my boys could drive, I would would try to approach relying on them from your viewpoint. I know and that's why it surprised me that you would make that comment. That you wouldn't be a little more sympathetic to someone in that situation. But your situation, although probably more limiting than most, was temporary. You could isolate yourself from things that you couldn't see unless it was a once in a lifetime event because you knew that they would come around again. And it was all new to your friends and family to support you by taking you places, etc., but when it's permanent, you do get a feeling of calling in favors or being a burden - without any end in site. When someone knows you've just had surgery (or whatever the case) there is a lot of support so you don't have to ask, but when it becomes a permanent thing, people forget that you are limited in one way or another. It's easy to forget when it's not noticeable - I've met several Peas and I doubt that any of them realized (other than just knowing from things I've said) that my vision is limited and that I don't always see things properly. I have limited peripheral vision and I walk into people and things, store lighting is hard for me and dark stores and movie theaters and restaurants can be a nightmare, etc. I can't read the menu board at restaurants that have it posted and I always have to look for a paper menu. But those aren't things that jump out at people to remind them that I'm limited by my vision because I don't "look" like I have a problem seeing. I always hate going anywhere without my husband because he knows how to tell me that a step is coming or to casually pull me out of the way from a branch or pole coming up on my side that I wouldn't see. My vision is still limited and always will be, but at least I can drive during the day. I can't drive from twilight on. Like you, I need a paper menu. I have the jumbo iPad. My peripheral vision in my right eye will never be normal, and that eye doesn't and won't ever have full motion. My immune system has attacked my eye muscles for 18 months straight, and they will never be normal again. Like you, I often trip in public or have issues bumping into people in crowded stores because I don't see them. I am very sympathetic to the mom. If she actually wants to go to this event, the family should facilitate that any way possible. I am not convinced, IN THIS CASE, that the mom even wants to go to the event. The OP read to me that the sister and the OP want the mom to go no matter what, without actually finding out if she even wants to be there. I am probably also projecting my boredom at those types of ceremonies onto her. I have an older parent, who has hearing loss, and that type of event would be much less comfortable for her than a family get together. My approach was to ask what is the purpose of the event? (To celebrate the niece) Then ask, is there another way to do that that might be more appealing to the mom? (If no, then get her to the event. If yes, then do that - pizza, ice cream, brunch, whatever) To me, there are several potentially separate issues in the OP situation that may be being rolled into one. |
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,516
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Post by ellen on May 17, 2016 21:50:14 GMT
Last year I sat through a very long, boring senior awards night. I think I'd give my mom a pass on this one.
eta - There will be a graduation ceremony and I'm assuming a party of some sort, have her go to those instead. It might really be a case where she feels like you and your sister feel obligated to bring her to every single thing and maybe she doesn't feel like she needs to go to everything.
My mom died a couple years ago and my dad is having a very hard time figuring out what kind of life he wants to have without her. He also has some health issues that make it difficult.
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Post by laureljean on May 17, 2016 22:26:54 GMT
Maybe she just doesn't want to go and "being a burden" is her way of sparing everyone's feelings.
I would just let her know that if she changes her mind, you or your sister would be happy to take her and leave it at that.
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Post by stingfan on May 17, 2016 22:53:46 GMT
Has niece asked her grandma to be there herself? Maybe it would help if grandma heard directly from her how important it is to niece to have her there.
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Post by disneypal on May 17, 2016 23:00:33 GMT
Other than using my niece's feelings a leverage, do the Peas have any other suggestions? That was going to be my suggestion. Tell her that her DGD will be disappointed if she isn't there and it isn't any trouble to pick her up and take her home because you are going to the event too! Re-assure that you love spending time with her and being able to drive her to places allows you more time to be together and that you enjoy that time with her. |
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Post by christine58 on May 17, 2016 23:10:48 GMT
I probably have more to say but words like "pity party" and "won't be able to see anyway" and "woe is me" are uncalled for. Unless you live with limited vision on a day to day basis, you don't even know how it impacts your day to day life in ways that people with correctable vision will never understand. You said it better than I would have... |
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,141
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Post by Why on May 18, 2016 1:05:15 GMT
Maybe she just doesn't want to go and "being a burden" is her way of sparing everyone's feelings. I would just let her know that if she changes her mind, you or your sister would be happy to take her and leave it at that. ...........  a thousand times THAT!! I would never tell my kids I didn't want to go but I sure would be looking for an excuse. Boring., |
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Post by refugeepea on May 18, 2016 1:13:56 GMT
How long ago did your father die? Does she have any history or symptoms of depression? I would be a little worried. My aunt took probably five years to get to the point, after her husband's death, that she was having a day to day existence that looked like a life; the transition was very hard on her, and I wonder if your mother is in a similar place. My mother is/was very much like this because of depression. After 7 years, she still dreads the holidays the family doesn't get together (we switch off between Thanksgiving and Christmas). Do not manipulate her into going. Do not say we're going to pick you up regardless of your feelings. Please respect her decision. Always make it an open invitation. Keep that evening open on your schedule and say you are free to pick her up anytime. If she chooses not to go, that's on her. |
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Post by joylynaroundthebnd on May 18, 2016 3:01:27 GMT
Update
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If only my boys could drive, I would would try to approach relying on them from your viewpoint. 
a thousand times THAT!! I would never tell my kids I didn't want to go but I sure would be looking for an excuse. Boring.,