anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jun 14, 2016 6:21:22 GMT
I couldn't do it, but the fact that someone else can is none of my business, especially as I am not in possession of the full facts.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 14, 2016 6:50:23 GMT
No I could not move interstate without my kids. And I guess I do think more harshly of moms who do it because I have such a strong visceral response to just the idea of moving more than a quick car ride away from my children. I agree, and for some reason I would be more judgey if the mother did it. I know a guy whose wife left him and their 3 daughters to move interstate with her new man. At first the kids would travel up there to see her every school break, but over time they went less and less, and by the time the girls were in their teens they hadn't seen her for many years. I remember telling my DSO about it and expressing my shock that a MOTHER could just leave her kids like that. DSO pointed out that in his mind it would be just as shocking if a father did it. My SIL did that too. Had 6 kids in pretty rapid succession and walked out on the the whole lot. Luckily, my BIl was a stand-up guy and with family help, managed with the brood quite well. He ended up getting married again to a woman with 2 young daughters so now they have 8 kids (only 1 of his is moved out). From what I know, she rarely sees them. It's heartbreaking to watch the effect on the kids.
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Jun 14, 2016 6:53:29 GMT
My cousin left her toddler. She married a jerk(the dad), moved to his town and befriended his friends. The divorce was awful so she gave up custody to save her sanity for the sake of her child / being a mother. She said she couldn't stay in his town after the divorce and be a good mother. She got to see ds some weekends and holidays. When he got older he was able to verbalized what he wanted. He has lived some time with his mom but has mostly chosen to be away from both parents as to not cause trouble. I would have thought such chaos in your life growing up - and there was fighting / chaos, etc - would have screwed this kid up but he is a wonderfully well-adjusted adult who is so nice, kind, loving and lovely.
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sueg
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,018
Location: Munich
Member is Online
Apr 12, 2016 12:51:01 GMT
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Post by sueg on Jun 14, 2016 11:00:01 GMT
I have more than moved cross country - I moved half way around the world and left my kids behind. BUT, they were adults- 21 and 23 - and had their own lives back home. My DH got a work offer that was just too good to knock back, and we took it. I stayed behind for the first year, which was a probation time, then moved when it became permanent.
If our kids had been younger, we would have taken them with us.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 7:33:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2016 11:04:15 GMT
This happened to my son in law's brother. His wife left him for another man and left her 2 children. They were both preschoolers. Moved away and saw them very seldom..less than once a year. Later she had another baby with new dh.
Their dad remarried someone with 2 kids near to their age...Actually, the ex wife of mom's new dh! That didn't work out, and they divorced, but they are seeing each other again, and last I heard they were planning to remarry when the kids are all grown.
The kids are in college now and I'm not sure they ever hear from her. They seem ok, but I'm sure that's something anyone would carry for the rest of their lives. I'm sure there are 2 sides to every story and hers is probably sad, too.
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Post by Really Red on Jun 14, 2016 11:24:04 GMT
No. Never. ONly when they're off on their own.
I'm judgey about it and I'd be judgey if it were a man who did it, too.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 14, 2016 11:30:51 GMT
not a choice I could make. However - I know people who have made that choice (for a variety of reasons). My sister's partner drives 5 hours (each way) to collect his kids for visitation weekends and weeks now that they've moved out of state away from the kids/custodial parent. A friend I knew in college - her partner was raising his (non-bio) daughter as a sole parent...his wife just up and left one day leaving the baby home alone in the crib. And I know (and I'm sure all of us do) many women raising children whose father has moved away. For some reason, we (society) don't question a father moving away from his children the way we do a mother.I was thinking the same. When I got divorced I up and moved not states but countries with my daughter. There were extenuating circumstances, I was there on his work visa, and even though I had my own, it wasn't clear if I would be able to stay after we had lived there 7 years and we were on year 6. But my X did not fight me at all to have our daughter stay. He happily signed papers that she could live in the US with me. He didn't even stipulate what part of the US. I choose the SE to make it easier for him to see her but we could live in Hawaii, legally. I can tell you it is really hard on the kids. It is such a struggle for my daughter to only see her Dad a couple of times a year. She really feels unwanted by him. She begged him to come see her as Rafiki in the Lion King this past weekend. He said NO for 6 months then finally decided to come the week before. She loved having him here but she told me she is still a little pissed off that he didn't want to come enough to make it happen, he waited until he could arrange a business trip and tag this on to the beginning. I can only imagine if the parent chooses to move away, I feel for the kids.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 7:33:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2016 12:23:59 GMT
A friend tried to set me up with a friend of hers from high school. He had family in the area but was in the Navy and stationed in CA. At one point, he asked me if it ever came to it, would I move out to CA with him (as he had no intention of moving back to MI) and would I leave my kids if push came to shove. I said no. He said, oh, well that's too bad because I was really starting to like you. He wanted me to leave MY kids and raise HIS kids. No. Later, I found out he did find someone who was willing to leave her young child behind and move to CA with him. DH moved from his apartment that was 5 minutes from his job to move in with me in a town that made his commute an hour long one way (that's a lot in MI) because he didn't want to make me choose between the kids and him. I was willing to move closer to his job BUT only if the kids came with us. Even though we were looking at a small town that was 20 minutes from his job and 40 minutes from here, there's no way I would've moved without having the kids at least full time during the school year.
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Post by leannec on Jun 14, 2016 13:24:51 GMT
Absolutely not ... how unfair to those children
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Post by bigbundt on Jun 14, 2016 13:31:47 GMT
If I was dating someone and he asked me to leave my kids to be with him across the country, I would lose all respect for him. I wouldn't even be able to date him any longer. I sure as hell wouldn't abandon my kids to be with him. Those must be some broken women who make that decision.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jun 14, 2016 16:35:20 GMT
Not a chance in hell, but I'm also one that wouldn't think of marrying OR having another child while my dd was a minor. I divorced when she was 7...she's now 19, and I vowed she would come before anyone, including myself.
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 14, 2016 17:04:10 GMT
I remarried when my sons were 6 & 8 -there was no way I'd take them far away from their dad--and I would have not married him if I was asked to move. When I did move away from them, they were 22 & 24 years old - ready to launch on their own. And old enough not to have a mother hovering over them - but I miss them, everyday.
My XH2's brother's first wife walked out on him and their 2 sons when the boys were under 9. It has them screwed up to this day; either afraid to marry, or a short marriage that didn't work out. I've never met her, but have to say I'm judgmental about her because of that life choice.
That doesn't mean I never had a fantasy of just walking away and leaving the selfish, whiney little brats to themselves - but it was fantasy, not real life! No way.
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Post by Merge on Jun 14, 2016 17:47:13 GMT
Nope. Not for anyone or anything would I leave my minor children.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jun 14, 2016 18:02:00 GMT
I had a kid 28 years ago in class. His mom moved away and he started really misbehaving. He was the worst kid I had that year. He was the kind of kid that you wanted summer vacation to start early. I remember talking to him after school dismissed on the last day. He just hung around and finally asked why would his mom leave him. I remember crying with him. I went to the principal and told him that I needed this kid in my class the next year since I was moving up grade levels. Loved him the next year. That one incident made me more determined than ever to work things out with my husband after we would fight. Thankfully they were stupid fights. I could not move. I have seen what it can do. That made is heartbreaking.
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,996
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jun 14, 2016 18:12:53 GMT
There is a new employee in my office who spoke to me of possibly doing this same thing. He has a son from a prior relationship how is with the mother, primarily. He's remarried and has a new set of kids. He's kicking the idea of leaving the state (at wife's urging). We were discussing it and then I remembered about his almost 11 year old son. I said 'what about xx?" and he looked at me blankly. As if..'what about him?".
I replied that 'shouldn't that be a huge factor in your decision, you'd be leaving him just as he's approaching his teen years, when a boy needs his father most?". I think that pissed him off. And I don't care. I can't respect a man who'd leave his son across the country so he can afford a bigger fancier house and give the NEW set of kids more. Sorry, but that's some bullshit right there.
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Post by Yoki on Jun 14, 2016 18:19:07 GMT
Not a chance.
My dad moved 3,000 miles away when I was a kid. I saw him once or twice a year. Just in the last few years, as a parent in my 40's, I've started unpacking all the emotional baggage that sense of abandonment gave me.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 7:33:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2016 18:24:43 GMT
I'm the child of divorced parents. It's hard enough just being that....but to have a parent move out of state must be really hard. I'm sure some families make it work.
I would never have left my kids when they were young. Mine are 31 & 28 and we all still live in the same city and my DS works with my DH. Family is what WE are.....our kids, our parents (what is left of them) and our grandson and soon to be grandbaby....That is our life. We work hard to keep us all together.
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Post by Meri-Lyn on Jun 14, 2016 19:45:01 GMT
tamhugh I'll go back and check my post to be sure I stated it right. She is moving to where her new husband lives. I don't know the whole story of how they met, but it was online. She was divorced, married, and pregnant within a year. She'll raise the baby in the state of her 2nd husband. The ex husband will not allow their 12 year old to leave. He wants to be with mom and 16 and 19 (not a minor) year old children don't want to move. The 19 year old (I know, not a minor) is not the bio child of 1st husband but has raised her like his own since she was 4. Had a very similar story with a former neighbor of ours. Up and decided she didn't want to be married to current husband anymore. Ended up with much younger guy, and got pregnant. She only moved about two hours away, though. Youngest son and daughter were minors, and they stayed with their dad. (I think he insisted on it.) Oldest daughter was the same way, not his biologically, but basically had raised her since she was a toddler. She refused to go with the mom, and stayed with him. Now, she married other guy and had his baby, and the three older kids don't have much of a relationship with her now.
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Post by meridon on Jun 14, 2016 20:37:50 GMT
My MIL did this....left her middle/high school age daughters living in Chicago with their dad to come down south and live with my FIL. DH was an adult by that point though and not living at home. Of course, this is the same woman who just posted on FB that she's "finally a grandma" now that her oldest bio DD gave birth last week. So I guess the 6 grandkids she already has (my three, her own daughter's stepson and my husband's brother's two kids) don't count. DH called her on it after I lost my shizz about it and she said "oh, well, by blood." What a bitch.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 14, 2016 20:39:50 GMT
Hell no - and any man who would suggest such an asinine thing would get immediately kicked to the curb.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 14, 2016 20:51:38 GMT
I cannot even imagine a scenario where I would find this acceptable. But hey, I'm in the teenage years right now and there are days when I want to run away. Just kidding. Honestly, though, I'm thinking right now that I hope my children always live close to me. I just am really going to have a hard time when they grow up and leave. I can't imagine leaving them.
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Post by refugeepea on Jun 14, 2016 21:04:53 GMT
Hell no - and any man who would suggest such an asinine thing would get immediately kicked to the curb. The sad thing is, she's willingly leaving. When the 16 year old said she would not move and she thought the 12 year old could go, she said, don't I deserve happiness?
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Post by bigbundt on Jun 14, 2016 21:21:46 GMT
Hell no - and any man who would suggest such an asinine thing would get immediately kicked to the curb. The sad thing is, she's willingly leaving. When the 16 year old said she would not move and she thought the 12 year old could go, she said, don't I deserve happiness?Not at the expense of your kids, moron.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 7:33:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2016 21:34:37 GMT
Maybe the dad is the better parent? And grandma is there? Plus the rest if the family? I would rather the children stay in a stable place, than be second banana to the new baby. It just might be for the best that mom moves.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jun 14, 2016 21:54:05 GMT
tamhugh I'll go back and check my post to be sure I stated it right. She is moving to where her new husband lives. I don't know the whole story of how they met, but it was online. She was divorced, married, and pregnant within a year. She'll raise the baby in the state of her 2nd husband. The ex husband will not allow their 12 year old to leave. He wants to be with mom and 16 and 19 (not a minor) year old children don't want to move. The 19 year old (I know, not a minor) is not the bio child of 1st husband but has raised her like his own since she was 4. I don't get it and could never do it. But either way, the older kids or the new baby will have to live half way across the world from one of his/her parents. Does the new DH have other kids where he lives? Because that throws another wrench in the scenario. The couple should have hashed this out before they got married or pregnant.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 7:33:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2016 0:50:17 GMT
Never. But my own mother was someone who, throughout my childhood, made choices based on her own wants and desires over her children's needs. Regardless of whether the impact was detrimental to us or not. I have no tolerance for women who do this.
For your situation, we obviously can't say for sure what's going on. I hope I'm wrong and she's got some very good reason because one day that good reason may make some sense to her poor son.
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Post by refugeepea on Jun 16, 2016 16:17:50 GMT
Updated my post.
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Post by Chips on Jun 16, 2016 17:20:55 GMT
I could never leave my kids behind. It goes against every fiber of my being!
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jun 16, 2016 17:29:34 GMT
OP, she doesn't sound like much of a "friend". She has highly questionable moral values and because she confides this stuff in you, she thinks you do too. Just FYI.
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Post by mom on Jun 16, 2016 17:31:11 GMT
I would be worried with having this friend as a friend. And I certainly would no longer allow her to use me or my personal information again. I, personally, would be checking my credit if I were you.
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