Help my solve the dishes dilemma

I think you should have done them properly. It's not that hard to do, particularly if you're 14 years old. Your mom was trying to teach you to do a job right and your father was undermining her.

If you always let a person off the hook for doing things they don't do well, they won't learn to do things well. My dad would often play helpless in the kitchen so someone else would do it. Not okay.

My Mom was the same way and now I'm the same way with DH. As an adult, I see the point of having clean dishes and doing thorough work.

I don't understand the dilemma because those two events could happen simultaneously. Undoubtedly your Dad's reaction frustrated your Mum but maybe your Mum's standards were extreme. As someone who has had unrealistic cleanliness standards that I made my family miserable trying to live up to, I was frustrated when my DH would (gently) remind me that the kids were doing their best and were upset that I constantly made them feel that their efforts weren't good enough. I needed to hear it but I didn't like it.

I don't see how anyone could be considered "picky" or to have higher standards than someone else. As far as I'm concerned, dishes are either clean or they are not clean. One little food speck = not clean. 

If I was trying to get my kids to wash dishes properly and they were leaving specks of food on them, I would ask them to re-wash the dishes. If my husband/partner then told me I should do them myself I would be very pissed off. In the OP's scenario the father is undermining the mother.

You haven't ever met my mom then.  I had to boil water to do dishes, we didn't have running water. It was my job to wash & dry & put away. I would do a good job. No food specks, no grime. But mom would run her fingers on each dish in the drying rack and if it didn't have the "squeaky sound" it would get dumped back in the grimy water. Well hot water only lasts so long, the cooler it is the less likely you are going to get that "squeaky sound". It drove me insane. Simple supper dishes could take hours to do to her satisfaction. 

First, from the perspective of a parent of teens with a healthy relationship with them: There have been many times over the years that a chore has been assigned and because teens can be a pain in the ass, the chore was completed with less than stellar results. Dishes being done in a half ass manner just to be contrary is pretty par for the course. When that happens, the yes, of course they are going to do it again until the dishes are clean. Learning to do a job right the first time (and basic housekeeping skills) are a life skill that has to be learned. If it takes 47 times, then by golly you will stand in front of the sink washing the dishes until your fingers prune for all I care. BUT at some point during those 47 time the onus is on me to teach that child what clean is, how to do it correctly, and probably why it has to be done. 

If on the other hand, I assign a chore like washing dishes and I do not have a healthy relationship with my children and I am requiring that they do the dishes over and over and over again because I am channeling Joan Crawford and there will never be a point where I am satisfied that the job is well done, then yes-someone needs to step in and shut me down. 

Your kid is 14? They should be able to "properly" wash dishes at that age without close supervision. Leaving "a lot" of food residue? Does this happen a lot? Demonstrate how to do it correctly so that the expectation is clear. There's no reason why an able 14 year old can't properly clean a dish.

The comment about crash course in responsibility makes me think there's a lot of pressure on getting the dishes done just right.

Why the heck are you dredging this up?

This is my husband in relation to my daughter. She can do no wrong. We have even gone to counseling over his favoritism. Added to this scenario is how harsh he is with my twin boys (20yo). It sucks and he is not doing my daughter any favors. And he's losing the relationship with his sons - they want very little to do with him.

She is not. She states in a later post that she is actually the mother in this scenario. So it is a current thing.

Parents should always back each other's play.  If Dad had a problem with it, he should have talked to Mom about it privately.

If I were you, I'd make sure he ate off the next dirty dish.  Since he apparently needs to have a point driven home.

Are you being a bitch about it? How are you telling her that the dishes aren't clean enough?  It makes me think that you are berating her and your husband is sick of it.
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