zella
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by zella on Jun 21, 2016 2:59:39 GMT
I don't know if there's anything anyone can say that can help. But at least I can vent here.
Back in February I was very suicidal. I won't go into an inpatient program (for a variety of reasons, including that they won't treat my physical illness adequately), and the day programs for adults weren't going to work either (far away), so I started intensive outpatient therapy near my house. Gradually I got better. I'm on 2 anti-depressants. My psychiatrist and I have had a terrible time the last couple of years. Either a drug doesn't work, or it works but the side-effects are intolerable. The two I'm on now don't appear to be giving me side-effects; they also don't appear to be working well anymore. My psychiatrist left the hospital group and no longer takes our insurance. DH, bless him, says to go see him anyway. My therapist, who I usually see twice a week also doesn't take our insurance. I feel guilty about spending so much money, even though DH says it's okay. I have a text out to my therapist, but haven't heard back from her yet.
I can't seem to find a reason to live that isn't actually just living for someone else. I have to live for my younger dd because she is so dependent on me (she's the one with chronic daily migraines and she's also pretty badly depressed). I have to live for my older dd because she's still grieving so much for my sister, and she has bipolar disorder and depression (not bad at the moment, but losing me might knock her over the edge). DH would be okay without me. My mother has been in Washington State for a while (her main home is in Tucson) and hasn't even bothered to come and see me, or her granddaughters, or her great-granddaughter. She has called me a couple of times in the 7 months since Rebecca died (only when she needed something). So frankly I don't give a shit whether my life or death would affect her. I have no idea if my brother is even alive. I saw him in November, at my sister's deathbed, and probably will never see him again.
This last weekend I performed in a play reading. For years I've been wanting to do something that shows what I can really do. And I did. I was phenomenal. I had many audience members in tears. And neither of my daughters showed up for either performance. DH came on Saturday. My only friend was there, doing lights and sound. I'm so hurt that I do so much for them, and they couldn't pull their shit together to do this one thing for me. I won't get another chance to do it; that's not an option. And it wasn't filmed. Acting and directing are the only things I'm any good at. And now that this performance is done, there's nothing else that matters to me. Nothing to look forward to. I'm not working, and I can't because I'm still having episodes of severe nausea that are completely debilitating.
I think of doing this, of living this way, for another year, five years, ten, twenty years. And it's agony. I'm so tired. I just want it to be over. Nothing in my life has turned out the way I would have hoped, and I can't change that now. I'm just so done.
Depression is like a demon sitting on my shoulders, digging in its claws, refusing to let go.
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Post by jennoconnell on Jun 21, 2016 3:06:57 GMT
Zella, I am so sorry you are suffering like this. Congratulations on performing in the play reading, and congratulations on hanging in there for one more day. Each day that you find a reason to stick around is a victory to be celebrated. I hope you will be able to hang in there until your doctors can find meds that work for you.
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Post by berty on Jun 21, 2016 3:33:04 GMT
"I think of doing this, of living this way, for another year, five years, ten, twenty years. And it's agony. I'm so tired. I just want it to be over. Nothing in my life has turned out the way I would have hoped, and I can't change that now. I'm just so done."
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. I know it's hard not to ruminate about everything, but I suggest not thinking about the future. Just focus on this minute, and nothing else. Keep brining your attention back to now, and deal with the future later. Good luck.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 21, 2016 3:36:52 GMT
You have value. Your life has value. I'm praying for you.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jun 21, 2016 3:47:15 GMT
Going to talk to my therapist shortly. She got my message.
I miss my sister so, so much today. God it's painful.
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Post by miominmio on Jun 21, 2016 4:46:03 GMT
Don't think about the future, today is enough. I hope your depression gets better soon.
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 21, 2016 4:52:43 GMT
I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know you have been heard. I hope talking to your therapist helps.
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Post by ntsf on Jun 21, 2016 5:12:29 GMT
thinking of you. I hope you find the help you want...and I cherish the fact that you are honest about your state. first step. if nothing else, you are valuable to us..to your husband, and even your children, even if they seem ungrateful now. we are here for you. big hugs.
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Post by scrappintoee on Jun 21, 2016 7:20:22 GMT
so, so sorry !!!!! I can totallly relate to some of what you're
going through due to my chronic / sometimes acute physical pain!
I am sending you many ((((hugs )))))
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jun 21, 2016 7:25:40 GMT
Depression is such a hard thing to overcome. I hope your meds and therapy can help!
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 20:32:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 7:58:42 GMT
Don't think about the future, today is enough. I hope your depression gets better soon. This is SO true with depression! In fact, sometimes even one hour is enough. I have dealt with suicidal feelings for quite awhile now. I also have medication resistant depression. I will say though (and I am probably NOT in the majority) but going off anti depressants took away the suicidal feelings and plans. They even talked about ECT with me but I don't think that is the right answer either. Right now a lot of what I do has to be pretty passive (I am working up to the active things). But sometimes music helps me and listening to positive, uplifting music makes a huge difference. Eating healthy is so tough with depression but when I don't eat gluten or sugar I feel better Going for a walk of course has been shown to be just as effective as anti depressants for depression. Keeping a gratitude journal, etc. For a LONG time I had to tell myself my mind was just lying to me. If I were to die I wouldn't leave behind a mom or dad or brothers or sisters or any family except three aunts, one uncle and a few cousins. No one needs me right now either. For a long time before my grandma died that thought kept me from doing anything. But one thing I see you doing, and I have done it too, is having expectations of people. When I fully let go of expecting ANYONE to do ANYTHING for me even if they "should" then it freed me to be grateful when anyone did anything out of the ordinary for me. I have also started attending some Al-Anon meetings and that has helped too. It sounds like there may be some codependency going on. (And trust me I live it so I am in no way judging you) I hope you find peace. Can you start today listing 3 things you are grateful for? I think the key is what miominmio said taking it one day and sometimes one moment at a time. Can you go for a short walk today? I hope you find peace. I know how dark that hole is and I know what it's like to have physical issues compounding it. Just know you matter. There will never be another you. And having lost two friends to suicide I know that my world is different because they aren't in it. You never know how many people you are affecting. I think sometimes I should print out a card that says, "Depression is a lying liar that lies." It really is. I hope you can feel love today. Do something special to nurture you and then do something special for others, especially anonymous service. It makes a huge difference for me at least. Massage may also help too. It did for me a little bit. I just can't afford it right now. You had your vitamin D levels checked right? I really, really do understand. I know how completely overwhelming it can be at times. Take those tiny steps to move forward. Every effort I have found seems to be magnified. Even if it's setting a goal to take a shower every other day. Essential oils help me too. I use doTerra but you really don't need a name brand or anything to diffuse. Citrus ones are the best especially bergamot and grapefruit. Putting oils in a diffuser is pretty passive too. It doesn't take a lot of effort but it helps lift the mood. |
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Post by welshjenni on Jun 21, 2016 10:24:42 GMT
Well done on the play reading, that was such an achievement when you have gone through so much. Although you won't be doing another one, could you at least choose some pieces that you could learn and practice as though you did have an upcoming performance. Or is that a daft suggestion?
I am glad that you will be seeing your therapist and hope that it will bring some relief to you.
I have been attending a Mindfulness course where we were taught to concentrate on the present moment - and breathe.... even if it is difficult to push away thoughts from the past, concerns about the future or worries about everyday 'stuff' just trying to take even 3 minutes now and then and empty your mind of all thoughts (not easy I know) and just concentrate on your breathing, it can bring a small amount of peace for just that short time. Could you try that perhaps?
It is a well worn cliche but ' a day at a time' is a good 'rule' x
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 21, 2016 11:14:06 GMT
I think of doing this, of living this way, for another year, five years, ten, twenty years. And it's agony. I'm so tired. I just want it to be over. Nothing in my life has turned out the way I would have hoped, and I can't change that now. I'm just so done. Depression is like a demon sitting on my shoulders, digging in its claws, refusing to let go. I hear you loud and clear. It may help to realize (in a misery loves company way) that lots of us out here have had our lives shaken and twisted so drastically that we just plain don't recognize them any more as our own. The pain is real. It sucks. And it hurts. And it sucks some more. The added anxiety of insurance not covering basically anything here has to be absolutely enormous. I get it. I don't know what the deal is with your family not coming to this play reading you did, but that must be extremely disappointing as well. Sometimes when we're going through so much really difficult stuff, we aren't the best friends to others. We can't listen or focus on them like they deserve because our brains are busy going round and round and round on our own problems. We can't nourish friendships to keep them vibrant and healthy. And frankly, we just don't always respond well when others reach out to us. I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people to withdrawal into themselves when they feel bad and if you've felt bad for any length of time, it's not so unusual to not have anyone to call to go do something with.... like get a cup of coffee, or go out to lunch or a movie...... You just might not be able to commit to one more person right now. But.... maybe you could commit a little time to something else. An animal shelter. A plant nursery. A community garden. A church raffle booth. Something where you can begin to share yourself that isn't too taxing in a way that is entirely different from what your normal day looks like now with people who are different from the people you see each day. The play you were just in was a wonderful opportunity. Go look for another door or window you can open up. Go explore and believe that when you are ready to have friends, you will find them. |
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raindancer
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Post by raindancer on Jun 21, 2016 12:07:40 GMT
I'm so sorry. With all your other health issues on top of it it must feel so overwhelming. I'm glad you got ahold of your therapist.
No advice. But ((hugs)) and my thoughts are with you.
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tincin
Drama Llama
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Jun 21, 2016 12:13:27 GMT
I suffer from depression as well but not as severely as you. I just want to recommend an author to you. Her name is Jenny Lawson and she also suffers from depression. She also has a blog and many of her fans suffer from depression. She can make me laugh on the worst days I have. She is real and one of the things she has said is "depression lies." Depression tells you that life is not worth living, it lies. Depression tells you things will never get better, it lies. Depression tells you that nobody cares if you live or die, it lies.
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Jun 21, 2016 12:38:24 GMT
I just want to say that I hear you and I'm sorry. Depression is absolutely dreadful.
But I am so impressed you were able to perform like that! I'm glad you were able to have that moment, and I hope other opportunities for happiness keep presenting themselves.
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Post by malibou on Jun 21, 2016 13:53:05 GMT
I am so sorry you are struggling.
J
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Jun 21, 2016 13:54:51 GMT
Hugs to you, Zella. Let me compliment you for having the strength to pull yourself up in order to perform in the play. You do realize that you have a talent and an ability that many people do not have. Good for you for getting out and doing something for yourself! Be sure and keep your therapy appointment. Know that we care about you and enjoy your participation on this board.
I am praying that you find you peace and joy, one step at a time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 14:21:02 GMT
I'm so sorry. Please don't do anything rash. Get help. Don't quit. I understand depression and suicidal thoughts very well and struggle with my own demons on a regular basis. Please keep going. Put one foot in front of the other. Even if you have to take 2 steps back, don't quit. Things can improve. Even if you're doing it for your family, you matter and your life matters.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 21, 2016 15:02:30 GMT
{{{hugs}}}
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 21, 2016 15:39:51 GMT
Aw, zella, I'm sorry you are hurting. Your reaching out to your friends here is proof you DO want to live. Sending you hugs and my sincere prayers for healing for you. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 15:49:29 GMT
I'm so sorry you are struggling. I know that depression is so difficult.
Your love has value and you matter. I hope your therapist is able to help you.
Never give up.
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scrappert
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jun 21, 2016 15:52:30 GMT
Hi Zella.
Just wanted to you know that I hear you. I'm happy you are going to see your therapist. And there is great advice on this thread for you. HUGS to you.
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 21, 2016 16:43:41 GMT
Hugs. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for you....
Good for you doing the play! I should imagine that after the performance there is a normal let down, now that the practice/planning/performance is over, that might be even worse with your depression. Perhaps plan something else? Anything simple to keep you excited about something.
In the meantime, we are always here for you.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jun 21, 2016 17:00:07 GMT
I agree with ilikepink that there is a letdown after some highly anticipated event is over; add that to your depression and that could be contributing to making things even worse for you right now. You say you'll never get that chance again; I'm not sure why that is. Can you plan for something else that you really want to do?
I can see that you are so disappointed that your daughters didn't show up for your performance, and that it wasn't filmed either. I ask this very gently - did you tell them how important this was to you, and ask them directly to try to come? I say this only because I had to learn that I should never assume that people can read my mind. We all want to say "They are close to me so they should just know what's important to me." - but people don't always know that, and then when we expect them to behave a certain way and they don't, we are disappointed or hurt. I can't hold people responsible for what they didn't do, if I never told them what I wanted from them.
I hope your therapist can help you. Hugs to you.
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eastcoastpea
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jun 21, 2016 17:13:30 GMT
Sending hugs and positive vibes your way. I hope your appointment relieves some of your stress.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jun 21, 2016 17:16:53 GMT
Hugs. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for you.... Good for you doing the play! I should imagine that after the performance there is a normal let down, now that the practice/planning/performance is over, that might be even worse with your depression. Perhaps plan something else? Anything simple to keep you excited about something.
In the meantime, we are always here for you. ^^^ (((hugs))) to you, zella ... I don't have anything original to say that hasn't already been said here; but I wanted to 'second' the text I bolded above. I have a hard time with finishing things, partly because of the exact fact that when it's finished I feel that sense of letdown and it sometimes makes me feel worse, even though it was fun / interesting / exciting (whatever it was). I'm glad that you got in touch with your therapist.  And I also 'second' the idea of focusing on getting through just today, or just this hour, or just this moment. (I also agree with volunteering at a cat shelter just because petting and playing with cats and kittens is always a mood lifter for me, even if it's just for a few minutes... there's nothing quite like the feeling of having a cat sitting in your lap, purring its heart out.) eta: or puppy breath and playing with squirming puppies, if you don't like cats. LOL!! Or petting a senior dog that needs a friend because they lost their elderly owner and just wants to be loved...  |
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 21, 2016 19:21:08 GMT
She is real and one of the things she has said is "depression lies." Depression tells you that life is not worth living, it lies. Depression tells you things will never get better, it lies. Depression tells you that nobody cares if you live or die, it lies. Powerful message. Bless you for sharing it. Thank you. Good for you doing the play! I should imagine that after the performance there is a normal let down, now that the practice/planning/performance is over, that might be even worse with your depression. Perhaps plan something else? Anything simple to keep you excited about something. I have a hard time with finishing things, partly because of the exact fact that when it's finished I feel that sense of letdown and it sometimes makes me feel worse, even though it was fun / interesting / exciting (whatever it was). ilikepink, crimsoncat - Thank you! I needed to hear this as well. I can't hold people responsible for what they didn't do, if I never told them what I wanted from them. That goes along with what I said. At least one of your daughters is in a lot of pain herself. It may have been beyond her ability to cope to get out the door and sit in an audience, even if it was for you. It may also be very difficult for her to maintain really good friendships/relationships right now. Maybe she understood how important her being there was for you or maybe she didn't, but right now, it may be very difficult for her to be a good friend. It's even harder to be a good daughter. Mom is the one we tend to fall back on when we don't feel well and we really fight the idea that Mom is hurting and needs our help instead of the other way around. zella - I believe that you can be a truly wonderful friend. It is a lie of depression that tells you that you can never find people who will be wonderful friends back. It took great courage to do the play reading. You are much stronger than you realize. |
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jun 21, 2016 20:04:11 GMT
Don't think about the future, today is enough. I hope your depression gets better soon. This is SO true with depression! In fact, sometimes even one hour is enough. I have dealt with suicidal feelings for quite awhile now. I also have medication resistant depression. I will say though (and I am probably NOT in the majority) but going off anti depressants took away the suicidal feelings and plans. They even talked about ECT with me but I don't think that is the right answer either. Right now a lot of what I do has to be pretty passive (I am working up to the active things). But sometimes music helps me and listening to positive, uplifting music makes a huge difference. Eating healthy is so tough with depression but when I don't eat gluten or sugar I feel better Going for a walk of course has been shown to be just as effective as anti depressants for depression. Keeping a gratitude journal, etc. For a LONG time I had to tell myself my mind was just lying to me. If I were to die I wouldn't leave behind a mom or dad or brothers or sisters or any family except three aunts, one uncle and a few cousins. No one needs me right now either. For a long time before my grandma died that thought kept me from doing anything. But one thing I see you doing, and I have done it too, is having expectations of people. When I fully let go of expecting ANYONE to do ANYTHING for me even if they "should" then it freed me to be grateful when anyone did anything out of the ordinary for me. I have also started attending some Al-Anon meetings and that has helped too. It sounds like there may be some codependency going on. (And trust me I live it so I am in no way judging you) I hope you find peace. Can you start today listing 3 things you are grateful for? I think the key is what miominmio said taking it one day and sometimes one moment at a time. Can you go for a short walk today? I hope you find peace. I know how dark that hole is and I know what it's like to have physical issues compounding it. Just know you matter. There will never be another you. And having lost two friends to suicide I know that my world is different because they aren't in it. You never know how many people you are affecting. I think sometimes I should print out a card that says, "Depression is a lying liar that lies." It really is. I hope you can feel love today. Do something special to nurture you and then do something special for others, especially anonymous service. It makes a huge difference for me at least. Massage may also help too. It did for me a little bit. I just can't afford it right now. You had your vitamin D levels checked right? I really, really do understand. I know how completely overwhelming it can be at times. Take those tiny steps to move forward. Every effort I have found seems to be magnified. Even if it's setting a goal to take a shower every other day. Essential oils help me too. I use doTerra but you really don't need a name brand or anything to diffuse. Citrus ones are the best especially bergamot and grapefruit. Putting oils in a diffuser is pretty passive too. It doesn't take a lot of effort but it helps lift the mood. Thank you for your long and thoughtful post. I actually did force myself both to leave the house and take a short walk yesterday. I really hoped it would help, but it didn't. Today I have to leave the house again because I have an appointment with my therapist. I ended up talking to her last night and it helped calm me down. I don't know what you mean about codependency, and we don't have any alcohol or drug issues in our immediate family. I do try to be grateful, and I'll write down three things today. It's funny that you mentioned a shower; because of my PICC IV line every shower involves wrapping up my arm in plastic and taping it up so the IV site doesn't get wet, and it's a PITA, particularly if I have to do it without help, so every other day is about what I'm doing. Yes, I did have my vit D checked recently and it was fine. I'll look into some scents that might help pick me up a little. |
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jun 21, 2016 20:13:44 GMT
I think of doing this, of living this way, for another year, five years, ten, twenty years. And it's agony. I'm so tired. I just want it to be over. Nothing in my life has turned out the way I would have hoped, and I can't change that now. I'm just so done. Depression is like a demon sitting on my shoulders, digging in its claws, refusing to let go. I hear you loud and clear. It may help to realize (in a misery loves company way) that lots of us out here have had our lives shaken and twisted so drastically that we just plain don't recognize them any more as our own. The pain is real. It sucks. And it hurts. And it sucks some more. The added anxiety of insurance not covering basically anything here has to be absolutely enormous. I get it. I don't know what the deal is with your family not coming to this play reading you did, but that must be extremely disappointing as well. Sometimes when we're going through so much really difficult stuff, we aren't the best friends to others. We can't listen or focus on them like they deserve because our brains are busy going round and round and round on our own problems. We can't nourish friendships to keep them vibrant and healthy. And frankly, we just don't always respond well when others reach out to us. I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people to withdrawal into themselves when they feel bad and if you've felt bad for any length of time, it's not so unusual to not have anyone to call to go do something with.... like get a cup of coffee, or go out to lunch or a movie...... You just might not be able to commit to one more person right now. But.... maybe you could commit a little time to something else. An animal shelter. A plant nursery. A community garden. A church raffle booth. Something where you can begin to share yourself that isn't too taxing in a way that is entirely different from what your normal day looks like now with people who are different from the people you see each day. The play you were just in was a wonderful opportunity. Go look for another door or window you can open up. Go explore and believe that when you are ready to have friends, you will find them. Funnily enough, I have an annual volunteer activity coming up. It starts on Friday. It's a massive rummage sale, and for the past 4 or 5 years I've done all or almost all of the organizing, sorting and pricing of the craft items. I'll be putting in as many hours as my body and brain will allow. The actual sale is on July 2nd, and I usually go every day, or almost every day. When I say this sale is massive, I mean it takes over an entire middle school, including the parking lots and sports fields. The number of volunteers is in the hundreds. And last year the sale made over $450,000. One year soon we should break that half a million mark. It's absolutely insane, but it gets me doing something totally different and working hard. |
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And I also 'second' the idea of focusing on getting through just today, or just this hour, or just this moment. (I also agree with volunteering at a cat shelter just because petting and playing with cats and kittens is always a mood lifter for me, even if it's just for a few minutes... there's nothing quite like the feeling of having a cat sitting in your lap, purring its heart out.)