|
|
Post by ladytrisha on Jun 29, 2016 20:22:08 GMT
Found link to my earlier post(s) The story till now
So this past Monday, we finally were able to remove my MIL's car from her home in San Diego.
My hubby (who is the Trustee/Durable Power of Attorney guy) went down the week before and took her keys. Then a neighbor decided to help MIL find the other set (which we had no idea about). It took a day but they found it in the dead boyfriend's packed up boxes (I tell ya, women on a mission). And then his aunt called to say "she's driving again" UGH!!!
So we called my BIL (who hasn't seen his mother since November - nothing in it for him he says) and told him "you have to go with your brother". He goes with my hubby and has a HUGE wake up call on just how bad she is now. Sort of. He still doesn't understand the disease and told his daughter that his Mom needs to just stop it. Clueless.
After beating my hubby with her fists and arms and having a huge tantrum, having my BIL run in and yell "stop hitting my brother" (because he's 55 reliving teenage years) - my hubby told them both to shut it and then had a quiet talk with his Mom and why he HAD to take her car. And even though she won't remember it, she did calmly and finally get it - in that moment. He reassured her that when she gets her license back, he'd give the car back (it was calming and one of many kind lies we have told).
It has been over a year since we started conservatorship (ended up with a terrible stipulation); her court-appointed attorney is the most crooked POS we've ever met and is STILL billing her estate to get her driving privileges restored. MIL has been driving on a suspended license since October. Earlier this month, we finally got her into a more experienced neurologist who confirmed "she doesn't have dementia, she's in full blown Alzheimer's" and corrected her medical records - odd to celebrate that fact, but it will help long term.
Hubby also grabbed every bill he could find along with any "official papers". As he has POA, we are setting up online access for everything. Along the way, there was a $25 fix-it ticket (window tinting) that she ignored - escalated to $513; found 4 Toll Road Evasion notices (started at $3.00-$6.00) - now over $100 EACH, and the best one - a red light camera evasion as she drove right thru a red light in Del Mar. $490 for that one.
We know without any doubt we did the right thing - for her and for anyone else out there driving. And it took forever because she wasn't this bad - the last 2 months, it's as if she dropped off a cliff. The Alzheimer's diagnosis was the absolute key because no judge can argue it - the DMV forbids driving.
Capper is that our attorney is pissed at us and said we're in breach of the stipulation! And then reminded us we don't have "custody" of her. Uhhh okay... she wasn't in the car when we took it! LOL
And yes, we're firing him. He thinks he's getting a huge trust mess to fix and pay for his vacation plans - we're taking that away from him and moving it to local friends who are CPAs and will get it fixed for a much lower fee to her.
For anyone of you who are in similar circumstances, I really wish you peace and good luck. We have come close to divorcing, hubby is on BP meds and has also gone thru disability and now unemployment for his knee and also had to handle this mess, and I've gained way too much weight. We're hanging by fingernails.
ETA - I made "contact information " cards and hubby went out and gave one to all of the neighbors - what a blessing that turned out to be. And he told them the car was being taken so they could support her instead of firing her up.
Oh and my BIL now calls me a Pit Bull ... lovely.
|
|
|
|
Post by MorellisCupcake on Jun 29, 2016 20:36:58 GMT
What a nightmare. But good for you for doing the right thing. I fully support lying if it keeps the peace and keeps her calm.
In my world, BIL just moved my FIL to a 55+ condo in Alberta, from an assisted living facility in Ontario. He has memory issues, incontinence issues, forgets that he ate, gets confused and lost, uses a walker, etc. But BIL thinks a 55+ near him will be just fine, and DH and SIL did nothing to stop him. I have to tell you, I'm sick and upset and disgusted with them but there is not one damn thing I can do. It's maddening.
Keep fighting the good fight. We all need a pitbull in our corner when we're old.
|
|
|
|
Post by ladytrisha on Jun 29, 2016 20:40:28 GMT
When he called me a pit bull in front of his aunties - I retorted "oh good we just rescued one too so we match" and his aunties said "and you better be damn glad she is one because you'd be lost without her". It was nice to see him get spanked  |
|
purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,729 
|
Post by purplebee on Jun 29, 2016 20:55:01 GMT
Wow, sounds like you've been through the wringer. Hope you can get things settled and that life calms down. I hope I have a, pitbull to advocate for me if it ever comes to that. Hugs....
|
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Jun 29, 2016 21:01:16 GMT
I've followed your story and have been frustrated for you. My mom has Alzheimers and our biggest fight with my dad was reporting her to the DMV and getting her license revoked. I won't go into the long story here, but that report forced the diagnosis. Mom has been in a care home for over 2 years now and my dad will mention things that happened back then that we should have known about. He was in such denial and thought as long as she wasn't officially diagnosed he could pretend it was all fine. From the sounds of it your MIL is still living on her own - is getting her into a care situation likely to happen? MorellisCupcake, I'm sorry to read your BIL moved FIL. |
|
MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
|
Post by MizIndependent on Jun 29, 2016 21:02:53 GMT
Oh and my BIL now calls me a Pit Bull ... lovely. Hmmm. Loving, loyal, protective of family. I can think of worse things to be called.  Peace to you and yours...you've certainly been through it. (((hugs))) |
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Jun 29, 2016 21:18:33 GMT
What a nightmare. I wish you peace as well its a long long road ( and there is nothing pleasant at the end of it. ) hugs
|
|
|
|
Post by kimpossible on Jun 29, 2016 21:34:04 GMT
I feel so sorry for you and DH. It is so stressful caring for older, ill parents, but memory care issues (especially Alzheimers) are really challenging.
Do you have the ability to place her in some kind of assisted living that specializes in alzheimers? They can be especially helpful in taking a load of the care of you and your DH's shoulders.
|
|
|
|
Post by hockeyfan06 on Jun 29, 2016 22:04:17 GMT
Stay strong!! I would want you in my corner!
|
|
|
|
Post by ladytrisha on Jul 15, 2016 19:28:26 GMT
I feel so sorry for you and DH. It is so stressful caring for older, ill parents, but memory care issues (especially Alzheimers) are really challenging. Do you have the ability to place her in some kind of assisted living that specializes in alzheimers? They can be especially helpful in taking a load of the care of you and your DH's shoulders. Happy to report that we hired in-home care and she is doing well. We gave them redirection ideas for when she gets agitated and so they take her to the beach every day, sometimes more than once, take her outside gardening and talk about her cat. They don't get paid enough.
She's also on a waitlist for the Alzheimer's assisted living facility that we tried to get her into last year. Caregiver owner said she won't be able to stay home for long as her deterioration has been so dramatic. Last July, she was listed as mild to moderate dementia; we had her re-tested and she's now moderate to severe Alzheimer's Disease.
And yes, her court appointed attorney still wants her to drive. What he really wants is to drive up his fees by having her suffer thru a DMV administrative hearing and then bill us accordingly.
We have control now of all her investments so they're safe (I even found yet another IRA is some new bank in San Diego!), did her taxes, have Social Security getting switched to hubby as a payee (she has not received any SS since January); and have her bills in check.
And hubby and I are planning a car trip up to Oregon and Washington for a break from all of it! We can breathe!
|
|
|
|
Post by lbp on Jul 15, 2016 19:45:29 GMT
Bless Y'all! We have gone down this road with MIL and it is HELL! Especially if you and DH are doing this alone. We finally got MIL placed in a Memory Care Facility and she is having a ball! She was always very social and there she has human interaction every day. She has had manicures, pedicures, goes to craft classes, singing, Bingo, and last week she had a massage! She has no memory of doing any of this, but she likes it whiles it is happening and that is what matters! Stay Strong Pit Bull!
|
|
moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,173
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
|
Post by moodyblue on Jul 15, 2016 19:54:40 GMT
Such a battle you guys have been through. I'm so glad that you are finally getting things on the right path, even though it's a rocky and rough road to travel.
|
|
oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,996
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
|
Post by oh yvonne on Jul 15, 2016 19:55:14 GMT
oh my gosh, Trisha, what a nightmare! Oh, these stories just break my heart, my hats off to the both of you for your dedication in seeing this all through!
I can't even imagine, thank God you got her car from her before she could seriously hurt herself or someone.
I hope you both can sleep much easier now, and get back to taking care of yourselves, and being good to each other. <hugs>
|
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 16, 2016 1:42:43 GMT
Bless Y'all! We have gone down this road with MIL and it is HELL! Especially if you and DH are doing this alone. We finally got MIL placed in a Memory Care Facility and she is having a ball! She was always very social and there she has human interaction every day. She has had manicures, pedicures, goes to craft classes, singing, Bingo, and last week she had a massage! She has no memory of doing any of this, but she likes it whiles it is happening and that is what matters! Stay Strong Pit Bull! This was our experience with my mom as well, she really loved the place we moved her to after the initial settling in and enjoyed all of the many activities they did with the residents. Their goal was for the residents to have pleasant days and I think she did. Even though my mom lived with my brother before that, it was a sad and isolating situation for both of them. It's definitely a tough road ladytrisha but your MIL is lucky to have you both in her corner looking out for her. |
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Jul 16, 2016 1:47:44 GMT
I'm so sorry you all are dealing with this. FIL had Alzheimer's but actually died of a stroke before he got to that point.
((Hugs)) to you and your family. Such a terrible disease.
|
|
|
|
Post by txdancermom on Jul 16, 2016 2:04:52 GMT
I feel for you having to deal with all of this. You have my prayers.
|
|
|
|
Post by peano on Jul 16, 2016 2:19:13 GMT
I SO feel for you. A friend is going through the same issues with her mother and her stories are just heartbreaking. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you, especially since you're getting pushback from your BIL. Stay strong--you know you're doing the right thing for her.
|
|
|
|
Post by lindywholoveskids on Jul 16, 2016 2:19:15 GMT
How hard to deal with the disease and then driving issues too.We were fortunate with moth my mom and mil - both with Alzhiemers that took different paths.
Every person with Alzheimer's has stages that last different lengths of time.
The blessing eventually is that they dont remember what they've forgotten!! Whew!
Acceptance is key.
We had lots of support from some family and definitely from the professionals!
My mil changed to a way different ( and more easy to get along with) personality. That was a blessing.
We learned not to test them on what they remembered / or forgot!
|
|
|
|
Post by cadoodlebug on Jul 16, 2016 2:46:56 GMT
Trish, when my mom got too bad to stay in assisted living my sister found a private home in San Diego where she stayed until she passed away. They cared for 4 residents who each had a private room and full-time staff round-the-clock. It was a lovely place with a baby grand piano ~ one of the caregivers was quite the pianist and would play old tunes that the residents responded to. When my mom stopped eating the director told us we had two options: we could move her to a nursing home where they would insert a feeding tube or she could stay at the home and they would keep her hydrated and comfortable. She passed away peacefully several weeks later. Just a thought to let you know there are options out there. Blessings to your family, I know how hard this road is ~ I lost my mom and sister to this horrific disease.  |
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Jul 16, 2016 5:07:23 GMT
What a hard road this has been and continues to be for all of you. As hard as it is, it's good that you got confirmation of what you already know to be true so you could get the car away from her. You and dh are doing right by her.
|
|
anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
|
Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 16, 2016 7:09:32 GMT
Well done. It must be a huge relief.
|
|
|
|
Post by patin on Jul 16, 2016 7:24:24 GMT
So glad you faced this hurdle & got over it. I worried over this with our folks, but fortunately they realized they nor anyone was safe. My FIL had an accident- no one hurt & my dad got horribly lost & the police Called me. He handed over his keys to me on the spot. We joked that I would now be his chauffeur & he could boss me around. It is sad, though.
|
|
hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,612
Location: Adelaide, Australia
|
Post by hannahruth on Jul 16, 2016 8:20:14 GMT
This is such a difficult journey for us all.
FIL had Parkinson's which is not quite like dementia but not without difficulties. He insisted on driving and it was only when he knocked a cyclist off his bike that he really thought about it and stopped driving. Luckily the cyclist was not hurt only shaken but it could have been so much worse especially if he had been travelling at any spread.
Sounds like you have finally got things under control and hopefully life will now be less stressful. B
|
|
tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
|
Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 16, 2016 11:23:13 GMT
I'm so sorry your family is going thru this. Hopefully you've turned a positive corner with her care and your legal issues. Continued good thoughts coming your way.
|
|
|
|
Post by grate on Jul 16, 2016 14:00:20 GMT
what a difficult time for you and your husband. Wishing you the strength to continue and to have time to focus on your and your DH's health
|
|
|
|
Post by shaniam on Jul 16, 2016 14:35:11 GMT
I am so sorry. My husband's father had Alzheimer's and went through something similar. Fortunately his wife able to drive him at that time. Now hubby's mom is starting to decline health wise (no official diagnosis) and the siblings have discussed it is getting time to take the keys but don't want to do it. She has hit parked cars and driven off and has duct tape holding stuff on her car. It is such a hard thing to take someone's independence but sometimes it is the best thing to do b
|
|
|
|
Post by ladytrisha on Jul 21, 2016 19:32:32 GMT
Thank you ALL for the support - it's been another interesting week. First the bill from the in-home care people arrived - totally overcharged; that took 2 days and finally an oops apology from them. Min charge per month - $8,000 - 12 hrs a day, not at night, and basically a babysitter as they will not assist with meds or medical appointments. We then found out from OUR attorney that we're not "allowed" to change her care-giver, or even have a new assessment. In his word the stipulation said one of these 2 companies (chosen by the attorneys) and that now they're in place, it's a done deal. Pit Bull had to held back! We have now requested a complete copy of our file from our attorney and are shopping around for an attorney that can make sense of probably the worst stip I've seen in my legal experience and hopefully go into court for clarification. The fact they made me leave the negotiations might come back to haunt them as they knew I had all the info. My hubby foolishly signed the stip at the urging of his attorney - that might come back to the attorney as well. My hubby is a dear soul and just wants to go back to work and his happy life. And my brother in law just talks about the movies he's working on and how he dates 2 women at the same time. ugh. We've now told our attorney that we want clarification from her court-appointed attorney if he will drop the license application (seriously, he's an ass); and also if either one had plans to over-ride the care giver company when they tell us its time to move her? Because the effing stip says SHE gets to choose when to move out! FML Meanwhile, the caregivers now report she is refusing to eat and drink and they're already having to try tricks on her - with limited success. I've realized she will not be going into the spiffy sparkly place we thought she'd love; instead, she will hopefully go into one like CADoodlebug describes and will spend her days there. And these elder-care laws need changing because the only ones who take are the attorneys at both ends. Thank you again ... reading your comments keeps us going. |
|
jp1989
Junior Member
Posts: 60
|
Post by jp1989 on Jul 22, 2016 16:48:47 GMT
What a nightmare! God bless you for caring and stepping into such a difficult situation.
|
|
