when a combination of events boils down to.....I miss him
Jul 6, 2016 3:33:14 GMT
CarolT and nellej like this
Post by scrappinspidey2 on Jul 6, 2016 3:33:14 GMT
July is a very tough month for me. We lost my FIL to cancer 5 years ago and then a year and one week later we lost my husband. Its been almost four years and I set expectations for myself about this whole healing process that apparently I shouldn't have, but when you don't know...
Last night was probably by far one of the worst nights I have had since I lost my husband. The neighbors were setting off really loud fireworks that rattled the house fairly well. While I don't have a lot of clear memories from the accident itself, I remember two things well: the sound the car made as it hit the ground after the flip, the glass shattering inward toward me from the side window as well as the noise. These fireworks sent me into a pit of hell I haven't been in since the accident. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't prepared. Im just going to leave it at that. Nothing can change it, nothing can make it better, it just helps set the stage for my post.
Today we bought a car for my daughter. She is my baby and is headed into her senior year. She is starting the driving process a little late but it has been on our schedule and our timing. We were going to look at a different car altogether. I had no real intention of purchasing a car today, unless the original car was available (it was a super deal) but someone got to the dealership before we did and bought it. I don't buy cars. That was his job and his dad's job. I find it extremely stressful and would rather pretty much do ANYTHING other than buy cars. The dealer showed us this one and while it wasn't the one we were looking after, it fit the bill so to speak. I miss him.
we get to the negotiation part and I kinda froze. My sister was there and picked up the ball. It was not fun. The guy, who I felt had been nothing but nice and helpful to that point, got a little rough I thought. So the negotiation part was on...I did not handle it well. We found out the car had been in a small accident, this hadn't really been told to us upfront, and I had issues. I know I know...I have lots of them
but it set me back a bit. I want her driving a tank...I do have a fear of cars but I am trying not to pass it along or let it affect my day to day. I failed in that today. My sister picked up the ball and kinda told the guy we needed a minute. I miss him.
While all this is going on, I got a text from my daughters OT asking where we were. I had asked her to trade us a day because I had planned a little back to school surprise for my daughter. I had completely forgotten about it. Now Im feeling stupid because of the car thing, i let the OT lady down, I lost track of my schedule and well....insert meltdown in public, which I RARELY have had. My daughter was shocked. All said and done, I got the car for under what I had set as my hardline etc. But I miss him. This would have been a completely (and probably more fun)process. I miss him.
Then we get home. The girl starts pulling out her outfits for senior pictures. I miss him. He should be here for this. Granted he would not have been helpful in clothing choices but he should be here to harass her to cover up or put on a turtleneck
She's starting her last round of band camp. Everything this year is her "last" thing regarding high school and moving on to colleges....I MISS HIM.
I let myself get overwhelmed with all the things I need to do this week. The list is impossible and I know it but I keep thinking I can handle it. I can't.
And all through this I beat myself up because I can't seem to get a handle on things. Simple things. Complex things. After four years I should have some sort of handle on it. But I don't. Ive done the counseling route. This is just a really super bad month for it to all hit because dammit I just miss him. Honestly if he could just come back and give me a hug. He doesn't need to talk to me. I don't need to bounce anything off of him. I just need that hug that makes everything better. UGH. I also need to stop beating myself up....but since that hasn't happened in about 35 years I don't think its going to stop now lol.
Thanks for letting me spill. She's going to look awesome in her pictures tomorrow
Last night was probably by far one of the worst nights I have had since I lost my husband. The neighbors were setting off really loud fireworks that rattled the house fairly well. While I don't have a lot of clear memories from the accident itself, I remember two things well: the sound the car made as it hit the ground after the flip, the glass shattering inward toward me from the side window as well as the noise. These fireworks sent me into a pit of hell I haven't been in since the accident. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't prepared. Im just going to leave it at that. Nothing can change it, nothing can make it better, it just helps set the stage for my post.
Today we bought a car for my daughter. She is my baby and is headed into her senior year. She is starting the driving process a little late but it has been on our schedule and our timing. We were going to look at a different car altogether. I had no real intention of purchasing a car today, unless the original car was available (it was a super deal) but someone got to the dealership before we did and bought it. I don't buy cars. That was his job and his dad's job. I find it extremely stressful and would rather pretty much do ANYTHING other than buy cars. The dealer showed us this one and while it wasn't the one we were looking after, it fit the bill so to speak. I miss him.
we get to the negotiation part and I kinda froze. My sister was there and picked up the ball. It was not fun. The guy, who I felt had been nothing but nice and helpful to that point, got a little rough I thought. So the negotiation part was on...I did not handle it well. We found out the car had been in a small accident, this hadn't really been told to us upfront, and I had issues. I know I know...I have lots of them
but it set me back a bit. I want her driving a tank...I do have a fear of cars but I am trying not to pass it along or let it affect my day to day. I failed in that today. My sister picked up the ball and kinda told the guy we needed a minute. I miss him.While all this is going on, I got a text from my daughters OT asking where we were. I had asked her to trade us a day because I had planned a little back to school surprise for my daughter. I had completely forgotten about it. Now Im feeling stupid because of the car thing, i let the OT lady down, I lost track of my schedule and well....insert meltdown in public, which I RARELY have had. My daughter was shocked. All said and done, I got the car for under what I had set as my hardline etc. But I miss him. This would have been a completely (and probably more fun)process. I miss him.
Then we get home. The girl starts pulling out her outfits for senior pictures. I miss him. He should be here for this. Granted he would not have been helpful in clothing choices but he should be here to harass her to cover up or put on a turtleneck
She's starting her last round of band camp. Everything this year is her "last" thing regarding high school and moving on to colleges....I MISS HIM.
I let myself get overwhelmed with all the things I need to do this week. The list is impossible and I know it but I keep thinking I can handle it. I can't.
And all through this I beat myself up because I can't seem to get a handle on things. Simple things. Complex things. After four years I should have some sort of handle on it. But I don't. Ive done the counseling route. This is just a really super bad month for it to all hit because dammit I just miss him. Honestly if he could just come back and give me a hug. He doesn't need to talk to me. I don't need to bounce anything off of him. I just need that hug that makes everything better. UGH. I also need to stop beating myself up....but since that hasn't happened in about 35 years
I don't think its going to stop now lol. Thanks for letting me spill. She's going to look awesome in her pictures tomorrow
