Deleted
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May 18, 2024 23:21:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 14:39:33 GMT
I think my biggest question is why this is common knowledge to anyone outside the marital home. This is no one's business except the couple... and that includes the sons that are at home. Everyone needs to butt out and the couple needs to stop blabbing their issues publicly. It became common knowledge with the immediate family because that is what family does....when one files for a divorce, they typically share that information with their extended family, ie...siblings, parents, etc... I think the sharing of the "issues" is also what family does...if, for nothing else then to be able to express your thoughts and get things off of your chest in hopes of finding a shoulder to cry on and help ease the transition....again...I think that what families do...be there to listen and support your family member that is going through a difficult time. We...the extended family are not butting in...we just had a conversation about the issue without either one of the divorcing couple or their sons in the room (not even in the same state)...it was just a discussion that lead to some people thinking the wife should just suck it up and sleep in the same bed or sleep on the couch if she doesn't want to share the bed and some think the husband should be the "gentleman" and let the wife have the bed and sleep on the couch.... No, that's gossip.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 20, 2016 14:43:01 GMT
I think my biggest question is why this is common knowledge to anyone outside the marital home. This is no one's business except the couple... and that includes the sons that are at home. Everyone needs to butt out and the couple needs to stop blabbing their issues publicly. Yeah this....it's NO ONE'S business
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,350
Location: Dallas Texas
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Jul 20, 2016 14:44:16 GMT
Stupidest fight ever. Yes the wife was being a brat, but I would let her have the bed because I don't do drama. I would pick my battles with her and the bed wouldn't be one of them! You can't compromise with crazy and she is clearly crazy.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 14:45:02 GMT
It became common knowledge with the immediate family because that is what family does....when one files for a divorce, they typically share that information with their extended family, ie...siblings, parents, etc... I think the sharing of the "issues" is also what family does...if, for nothing else then to be able to express your thoughts and get things off of your chest in hopes of finding a shoulder to cry on and help ease the transition....again...I think that what families do...be there to listen and support your family member that is going through a difficult time. We...the extended family are not butting in...we just had a conversation about the issue without either one of the divorcing couple or their sons in the room (not even in the same state)...it was just a discussion that lead to some people thinking the wife should just suck it up and sleep in the same bed or sleep on the couch if she doesn't want to share the bed and some think the husband should be the "gentleman" and let the wife have the bed and sleep on the couch.... No, that's gossip. What's gossip???
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 23:21:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 14:48:59 GMT
Your whole post. If you are not the wife or husband, you don't need to be discussing their situation "without them in the room." That's gossip. The amount of information you have is sad and should not even be your knowledge unless you are living with them.
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Post by ilikepink on Jul 20, 2016 14:51:52 GMT
BTDT - and survived. After I confronted my XH about his "friend", we made a decision to not divorce or make other hasty decisions for a while. One son was starting senior year of college, and we didn't want anything to disrupt that. We slept in the same bed (sleep being the only activity ) and acted as we normally did. It wasn't easy - I was hoping he'd come to his senses, and when that wasn't going to happen, I waited until I was ready to do something different. This couple can make this work until they are ready for the next step - but they each need to act like an adult and be respectful. Just because the marriage isn't going to work out doesn't mean either party should be mean and nasty. It sounds like they need to show better examples to their sons as well.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 14:51:55 GMT
I think my biggest question is why this is common knowledge to anyone outside the marital home. This is no one's business except the couple... and that includes the sons that are at home. Everyone needs to butt out and the couple needs to stop blabbing their issues publicly. Yeah this....it's NO ONE'S business It's no one's business to interject themselves into the situation....this is not what's going on here....this sibling just called to notify the family members of their situation and was looking for someone to talk and listen and a have a shoulder to cry on....that is all. This person did this with all of the siblings....4 of us and the 1 parent that is still alive....3 of us had dinner together recently and was just talking about the divorcing sibling's situation and there were differencing opinions about who should be giving up the bed if any...that is all.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Jul 20, 2016 14:54:53 GMT
Consider it to be the tip of the iceberg as to what they are going to argue about throughout their divorce proceeding. They will argue over who gets the "wagon wheel table" (insert random "When Harry met Sally" reference).
Others need to "butt out", not comment, not get drawn into a discussion of righteousness.
OP, don't be a dog in the fight. Unless you want to offer for one or both of your brother's sons to stay with you temporarily. In addition, a discussion of the specifics of some family's member divorce rationale is not a topic of discussion in many families.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 20, 2016 14:55:25 GMT
Normally if you file for divorce don't you move out? Seems weird to me that he'd file for divorce but want to sleep in the same bed as her. But I also know you can't change people so she'll likely have to take the couch. Dh snores ridiculously, i've slept on the couch for years...I thought it better to take turns, but he also has a condition that cause uncontrollable whining so I gave up listening to it and stayed on the couch myself. This is why we have separate rooms. It's actually not that unusual. Many couples have different sleep styles and this keeps everyone happy. DH snores like a freight train, likes it warmer, lights on, noise, etc. I like it dark, cool and quiet except for my fan on every night. My parents did it for years and some builders now include dual master suites in their building plans.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Jul 20, 2016 14:55:47 GMT
Time to move both of the sons into one room for the summer so both parents can have their own room with privacy.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 14:57:31 GMT
Your whole post. If you are not the wife or husband, you don't need to be discussing their situation "without them in the room." That's gossip. The amount of information you have is sad and should not even be your knowledge unless you are living with them. So you don't ever talk about or know anything about any of your siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, etc....with other siblings, etc... I find that hard to believe and frankly not "normal" family interactions.... We are not interjecting ourselves into their situation...none of us even live in the same state...1500 miles away. None of us were telling any of the others anything we hadn't already been told by the person in the marriage so this is not gossip in my opinion....gossip would be if one of us was told of their situation in confidence and we shared with the others without permission.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 14:58:54 GMT
BTDT - and survived. After I confronted my XH about his "friend", we made a decision to not divorce or make other hasty decisions for a while. One son was starting senior year of college, and we didn't want anything to disrupt that. We slept in the same bed (sleep being the only activity ) and acted as we normally did. It wasn't easy - I was hoping he'd come to his senses, and when that wasn't going to happen, I waited until I was ready to do something different. This couple can make this work until they are ready for the next step - but they each need to act like an adult and be respectful. Just because the marriage isn't going to work out doesn't mean either party should be mean and nasty. It sounds like they need to show better examples to their sons as well. This is exactly how I feel!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 23:21:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 15:05:30 GMT
Your whole post. If you are not the wife or husband, you don't need to be discussing their situation "without them in the room." That's gossip. The amount of information you have is sad and should not even be your knowledge unless you are living with them. So you don't ever talk about or know anything about any of your siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, etc....with other siblings, etc... I find that hard to believe and frankly not "normal" family interactions.... We are not interjecting ourselves into their situation...none of us even live in the same state...1500 miles away. None of us were telling any of the others anything we hadn't already been told by the person in the marriage so this is not gossip in my opinion....gossip would be if one of us was told of their situation in confidence and we shared with the others without permission. No, actually, I don't. My mother shares this kind of crap with me all the time and I do not discuss it with anyone. The only talking about my family I do with other family members is regular stuff such as so and so started a new job or cousin It is going to U of State. I do not get into discussions about private matters such as divorce, no matter how public they made it. I sure as hell do not do it behind their backs. When my aunt made her mess of a marriage and divorce public, I kept my mouth shut on it and didn't talk to a single family member about it, no matter how much my mother talked about it. The only thing my husband knew of it was whatever he heard from my Mom. We did not talk about it and I did not engage her. It's one thing to tell family you're divorcing. It's another to share with family the ins and outs of their situation and the wife's reaction. I'm assuming the sibling is the husband. Did it ever occur to you that he's telling you about this scene to curry favor? And the fact that you discussed it among other siblings without any of the parties involved is gossip in my book.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 15:08:14 GMT
Consider it to be the tip of the iceberg as to what they are going to argue about throughout their divorce proceeding. They will argue over who gets the "wagon wheel table" (insert a "When Harry met Sally" reference). Others need to "butt out", not comment, not get drawn into a discussion of righteousness. OP, don't be a dog in the fight. I'm not...I've listened to my sibling and one of my nephews and tried to make them all see that there are 3 sides to every situation and everyone's perception is their truth and for them to try and keep an open mind and that all of this will pass. Please also note that I have NOT called anyone of them....they have reached out to me for a shoulder to lean on and I told both of them that I would be here for them no matter what happens that I loved them all and I wasn't going to take sides and they both said they understood and didn't expect me to take sides.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 20, 2016 15:08:38 GMT
We're this me, I would not sleep with him either. BUT I also would not have walked into the house and caused a shit stir that night. I'd have addressed it the next day. Without the sons needing to hear. Adult or not you still need to put your children first. So yes causing a stink at 11 in the night is inconsiderate to the adult kids. Childish I'm not sure if the husband had any control on when the papers were served but perhaps a day when someone is already committed to be home too late to civilly discuss logistics isn't the best choice if you have any choice at all. Who has divorce papers filed and then just pretends nothing was done? Even if he didn't have any control over the timing going to bed and just pretending he didn't drop a bomb that would need some sorting out is immature. Like who does that?
Also, legally ( in my state ) neither HAS to move out until that issue is resolved during the divorce. Sometimes both have to sell and move. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. If both want the house then neither can move out until the issue is resolved. The court/attorneys work that out here.
It sounds like everyone is done and they all need to grow up and be respectful of those around them. And put the adult children and their feeling first while they move on and immature pettiness isn't the way to do that.
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Post by hdoublej on Jul 20, 2016 15:08:57 GMT
Your whole post. If you are not the wife or husband, you don't need to be discussing their situation "without them in the room." That's gossip. The amount of information you have is sad and should not even be your knowledge unless you are living with them. So you don't ever talk about or know anything about any of your siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, etc....with other siblings, etc... I find that hard to believe and frankly not "normal" family interactions.... We are not interjecting ourselves into their situation...none of us even live in the same state...1500 miles away. None of us were telling any of the others anything we hadn't already been told by the person in the marriage so this is not gossip in my opinion....gossip would be if one of us was told of their situation in confidence and we shared with the others without permission. I completely understand what you are saying and this would be a normal conversation in my family as well. It would be a family discussion that comes up as one of sympathy with a little bit of "she needs to grow up" thrown in. The conversation would take place whether or not the family member was in the room. I don't consider it gossip either. Totally different than if the person directly involved asked one family member to keep it confidential, that would be gossip.
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Post by lucillebluth on Jul 20, 2016 15:12:07 GMT
It's very kind of her son to give up his bed.
Husband should have handled this better. If I was served divorce papers at work when I wasn't expecting them, I would surely throw a fit when I got home. I'm not proud of that, but I'm pretty sure I would not react well. Kudos to those of you who would be calm and fair about the whole thing, but I know I would not be.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 23:21:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 15:13:08 GMT
I think it's ridiculous to share the same bed after filing for divorce and the husband is crazy to think that would happen. The wife certainly could have been the one to sleep on the couch and that probably made more sense given the husband was already in bed and the wife got home late. Either way, though, I can't imagine sharing a bedroom with a soon-to-be-ex spouse. One of them should move out.
Does the husband think they are going to keep living together until the divorce is final? Because that's a little... odd.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 15:19:18 GMT
So you don't ever talk about or know anything about any of your siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, etc....with other siblings, etc... I find that hard to believe and frankly not "normal" family interactions.... We are not interjecting ourselves into their situation...none of us even live in the same state...1500 miles away. None of us were telling any of the others anything we hadn't already been told by the person in the marriage so this is not gossip in my opinion....gossip would be if one of us was told of their situation in confidence and we shared with the others without permission. No, actually, I don't. My mother shares this kind of crap with me all the time and I do not discuss it with anyone. The only talking about my family I do with other family members is regular stuff such as so and so started a new job or cousin It is going to U of State. I do not get into discussions about private matters such as divorce, no matter how public they made it. I sure as hell do not do it behind their backs. When my aunt made her mess of a marriage and divorce public, I kept my mouth shut on it and didn't talk to a single family member about it, no matter how much my mother talked about it. The only thing my husband knew of it was whatever he heard from my Mom. We did not talk about it and I did not engage her. It's one thing to tell family you're divorcing. It's another to share with family the ins and outs of their situation and the wife's reaction. I'm assuming the sibling is the husband. Did it ever occur to you that he's telling you about this scene to curry favor? And the fact that you discussed it among other siblings without any of the parties involved is gossip in my book. Your mother sharing crap if you've not been told directly to you by one or both involved is gossip...I agree with you then. Unfortunately, being part of a family means sharing not only good things that happen to family members such as a new job or getting accepted to college, etc...but bad things happen as well. Just because things are shared and discussed it doesn't mean you are interjecting yourself into the situation...you can be there to listen and maybe help them see things from a different perspective and help them sort out their feelings. That's what families do...in my opinion anyway.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 20, 2016 15:20:46 GMT
1st, I would totally be talking about this, gossip or not.
2nd, if I was surprised served papers at work, I would come home pissed.
3rd, if I had no other choice, I would sleep in the bed, but I might do shit to make it miserable for my stbx.
4th, why the hell couldn't stbx wait a month till those boys went to college?
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Post by rst on Jul 20, 2016 15:22:44 GMT
I think the kindest thing to do as an aunt would be to encourage the nephew who's posting of FB to use a more appropriate venue and audience for venting his feelings. He will need people he can trust and who model appropriate, mature behavior, and maybe you can be one of those people in his life.
As for who sleeps where -- should not even be an issue, should not be brought up in family discussions, should not be discussed in front of sons. The 2 people involved can figure it out. They can get bunk beds from Craig's list and fight about who sleeps on the top bunk, they can sell the couch and put a bed in the living room. There are any number of ways people resolve sleeping arrangements, but none of them require a sounding board of family members. They're trying to triangulate and figure out who's an ally in their battle. I'd stay far, far away from anything beyond a sincere "I'm so very sorry for the hard times you are all going through."
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Post by zztop11 on Jul 20, 2016 15:23:00 GMT
Time to move both of the sons into one room for the summer so both parents can have their own room with privacy. Yup. She can rent a bed. Or get a blow up bed for the kids and use theirs. I'd move the extra bed right into the master bedroom.
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Post by cannmom on Jul 20, 2016 15:28:17 GMT
I don't think if my husband surprised me with divorce papers that I would be be too keen on sharing a bed with him. I'm surprised that so many of you think you would be ok with that. It sounds as if the husband has good reasons for wanting a divorce, but I think he should have discussed it with his wife instead of having papers served on her like that. Even if done discreetly it had to be hurtful. It seems as if they both acted childish. The grown-up thing would have been to talk about wanting to get divorced and how they should proceed with their living arrangements instead of how it was handled.
Personally, I just don't think people that are getting divorced ought to be sharing a bed. Sad, that their finances are such that they can't afford to live apart. How will they afford to live when the divorce is final?
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Post by hop2 on Jul 20, 2016 15:29:17 GMT
It's very kind of her son to give up his bed. Husband should have handled this better. If I was served divorce papers at work when I wasn't expecting them, I would surely throw a fit when I got home. I'm not proud of that, but I'm pretty sure I would not react well. Kudos to those of you who would be calm and fair about the whole thing, but I know I would not be. It hasn't got anything to do with fair. It's being a decent considerate human being to your children EVEN if they are past 18. Just because someone is now over the age of 18 doesn't mean they do not have feelings and need courtesy, respect and consideration. Besides, it's the calm ones you really have to watch out for. Without all the drama you have no idea what they are planning.
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 20, 2016 15:35:42 GMT
I think if you are going to file for divorce and you do not own the home or apartment, you should be the one to move out. Apparently the wife was blind sided or in denial. Either way, she didn't have anything in place. The husband should have saved up money to move out or asked a family member or friend for a place to stay. Because he was the one who filed, I feel the least he could do is sleep on the couch. Since he won't the wife only has 2 choices; couch or the bed.
I don't see it as gossip because the sibling told everyone they were getting a divorce and why. I don't see the OP doing anything wrong because she's not getting in the middle of the mess. I think it's also a good life lesson to only give the facts. Just so you know, we are getting divorced. I filed the papers and I don't have anything more to say.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 23:21:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 15:38:46 GMT
And honestly by sharing a bed, he is doing nothing to protect himself. What if she truly is crazy, convinces him to have "consensual" sex and then claims he raped her? If she really is a whackadoodle, I am not sure sharing a bed is in HIS best interests. And I think communicating about the filing and serving ahead of time would have solved some issues. Sounds like both are being very childish - tit for tat. Gonna be a nasty divorce....poor kids!
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 20, 2016 16:04:46 GMT
Assuming the sons have their own rooms, move them and their single beds into the master bedroom and give the husband and wife their own room (probably need to buy new beds/campbeds ). The husband and wife will need their own space in the months ahead, if only to scream quietly into their pillows. Exactly. This and cry. I can't imagine having to hold in my emotions and share a bed if my husband was leaving me. And keep it the heck off Facebook AND stop sharing so much with the extended family. I'm one of five kids and no my family does not know all our details.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 20, 2016 16:10:58 GMT
Your whole post. If you are not the wife or husband, you don't need to be discussing their situation "without them in the room." That's gossip. The amount of information you have is sad and should not even be your knowledge unless you are living with them. So you don't ever talk about or know anything about any of your siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, etc....with other siblings, etc... I find that hard to believe and frankly not "normal" family interactions.... We are not interjecting ourselves into their situation...none of us even live in the same state...1500 miles away. None of us were telling any of the others anything we hadn't already been told by the person in the marriage so this is not gossip in my opinion....gossip would be if one of us was told of their situation in confidence and we shared with the others without permission. No as a matter of fact I'm the oldest sister so my siblings do come to me to vent or ask for advice. No I do not discuss what one sister told me with another sister. What they tell me is safe with me, it's part of me having integrity. It also means they know they can trust me with their stuff and not turning it into family drama. Now two of my sisters share what is going on with each other to others both inside and outside the family. So it really is an individual as well as family choice.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Jul 20, 2016 16:15:56 GMT
Really, you'd want or be able to sleep next to someone who just kicked you to the curb? Not the person you quoted, but depending on the situation, I might be able to sleep next to someone who "kicked me to the curb" (particularly if there were legitimate reasons - like my behavior - that led to said kicking). After 20 years of marriage, I'd like to think that I could still be friendly with my husband even if we weren't compatible as a couple anymore. And IF I couldn't bear to sleep next to him, I'd have no problem taking the couch. As for the original question, I think the wife did herself a disservice making a scene at 11pm. If she didn't want to sleep next to him, she could've easily avoided the drama and slept on the couch herself. I'm the one she quoted and this is how I feel too.
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jp1989
Junior Member
Posts: 60
Oct 28, 2014 2:15:35 GMT
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Post by jp1989 on Jul 20, 2016 16:28:44 GMT
TMI. Cannot understand why people go public with this kind of stuff. Bigger battles are surely ahead for them.
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