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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 12:09:23 GMT
In this situation....
Husband and wife have been married for 20+ years, have 2 adult sons (both in college)....due to some things that have been going on in the marriage over the course of the last 8-10 years, with 2 big issues that occurred recently, husband decided he'd had enough of wife's "games", filed for divorce and served her papers.
Wife was served the papers at her place of employment (discreetly)....that evening, she came home late, after 11pm (due to a prior commitment), stormed into the house, turned on the lights and demanded that the husband get out of her bed, and for him to sleep on the couch (no spare room in their house). Both sons are home for the summer so their beds are occupied by them.
The husband refused and told her she was welcome to sleep in their bed since it belonged to both of them and there was no reason why either one of them needed to lose sleep from now until the divorce was final and they went their separate ways. Wife refuses to sleep in the same bed but wants husband to sleep on the couch since it was his idea to file for divorce.
My question is who do you think is right in this situation?
Extended family and the sons are split on this issue and while it's a silly thing to get into a heated discussion about, I would just like to know what the general consensous is....
And because I know some will ask....the "games" are not cheating related but $$$ related if that makes a difference in your response.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 20, 2016 12:16:05 GMT
Normally if you file for divorce don't you move out? Seems weird to me that he'd file for divorce but want to sleep in the same bed as her. But I also know you can't change people so she'll likely have to take the couch. Dh snores ridiculously, i've slept on the couch for years...I thought it better to take turns, but he also has a condition that cause uncontrollable whining so I gave up listening to it and stayed on the couch myself.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 20, 2016 12:19:41 GMT
I think my biggest question is why this is common knowledge to anyone outside the marital home. This is no one's business except the couple... and that includes the sons that are at home. Everyone needs to butt out and the couple needs to stop blabbing their issues publicly.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 2:11:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 12:21:12 GMT
My question is who do you think is right in this situation? I don't think either of them are 'right' it's the kind of situation where nobody wins and everyone acts like babies. One of them needs to move out and move on.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Jul 20, 2016 12:21:33 GMT
On the face of it, I really don't see what the problem is. She has a choice. She can sleep in the bed, or elsewhere.
I don't agree with whoever files, has to move out.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Jul 20, 2016 12:31:28 GMT
I feel sorry for their boys already. How freaking childish to drag them into this debate. I think the husband is right. She can sleep there or elsewhere. It really doesn't matter to him. And what's she afraid of? Germs? That he'll slay her in her sleep?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 2:11:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 12:36:46 GMT
Lawyers now advise ANYONE who files for divorce to NOT leave the marital home because it can come to bite them in the a$$ later. He has a right to stay in the home (barring any issues of domestic violence) and in the bed. She might not like it but that's not his problem.
I hope they both get a grip before more damage is done to their sons. Even though they're grown, this will have an impact on them.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 12:58:20 GMT
My question is who do you think is right in this situation? I don't think either of them are 'right' it's the kind of situation where nobody wins and everyone acts like babies. One of them needs to move out and move on. I agree with this assessment that nobody wins, but they don't own their own home...they rent and both names are on the lease which doesn't expire until February 2017 which means they are both equally responsible to fulfill the lease obligation. Neither one of them makes enough money that they can afford to be responsible for the current lease and sign a new one....that and the terms written in the papers stipulate that each of them may remain in the home until instructed otherwise by the divorce court.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 2:11:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 13:02:43 GMT
I don't think either of them are 'right' it's the kind of situation where nobody wins and everyone acts like babies. One of them needs to move out and move on. I agree with this assessment that nobody wins, but they don't own their own home...they rent and both names are on the lease which doesn't expire until February 2017 which means they are both equally responsible to fulfill the lease obligation. Neither one of them makes enough money that they can afford to be responsible for the current lease and sign a new one....that and the terms written in the papers stipulate that each of them may remain in the home until instructed otherwise by the divorce court. What a mess! Hopefully they can come to some agreement about how things are going to go and stick with it. Putting my nosy hat on here, is it you in this situation? You seem to have an awful lot of detail.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 2:11:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 13:05:45 GMT
The husband. Until they have a preliminary hearing deciding who gets to stay in the marital home, he's free to sleep wherever he likes.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 20, 2016 13:06:42 GMT
It is too early for me to think about which one of them had the right to the bed. So perhaps I shouldn't have responded but I have to say this is going to be one heck of a divorce. 20 years, 2 adult children and they should have the ability to work with one another. They are fighting over where to sleep....I see a long road ahead.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 20, 2016 13:06:54 GMT
I feel sorry for their boys already. How freaking childish to drag them into this debate. I think the husband is right. She can sleep there or elsewhere. It really doesn't matter to him. And what's she afraid of? Germs? That he'll slay her in her sleep? Really, you'd want or be able to sleep next to someone who just kicked you to the curb?
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 13:15:09 GMT
I think my biggest question is why this is common knowledge to anyone outside the marital home. This is no one's business except the couple... and that includes the sons that are at home. Everyone needs to butt out and the couple needs to stop blabbing their issues publicly. It became common knowledge with the immediate family because that is what family does....when one files for a divorce, they typically share that information with their extended family, ie...siblings, parents, etc... I think the sharing of the "issues" is also what family does...if, for nothing else then to be able to express your thoughts and get things off of your chest in hopes of finding a shoulder to cry on and help ease the transition....again...I think that what families do...be there to listen and support your family member that is going through a difficult time. We...the extended family are not butting in...we just had a conversation about the issue without either one of the divorcing couple or their sons in the room (not even in the same state)...it was just a discussion that lead to some people thinking the wife should just suck it up and sleep in the same bed or sleep on the couch if she doesn't want to share the bed and some think the husband should be the "gentleman" and let the wife have the bed and sleep on the couch....
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Post by Lexica on Jul 20, 2016 13:17:35 GMT
This doesn't surprise me. Since the wife is acting childishly irresponsible regarding their finances, does anyone expect her to instantly mature and act like an adult through a divorce? She sounds very selfish. And why would a selfish and immature woman who has put her own needs (or compulsion if that is what this is) above all else, to the point of losing her marriage, be expected to act in any way other than what she has been? She will put herself first until she can deal with whatever it is that is making her so irresponsible with finances.
ETA I forgot to actually give my opinion on the sleeping arrangements. I think they both deserve to sleep in the bed. If one of them cannot handle the other's presence in it, they are free to move to the couch.
And as for the husband being a gentleman, I think he is being one by allowing her to sleep in the bed with him. If he was an ass, he would have told her even the couch was too good for her. Just because he is the one to file and want to end the marriage doesn't make him immediately the monster. I would imagine there have been many many discussions over this, trying to get her to be a partner regarding finances, and he has just come to the end of his rope. Offering to share was a gentlemanly move in my opinion.
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Post by Zee on Jul 20, 2016 13:20:32 GMT
Neither is "right". No one has any particular right to the bed. If she doesn't want to share, I guess it's Sofa City for her. I'd personally smother him with a pillow but sigh, I guess modern forensics would catch up with her.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 13:23:43 GMT
I agree with this assessment that nobody wins, but they don't own their own home...they rent and both names are on the lease which doesn't expire until February 2017 which means they are both equally responsible to fulfill the lease obligation. Neither one of them makes enough money that they can afford to be responsible for the current lease and sign a new one....that and the terms written in the papers stipulate that each of them may remain in the home until instructed otherwise by the divorce court. What a mess! Hopefully they can come to some agreement about how things are going to go and stick with it. Putting my nosy hat on here, is it you in this situation? You seem to have an awful lot of detail. No it is not.....but one of the couple is my younger sibling and one of the nephews is taking sides and is upset and needed someone to vent to...that and he posted his issues on FB, not being specific saying his issues are related to his parents divorcing but very vague....at this point though, I believe everyone knows what he's talking about.
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schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,030
Jun 28, 2014 0:26:58 GMT
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Post by schizo319 on Jul 20, 2016 13:26:10 GMT
Really, you'd want or be able to sleep next to someone who just kicked you to the curb? Not the person you quoted, but depending on the situation, I might be able to sleep next to someone who "kicked me to the curb" (particularly if there were legitimate reasons - like my behavior - that led to said kicking). After 20 years of marriage, I'd like to think that I could still be friendly with my husband even if we weren't compatible as a couple anymore. And IF I couldn't bear to sleep next to him, I'd have no problem taking the couch. As for the original question, I think the wife did herself a disservice making a scene at 11pm. If she didn't want to sleep next to him, she could've easily avoided the drama and slept on the couch herself.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 20, 2016 13:28:00 GMT
I don't think either of them is right or wrong.
I'm sure the husband's lawyer has advised him not to move out of the home.
It is *their* bed. Why does one or the other of them automatically get the right to kick the other one out?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 2:11:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 13:44:15 GMT
I don't give up my bed for anyone or any reason.
If the wife doesn't want to sleep next to him, she can feel free to sleep elsewhere.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 2:11:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 13:52:21 GMT
Sounds like they are both playing games and deserve each other.
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Post by dewryce on Jul 20, 2016 13:57:30 GMT
Was she blind-sided by being served? Does she want the divorce? For me, if the answers to those 2 questions were "yes" and "no" I imagine I would have a hard time sharing my bed with him. Now, that doesn't mean that I would come home at 11 and throw a fit. But going forward? I would try to make arrangements so that we didn't have to sleep together and that both of us had our own bed and room. Even if that meant the adult children living with us had to share a room.
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Post by annabella on Jul 20, 2016 13:58:56 GMT
Really, you'd want or be able to sleep next to someone who just kicked you to the curb? I agree, I totally understand her not wanting to share the bed with him after the way he sprung the divorce on her. He went about this all wrong for someone he's living and sleeping with. I suggest they get a blow up mattress and one of the boys sleeps on it while the parents takes their bed.
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Post by mom on Jul 20, 2016 14:01:12 GMT
Yikes.
I dont think either is right or wrong in the bed situation. My gut says that if YOU have the problem, then YOU get to sleep on the couch.
If the wife had issues that led to this divorce, I suspect she is wanting to make the husband the bad guy. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for whatever her actions were that got them to this position.
I feel sorry for the kids.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 14:04:14 GMT
Really, you'd want or be able to sleep next to someone who just kicked you to the curb? I agree, I totally understand her not wanting to share the bed with him after the way he sprung the divorce on her. He went about this all wrong for someone he's living and sleeping with. I suggest they get a blow up mattress and one of the boys sleeps on it while the parents takes their bed. That is almost what has happened....the one son that is siding with his mother, has been giving up his bed and sleeping on the couch....AND then goes on FB and talks about how someone he loves is being so selfish and making the whole family suffer because of it, etc....
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,760
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jul 20, 2016 14:05:41 GMT
Assuming the sons have their own rooms, move them and their single beds into the master bedroom and give the husband and wife their own room (probably need to buy new beds/campbeds ). The husband and wife will need their own space in the months ahead, if only to scream quietly into their pillows.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Jul 20, 2016 14:10:53 GMT
What wellway just said. Buy another bed.
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Post by dewryce on Jul 20, 2016 14:19:04 GMT
Assuming the sons have their own rooms, move them and their single beds into the master bedroom and give the husband and wife their own room (probably need to buy new beds/campbeds ). The husband and wife will need their own space in the months ahead, if only to scream quietly into their pillows. Exactly. This and cry. I can't imagine having to hold in my emotions and share a bed if my husband was leaving me.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jul 20, 2016 14:24:14 GMT
I would not be sleeping in the same bed with a man who no longer wants to be married to me. That being said, I wouldn't demand he sleep on the couch either. I'd probably move all my shit into a spare room. If there isn't one, the boys can share a room...
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 14:30:20 GMT
I would not be sleeping in the same bed with a man who no longer wants to be married to me. That being said, I wouldn't demand he sleep on the couch either. I'd probably move all my shit into a spare room. If there isn't one, the boys can share a room... Unfortunately, the boys already share a room....the older one has been at college so it's the younger one has had it to himself most the time but he's going to be going to college in the fall. There is no spare bedroom so this is a temporary problem for another 6 weeks or so but has been going on since the middle of June. Finances have been such that all they could afford was a 2 BR apartment with 1 in college and the other getting ready to go to college.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jul 20, 2016 14:32:59 GMT
I would not be sleeping in the same bed with a man who no longer wants to be married to me. That being said, I wouldn't demand he sleep on the couch either. I'd probably move all my shit into a spare room. If there isn't one, the boys can share a room... Unfortunately, the boys already share a room....the older one has been at college so it's the younger one has had it to himself most the time but he's going to be going to college in the fall. There is no spare bedroom so this is a temporary problem for another 6 weeks or so but has been going on since the middle of June. Finances have been such that all they could afford was a 2 BR apartment with 1 in college and the other getting ready to go to college. Then I guess I'd be sleeping on the couch.
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