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Post by bc2ca on Jul 20, 2016 16:50:09 GMT
And honestly by sharing a bed, he is doing nothing to protect himself. What if she truly is crazy, convinces him to have "consensual" sex and then claims he raped her? If she really is a whackadoodle, I am not sure sharing a bed is in HIS best interests. And I think communicating about the filing and serving ahead of time would have solved some issues. Sounds like both are being very childish - tit for tat. Gonna be a nasty divorce....poor kids! He's tired of her games, so files for divorce and serves her the surprise papers at work and then goes about his regular routine? Goes to bed and is surprised when she arrives home and doesn't just slip in beside him?! OMG, they are both playing games. I don't think either has an automatic right to the bed and, IME, the one serving the papers is not always the one that leaves. IME, usually the one with primary responsibility for the kids stays, but that isn't a factor with 2 young adult kids. S
ETA: I'm curious if the boys were informed beforehand or found out about the divorce when mom arrived home? aveSaveSaveSaveSaveSave
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 20, 2016 17:00:41 GMT
I don't give up my bed for anyone or any reason. If the wife doesn't want to sleep next to him, she can feel free to sleep elsewhere. I am very possessive of my bed too. My husband used to tell me we should give it up for company. I told him I was hosting the company and needed a good sleep. That was my mom's advice before I got married and I took it seriously. I could never sleep on a couch, so I wouldn't be doing that for months.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jul 20, 2016 17:05:57 GMT
The person in the right gets to keep sleeping where they prefer. The person who did wrong has to go find another place to sleep. In this case, the wife, who pushed the husband until he couldn't take any more, needs to shut up and act mature.
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Post by Rachel on Jul 20, 2016 17:06:54 GMT
If I was served divorce papers at work and had no idea they were coming, no way would I go home and jump into the same bed as him. What would you say? Oh hi honey... Got the papers today.. We'll discuss them in the morning.. Sleep tight! I would find the couch and figure something else out in the morning. Maybe a rent a bed smack dab in the middle of the living room... Right in front of his TV.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jul 20, 2016 17:12:48 GMT
They've got bigger problems than the bed. Ex and I slept in the same bed until I moved out. I didn't want to sleep on the couch and neither did he. We survived. It did give him the illusion that we might stay together though, on the other hand, in a weird way it helped with the transition.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jul 20, 2016 17:21:43 GMT
Consider it to be the tip of the iceberg as to what they are going to argue about throughout their divorce proceeding. They will argue over who gets the "wagon wheel table" (insert a "When Harry met Sally" reference). Others need to "butt out", not comment, not get drawn into a discussion of righteousness. OP, don't be a dog in the fight. I'm not...I've listened to my sibling and one of my nephews and tried to make them all see that there are 3 sides to every situation and everyone's perception is their truth and for them to try and keep an open mind and that all of this will pass. Please also note that I have NOT called anyone of them....they have reached out to me for a shoulder to lean on and I told both of them that I would be here for them no matter what happens that I loved them all and I wasn't going to take sides and they both said they understood and didn't expect me to take sides. Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having a close family. My sister's divorce didn't just affect her - it affected and devastated all of us. Of course we talked about it. She asked us to talk about it, both with her and without her. She wanted to do what was best for the children, and knew that she wasn't able to see things clearly at times. We all respect and value each other's opinions and advice. It was a group effort, and she never would have made it through it on her own. If that makes us a weirdly close family, then I guess I'm grateful to be in a weirdly close family.
You didn't come here to ask if it was ok that your family discussed the situation. You came here to ask opinions about which one of them should take the couch.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 17:23:30 GMT
They've got bigger problems than the bed. Ex and I slept in the same bed until I moved out. I didn't want to sleep on the couch and neither did he. We survived. It did give him the illusion that we might stay together though, on the other hand, in a weird way it helped with the transition. You are right....this whole situation came as a total shock to the rest of the family as my sibling never shared any of their marital issues up to this point. It has since been brought to our attention by this sibling that things have been going on, mostly financially related, for several years and said sibling has had enough and there were 2 HUGE incidents (connected) that transpired behind siblings back that was the final straw that broke the camels back...no pun intended.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 17:24:46 GMT
I'm not...I've listened to my sibling and one of my nephews and tried to make them all see that there are 3 sides to every situation and everyone's perception is their truth and for them to try and keep an open mind and that all of this will pass. Please also note that I have NOT called anyone of them....they have reached out to me for a shoulder to lean on and I told both of them that I would be here for them no matter what happens that I loved them all and I wasn't going to take sides and they both said they understood and didn't expect me to take sides. Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having a close family. My sister's divorce didn't just affect her - it affected and devastated all of us. Of course we talked about it. She asked us to talk about it, both with her and without her. She wanted to do what was best for the children, and knew that she wasn't able to see things clearly at times. We all respect and value each other's opinions and advice. It was a group effort, and she never would have made it through it on her own. If that makes us a weirdly close family, then I guess I'm grateful to be in a weirdly close family.
You didn't come here to ask if it was ok that your family discussed the situation. You came here to ask opinions about which one of them should take the couch.
Thank you for the validation and understanding.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 17:26:18 GMT
And honestly by sharing a bed, he is doing nothing to protect himself. What if she truly is crazy, convinces him to have "consensual" sex and then claims he raped her? If she really is a whackadoodle, I am not sure sharing a bed is in HIS best interests. And I think communicating about the filing and serving ahead of time would have solved some issues. Sounds like both are being very childish - tit for tat. Gonna be a nasty divorce....poor kids! He's tired of her games, so files for divorce and serves her the surprise papers at work and then goes about his regular routine? Goes to bed and is surprised when she arrives home and doesn't just slip in beside him?! OMG, they are both playing games. I don't think either has an automatic right to the bed and, IME, the one serving the papers is not always the one that leaves. IME, usually the one with primary responsibility for the kids stays, but that isn't a factor with 2 young adult kids. S
ETA: I'm curious if the boys were informed beforehand or found out about the divorce when mom arrived home? aveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveI do not know the answer to this and I'm not going to ask and you are right....they are both playing games.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Jul 20, 2016 17:28:55 GMT
I'm not...I've listened to my sibling and one of my nephews and tried to make them all see that there are 3 sides to every situation and everyone's perception is their truth and for them to try and keep an open mind and that all of this will pass. Please also note that I have NOT called anyone of them....they have reached out to me for a shoulder to lean on and I told both of them that I would be here for them no matter what happens that I loved them all and I wasn't going to take sides and they both said they understood and didn't expect me to take sides. Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having a close family. My sister's divorce didn't just affect her - it affected and devastated all of us. Of course we talked about it. She asked us to talk about it, both with her and without her. She wanted to do what was best for the children, and knew that she wasn't able to see things clearly at times. We all respect and value each other's opinions and advice. It was a group effort, and she never would have made it through it on her own. If that makes us a weirdly close family, then I guess I'm grateful to be in a weirdly close family.
You didn't come here to ask if it was ok that your family discussed the situation. You came here to ask opinions about which one of them should take the couch.
I disagree, the OP posted "It became common knowledge with the immediate family because that is what family does....when one files for a divorce, they typically share that information with their extended family, ie...siblings, parents, etc..." A family might inform others that they are filing for divorce, but in this case a lot of personal information is being shared, rehashed, vetted, posted on 2peas, which seems way outside the norm for many families. The OP has posted about 12 more responses to her original post.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jul 20, 2016 17:29:47 GMT
If I was served divorce papers at work and had no idea they were coming, no way would I go home and jump into the same bed as him. What would you say? Oh hi honey... Got the papers today.. We'll discuss them in the morning.. Sleep tight! I would find the couch and figure something else out in the morning. Maybe a rent a bed smack dab in the middle of the living room... Right in front of his TV. That seems like a good compromise. "this is now my bedroom. keep out"
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Post by nitad on Jul 20, 2016 17:31:48 GMT
My guess is that they have been sleeping separately in the same bed for years already. So I'm not sure why she's finding it such a big deal now.
They both need to act a little more adult and leave their children (and everyone else) out of it.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Jul 20, 2016 17:38:12 GMT
Your whole post. If you are not the wife or husband, you don't need to be discussing their situation "without them in the room." That's gossip. The amount of information you have is sad and should not even be your knowledge unless you are living with them. So you don't ever talk about or know anything about any of your siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, etc....with other siblings, etc... I find that hard to believe and frankly not "normal" family interactions.... We are not interjecting ourselves into their situation...none of us even live in the same state...1500 miles away. None of us were telling any of the others anything we hadn't already been told by the person in the marriage so this is not gossip in my opinion....gossip would be if one of us was told of their situation in confidence and we shared with the others without permission. My brother was divorced and he shared that he was divorcing his first wife, beyond the "we aren't getting along" or "we want different things in our lives", that's the extent of what he and his first wife cared to share with their respective families. I don't believe that is "hard to believe" or "not normal". My parents divorced and although we kids knew the real deal. What they told family was that they weren't getting along. You, along with how my sisters responded to my brother's divorce, in the "retelling" or "rehashing" of what everyone already knew or were told goes to what end? What is the purpose in your family chewing over the story again? That, in my opinion, is gossip as others have posted.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 17:38:53 GMT
Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having a close family. My sister's divorce didn't just affect her - it affected and devastated all of us. Of course we talked about it. She asked us to talk about it, both with her and without her. She wanted to do what was best for the children, and knew that she wasn't able to see things clearly at times. We all respect and value each other's opinions and advice. It was a group effort, and she never would have made it through it on her own. If that makes us a weirdly close family, then I guess I'm grateful to be in a weirdly close family.
You didn't come here to ask if it was ok that your family discussed the situation. You came here to ask opinions about which one of them should take the couch.
I disagree, the OP posted "It became common knowledge with the immediate family because that is what family does....when one files for a divorce, they typically share that information with their extended family, ie...siblings, parents, etc..." A family might inform others that they are filing for divorce, but in this case a lot of personal information is being shared, rehashed, vetted, posted on 2peas, which seems way outside the norm for many families. The OP has posted about 12 more responses to her original post. My 12 responses have been to shed light or explain a question someone had about the situation.....at no time did I ask is it okay or normal or am I wrong that families discuss these types of situations My OP was merely to ask who should take the couch...if anyone should.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Jul 20, 2016 17:40:43 GMT
I disagree, the OP posted "It became common knowledge with the immediate family because that is what family does....when one files for a divorce, they typically share that information with their extended family, ie...siblings, parents, etc..." A family might inform others that they are filing for divorce, but in this case a lot of personal information is being shared, rehashed, vetted, posted on 2peas, which seems way outside the norm for many families. The OP has posted about 12 more responses to her original post. My 12 responses have been to shed light or explain a question someone had about the situation.....at no time did I ask is it okay or normal or am I wrong that families discuss these types of situations My OP was merely to ask who should take the couch...if anyone should. Okay, I'll play your game. The above words in bold from your first post answers your own question.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 17:42:37 GMT
So you don't ever talk about or know anything about any of your siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, etc....with other siblings, etc... I find that hard to believe and frankly not "normal" family interactions.... We are not interjecting ourselves into their situation...none of us even live in the same state...1500 miles away. None of us were telling any of the others anything we hadn't already been told by the person in the marriage so this is not gossip in my opinion....gossip would be if one of us was told of their situation in confidence and we shared with the others without permission. My brother was divorced and he shared that he was divorcing his first wife, beyond the "we aren't getting along" or "we want different things in our lives", that's the extent of what he and his first wife cared to share with their respective families. I don't believe that is "hard to believe" or "not normal". My parents divorced and although we kids knew the real deal. What they told family was that they weren't getting along. You, along with how my sisters responded to my brother's divorce, in the "retelling" or "rehashing" of what everyone already knew or were told goes to what end? What is the purpose in your family chewing over the story again? That, in my opinion, is gossip as others have posted. I think you mean one other vs. others...although it could be argued 2 posters think it's gossip now. Frankly, I don't care if you think it's gossip....in our family it's not.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 17:46:15 GMT
My 12 responses have been to shed light or explain a question someone had about the situation.....at no time did I ask is it okay or normal or am I wrong that families discuss these types of situations My OP was merely to ask who should take the couch...if anyone should. Okay, I'll play your game. The above words in bold from your first post answers your own question. Thank you for proving my point....I just wanted to know what the general consensous would be and I agree...it's a silly thing to get upset over...no where did I ask...is it okay to even discuss this.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 20, 2016 17:50:14 GMT
Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having a close family. My sister's divorce didn't just affect her - it affected and devastated all of us. Of course we talked about it. She asked us to talk about it, both with her and without her. She wanted to do what was best for the children, and knew that she wasn't able to see things clearly at times. We all respect and value each other's opinions and advice. It was a group effort, and she never would have made it through it on her own. If that makes us a weirdly close family, then I guess I'm grateful to be in a weirdly close family.
You didn't come here to ask if it was ok that your family discussed the situation. You came here to ask opinions about which one of them should take the couch.
I disagree, the OP posted "It became common knowledge with the immediate family because that is what family does....when one files for a divorce, they typically share that information with their extended family, ie...siblings, parents, etc..." A family might inform others that they are filing for divorce, but in this case a lot of personal information is being shared, rehashed, vetted, posted on 2peas, which seems way outside the norm for many families. The OP has posted about 12 more responses to her original post. people often feel the need to share and talk out situations. Instead of bringing in people I'll, who know the couple, she is choosing to talk here. I don't see a problem with that.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Jul 20, 2016 17:56:41 GMT
Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having a close family. My sister's divorce didn't just affect her - it affected and devastated all of us. Of course we talked about it. She asked us to talk about it, both with her and without her. She wanted to do what was best for the children, and knew that she wasn't able to see things clearly at times. We all respect and value each other's opinions and advice. It was a group effort, and she never would have made it through it on her own. If that makes us a weirdly close family, then I guess I'm grateful to be in a weirdly close family.
You didn't come here to ask if it was ok that your family discussed the situation. You came here to ask opinions about which one of them should take the couch.
👆 👆 👆 I wish this thread would have stayed on topic. Gossip or not...who should take the darn bed? Lol DH and I are both stubborn so I could see this as a fight between us if a divorce happened. It wouldn't likely, because neither of us are willing to leave or give up our (small) house that we built ourselves. 😃
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 23:40:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 18:00:09 GMT
If peas was a gossip-free zone, there would be maybe three posts a day.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
Jul 1, 2014 6:33:14 GMT
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Post by joelise on Jul 20, 2016 18:06:17 GMT
1st, I would totally be talking about this, gossip or not. 2nd, if I was surprised served papers at work, I would come home pissed. 3rd, if I had no other choice, I would sleep in the bed, but I might do shit to make it miserable for my stbx. 4th, why the hell couldn't stbx wait a month till those boys went to college? I agree with this. Also, the husband knew what he planned to do, the wife didn't! The husband should have planned things better. Serving divorce papers to your wife at work is totally the wrong thing to do in my opinion. If this has come totally out of the blue for the wife then I think the husband is in the wrong. With regard to the wife making a scene when she got home; all I can say is that I've been in a similar situation and it wasn't pretty!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 23:40:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 18:08:17 GMT
It was my experience that one does not get to choose when and where divorce papers get served.
YMMV.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jul 20, 2016 18:23:21 GMT
It was my experience that one does not get to choose when and where divorce papers get served. YMMV. This was the case....or so I was told. My sibling indicated they were aware of about when (within a few days range) but not the exact date, or even where (it could be the home or place of employment) And was told it was done discreetly but acknowledged that they understood it must have been difficult for spouse to concentrate the rest of the day at work and did express how sorry spouse was for it, but felt they was no longer able to deal with the issues any longer.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Jul 20, 2016 18:59:02 GMT
A spouse who files and has divorce papers served to the other without giving the other party a heads up should vacate the bedroom...but it seems pretty clear they're both used to playing games and have avoidance issues, so that's not likely to happen. Going to be a long and ugly one most likely.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Jul 20, 2016 19:21:11 GMT
It was my experience that one does not get to choose when and where divorce papers get served. YMMV. This was the case....or so I was told. My sibling indicated they were aware of about when (within a few days range) but not the exact date, or even where (it could be the home or place of employment) And was told it was done discreetly but acknowledged that they understood it must have been difficult for spouse to concentrate the rest of the day at work and did express how sorry spouse was for it, but felt they was no longer able to deal with the issues any longer. I think the husband is an a$$, and is playing games as well. Since he knew the papers were being filed and delivered, he should have had a plan for where he could sleep. If finances were tight, he should have used his resources to figure out a place for him to stay, whether that's an air mattress in the living room, couch, or just on the floor.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 23:40:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2016 19:42:55 GMT
I haven't read any of the other responses so forgive me if this has already been asked/said.
1. Do the boys know about the divorce? If not, I'd keep up appearances until they are in the loop.
2. It's both your house/bed and while I wouldn't be comfortable filing for divorce and then sleeping in the same bed with that person, that's just me.
3. If he filed, I can see why she would think he'd leave, but no reason he has to.
He's got just as much right to do whatever in that house as she does.
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