zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884 
|
Post by zella on Aug 12, 2016 21:36:46 GMT
So I saw the endocrinologist this week. Only bad lab value so far is that I'm anemic. My dr recommended a supplement, which I just ordered, but says we need to keep a very close eye on this, as I might need iron transfusions. Also I have to get a colonoscopy which, given my terrible gut symptoms, I had already decided to do anyway. I'm waiting to hear back re: the colonoscopy. I should be able to get it done this month.
On Wednesday I was terribly ill, with bad abdominal pain, diarrhea, terrible nausea and hot flushes (I haven't had a day with no nausea at all in weeks, and I have a massive phobia about throwing up). My erratic hypertension gave me a reading of 215/107. That might be a record for me. I am on one medication that should lower my BP (clearly not doing much). Called my dr and she wanted me to go to ER, but I was doing an IV at the time (I have to do fluid IVs at home because I have days when I can't drink enough due to the nausea). So EMT's came over, and by the time they saw me my BP wasn't dangerous anymore (still elevated, but not "malignant hypertension." I decided not to go to the ER at that point.
Since Tuesday I've just stayed in bed, trying to drink enough, eating only when I get so hungry I can't stand it. Why? Because I know that after I eat ANYTHING (or drink anything other than water or ginger ale) I'm likely to have bad abdominal pain, diarrhea and nausea. If you have infalmmatory bowel and have found safe foods/drinks, please let me know (though it's tricky, and tends to be different for different people).
This has been going on for over a year and a half now. I am so, so, so tired of it. I can't explain how worn down I am.There are actually things I want to do, but I can't DO them because I'm too ill. I can't go anywhere that I can't reach a toilet quickly. Hubby wants to take me to Hawaii or the Caribbean, but what's the point when I feel so ill?
I am suicidal off and on. This week is very much on. I don't have a plan, per se, but I know several ways I can kill myself. I don't want to do that because I don't want to hurt my family, but I just don't know how much more I can take. So I'm asking you, please, try to keep tabs on me over the next week. PM me if you're not seeing me on the board, or give me suggestions and stories from your own experience.
Asking for help in this way isn't easy at all. But it's one of the things I'm supposed to do when I feel truly suicidal: reach out.
Please don't suggest I do volunteer work; I am not well enough. I did a massive volunteer project about a month ago, and it was great, but my health has tanked since then. Also, please remember that I am atheist, though prayers are always welcome.
Yes, I am in counseling. I was seeing her 3 hours a week until this week, when I had to cut back as the cost is entirely out of pocket.
Please help me, ladies. Thank you.
EDITED to add: being in a psychiatric hospital is not an option; I am too physically ill and they couldn't care for me and I'm too sick to fully participate.
|
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Aug 12, 2016 21:39:04 GMT
Don't forget that there is a suicide hotline you can call and it's free.
|
|
perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
|
Post by perumbula on Aug 12, 2016 21:50:46 GMT
I'm so sorry you are so sick.  Remember, you are loved. |
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Aug 12, 2016 21:55:27 GMT
I just sent a message to my counselor. She's awesome, and really cares about me, more than any other counselor I've ever had. I've not yet called a hotline, but I do know it's there, and there's always a first time.
|
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on Aug 12, 2016 22:07:32 GMT
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, Zella. Know that you will be in my thoughts and that I am happy to listen and support you during this. I will watch for you this week.
|
|
|
|
Post by SunnySmile on Aug 12, 2016 22:13:46 GMT
I have gut issues too. It's not fun. I also have diabetes and fibromyalgia and have a weight problem. I know how you feel. It's hard to go anywhere and not have a bathroom that you know exactly where it is ahead of time. Some days I just don't want to go on. The doc won't give me any narcotics, it's ridiculous. They all don't want to have the paperwork for it, so we suffer so they can have an easy day. The only thing that helps me when I feel as ill as you is to realize that there is always someone out there who has it worse than me. I have all my limbs and I'm mobile, despite the pain. It's a small way I can be thankful it's not worse. Try writing down things in your life that you are grateful for. It will give you a change of perspective. The other thing I do is sit down and have a really good cry occasionally. I let all the sorry for myself stuff come out, and then deal with the headache and stuffy nose afterward lol. Gentle hugs to you, I hope you find some answers soon.
|
|
uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,500
Location: London
|
Post by uksue on Aug 12, 2016 22:24:17 GMT
You sound as though you are where I was back in the mid 8o's when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis . The pain was indescribable and I remember telling my first husband I wanted to die- he was furious with me because he had never at that time experienced extreme pain . I threw really high temps as well, which I was told was due to the inflammation in my colon.
I didn't really find anything I could eat without causing spasms, but I did drink homemade rehydrate ( st marks solution ) which kept me hydrated . I also ate jelly ( you call it jello? ) but at room temp - I was told extreme cold food and drink causes more stomach cramps I'm afraid I had to go onto steroids to calm it all down .
I really hope and pray you will find out quickly what is going on and get appropriate treatment .
|
|
River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
|
Post by River on Aug 12, 2016 22:24:43 GMT
I just want to say that you are a valued member here and you a very much loved!
You are in my thoughts (and prayers)!
One breath at a time is how you get through this. I've been there with the same digestive issues. It's horribly miserable but can get resolved.
Much love from a me!
|
|
|
|
Post by LilyRose on Aug 12, 2016 23:06:44 GMT
Zella, I don't post a whole lot, but know that I have followed your story. I'm hoping your pain (both physical and mental) eases very, very soon. Hugs to you.
|
|
|
|
Post by gar on Aug 12, 2016 23:13:27 GMT
Please don't give up....you are too valuable for that although I have huge sympathy for all you're dealing with. It would severely test anyone so I really admire the fight you have in you. Hang in there Zella, just hang in there.
|
|
purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,732
|
Post by purplebee on Aug 12, 2016 23:13:37 GMT
Zella sending hugs and positive thoughts, and yes, some prayers your way. Please keep us informed about your situation, we care about you and want you to feel better, both emotionally and physically.
|
|
|
|
Post by crimsoncat05 on Aug 12, 2016 23:40:36 GMT
I so hope the colonoscopy gives you some answers... I can only imagine how draining it must feel mentally, as well as physically, to go through this. Please keep pushing your doctors- I also think it sounds like ulcerative colitis (in my unexpert opinion)... my sister suffered similarly for months, getting bounced from doctor to doctor, until she finally found the one who put it all together and diagnosed her. please keep posting here as you go through this time; there's always someone here who will talk to you!!  |
|
|
|
Post by kels99 on Aug 12, 2016 23:54:53 GMT
I know this seems counter-intuitive, but what about trying to keep a small amount of food in your system all the time? If I go for even a few hours without eating or drinking something, I get sick once I do eat, so I've been trying to constantly sip on water/tea or nibble on something small between meals and it's made a HUGE difference. I don't know why it works, but it really does for me. The two things I eat/nibble on most often are the "Food Should Taste Good" multi-grain chips and biscotti. I know you're feeling absolutely crummy, but maybe it's worth a try to have just a bite of cracker or something every few minutes instead of waiting until you're so hungry that you have to eat. And....The Seahawks start tomorrow.  (I think I remember that you're up here near Seattle and are a Hawks fan.) |
|
my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
|
Post by my3freaks on Aug 13, 2016 0:09:20 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Aug 13, 2016 0:10:32 GMT
(((Hugs)))) I agree with Kels above me - when I have gut issues - I get stomach ulcers - I do much better with a little bland dry food in my system most of the time. When my stomach is completely empty, the stomach acid just eats away at my gut and makes it all worse. I like European Butter Biscuits - also called Digestive Biscuits. They are dry, fairly bland, but just a touch sweet - not sugary, just a touch sweet. They calm my stomach by absorbing some of the acid. They look like this, although there are a number of brands:  |
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Aug 13, 2016 0:55:17 GMT
I have gut issues too. It's not fun. I also have diabetes and fibromyalgia and have a weight problem. I know how you feel. It's hard to go anywhere and not have a bathroom that you know exactly where it is ahead of time. Some days I just don't want to go on. The doc won't give me any narcotics, it's ridiculous. They all don't want to have the paperwork for it, so we suffer so they can have an easy day. The only thing that helps me when I feel as ill as you is to realize that there is always someone out there who has it worse than me. I have all my limbs and I'm mobile, despite the pain. It's a small way I can be thankful it's not worse. Try writing down things in your life that you are grateful for. It will give you a change of perspective. The other thing I do is sit down and have a really good cry occasionally. I let all the sorry for myself stuff come out, and then deal with the headache and stuffy nose afterward lol. Gentle hugs to you, I hope you find some answers soon. I'm sorry you have such a tough time, too. I did have a good cry the other day. And I had been doing a daily mental gratitude list; I'll get back to doing that. One of the hardest things about abdominal/intestinal pain is that normal painkillers don't help at all, and narcotics, even if they do help, cause constipation, which actually can make things worse. It's ridiculous. |
|
|
|
Post by meeko77 on Aug 13, 2016 0:57:59 GMT
I am so sorry for what you are going through. We are here for you! <3
|
|
|
|
Post by Linda on Aug 13, 2016 1:00:58 GMT
((((Hugs))) and prayers. You are a strong and inspiring woman - keep on fighting and I hope and pray you'll get answers soon and start feeling better.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Aug 13, 2016 1:01:04 GMT
You sound as though you are where I was back in the mid 8o's when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis . The pain was indescribable and I remember telling my first husband I wanted to die- he was furious with me because he had never at that time experienced extreme pain . I threw really high temps as well, which I was told was due to the inflammation in my colon. I didn't really find anything I could eat without causing spasms, but I did drink homemade rehydrate ( st marks solution ) which kept me hydrated . I also ate jelly ( you call it jello? ) but at room temp - I was told extreme cold food and drink causes more stomach cramps I'm afraid I had to go onto steroids to calm it all down . I really hope and pray you will find out quickly what is going on and get appropriate treatment . Thank you, sweetie. Yeah, the pain is a newer symptom, and is getting worse. I actually did think about jello; we can get it ready made, so maybe I'll try that. It would help up my fluid intake. The oral rehydration crystals and drinks aren't usually very easy to drink, in my experience. But jello might be okay. |
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Aug 13, 2016 1:02:52 GMT
I just want to say that you are a valued member here and you a very much loved! You are in my thoughts (and prayers)! One breath at a time is how you get through this. I've been there with the same digestive issues. It's horribly miserable but can get resolved. Much love from a me! Thank you so much. I need all the love and support I can get right now. Every day that I only have milder sympoms, I think "maybe I can do this." But then I have a really bad day, and I just don't see how I can keep going another 10, 15, 20 years like this. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 12:31:25 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2016 1:06:23 GMT
I'm sorry you have so many issues. I have positive thoughts and prayers for you. Many people here care about you.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Aug 13, 2016 1:09:46 GMT
I know this seems counter-intuitive, but what about trying to keep a small amount of food in your system all the time? If I go for even a few hours without eating or drinking something, I get sick once I do eat, so I've been trying to constantly sip on water/tea or nibble on something small between meals and it's made a HUGE difference. I don't know why it works, but it really does for me. The two things I eat/nibble on most often are the "Food Should Taste Good" multi-grain chips and biscotti. I know you're feeling absolutely crummy, but maybe it's worth a try to have just a bite of cracker or something every few minutes instead of waiting until you're so hungry that you have to eat. And....The Seahawks start tomorrow. (I think I remember that you're up here near Seattle and are a Hawks fan.) LOL, yes, we live outside of Seattle and are definitely Seahawks fans at our house. Don't know that we'll be able to watch the game (no cable tv). I'm currently sipping on Perrier, the kind with lime. Hubby came home and his first action was to get me a new drink. He's good about that. I might try what you're suggesting as far as eating; it's not going to make me worse, I think. It's so frustrating because the food I want is cooked vegetables, potatoes, fruit. But the veggies and fruit just don't do well with me right now. Maybe some mashed potatoes for dinner. |
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Aug 13, 2016 1:15:52 GMT
(((Hugs)))) I agree with Kels above me - when I have gut issues - I get stomach ulcers - I do much better with a little bland dry food in my system most of the time. When my stomach is completely empty, the stomach acid just eats away at my gut and makes it all worse. I like European Butter Biscuits - also called Digestive Biscuits. They are dry, fairly bland, but just a touch sweet - not sugary, just a touch sweet. They calm my stomach by absorbing some of the acid. They look like this, although there are a number of brands: I really like those biscuits, Elaine. I'll get my family to pick some up for me. Marie Lu is another brand that's similar. I love McVitie's digestive, but it's not as gentle on the tummy. And wouldn't you know I've been trying to cut back on wheat and sugar in an effort to decrease my migraine frequency and severity. Guess that's just not going to happen right now. |
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Aug 13, 2016 1:16:58 GMT
If I don't reply to your message individually, PLEASE know that I read it, and appreciated it. Every one.
|
|
happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
|
Post by happymomma on Aug 13, 2016 1:26:39 GMT
I've been in a very similar state of mind. The only things that kept me alive were my personal belief about suicide and Heaven, and the fact that I could NOT do that to my son. So, you are right for thinking of how that would hurt your loved ones. So, scrapmaven once wrote a phrase on here and I wrote it out on a post-it note. It said, "Keep going until the light shines again." I can't tell you how much that became my mantra, even though I had my doubts that it ever would shine again. But it did! I'm still sick every day, but I've accepted the loss of my best friend who died in her sleep unexpectedly one night, and my marriage is better than ever. I've finally started to actually feel joy at things again, something I thought was lost forever. Please keep posting here. There's always someone around to hang out with you! Xoxo |
|
|
|
Post by hollymolly on Aug 13, 2016 1:36:14 GMT
I do think of you often and pray that you will get relief. You are valued here. Please know that. I am so proud of you for asking this of us. I know how hard it is to reach out, and that is what I am supposed to do when my own depression gets bad. I hope you feel like you won a battle just now because you did. You are a rock star for asking for help while your demon has you down. We have your back.
PS This has been an exceptionally bad week for me with depression, and yesterday I had a full blown panic attack for the first time in 7 years. It WILL get better, and we are strong. ❤
|
|
|
|
Post by Freefallfast on Aug 13, 2016 1:45:15 GMT
At the risk of getting flamed, and this may be controversial, but have you tried Marijuana. Not sure if it's legal where you are but it may help relax you.
Your brain could probably use a break and when that happens to me I put on the classical music radio station. Then I meditate. Some might call it daydreaming but I star in my own little private happy movies.
And please note the 2 suggestions are separate but can be used together.
I also try and read funny stuff on pinterest because laughing does help body and soul.
I'V been there with the mental issues so I want to tell you I'm pulling for you.
|
|
TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,775
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
|
Post by TankTop on Aug 13, 2016 1:47:46 GMT
I just want to say that you are a valued member here and you a very much loved! You are in my thoughts (and prayers)! One breath at a time is how you get through this. I've been there with the same digestive issues. It's horribly miserable but can get resolved. Much love from a me! Thank you so much. I need all the love and support I can get right now. Every day that I only have milder sympoms, I think "maybe I can do this." But then I have a really bad day, and I just don't see how I can keep going another 10, 15, 20 years like this. I pray you find a way to relieve your pain and live the next 10, 15, 20 years happily. I am so sorry. I am pretty much the world's biggest baby, so I admire your ability to fight for yourself despite your pain. |
|
maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,623
|
Post by maurchclt on Aug 13, 2016 1:55:07 GMT
I have no answers, just wanted to send you some HUGS, hope you get some relief soon.
|
|
inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
|
Post by inkedup on Aug 13, 2016 2:18:49 GMT
zella, sending love and light your way. I am sorry you're in such excruciating pain. It took a lot of courage to reach out. Please keep reaching out. There are many hands here to hold yours and many arms waiting to catch you. hollymolly, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, as well. I hope you will also continue to reach out for support. Both of you lare kind, interesting, compassionate and lovely. Both of you matter.
|
|
Remember, you are loved. 
(I think I remember that you're up here near Seattle and are a Hawks fan.)
