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Post by pb on Aug 22, 2016 17:37:40 GMT
I am in awe about your response to your daughter. Way to go for being, calm, strong, and supportive. I am so glad she came to you and I am so grateful to the peas who have been on that road are reaching out.
(((Hugs)))
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 22, 2016 18:10:08 GMT
(((Hugs))) Please be gentle on yourself. The thing about depression is that you often suffer silently, and privately. You had no idea because she most likely didn't want you to know. You and your daughter will be in my thoughts. Repeating to emphasize. Having a child with depression is extremely hard on you, stumpedagainof3. I know your concern is for your daughter, but our concern extends to you as well.
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Post by reedina on Aug 22, 2016 18:31:20 GMT
Been there. It is kick butt hard and caused me to have my own anxiety and depression. You are doing the right things. You are her advocate and you have the wisdom of life experience behind you. Healing is a long process but it will happen. Love to you and your daughter. If you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me. You are not alone.
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Post by reedina on Aug 22, 2016 18:34:59 GMT
Also.....googling alternatives to self harm is a start but it shouldn't replace professional help from a therapist who specializes in adolescents. I am sure you know this, just sharing what our experience has been. We had best results with a combination of therapy and meds. I felt the burden very acutely of finding good mental health care. I still do.
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aja
Shy Member
Posts: 37
Sept 3, 2015 11:32:33 GMT
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Post by aja on Aug 22, 2016 18:52:01 GMT
I started cutting as a teen and did it until my mid 20's. Cutting is a form of control (because you can't control other areas of your life) and a release of pain. I don't know that I ever told my mom or if she ever saw it. I would say I wanted to kill myself as a teen but if I truly wanted to do it, I would have. Meaning instead of just cutting up my legs or arms, I could have, would have vs just cutting. I'm not trying to minimize it, just giving my experience of it. I'd hope the hospital evaluated her to determine she wasn't a threat to herself.
I've not experienced this as a parent, only know what it's like to live through it. It's good she came to you and that you responded kindly, without judgment. I'm sure counseling will help. Hopefully that can help her to get to the root of why she does it and learn positive coping skills to deal with it. Sorry you are both going through this.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 22, 2016 18:53:43 GMT
I am sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. I hope she recovers soon. I'm glad you can find some solace in coming here to 2peas.
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Post by ilikepink on Aug 22, 2016 19:39:44 GMT
I'm so sorry you both are going through this. You are not a failure--when your DD told you of the problem, you handled it and are seeking help--that's success. It will not be an easy journey, but you will both be better and stronger at the end, and probably have a better mother/daughter relationship.
Hugs to you both.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Aug 22, 2016 19:42:33 GMT
{{{Hugs}}} A close friend of my daughter cuts and it is very scary. Her form of asking for help was to tell my daughter knowing that I would tell her mother. My daughter has seen a counselor to deal with her anxiety about her friend's well being. Please get your daughter a counselor, it helps to have an outside voice. The friend's mother tried to keep it a secret and deal with it alone which did not work at all. She is finally seeing a counselor and it seems to be helping.
{{{More hugs}}} Also, I think you did great getting her immediate help. She asked and you responded. That is the best you can do. Keep listening and keep the communication channels open.
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Post by idahomom on Aug 22, 2016 20:42:22 GMT
You are not alone. There are several moms here trying to help our kids through this. Over a year ago my daughter (now 16) was cutting and came to me about it. We did counseling and thought she was doing better. Last February I caught a glimpse of her arm with deep fresh cuts and many old cuts. We went right to the ER because she started hyperventilating when I saw the cuts. I hugged her and asked if she wanted to talk and she just went into a zone. We had an excellent ER doctor who also ended up counseling our family that night and said some pretty harsh things to my husband who is the root of a lot of my daughter's anxiety and depression. My daughter said she had a suicide plan and that was enough for us to have her go from the ER to an inpatient adolescent psychiatric hospital where she spent 10 days.
Her school is very involved. Her school counselor, school nurse, and a couple of teachers that my daughter confides in are all in the loop of what progress/relapses she makes. She has safe people at school to go to when an anxiety attack hits. My daughter knows she can leave class and go right to the nurse where there is a quiet room to collect herself, cry, call me, etc. They are all so supportive. Her counselor called me to thank me for being a parent who sought help rather than sweep it under the rug. That meant a lot because I thought they would think I was a whining parent calling about their special kid who needs special attention. Not the case. Get them involved to help watch out for her.
We have been through three counselors since February - none of them are any good. My daughter says its "bullshit" and I agree as far as what I've been involved with so far. My daughter continues to see a psychiatrist (second one) and she's on the third anti-depressant/anxiety medication which I think is helping a bit (Celexa). She says she still feels the same and the meds don't help, but I see positives, as small as they may seem. She gets dressed in cute outfits rather than leggings and t-shirts every day. She asked to test for her driver's license after being on her permit for over a year. She initiates conversations with sales clerks (normally a very shy quiet girl). She initiates outings with friends and wants to hang out with friends more often. She has more normal/happy/playful days over tearful lay on the couch all day days. Little things, but all positive things. I do body checks and she has not cut. She has one razor in the shower. All other sharps and pills are locked in cash boxes. They get creative. My daughter took box blades out of the toolbox in the garage (it's now locked). She took apart erasers. Some of the blades I found I don't know what they came from. We "cleaned" her room. She had blades hidden in books. She was visiting instagram accounts having to do with cutting and depression. I can't control everything, but suggested that she visit positive uplifting accounts. When I've sneaked a peak at her phone I do not see any disturbing accounts so I hope she's blocked all of that.
My husband got into counseling immediately and has continued. He can benefit from anger management and he's now going to see a psychiatrist as well because his brother is bipolar and my husband's medical doctor diagnosed him as depressed as well.
I hope you experience what I have which in the end is a beautifully close relationship with my daughter. She had friends over yesterday to meet the new foreign exchange student and my daughter asked if she missed her family. The student said no. My daughter said "not even your mom?" And the student said no. I heard my daughter say that she would miss me and couldn't stand to be away from me. My heart melted. We have become so incredibly close and it's wonderful. My daughter doesn't like to be alone. She doesn't hang out in her room. She doesn't even want to sleep in her room. She and I share a room for now because she feels safe - otherwise she can't sleep. I've slept apart from my husband due to his snoring, restless legs, and insomnia anyway. She just started being okay with staying home alone when I run for a quick errand. I think it's strange for a teenage girl to not want to have alone time, but I also want to keep my eyes on her and know that she's safe. I love spending time with her anyway so it makes me happy.
We still have a long road ahead. I am very worried about when/if she goes to college who will look out for her. Who will keep her motivated to get out of bed and get to the school on the days when she says she just can't do it. Who will make sure she's safe.
There's no fast fix. We will never understand how hurting themselves relieves their stress. Just try not to freak out on her. It's very hard to do when you see the permanent scars. Keep the communication open. I'm finding it hard to be a parent, but also be her best friend. To keep the rules and boundaries that need to be kept, but keep her from shutting me out. It's hard not to piss her off, but still be firm and get her to keep doing what she needs to do. You very well may need counseling as well. I live with two depressed people and it's exhausting being the positive one and trying to keep everyone else positive. I don't feel I'm allowed a grumpy day. I'm dabbling with counseling, but I'm not sure yet how I feel about it. Stay strong.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,760
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 22, 2016 21:03:54 GMT
Just read this and wanted to throw my support in there, too. I can't imagine what you both are going through, but that she feels she can go to you is a sure win in the mom category! I hope goes well at your appointment. Sending cyber hugs to you both!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 16:23:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2016 21:15:22 GMT
I will add that my daughter admitted to me that she cut for some time during her teens. She was in college before i knew. I was crushed that I had never even considered she might be doing something like it. I thought we were so close that I would never miss such a thing. It wasn't that we weren't close it was just she was *that* good at hiding what she didn't want me to see.
She's doing so well now. Just graduated college with a degree in Social Work and is working on her masters as we speak. She married a great lady in June and they moved to Denver where they are really enjoying their new life.
There is hope! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. {{{{ hugs to you both }}}}
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 22, 2016 21:24:16 GMT
I haven't read the whole thread I did not want to read and run.
Thinking of you and hoping your daughter gets the help she needs.
I have a 13 year old. It is so hard to parent.
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newlywoods03
Pearl Clutcher
Blessed Beyond Measure
Posts: 2,828
Jun 26, 2014 3:09:09 GMT
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Post by newlywoods03 on Aug 22, 2016 21:30:07 GMT
I didn't want to read and run..
Thank you for being there for your daughter and that you make it comfortable and safe for her to approach you. I pray that she is able to get the help that she needs. She is blessed that she has you as her voice and advocate.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,516
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Aug 22, 2016 21:34:07 GMT
(((Hugs))) I'm another who's impressed that your daughter came to you for help. Hang in there, and keep loving her. My parents' love is what kept me alive when I was a severely depressed teen.
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Post by SunnySmile on Aug 22, 2016 21:54:43 GMT
I am going through this with my dd also. We, unfortunately did not react the right way. We questioned why and so forth, which only made it worse. Of course we got her into the doctor right away. She didn't come to us, we saw the marks on her arm. She is on meds right now and has seen a social worker which did nothing for her. I need to get her a psychologist/psychiatrist. She is taking the meds but with complaint, says they do nothing for her. I told her we may have to try different meds/dosages before we get it right. I think the reason she does this is probably our fault. She is not abused or anything like that, but last year she was such a slacker on school work, and we stayed on her case a lot about it. She wasn't following rules at home, and we were on her case about that. She was outright disobedient and disrespectful and we were on her case about that. So, I feel super guilty, but what is a parent supposed to do? Just let their teens walk all over them and do whatever they want?
I'm so glad you handled your situation better. If I could go back and do the last year over, I would do it differently. Praying for you and your daughter along with my own.
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Post by Really Red on Aug 22, 2016 23:02:50 GMT
I hope putting a little time in between what happened and reflecting on it must help. I can understand you thinking you're a bad parent, but that is SO NOT the case!!! Your daughter came to you and you are taking action. You are doing the best you possibly can. My heart hurts for you and especially for your daughter who doesn't know how to express these hateful feelings. I wish we could just show our kids the future sometimes, to show them that it gets so much better.
I hope that this ends up being a good thing for both of you. I just can't help but think that she trusts you because she told you what she did. That is so important.
Many, many hugs.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 22, 2016 23:14:41 GMT
I just wanted to give you hugs. This is a hard road to navigate. I was a cutter. It wasn't until my 20s that I had a proper diagnosis of bipolar disorder and began taking appropriate meds and had the cognitive behavioral therapy I needed. My teen years were very rough. I am currently going through this with my son who also has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Thankfully he doesn't cut himself but he has struggled with suicidal thoughts. We are also dealing with the added stress of him refusing therapy. I have taken him to two different therapists and at this point he flat out refuses to go. He has struggled to find the right meds as well. It is very stressful so I understand completely how you're feeling. I keep trying with him. But it hard to watch. I wish you the best of luck.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Aug 22, 2016 23:19:30 GMT
I'm so sorry. I've been there. My older daughter was a serious self-harmer; she also had a couple of suicide attempts. She did survive it all, and now is 27, married and a mom. I'm going to ask her for advice to forward to you.
One thing I learned: if you put your daughter in a program with other cutters, she will learn from them how to be a "better" cutter. So if you consider inpatient and even day programs know that this happens. They will teach each other tricks, things to use, places to hide their sharp objects, where to cut and not get caught. I am not saying this to frighten you; it's something I wish I'd realized sooner.
If someone is determined to self-harm, they will find a way to do it. Another thing I learned. You can lock up your knives, razors and glassware and they will still find a way. This doesn't make you a bad parent. It isn't your fault. It is the disease. I will say this: if by any chance you have guns in your home, please get rid of them until your daughter is out of this phase in her life; although not many girls use a gun to kill themselves, it is too easy for a brief thought of self-harm to become fatal when there is a gun in the house.
Your daughter does need counseling. And she may need medication as well. It can be difficult to find a counselor with whom you have rapport, so be willing to try different people if necessary.
I can't lie: you have a hard road ahead. But your daughter CAN get through this and so can you. I hear you when you say your heart is breaking; I so understand. I still have times when I wish life had been different for my girls and I. I still wish I could take away the pain. I learned to rein in my expectations. A good day was if my daughter made it through alive. And that's, to a large extent, how we got through the tough years. Day by day. Keep the lines of communication open. Try your hardest not to appear judgmental when your daughter talks to you. Know that the cutting itself, though very, very upsetting, rarely causes physical harm (other than scarring, which can be permanent). The more your daughter sees it upsets you, the less likely she is to come to you. Find other parents to talk to, so you can share your pain and worry. I'm here. And I know there are others. Please PM me if you need to talk privately. I wish I could give you a big hug and just let you cry and talk.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 22, 2016 23:40:29 GMT
She says she still feels the same and the meds don't help, but I see positives, as small as they may seem. She gets dressed in cute outfits rather than leggings and t-shirts every day. She asked to test for her driver's license after being on her permit for over a year. She initiates conversations with sales clerks (normally a very shy quiet girl). She initiates outings with friends and wants to hang out with friends more often. She has more normal/happy/playful days over tearful lay on the couch all day days. Little things, but all positive things. This is a problem with depression. You have to consciously compare where you are today to where you were yesterday by these little things just to feel like you are moving in a positive direction because you just might not be able to tell otherwise. SunnySmile - It sounds like you're still in the rough part too. {{{Hugs}}}
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 23, 2016 1:09:20 GMT
For some being a teen is the most difficult time of life. You sound like a wonderful mom from the way you reacted. She's lucky to have you. Now that you are aware, half the battle is won. Thank goodness she came to you. I hope the fact that she did may bring you closer than ever.
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leeny
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,632
Location: Northern California
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Aug 23, 2016 2:13:14 GMT
So sorry to see this. My prayers are with you and your family. Having been through this with our dd, I know what you are going through. Most everyone has given great advice that I would agree with.
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Post by scrappintoee on Aug 23, 2016 5:02:25 GMT
stumpedagainof3----Hi, I was checking to see if you'd posted an update. As you see, you have MANY people here that care, and, since I last saw this thread, I see many here have either been through it themselves and/or with their children; so you have LOTS of support and understanding here---I hope that helps you!!! I have no experience with this; and now, reading everyones' stories--wow! I'm sending ALL of you many ((( hugs )))) and prayers!
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,828
Jun 29, 2014 1:56:04 GMT
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Post by teddyw on Aug 23, 2016 11:46:33 GMT
Her telling you is the first step.
I'd look through my insurance info for psych providers. They usually can't get you in same day.
Good thoughts for her to get better.
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Post by idahomom on Aug 25, 2016 13:29:47 GMT
I've been thinking about this post all week. I wanted to check in and see if you got any help over the last few days. How are things?
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Post by Patter on Aug 25, 2016 13:54:14 GMT
I've been thinking about this post all week. I wanted to check in and see if you got any help over the last few days. How are things? I have been wondering too. Oh I pray the pediatrician was able to help.
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Post by lemondrop on Aug 25, 2016 17:13:17 GMT
I have not been through anything like this, and my heart goes out to you and all the other peas who have experienced this either themselves or with their children. Sending hugs
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Post by peanuttle on Aug 25, 2016 17:25:36 GMT
My heart is hurting for you and your sweet daughter so bad. As mom's we are suppose to be able to fix everything for our kids and take their pain away, but there are some things we just can't do. I can't imagine what you and your daughter are going through.
You are a great mom and are doing what you should be doing. Keep it up! You both are in my prayers.
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