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Post by underwatermama on Oct 20, 2016 19:02:50 GMT
Has he visited the college that is further away? We did college visits to another part of our state and DS decided he didn't want to even apply there. Not to mention we had car problems on the way home and had an unexpected overnight on the way home. I think he figures if he's far away he'd rather fly there than drive. Which makes no sense, but he's a teenager. My thoughts are all about cost since we are paying and trying to avoid crushing school debt. One thing that really helped us is that our daughter knew we had $X amount that we were willing to pay. Our amount was what it would cost to attend the state flagship. She would have to pay for any amount above that. She was a fan of small private liberal arts colleges. She had two schools that were clear favorites. She opted for the one where the cost combined with her merit award and a generous renewable scholarship would allow her to finish school with no debt. Fortunately she loved the school and probably would have chosen it even if the other school cost the same. I'm glad we talked about cost before we stepped on a campus. We let her know we would help her find the best school for her in our price range. She came in a few thousand under budget. Yup, that's basically what we've said in a different way. Apply anywhere you want, but we are willing to pay X and if these other schools accept you (privates), they'll need to provide a package to make up the difference in cost. He has excellent test scores and almost excellent grades (not quite as impressive as the test score but hopefully enough to wow someone), so we'll see what happens next.
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Post by smokeynspike on Oct 20, 2016 19:11:04 GMT
I am planning on paying for my dd's college and so i am willing to pay in state tuition. I would like her to graduate with no loans, like I did. It sucked having to pay my dh's small student loan off and I don't want that for her. She ultimately has final say where to attend, but I have final say on what I'm willing to pay for. LOL
Melissa
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Post by snappinsami on Oct 20, 2016 22:26:51 GMT
I've enjoyed reading all of the replies here, and have learned some new things too. DD is a junior in high school now. Admittedly, her grades aren't stellar, but they're OK. Last spring, she bought a couple of HUGE books - one of colleges and one of college majors - and spent weeks going through them. She also attended a college fair. She came back from that with a ton of information from schools, and one surprising one (LSU) really caught her eye. They've been courting her ever since, and rarely does a week go by that she doesn't get something in the mail from them. A few weeks ago, she was invited to a dinner/presentation with them, and came out of it even more excited about going there. She has impressed me with how realistic she is about her grades and our finances. (Apparently much more than her friends, who don't have a clue what grades are needed for the schools they dream of or how much it actually costs to go there.) She is thinking about three major options: - Go to a public community college near here for two years and then transfer to a 4-year UC or CSU school.
- Start out in a 4-year in-state school (she's already eying San Diego State and a few other CSU schools).
- She has a few out of state schools in mind, but she knows from a budget standpoint, they'd be a stretch (LSU included).
I don't plan on trying to influence her decision (my parents did that with me, and I was really unhappy where I ended up), although I'd love for her to have the experience of living on campus as a freshman, etc. So it'll be her decision, when the time comes. I'm looking forward to seeing how it all plays out!
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Post by Tamhugh on Oct 20, 2016 22:49:39 GMT
When #1 was looking for a college, he had a big list of schools to consider. He originally wanted to go far away and we told him that would be fine, but that we would not be able to afford to fly him home more than once or twice a year. After driving to a school 7 hours away, he realized that was the max for him. He ended up falling in love with the one an hour and 20 minutes away.
We also made them look at a variety of schools so they had a better idea of what they liked... urban, rural, small, big. Oldest was surprised when he liked the smaller school we visited, but in the end he went big and urban. The only other influence we had was that we told them how much we could/would pay. If they chose a school in that price range, they would have it covered. If they chose one of the more expensive private schools, they would have debt when the graduated. DS#1 was very independent about the whole process. DS#2 did not want to be bothered and told us to just pick some schools for him to visit and apply to. It is no coincidence that the oldest loved his college experience and they youngest just looked at it as a means to an end.
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Post by supersoda on Oct 20, 2016 23:32:22 GMT
If you haven't done so already, I suggest visiting both campuses and maybe even doing overnight visits before making a decision. And make that 8 hour drive to the farther one.
I was in the opposite situation--I did not want my kid 30 minutes from home because I really want her to not depend on us as much. She ended up 3 hours away, which is perfect, but I would have been ok with 8 hours. I agree with others who think the unarticulated reason for wanting to go farther away was to get away from mom and dad.
I worked closely with DD to pick her school. She really struggled with figuring out what she wanted. We did a lot of visits, and she quickly figured out that she had no interest in large state universities. Then we were able to focus on smaller liberal arts colleges. It came down to 2 that she really liked. I strongly preferred one to the other, but tried not to express this to her because I really wanted it to be her decision. Ultimately, the one I preferred gave her a better merit scholarship, which helped make the decision. But we visited that school 3 times before committing.
I also encouraged her not to focus on specific programs. So many kids change majors after their first year, so, for my kid, the best fit overall was more important than a specific program.
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Post by cannmom on Oct 21, 2016 0:41:35 GMT
DS is a high school junior. I have steered him in the direction of a school that I know is a good fit for him. We visited last year and he really liked everything about the school. We are getting ready to do a second visit next weekend. At this point he really isn't interested in any other schools, but we will visit a few more so he has some comparison.
I felt that as a parent that has some experience with the whole college thing that it was my responsibility to help him out. Knowing his personality I could see where he will thrive and I know where he might not. In the end the decision will be his with limits based on finances. I'm pretty sure that if he gets in his top pick and the merit money is where it needs to be he will end up at the school I essentially picked for him.
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Post by chirpingcricket on Oct 21, 2016 1:07:57 GMT
My dear sweet baby boy is in his last year at junior college, and he needs to pick the college to finish up a bachelor's degree.
I am way over my personal limit preference for how much I'm pushing him to find a college for the next step and make a freakin' decision.
Really, I should be more forthcoming about all the background stuff here. Darling Son has a very reticent personality type. He has a tendency to hesitate. A LOT. We homeschooled from grade 2 through the end of high school. Convincing him he was ready to take the GED took years. *Years*, y'all. When he finally took it, he tested in the top 2% of regular publicly-schooled students.
We are willing to pay in-state tuition for him. He could go to the University of Tennessee, and we would pay his tuition.
Or -- conversely -- he could spend a year in Las Vegas, establish residency, and go to the University of Nevada/Las Vegas.
Both of those scenarios would find him happily ensconced in a residence he could afford (Home, or in my sister's home), and going to a fabulous public university.
(UT and UNLV have very similar in-state tuition prices.)
We really hope he will pick one of these two affordable things.
But. OMG. He will not look at either school seriously!!! It's killing me!!!! I feel like a broken record, "Please, sweetie, pleeeeeeeease sign up as an interested student with UT and UNLV, please, honey, please, PLEEEEEEEASE book a trip to Las Vegas to visit your auntie in December so you can tour UNLV, sugar, sugar plum, puhhleeeeeeeeeze, you gotta get started on this, honey bunch, you gotta get going with this, you're going to finish with Roane State in the spring, and *then* what are you gonna do, honey, Famous Dave's ain't gonna promote you to General Manager if you don't get an education, sugar, please, will you just look at the websites, please?!?!"
Broken record.
I'm exhausted.
Yes, I'm trying to influence him. I do not want him to end up with $120,000 in debt and a degree that qualifies him for flipping burgers at McDonald's.
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Post by txdancermom on Oct 21, 2016 1:37:26 GMT
we had very little influence on where our kids went. dd wanted us to help her decide, and we wouldn't. we let them both go and stay overnight on the campuses they were interested in, and that helped them make their decision. ds came home and said it felt like he belonged, and dd stayed at 2 and felt more at home at one of them.
my feeling is that he needs to decide where he wants to go - and if after a year he decides it is not for him, support him in his next choice. college is where they mature and learn to live on their own in a realtively safe environment.
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,363
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Oct 21, 2016 4:24:54 GMT
I have a dd in college, and my younger dd is a junior, so we're starting this process again.
I personally have no problem inserting myself into it. Ultimately, the final decision is up to her, but I feel that it is up to us to guide her through it. Like others here, we have so much that we're willing to pay. We'd like our girls to leave school debt-free if possible, and we've talking to them about what schools may make that possible. If they want to go someplace where that's not possible, that is their decision.
I have found that both of my girls need guidance and a reality check, if you will. My older dd thought it would be really great at first to go to school in a far away place, but changed her tune when I reminded her that if said school wasn't within a reasonable driving distance, she would only be returning home at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that our visits would be few and far between. It is something to think about. My older daughter chose a public university that is about 2 hours from our house, and she is able to get here for the night if she chooses or has a reason to be here, and we can easily make a day trip to see her. She's been happy there and I wouldn't be surprised if our younger daughter chooses the same school.
My younger dd has no idea what she wants to study or where she wants to go to school. Yesterday night we attended college night and picked up brochures and information on a number of schools. Dh and I will sit down with her and will guide her through some things to look for and compare. Then we'll figure out when to visit the schools that interest her. I have found that my girls had no idea where to begin or what to think about when deciding upon a college. I'm more than happy to help facilitate the process and feel that this can be done without micromanaging or making decisions for her.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 5:20:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2016 4:37:35 GMT
My dear sweet baby boy is in his last year at junior college, and he needs to pick the college to finish up a bachelor's degree. I am way over my personal limit preference for how much I'm pushing him to find a college for the next step and make a freakin' decision. Really, I should be more forthcoming about all the background stuff here. Darling Son has a very reticent personality type. He has a tendency to hesitate. A LOT. We homeschooled from grade 2 through the end of high school. Convincing him he was ready to take the GED took years. *Years*, y'all. When he finally took it, he tested in the top 2% of regular publicly-schooled students. We are willing to pay in-state tuition for him. He could go to the University of Tennessee, and we would pay his tuition. Or -- conversely -- he could spend a year in Las Vegas, establish residency, and go to the University of Nevada/Las Vegas.Both of those scenarios would find him happily ensconced in a residence he could afford (Home, or in my sister's home), and going to a fabulous public university. (UT and UNLV have very similar in-state tuition prices.) We really hope he will pick one of these two affordable things. But. OMG. He will not look at either school seriously!!! It's killing me!!!! I feel like a broken record, "Please, sweetie, pleeeeeeeease sign up as an interested student with UT and UNLV, please, honey, please, PLEEEEEEEASE book a trip to Las Vegas to visit your auntie in December so you can tour UNLV, sugar, sugar plum, puhhleeeeeeeeeze, you gotta get started on this, honey bunch, you gotta get going with this, you're going to finish with Roane State in the spring, and *then* what are you gonna do, honey, Famous Dave's ain't gonna promote you to General Manager if you don't get an education, sugar, please, will you just look at the websites, please?!?!" Broken record. I'm exhausted. Yes, I'm trying to influence him. I do not want him to end up with $120,000 in debt and a degree that qualifies him for flipping burgers at McDonald's. For those aged 26 and under it will take more than a year. He will need to prove he is totally able to support himself financially, receives no financial assistance from anyone AND no one is claiming him as a dependent on their taxes.
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,868
Jun 29, 2014 1:56:04 GMT
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Post by teddyw on Oct 21, 2016 11:18:30 GMT
We encouraged our kids to look in state because of the cost. If they were considering something specialized that only particular schools offer then we would say look at the best school. Dd1 went out of state the first year and blew through her money we saved so she had to get loans. Dd2 has a very good scholarship to a small private school. She's trying to avoid loans. Both ended up close to home but we didn't go there very often. I never just show up. Dd3 is still in high school so we are just starting visits but she keeps changing her mind. I try not to say anything.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 21, 2016 11:49:43 GMT
8 hours away is a long haul so for the college visitation make sure your DS drives it (you can co-pilot). A flight won't give him a real feel for the distance he might be choosing. Drive, don't fly. I really think kids underestimate that they might get homesick sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving. But they need to be far enough away that they have to figure out time management, laundry, scheduling, part-time jobs, etc. agree with this!! One of the colleges that DD initially liked is about an 8 hour drive away. After visiting it and making the drive there and back home she said it was "too far" to have to drive when she would get homesick and want to come home. She also said it was TOO COLD for her. (Spoken like my true Florida girl!) Ha. Both of mine stayed in the south, but one of mine didn't want to leave Florida because he HATES the cold. He is up in North Florida and I think will be surprised at how cold it will actually get. As to the question, I have had zero influence, otherwise both of mine would be at the University of Florida like I wanted them to. My oldest pretty much threw a dart at the map, excluding all of Florida and picked the school closest to the dart. That was the only school he applied to. His grades were not great and we were all shocked that he got in. As it was an out of state school, he was told that in state tuition was all that he was going to get and he figured out how to pay for it on his own. He wanted to serve and he wanted to go to school so he joined the National Guard in that state which gives him in state tuition. It is 8 hours away and school has been a struggle for him (which is no surprise, he wasn't that great of a student in high school and maturity was a real question) but he is sticking with his life for now. We talked, he listened (or pretended to) and then did his thing anyway. My youngest applied for two schools. He got into both (one of which WAS the University of Florida) and then decided to go to the other school. It is a bit of a drive, but an easy one, and it happens to be that while it is 'the other school' it is also in my hometown, and he loves it. We didn't do college visits, but again, it is my hometown and not terribly unfamiliar. He went to orientation and said he felt like he was 'home.' In both cases, the boys pretty much made up their own minds and did what they wanted. I think the younger one is more content with his choice than the older one, but for now, they are both forging their own way. I keep threatening to move back to my hometown just to be close to the younger boy and he is so funny-he says go for it-as long as I don't step foot on campus. He said that it would be nice for me to do his laundry again while he eats a home cooked meal that he doesn't have to clean up.
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Post by threegirls on Oct 21, 2016 14:21:52 GMT
My oldest is 14 so I haven't had any kids go to college. I can tell you my experience. I went to a university one hour away from my parents. Mom and dad dropped me and my stuff off at the dorm and left. They might as well dropped me off on the moon. They didn't return until graduation (and I'm a little surprised they even came to that). Any and all problems, situations were mine to resolve. They paid tuition and room and board for the first year but after that R&B was partly on me. I didn't get a car until late in my junior year so I really didn't go home much at all because I always had to find a ride to and from home which was kind of a pain. I stayed at school during the summers and most breaks to work.
Even though I was only an hour away I could have been 10,000 miles away. I was independent and my parents let me figure everything out on my own. I guess what I'm saying is even if your son stays close, he can still have his own life and be independent. You don't necessarily have to go hours away to get that.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 21, 2016 17:07:03 GMT
My oldest knew where he was going since jr hi, it was also our first choice, so it was a given.
My daughter had initially planned to go to the same school - has already been accepted etc, but a couple of teachers have told her that she needs "to be sure" so now she's having anxiety. I'm not real pleased with the teachers, one in particular who thought he was helping but actually made things worse.
So far as influencing - the only school we would greatly object to is one that we know would not be a healthy environment for her. And before anyone goes on the helicopter bandwagon, there are valid reasons for us to be concerned about that.
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Post by krc11 on Oct 21, 2016 17:33:32 GMT
Only if you are paying do you influence. If he's paying, his decision. You can certainly express your opinions and hopes, but don't be too heavy handed. If he's truly not ready, he'll be back in a year, or less... but it's a lesson he needs to learn. You might be surprised.
In my instance, my DD wanted to go to an out of state school (where I went to school) but I wasn't willing to pay 3x as much for same quality school that was available in state. Her desire had nothing to do with degree plan; just that it sounded like a fun school(it was). Even as much as I would have liked her to have gone to my school, I wasn't willing to pay that much for out of state tuiton. I didn't rule it out completely, just that I wasn't paying the extra, she would have to get loans for it. She elected to go instate, was perfectly happy and came out of college with zero loans.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
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Post by melissa on Oct 21, 2016 19:10:40 GMT
Probably a great deal but dd fell in love with the school and the flexibility of the program. We are very happy with the cost. Win/win
That said, if dd had wanted to do a traditional 4 year program and we were footing the bill, we absolutely would have had a great influence. There is no one perfect college and I don't think some teens understand that. The debt will follow them for years. If they don't understand all of that and the implications, and if mom and dad are paying, it is not ONLY their decision to make.
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Post by happymom on Oct 22, 2016 12:37:07 GMT
We set the budget and then stayed out of it. We were willing to contribute the price of our state flagship (25,000) a year and mDe it clear, we wouldn't Cosign private loans. If they needed loans they would have to stick with the federal amount (about 27,000 over 4 years)
Both boys stuck to that. One is 9 hours away at a private with full tuition scholarship and the other is at the state flagship. Both schools fit them. We do have some flexibility if one needs more than 4 years but we aren't offering that yet
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 22, 2016 16:23:03 GMT
I would say we had a small amt. Oldest dd didn't have great GPA, but had a good ACT, and did well in nerdy extra-curr stuff...ie theater, choir, speech, etc. We toured a bunch of schools and she fell in love with one. 3 hrs away. She got lucky and got the roommate of a lifetime for HER. Both had the same major, same interests, same everything. A friend for life. She grad'd in 4 yrs, and had a wonderful experience there. Now her major SUCKS. we tried and tried to talk her out of it. Right now she has a fair paying job. Something that is a entry level starter, that will give her experience,and move her forward in the years to come. We HOPE. ha. Right now she is living at home, which works out well. It's not something she wants to do, but understands she will have to for the next few years to get her experience at this job, and save up money. She is also a GREAT help at home.
Youngest dd, toured a ton of schools. Fell in love with the one I HATED. It's in the cities. It's 4 hrs away in bad traffic. It's in a iffey part of the cities. It's expensive, etc, etc. She LOVES it there. Now it has all the other things she wants. Her specific majors. The college is very well known for it's political support, and internships. Also law. She's met a lot of government officials, judges, congressman, governors, and media at her college. She's loving every min of it coming from small town rural boondocks. We will see how it all pans out in a few yrs when she graduates.
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Post by Really Red on Oct 22, 2016 16:41:21 GMT
Zero influence on my two oldest. I had some rules - each had to pick one instate school, but otherwise, they could have chosen anything they liked. One asked my opinion and I gave it, but the choices she originally picked were hers alone and in the end, she picked the school she wanted, too. She is ridiculously happy where she is. The other didn't care and only applied to two schools. One super expensive and super good and she got in. The other a not-so-good choice and what we could afford. She is not thrilled at her school, but this year seems to have a good plan going. She didn't make an awful choice, but when you see her sister, you see what could be.
All that said, I have three kids and I think every child is different. My third kid will pick his own school, too, but I'm going to give him 8-10 choices. Otherwise, he'd just end up with whichever one wants him for soccer.
And as I reminded my kids when they went away, there are only two choices that you can't come back from - death and having a baby. Everything else can be fixed or changed, so don't sweat it. Worst case scenario, the school your son wants won't be a good match. Then the next year, he switches schools.
Good luck. This is NOT the fun part.
ETA: Two things: One, You MUST visit the school. I would not allow my kids to choose a school they didn't visit. Two, my one DD wasn't interested in going to college and wanted a gap year. I am a pretty firm believer in knowing your child. I was pretty sure a gap year would turn into never going to college for this one (not all, just this one of mine). So I told her that she needed to go to one year of college and do relatively well. At the end of that year if she wanted to take a gap year, I would help her out. Not support her, but help her a bit. Needless to say, she is in her 2nd year of school and has bright future plans.
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Post by pelirroja on Oct 22, 2016 17:50:47 GMT
Really Red your mention of a gap year just ran chills down my spine. After graduating college with my BS and after I sat for the LSAT, I took a gap year to work and to save up for law school. I lucked out, got a great job with lots of promotions (3 within the first year and huge $ bonuses and pay increases) and the idea of going back to school and clerking for next to no $ was a big no. And no, I'm not a lawyer, didn't go back to school for my JD even after sitting for the LSAT and applying to several schools. And yes, I did get in but decided to wait a year. Just a year, that's all. Riiiiiiight. For me personally, gap year was a big huge mistake because that is where I really lost momentum for higher grad school education. Besides, I was doing so well financially that it was hard to give that up to be a broke college student once again.
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Oct 22, 2016 18:33:23 GMT
We had planned for DD to do her first 2 years at local schools, but after consulting with various advisors, we knew that wasn't going to work. She wanted to get 2 completely separate degrees and a minor in Mandarin, which meant she would be doing actual degree work during those years. Because of this, we agreed that she needed to go to a school that offered her degrees for the full four years. Which school she actually went to we left up to her with some caveats regarding who paid for what. When we talked about staying in touch while she was gone, I owned that it was ME who needed the contact rather than saying she was going to need me. LOL I was honest with her and told her how scared I was to have my last chick leave the house and that I would sleep better if she would just text me a "K" when she was in for the night. She was very gracious with my neediness and even went so far as to make sure she called me, even if just for a minute, everyday for the first year. The year after, I got fewer phone calls but still got a text every evening. Going away to school has been really good for DD. She has always been independent, with no doubts as to her ability to handle whatever life has thrown her way. Being away from home has actually made her WANT to be closer to us, not because she needs us financially or to fight her battles, but because she wants to be near her family. She is planning to live with us for a couple years while she gets established in her career. She can pay off her portion of her school loans while building a nest egg. Marcy
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autie25
New Member
Posts: 7
Sept 16, 2015 2:37:24 GMT
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Post by autie25 on Oct 22, 2016 22:43:39 GMT
My daughter picked her school because it was my alma mater and we have talked about her going there for years. In the end, she had 3 choices: out of state alma mater, local community college, and a small university 30 min from home. She is at the out of state school 8 hours away. She's loving it, but I have a hard time not seeing her. We've been there once and she's been home once. I have mixed feelings about it because I think everyone should go away because that's when we grow up, but I think it's a horrible idea when it comes to my own child, just for my own selfish reasons. I miss her like crazy, but I am glad she's doing it. We talk via text and facetime occasionally. I wished we'd had this post 6 months ago so I could have established these communication rules before she left! LOL
All of that being said, my son, who is a sophomore wants to go to the Naval Academy so I am trying to mentally prepare myself for that in 3 years.
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Post by dillydally on Oct 22, 2016 23:50:33 GMT
Not as much as we would have liked to! She got into a very good state school but chose an out of state school - she says for their Honors College, but we aren't entirely convinced that the boyfriend wasn't the real reason. (But side note, with her grades and merit scholarship, the our of state school is cheaper than in state).
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Post by Really Red on Oct 23, 2016 14:15:39 GMT
Really Red your mention of a gap year just ran chills down my spine. After graduating college with my BS and after I sat for the LSAT, I took a gap year to work and to save up for law school. I lucked out, got a great job with lots of promotions (3 within the first year and huge $ bonuses and pay increases) and the idea of going back to school and clerking for next to no $ was a big no. And no, I'm not a lawyer, didn't go back to school for my JD even after sitting for the LSAT and applying to several schools. And yes, I did get in but decided to wait a year. Just a year, that's all. Riiiiiiight. For me personally, gap year was a big huge mistake because that is where I really lost momentum for higher grad school education. Besides, I was doing so well financially that it was hard to give that up to be a broke college student once again. I know @perlirroja I think that here in the US, that gap year is just not encouraged. My nieces and nephews in Europe all have taken a gap year and it works out for all of them because college is such a different thing over there. I know very few people who have taken gap years and I do know someone for whom it worked out, but all the others never went back to college. Still you are doing well, so that is great!!
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