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Post by mom on Oct 20, 2016 3:37:29 GMT
DS is trying to pick his college. He has amazing ACT scores but his 6 weeks grades are average.
He hasnt picked a major but wants to live in the dorms (vs. living at home).
He is thinking he wants to go 8 hours away, to a mid size university.
There is a equal in size/price/quality university 12 miles away.
They would cost approximately the same.
He cant really give a reason as to why he wants the school 8 hours away, other than he has heard its a party school. His words. And he also wants to get away from his dad who happens to live in the same town as the local university.
Personally, I think he still has a bit of maturing before he is ready to take on college, 8 hours away. He is the youngest in his class and leans more to being a homebody.
He is paying for his own college, and we will help with the loans as long as his grades are good.
So how involved did you get? Even if you think they were making a mistake - did you say so? Or just them figure it out.
Advice, please.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 20, 2016 3:39:09 GMT
I think in this case, you let him go where he wants without oops much interference.
Lots of kids want to go away and spread their wings and I bet lots of parents don't think they are ready.
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Post by mom on Oct 20, 2016 3:41:16 GMT
I think in this case, you let him go where he wants without oops much interference. Lots of kids want to go away and spread their wings and I bet lots of parents don't think they are ready. Verbatim, that is what my DH said. I haven't said much other than it sure is a long drive. But after he left dinner this evening, DH got on to me for even saying that.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 20, 2016 3:45:22 GMT
I'm a firm believer that kids need to spread their wings. Nothing will help them grow up like actually being on their own. My kids are young, and other than helping them research and think about what the real pros and cons are - I'll leave the decision to them. I'm grateful my parents supported my decision to forgo the wonderful university down the street and fly far away.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 20, 2016 3:45:25 GMT
I think in this case, you let him go where he wants without oops much interference. Lots of kids want to go away and spread their wings and I bet lots of parents don't think they are ready. Verbatim, that is what my DH said. I haven't said much other than it sure is a long drive. But after he left dinner this evening, DH got on to me for even saying that. I would have totally said something about the drive too, I don't think that is wrong at all. And truly, I'd like my kid within a couple hours of me, but I do know it is his life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 3:48:30 GMT
DS is trying to pick his college. He has amazing ACT scores but his 6 weeks grades are average. He hasnt picked a major but wants to live in the dorms (vs. living at home). He is thinking he wants to go 8 hours away, to a mid size university. There is a equal in size/price/quality university 12 miles away. They would cost approximately the same. He cant really give a reason as to why he wants the school 8 hours away, other than he has heard its a party school. His words. And he also wants to get away from his dad who happens to live in the same town as the local university. Personally, I think he still has a bit of maturing before he is ready to take on college, 8 hours away. He is the youngest in his class and leans more to being a homebody. He is paying for his own college, and we will help with the loans as long as his grades are good. So how involved did you get? Even if you think they were making a mistake - did you say so? Or just them figure it out. Advice, please. Life experience it the greatest maturer. As long as mom holds on to wait for maturity to happen the longer it takes to actually happen. I wish I had kept it, but a couple of years ago higher ed research noted today's college freshmen are less mature than high school freshmen 20 years ago. It is directly impacted by teens having less life experience because the adults want to protect them until they mature. In early childhood we know experience preceeds ability (as in a child needs experience with reading before they actually can read) But when it comes about puberty adults get worried about "wrong" choices and protect their tweens/teens from the very life experiences that form the maturity they are wanting from the kids. Let him pick his college. He can always unpick it later and transfer closer to home. You aren't obligated to sign loans in your name if you really feel it is a bad choice. But let him make the choice. Let him spend his money learning (the informal learning in this choice may be more valuable long term than the formal learning)
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Post by mom on Oct 20, 2016 3:50:43 GMT
@voltagin I know you are right. I do.
But damn. This is hard. I think part of the reason I am struggling so much is that I knew I wanted to stay local and go to school. I never really considered anything else.
It would help, too, if he had a real reason other than 'just because'.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 3:54:41 GMT
@voltagin I know you are right. I do. But damn. This is hard. I think part of the reason I am struggling so much is that I knew I wanted to stay local and go to school. I never really considered anything else. It would help, too, if he had a real reason other than 'just because'. It is hard to let go. He may be saying "just because" because he knows if he articulates the real reason (parents able to drop in easily to check up on him or use the parental social network to check on him) he will hurt your feelings.
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Post by mom on Oct 20, 2016 3:57:38 GMT
@voltagin I know you are right. I do. But damn. This is hard. I think part of the reason I am struggling so much is that I knew I wanted to stay local and go to school. I never really considered anything else. It would help, too, if he had a real reason other than 'just because'. It is hard to let go. He may be saying "just because" because he knows if he articulates the real reason (parents able to drop in easily to check up on him or use the parental social network to check on him) he will hurt your feelings. rofl I hear ya! And yeah, he would spare my feelings if at all possible. Guess he needs to schedule the college visit. Maybe I will make him drive the whole way instead of us flying. That way he will see how long it really takes to get home.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 20, 2016 3:58:20 GMT
@voltagin I know you are right. I do. But damn. This is hard. I think part of the reason I am struggling so much is that I knew I wanted to stay local and go to school. I never really considered anything else. It would help, too, if he had a real reason other than 'just because'. Honestly - my reason was probably a bit "just because" - which sounds nicer than - I'd really liked to get far enough away that I can stand on my own feet and make my own decisions and yes mistakes. And let's face it, that was in an era of no email, no facetime, no cell phones where we paid 10 cents a minute for long distance. The world has shrunk considerably since I went away to school and talked to my parents once a week.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 20, 2016 3:59:20 GMT
We have lots of students want to go one state over. They want to experience new things.
At least 8 hours is close enough to drive home for both thanksgiving and christmas. If he had to fly, Thanksgiving would probably be out.
I stayed pretty local. I love northern Colorado and there was a good local school for my degree...
But, one of my biggest regrets is that I did not try other places. I am going to live within an hour of my childhood home probably my entire life and I missed out on the chance to experience other areas. I am jealous of people who went to college in different states and the people they met and the local stuff they learned.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Oct 20, 2016 4:10:26 GMT
It is hard to let go. He may be saying "just because" because he knows if he articulates the real reason (parents able to drop in easily to check up on him or use the parental social network to check on him) he will hurt your feelings. rofl I hear ya! And yeah, he would spare my feelings if at all possible. Guess he needs to schedule the college visit. Maybe I will make him drive the whole way instead of us flying. That way he will see how long it really takes to get home. You may find that this is more influential than anything you could say to him. It is absolutely key to how I picked my college. My poor mother, in the days before the GPS and the internet, drove me (and my sister, who was in a teenager-who-can't-be-left-at-home-alone stage) 7 hours to Ohio to interview for a possible full scholarship. We no sooner drove under the "welcome" sign when I said "I don't like it here, can we go home?" Yeah, she said I had to stay for the interview. When we went to visit the college I ultimately attended, the exact opposite happened-- we walked onto campus and I realized I felt very much at home.
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Post by mom on Oct 20, 2016 4:13:53 GMT
rofl I hear ya! And yeah, he would spare my feelings if at all possible. Guess he needs to schedule the college visit. Maybe I will make him drive the whole way instead of us flying. That way he will see how long it really takes to get home. You may find that this is more influential than anything you could say to him. It is absolutely key to how I picked my college. My poor mother, in the days before the GPS and the internet, drove me (and my sister, who was in a teenager-who-can't-be-left-at-home-alone stage) 7 hours to Ohio to interview for a possible full scholarship. We no sooner drove under the "welcome" sign when I said "I don't like it here, can we go home?" Yeah, she said I had to stay for the interview. When we went to visit the college I ultimately attended, the exact opposite happened-- we walked onto campus and I realized I felt very much at home. This may or may not be what I am hoping!
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 20, 2016 4:29:43 GMT
DS is a sophomore 1,300 miles away. It was really hard to see him go, but he felt so strongly that he was making the right choice.
By the end of his junior year, he pretty much knew where he wanted to go. So I told him to prove it to me--prove that he could succeed and excel so far away from home. DS has Asperger's, so there was definitely some maturing needed--especially with self motivation. He really buckled down his senior year, graduated from HS Maga Cum Laude, and got a huge scholarship to his first choice. We found that DS's ACT score was really the thing that caught colleges' attention. His GPA was good, but his ACT score was amazing. And DS goes to a private college where they offer merit based scholarships, which for him made his private school cheaper than the state schools.
He really loves it there. I know he likes the independence, but he calls home pretty faithfully once a week and we also text several times a week. Sometimes family business stuff, sometimes just funny memes to show we are thinking of each other. He signed a contract with us to keep his grades up, to call home once a week, and to send one photo a week. I really love the photo of the week. Sometimes it's silly, sometimes serious (like the pile of books and papers after last week-two big papers and two big tests in 4 days!) He did get a huge scholarship, so finances weren't as much of an issue as it may be for some.
He came home at Christmas and Easter last year. This year, we are flying out there (this weekend!) and he will come home at Christmas (we fly there to be with family on Christmas day, then he came home for a week.) It was really hard and surprisingly easy, all at the same time. It's just our new normal.
We do have family there, which is helpful. My parents are an hour away, and aunts and uncles are about 20 minutes away. He sees some family member about once a month and it's nice to see those adult relationships develop. I won't lie, I miss him a ton. But I want him to follow his own path and his dreams.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 4:32:08 GMT
None, daughter is going to a school that specializes in ballet. Not something I am familiar with. Altho I did say no to Juilliard.
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Post by mom on Oct 20, 2016 5:41:08 GMT
DS is a sophomore 1,300 miles away. It was really hard to see him go, but he felt so strongly that he was making the right choice. By the end of his junior year, he pretty much knew where he wanted to go. So I told him to prove it to me--prove that he could succeed and excel so far away from home. DS has Asperger's, so there was definitely some maturing needed--especially with self motivation. He really buckled down his senior year, graduated from HS Maga Cum Laude, and got a huge scholarship to his first choice. We found that DS's ACT score was really the thing that caught colleges' attention. His GPA was good, but his ACT score was amazing. And DS goes to a private college where they offer merit based scholarships, which for him made his private school cheaper than the state schools. He really loves it there. I know he likes the independence, but he calls home pretty faithfully once a week and we also text several times a week. Sometimes family business stuff, sometimes just funny memes to show we are thinking of each other. He signed a contract with us to keep his grades up, to call home once a week, and to send one photo a week. I really love the photo of the week. Sometimes it's silly, sometimes serious (like the pile of books and papers after last week-two big papers and two big tests in 4 days!) He did get a huge scholarship, so finances weren't as much of an issue as it may be for some. He came home at Christmas and Easter last year. This year, we are flying out there (this weekend!) and he will come home at Christmas (we fly there to be with family on Christmas day, then he came home for a week.) It was really hard and surprisingly easy, all at the same time. It's just our new normal. We do have family there, which is helpful. My parents are an hour away, and aunts and uncles are about 20 minutes away. He sees some family member about once a month and it's nice to see those adult relationships develop. I won't lie, I miss him a ton. But I want him to follow his own path and his dreams. This. This is what I needed to read. I love the idea of the phone call/text weekly. I have this fear that he will move away, not go to school and flunk out. LOL Like your son, he struggles with self motivation sometimes. When he's good - he's good. But when he's not... DS scored a 33 in June on his ACT so he's good there (though he wants to take it one more time - I say let it go already!) I keep telling myself he will figure 'life' out while he is gone. Just kinda panicking! LOL Thanks for posting this.
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Post by mom on Oct 20, 2016 5:42:09 GMT
None, daughter is going to a school that specializes in ballet. Not something I am familiar with. Altho I did say no to Juilliard. You know, if he knew that he wanted to specialize in something I think it would be easier to let him go. He just has no clue, really, what he wants to do.
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Post by utpea on Oct 20, 2016 5:54:12 GMT
None, daughter is going to a school that specializes in ballet. Not something I am familiar with. Altho I did say no to Juilliard. Just curious, why did you say no to Juilliard? I was under the impression that it was very hard to get into that school.
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CeeScraps
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~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
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Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Oct 20, 2016 8:59:31 GMT
Our dd is 6 hours away. She has learned and experienced so much. I do think at one time or another if she came home she wouldn't of gone back. It's been tough for her, but she has grown.
We've been supportive from either here at home or when we've gone to visit. She gets that now. It took a rough freshman year for her to comprehend.
Let him go.....with technology today contact is so much different. That's good/bad. At times I have wished it wasn't so accessible to her. I know, I just recall the days when it was one phone call a week on a corded phone hanging on the wall!
He will be fine. He knows he is loved. He may forget, but deep down he knows you'll be at the other end of his communication.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Oct 20, 2016 9:09:25 GMT
I had zero influence. He decided where he wanted to go, he went to university for a semester and hated it. He transferred to a technical school, graduated and got the top mark in his class. He knows he will have to go on with his education as he isn't going to be in his chosen profession forever. He will want to own his own shop or manage a large garage or something. He is very determined and stubborn. Both work to his credit.
He thought I would give him trouble for wanting to quit university and honestly it was no big deal. It's not for everyone and it wasn't for him. I recognized that early and let him make his own decisions. He was only 18 at the time. Right after he quit university he went to work full time for about 8 months and then moved away for 18 months. Best decision ever. He was a ferry ride away and we could still FaceTime every night when he wanted to and he could come home if he wanted to. Best of all worlds.
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anaterra
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Post by anaterra on Oct 20, 2016 9:10:59 GMT
None, daughter is going to a school that specializes in ballet. Not something I am familiar with. Altho I did say no to Juilliard. Just curious, why did you say no to Juilliard? I was under the impression that it was very hard to get into that school. Yeah I wanna know too....
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Post by gar on Oct 20, 2016 9:16:42 GMT
The percentage of Mums who think their child is ready to move away is probably quite low 😊 They learn SO much being truly away from home yet you're still 'there' to support and guide via Skype etc if needs be. Part of his reason is probably that it feels more of an adventure going further away - and it will be! 😃
A visit is a great idea and will influence his decision a lot...one way or the other!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 9:59:36 GMT
My 17 year old DD just started university in the UK - we live in Japan. I was a little worried at first since she's not in dorms. She's sharing a house with 5 other girls. My family are all about 5 hours away in an emergency, and there are some friends who live closer. So far she's loving it.
She made the decision to go to school in the UK rather than the US ( she has dual citizenship), so I just guided her in terms of course (she didn't really know exactly what she wanted to study) and the universities she applied to. The whole process is a 'one and done' in the U.K. so I was happy with her decision.
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nopeaq
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Post by nopeaq on Oct 20, 2016 10:07:33 GMT
What a good question and very interesting to read everyone's responses! My dd is looking at colleges and I've told her that it is her decision but to follow the money. (Wherever the best scholarship/aid package is offered.) I did tell her to consider how often she would feasibly be able to return home if that was something that was important to her. I was just thinking about a time in college when I had a really terrible week and was easily able to go home for the weekend. The university she was considering that is 1400 miles away wouldn't allow for that. And I hope I conveyed what I was very honestly thinking; that she surely could go there if that was "her" school but the traveling would be more limited than one within driving distance.
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Post by bigbundt on Oct 20, 2016 11:07:10 GMT
@voltagin I know you are right. I do. But damn. This is hard. I think part of the reason I am struggling so much is that I knew I wanted to stay local and go to school. I never really considered anything else. It would help, too, if he had a real reason other than 'just because'. It is hard to let go. He may be saying "just because" because he knows if he articulates the real reason (parents able to drop in easily to check up on him or use the parental social network to check on him) he will hurt your feelings. Exactly. I don't have college aged kids yet but I made a similar decision. My mom was really pressuring me to go to the college 20 miles away but I knew I wanted to move away and ended up going to school 200 miles away. One of the reasons is that I wanted to remove myself completely from where I grew up, away from knowing everyone, and the same old same old and experience something new, meet new people. I also wanted to be far away that I wasn't expected to visit home every weekend. My mom and I had a very, very, VERY strained relationship at that point because she was holding on too tight and not accepting that I was ready to semi-fly out of the nest. Let him decide his own adventure.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2016 11:18:26 GMT
I believe kids need to spread their wings, get a taste of life on their own and see for themselves what's out there.
I chose to go to a school that was 30 miles away. I did it because they had one of the top education programs, my grandparents were alumni as were a few other family members. I also did it because being just 30 miles away from home meant I could still go home and back to my dorm (later apartment) in the same day if needed. And sadly I did it to make my high school boyfriend happy. Looking back, I kinda wish I went further away.
I'm going to give my kids as many options as possible. I want them to see that there's more to life than this crappy town. If they want to tour a campus that's 8 hours away, we'll go. If they want to attend the university that I did, then go for it. Ex thinks anyone who leaves is abandoning him. I know Ds1 may need a year at the CC to adjust to how different the expectations are in college. He might surprise me. DS2, I'm not sure yet. He may do ok leaving right after high school. There's a scholarship being offered to graduates of their school right now that will give them 2 years of free tuition and I'm planning on encouraging them to take advantage of it for at least one year.
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Post by littlemama on Oct 20, 2016 11:27:35 GMT
At this point, I would encourage him to visit colleges of different sizes and types so he can get a feel for each. Large, urban university. Large state university, Small state university - rural and near a city, etc. For the one eight hours away, definitely drive to it. I would be most concerned about the fact that he wants to go to a school because it is a party school.
As for ds' decision, we made sure he understood the decisions he was making. He looked at one school that was about 3-1/2 hours away, in a very snowy part of the state. Once he realized that he wouldn't be able to come home as often as he might want to, he figured out an acceptable distance from home- 2 hours. Then, he decided that he didn't want to be at a mega-university. He toured two schools, and one was the right fit for him.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 20, 2016 11:40:33 GMT
I am pretty sure my sister had zero involvement in where any of her kids went to school. They spread across the country. I don't think it would have gone over well if she had demanded they stay at home (even though they are paying all the tuitions) when one wanted to go to Emily Carr in Vancouver and is now pursing her Masters in NYC and the others wanted to go to Vancouver Island and Montreal. They are pursuing their life as they see fit. My brother's kids ended up going to school in their hometown because the program they wanted was there. So it's more about the program and the experience than the distance that matters.
8 hours is a long drive, that's fact. I don't see anything wrong for saying that, though I see the OP's DH's point.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Oct 20, 2016 11:40:44 GMT
His money, his loans, his decision. We paid our kids tuition and our dd wanted to go to an out of state school that was 30k a year, for an interior design degree (this was 12 years ago). We said no because we have an in state university that she could go to for the same degree for 16k a year. She went to the state school (had a great time) and within 2 weeks changed her major. If she wanted to go into pre-law or something a little more substantial then an interior design degree we would have supported her. She ended up with a PR degree and business minor.
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Post by secondlife on Oct 20, 2016 11:45:44 GMT
I agree that the party school thing is concerning, but on the other hand I did not go to a party school and I did plenty of partying. Living in the dorms is a big part of the college experience (and I think the experience is important to some students and can't discount this as a factor).
I think if he is expected to pay for his own schooling, then he should have final say where he goes.
I made plenty of mistakes in college. I learned from them and there was nothing my parents could do to stop me making mistakes at that point. Mistakes are useful.
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