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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 19, 2016 9:10:21 GMT
There is a program, called Dialogue Facilaters, through which I may be able to visit XDH in prison. To recap: he's is prison for assaulting, raping me, and breaking my back. Since then, 4 years ago, he's gone from a strong, burly man to a paralyzed, pathetic person who can't do anything for himself. His prison sentence has him released in 2021, but nobody expects him to live that long. Doctors say more strokes will continue to take away what little he has until he's dead. That's unless a bedsore or pneumonia doesn't do it first. And they take terrible care of patients like him in prison. There is a no contact order, as well as department of corrections policy of no contact between victims and offenders. I only know what's going on through DD, who of my 4 adult children, is his only visitor. But I've been back in therapy through the Sexual Assault Resource Center, and have found the program through which I might be able to visit him. It's a ton of red tape, and interviews, and approvals. All I want to do is tell him to his face I forgive him. I want the chance to close our relationship out in my own way. Otherwise it feels unfinished. If he dies before this happens, I'm thinking it will remain unfinished. The person in charge of my request said it could take 6-8 months to progress to the point of an actual visit. I said I don't know if we have that much time. Even if he's not dead by then, he is losing any ability to communicate because of disuse. I don't minimize what he did. Ever. Even if I were inclined to do so, the constant reminder in the form of my physical limitations, as well as the devastation to my family perpetually keeps it in my mind. But the condition he is in, and the stark contrast between his sorry state of unending suffering, and my life of options and possibilities and being surrounded by my family, makes me feel a NEED to extend forgiveness, kindness, and whatever peace is possible to him. And for myself. I know it's not my fault. I know he brought all this in himself. And yet. I need to be true to myself. And this feels right. There is no guarantee I will be permitted to visit. There is no guarantee he will live long enough. There is even no guarantee if I make it that I will feel good after it's over. My therapist and I are going over all the possibilities, and she has to make a recommendation to the program before it can proceed. But I am glad I am working towards it. UPDATE: Here's a new pic of my sweet new grandson  |
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Nov 19, 2016 9:18:51 GMT
Sorry love, but it sounds as if he is still controlling you. You won't move on and build a new life unless you walk away. For good.
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Post by its me mg on Nov 19, 2016 10:10:19 GMT
I hate to say it ... but .... that, my friend, is what you call karma. For your sake, I hope you can see him so you can get the closure you seek. I have a really hard time having any empathy for him.
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Post by rainangel on Nov 19, 2016 10:17:11 GMT
If this is what feels right for you to do, then I hope you get to meet him and end this your own way. I hope you get the closure you need.
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Post by gar on Nov 19, 2016 10:50:19 GMT
I can't say I understand but if it is what you want and feel you need to do for yourself then I hope it can be arranged in time.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 16:47:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2016 10:58:36 GMT
I understand. I hope you are able to see him and move on from all this.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,826 
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Post by CeeScraps on Nov 19, 2016 11:02:35 GMT
I too agree that it is his karma getting him. I'm glad you're staying strong. Will they allow you to send him a letter? That may help you. If nothing else maybe write a letter, then consider sending it if they will let you. Could your dd read it to him?
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Post by phoenixcov on Nov 19, 2016 11:14:07 GMT
We don`t need to know why you want to forgive your ex, but we do need to support you in whatever choice you make, it`s your life to do with as you will.
It is always easier to give advice than to take it. I hope you soon get the peace of mind you need to carry on.
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Post by anonrefugee on Nov 19, 2016 11:18:13 GMT
I too agree that it is his karma getting him. I'm glad you're staying strong. Will they allow you to send him a letter? That may help you. If nothing else maybe write a letter, then consider sending it if they will let you. Could your dd read it to him? Writing gives you more control too. You're not held to others schedule. If he dies before a meeting you'll know he received message of your forgiveness. It also gives you more choices once a meeting is planned. Maybe you won't have a need to see him. Or maybe you can talk about additional topics, if you're months ahead on a different part of the journey. And what phoenixcov said! |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 19, 2016 11:37:35 GMT
If you are truly doing this for yourself, then I support it. I assume that's what you and your therapist are sorting out. It's important though for your own future that you don't do this out of any sense of obligation to him. I wish you the best.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 19, 2016 11:52:10 GMT
Write him a letter...you should not be going to see him IMO. I think you're setting yourself up for major hurt
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,764
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Nov 19, 2016 12:06:26 GMT
I think you must carefully examine what exactly you want to achieve from this whole process. What you have outlined seems to suggest the process could become all consuming with no guarentee of your desired outcome.
If you want to let him know you have forgiven him, then maybe the letter idea is the route to go. Can you send a recording or a video instead? Can the prison chaplin act as your voice?
I have written before that I think you are an amazing woman and you have come such a long way in your recovery, I would hate to see you suffer a setback.
But if you feel you absolutely must do this then I wish you resolution and peace (which I wish for you in any event). ((hugs))
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Post by uksue on Nov 19, 2016 12:29:14 GMT
If it was me I would write and tell him I forgive him and that I'm doing well - it would be important for me that he knows he didn't defeat me,but I wouldn't need to see his face . Could you write and say that whilst waiting for a visiting order just in case ?
I don't see this as him controlling you as another pea said - my ex husband attacked me twice , nothing like your horrific attack, but I felt I had to say I forgave him to move on and did so by email as he hides his address ( drug induced paranoia .) He emailed back denying everything and I shrugged and that was that . I felt better for it.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 19, 2016 12:32:20 GMT
I think you should write him a letter...in case time isn't on your side. At least that way you'll have some sort of closure if you don't get the visit in a timely manner. I hope that you get what you need out of the process.
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Post by guzismom on Nov 19, 2016 12:35:57 GMT
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I definitely think you should write that letter in the interim,just in case the ruling takes too long or doesn't go your way.
I'm sure you are exploring your motivations for wanting this meeting in counseling, under the guidance of professional in whom you trust. As long as your motivations are as you expressed, I think it could be a healthy thing for you. Best of luck.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Nov 19, 2016 12:41:27 GMT
(((hugs)))
I can only offer the advice that you do what is right for you, and only you. I wish you healed, mind, body, and soul.
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Post by LisaDV on Nov 19, 2016 12:42:56 GMT
I too agree that it is his karma getting him. I'm glad you're staying strong. Will they allow you to send him a letter? That may help you. If nothing else maybe write a letter, then consider sending it if they will let you. Could your dd read it to him? I was thinking of a letter too. It could be read to him sooner thus bringing you the closure you need, without you having to see him face to face. You are a very strong and caring person that is full of love. |
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 19, 2016 13:30:13 GMT
I too agree that it is his karma getting him. I'm glad you're staying strong. Will they allow you to send him a letter? That may help you. If nothing else maybe write a letter, then consider sending it if they will let you. Could your dd read it to him? This is what I was thinking, too. Whatever happens, I wish you continued healing. |
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Nov 19, 2016 13:44:09 GMT
We don`t need to know why you want to forgive your ex, but we do need to support you in whatever choice you make, it`s your life to do with as you will. It is always easier to give advice than to take it. I hope you soon get the peace of mind you need to carry on. I agree. My church does a lot of work with offender/victim ministries; my aunt has also been a victim who has gone through the program. It's a real thing. It's a powerful thing. It's grace. Just knowing what i do of your story, I have no doubt that you are doing this for the right reasons. I'll be praying for you! I should add that even though my aunt went through the forgiveness program, she still speaks before the parole board every time he comes before it. Forgiveness doesn't mean condonement, and she doesn't want him to be released. Be strong. Know that if he doesn't make it, you have done what you could. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 19, 2016 14:11:05 GMT
A letter is definitely being discussed. This would have to go through the Facilitator program. I can't just send it on my own. Then someone would have to read it to him.
My homework assigned by my therapist this week is to write the first draft. This is necessary no matter how it works out, as I want to nail down exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. It's not as easy as I thought it might be, as I have lots of different thoughts. Both of forgiveness, but also not minimizing what happened.
My therapist seemed at first to lean toward the letter route, but the more we talk and I explain my feelings, she is understanding my motives. She will be the one reporting to the facilitator program as to whether she thinks this will further my progress and emotional healing.
I appreciate all the comments very much.
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Nov 19, 2016 14:16:53 GMT
I think I would write the letter too.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,698
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Nov 19, 2016 14:18:20 GMT
A letter is definitely being discussed. This would have to go through the Facilitator program. I can't just send it on my own. Then someone would have to read it to him. My homework assigned by my therapist this week is to write the first draft. This is necessary no matter how it works out, as I want to nail down exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. It's not as easy as I thought it might be, as I have lots of different thoughts. Both of forgiveness, but also not minimizing what happened. My therapist seemed at first to lean toward the letter route, but the more we talk and I explain my feelings, she is understanding my motives. She will be the one reporting to the facilitator program as to whether she thinks this will further my progress and emotional healing. I appreciate all the comments very much. Is it possible to do a short video of you telling him what you would say in person? Could you let your dd take this video and show him when she goes to visit him? I don't know the rules of what is allowed when you visit a prisoner. I do understand your reasons for this action. You have come a long way in four years. ( ( (hugs) ) ) |
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Post by ilikepink on Nov 19, 2016 14:24:35 GMT
My heart goes out to you. If you really feel that a visit is right, then keep moving towards that. But do the letter. It's the act of you forgiving him, he doesn't necessarily have to hear it.
Hugs
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Post by Zee on Nov 19, 2016 14:34:06 GMT
I'd write a letter and send it with DD, as long as it's not personal enough to make her uncomfortable. I am pretty sure I wouldn't bother going through all that red tape just to tell him he's forgiven, though I see where you are coming from as far as closure for yourself.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 19, 2016 14:36:57 GMT
I'd write a letter and send it with DD, as long as it's not personal enough to make her uncomfortable. I am pretty sure I wouldn't bother going through all that red tape just to tell him he's forgiven, though I see where you are coming from as far as closure for yourself. Sending a letter either with DD or through the mail is not allowed. ANY communication must be through and approved by the program I'm working with. |
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Post by Zee on Nov 19, 2016 14:39:09 GMT
I'd write a letter and send it with DD, as long as it's not personal enough to make her uncomfortable. I am pretty sure I wouldn't bother going through all that red tape just to tell him he's forgiven, though I see where you are coming from as far as closure for yourself. Sending a letter either with DD or through the mail is not allowed. ANY communication must be through and approved by the program I'm working with. I see. Well, if you're running out of time and it's very important to you, can't she just tell him you want him to know he's forgiven? If she's ok with that? At least then you'd know he heard it before he died. |
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,841
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Nov 19, 2016 14:49:13 GMT
I don't want to squash your feelings of needing this for closure...
But the rules of victims not being able to visit the abuser are there for a reason...
I hooe this goes the way you want... but in the process i hope it doesn't do more damage to you...
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 19, 2016 14:54:34 GMT
I don't want to squash your feelings of needing this for closure... But the rules of victims not being able to visit the abuser are there for a reason... I hooe this goes the way you want... but in the process i hope it doesn't do more damage to you... I appreciate this. And understand that's why the program with all the necessary procedures. But the program exists exactly because sometimes it IS appropriate and helpful to have these dialogues. I know I'm not guaranteed that I will have the satisfaction I'm hoping for afterward. But I'm being helped by very knowledgeable and experienced people who will not hesitate to pull the plug if they don't think this is a good idea. And if you knew me, you'd know that I can live with extending a kindness and regretting it, but not the opposite. |
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Nov 19, 2016 14:55:14 GMT
I can't imagine your pain and do feel like you need to do whatever you feel is right for you. Just remember-you don't owe him anything. Despite the fact that his health is failing, he isn't a victim.
Hugs.
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Shel
Full Member
Posts: 408
Jul 16, 2014 0:32:12 GMT
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Post by Shel on Nov 19, 2016 15:39:49 GMT
I remember your story.
I just wanted to send you a hug.
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