Teens and Screens

How old is your DD?

Kaspersky safe kids will allow you to set blackout times for devices. it's $15 a year and you can use on phones, computers and tablets, android and iphone. we use it on my sons' phone and wi-fi-only tablet and it has been working great for us. when you do eventually give her back her electronics, I would look into something like that.

So why does she still have access to devices that she can sneak onto? It sounds like you take them away only to give them right back. If this was a continuous behavior that showed no signs of stopping I'd cure it by not allowing her any devices period. If she needs to be online for school work it would be supervised in a living room or kitchen area.

Take the devices away, she won't die without them despite what she tells you.

Password protect all of your devices/computers with a password she wouldn't know. You could also change the password on the wifi and not give it to her. I have my dd13 do her homework as soon as she gets home from school otherwise I know it wouldn't get done. Once she's done she can be on her devices/pc's until bedtime. I set her computer to shut down at a particular time. If she stays up late on a school night on her phone and is a pain to get up the next morning then she goes to bed earlier the next night.

The problem with screens is it disrupts the natural sleep cycle. We have a central charging station where all electronics live - phones, pods, pads, tablets - everything is plugged in at 9 PM. The kids can then shower, read, stretch or otherwise get ready for bed - they seem to be much more able to determine their own lights out without a screen in their face. The bus picks up at 7, so simply don't have the luxury of sleeping in (I don't disagree with the discussion about teens and natural sleep cycles, but I unfortunately don't set the district's bell schedule). We started this routine a few years ago and it's been hugely beneficial not just for sneaking the electronics, but making sure all those devices are actually charged before morning - we had a few morning freak outs about the school ipad not being charged. If you "forget" to charge your device, it lives in our fireproof safe for a week. The biggest adjustment was reading on the ipads- the kids legitimately do like to read on their ipad - but it absolutely wasn't working to get them ready to transition to sleep - studies show it's something to do with the type of light the device emits - so they rely on paper books for that time right before bed.

OP, it sounds like your daughter has some underlying issues. I'd be really careful about a holistic approach. Sleeping in the afternoon could be a sign of too much electronics at night, but could also be a sign of depression. How are her friend relationships? Does she not have outside activities? I'd be really concerned about social media bullying and other things going on. Good luck to you.

You can shut off the data on the phone from your account page, and then kill the modem at night. It works. Been there.

For what it's worth, I think you're really dealing with two problems that should have separate consequences. Being on the internet when it's restricted (shut off phone data and modem at night) and the sneaking/lying (remove all trust based priviledges....like being home alone, having a closed door, going places without an adult, etc "until I feel I can trust you to be truthful about what you're doing again.") The first would be for a set time, the second she would earn back gradually.


This worked really well at our house, but i admittedly have very compliant kids in general. Ymmv

Exactly.  And the DD is 14, almost 15. To me, that is different than if she were 15, going on 16.  She has YEARS to figure out how to manage her device use before she goes off to college/life.  And if a friend needs her at 4am, I would say that problem is bigger than another 14 year old should be handling.

I agree that teens' bodies are often suited to late nights/late mornings.  But the reality of life is that school often begins early and so therefore we need to get up early.  Jobs are like that, too.  

I would be tempted to let the sleeping go, as it's the first week off of Bball and my kids always sort of collapse the week after a big activity/season ends.  But the sneaking around and lying would never fly in our house.  And that is what I would address the most.  Add in the history of depression and cutting and I'd be worried, not just let it go as normal teen behavior.

OP, I would probably schedule a visit with your DD's counselor and talk about consequences and a path forward as a family.  If you can't get an appt in the next day or two, I would come up with a plan with more monitoring and removal of online and phone access.  Probably for a week as a punishment, then decide on a path forward after that.  I would focus on the lying and the sneakiness, because to me that is a much bigger issue than simply being online at 4 am.  

I wouldn't compare micromanaging with parental concern. Kids spend entirely too much time on social media (don't we all spend too much time on the computer??). Nothing wrong with having them scale back, especially in the middle of the night.  She is 14, not 18.  Your house, your rules.