Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 13:50:32 GMT
I just suspended my dd's cell phone. I am so over her sneaking online when she is not supposed to. You know, at like 4am on a school night.
I thought I was pretty strict taking her phone from her at 9pm on weeknights and 10pm on weekends. She then started sneaking on her laptop. I then took that at night also. Then I found out she would sneak on my laptop in my craft room. It got to the point where I had 3 laptops in my bedroom plus her phone. I've had repeated discussions with her about the importance of sleep. Just last night I told her that for now on she will have to change her routine after school. (She naps til dinner time then is up doing homework until 11pm or so.) No more electronics after 10pm. So what does she do? She takes her old phone and is on Twitter at 4am!!!
I have been way too nice and understanding when she cries about how she needs her phone for school and her social life. I texted her this morning when I found out she yet again on Twitter right after our conversation. I am so pissed. I rarely get angry, never this angry. I told her that I will pick her up as usual today but that I was turning off her service. All I got was, "Um."
I know that there is the Disney Circle but I don't think that will work for us. Is there anything else I can do???
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,229
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Feb 15, 2017 13:52:16 GMT
How old is your DD?
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Post by mrssmith on Feb 15, 2017 13:55:10 GMT
Agree with all the steps you have taken. Maybe keep the electronics and also impose a non-electronics related consequence?
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,984
Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Feb 15, 2017 14:00:10 GMT
Kaspersky safe kids will allow you to set blackout times for devices. it's $15 a year and you can use on phones, computers and tablets, android and iphone. we use it on my sons' phone and wi-fi-only tablet and it has been working great for us. when you do eventually give her back her electronics, I would look into something like that.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 14:42:37 GMT
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 14:43:23 GMT
Kaspersky safe kids will allow you to set blackout times for devices. it's $15 a year and you can use on phones, computers and tablets, android and iphone. we use it on my sons' phone and wi-fi-only tablet and it has been working great for us. when you do eventually give her back her electronics, I would look into something like that. This looks perfect. Thank you!
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Post by myshelly on Feb 15, 2017 14:45:16 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 14:57:22 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. Well the thing is that she will stay up all night on her phone or laptop and then sleep all day. I give her plenty of freedom, forgiveness and way more leeway than my dh would like. She has been doing this sneaking on and off since the summer. I do appreciate your opinion (I know you are a say it like it is poster and I like that) but I definitely don't feel like I am micromanaging her. That is completely opposite of me. I'm just at the point where I am done with her lying to me when I constantly give her the chance to make good choices. So honestly, what would you do? Because I am stuck right now.
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Post by myshelly on Feb 15, 2017 15:03:50 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. Well the thing is that she will stay up all night on her phone or laptop and then sleep all day. I give her plenty of freedom, forgiveness and way more leeway than my dh would like. She has been doing this sneaking on and off since the summer. I do appreciate your opinion (I know you are a say it like it is poster and I like that) but I definitely don't feel like I am micromanaging her. That is completely opposite of me. I'm just at the point where I am done with her lying to me when I constantly give her the chance to make good choices. So honestly, what would you do? Because I am stuck right now. Have you read a lot about teens and sleep? They are literally hard wired to stay up at night and sleep later during the day. I'm a fan of natural consequences. I would do nothing. She'll be tired at school and eventually figure it out. I do think you are micromanaging and by doing so you are disrupting the natural consequences thereby preventing her from learning how to figure this out on her own. I also think you are projecting your ideal sleep schedule onto a teen and that's not going to work because teens have different sleep needs than adults. I think 15 is too old for rules about screen time. I wouldn't take away her computer or her phone. Now is the time to teach her independence, not give her rules for rules sake. Sometimes she's going to need to pull all nighters on her laptop. Sometimes friends are going to have emergencies in the middle of the night. Let her learn to navigate it now so she can do it on her own in college.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Feb 15, 2017 15:05:21 GMT
She has been doing this sneaking on and off since the summer. So why does she still have access to devices that she can sneak onto? It sounds like you take them away only to give them right back. If this was a continuous behavior that showed no signs of stopping I'd cure it by not allowing her any devices period. If she needs to be online for school work it would be supervised in a living room or kitchen area. Take the devices away, she won't die without them despite what she tells you.
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Post by cmpeter on Feb 15, 2017 15:11:44 GMT
We pretty much let ours self regulate their sleep starting in high school. They quickly learn when they need to go to bed in prefer to function the next day. They are too busy to nap in the afternoons on school days. As long as they aren't pills and keep on top of their stuff (chores and grades), they get to call the shots on their sleep.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 15:15:23 GMT
myshelly Yes I've tried the natural consequences. I've let her go to school on only 1 or 2 hours of sleep. I've let her sleep afterwards for 7 hours straight and then be up til 2 or 3am and only get 3 hours of sleep. It is extremely unhealthy and not natural at all, imo. I also saw a pattern emerge that was very disturbing. When she is lacking in sleep she's more depressed has more anxiety issues. She also has a history of cutting when depressed. When she gets normal amounts of sleep all of those issues diminish.
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Post by mom on Feb 15, 2017 15:17:44 GMT
How about disable the wifi when you go to bed?
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Feb 15, 2017 15:20:22 GMT
Password protect all of your devices/computers with a password she wouldn't know. You could also change the password on the wifi and not give it to her. I have my dd13 do her homework as soon as she gets home from school otherwise I know it wouldn't get done. Once she's done she can be on her devices/pc's until bedtime. I set her computer to shut down at a particular time. If she stays up late on a school night on her phone and is a pain to get up the next morning then she goes to bed earlier the next night.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 15:25:57 GMT
She has been doing this sneaking on and off since the summer. So why does she still have access to devices that she can sneak onto? It sounds like you take them away only to give them right back. If this was a continuous behavior that showed no signs of stopping I'd cure it by not allowing her any devices period. If she needs to be online for school work it would be supervised in a living room or kitchen area. Take the devices away, she won't die without them despite what she tells you. I took away her personal laptop last month. Sometimes she sneaks it into her room. Her school issued mac is needed for her homework. That mac still has access to texting, videos and some online sites. So the mac I have to give back. You are right, I am definitely going to have her do her homework supervised. Which saddens me because I don't want to restrict her like that. That to me seems like micromanaging like myshelly has said. Oh well, I've given her plenty of chances.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 15:27:14 GMT
How about disable the wifi when you go to bed? Yeah, I considered that. But then she can still use her phone without the wifi and she racks up our GB usage.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Feb 15, 2017 15:29:35 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. My girls are 16 & 13 and quite often their brains are in the off position. They do things without thinking about the repercussions. My eldest's strategy for going sleep was watching YouTube videos deep into the night until she drifted off. She was exhausted and grumpy. Add to that her healthy diet of starch. Her tumbling skills for cheer and gymnastics were declining, her hair was falling out and she was teary at night. I challenged her to turn in her phone/electronics at 10 pm, get adequate sleep and food and see how she felt. Well, she picked up a couple of new tumbling skills within a couple of weeks and begrudgingly acknowledged she felt better. It wasn't really a question of micromanaging but guidance. @scrappymom could you get your daughter on board with some healthy changes. Stay strong, the first steps are the hardest. SaveSaveSaveSave
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 15, 2017 15:32:24 GMT
The problem with screens is it disrupts the natural sleep cycle. We have a central charging station where all electronics live - phones, pods, pads, tablets - everything is plugged in at 9 PM. The kids can then shower, read, stretch or otherwise get ready for bed - they seem to be much more able to determine their own lights out without a screen in their face. The bus picks up at 7, so simply don't have the luxury of sleeping in (I don't disagree with the discussion about teens and natural sleep cycles, but I unfortunately don't set the district's bell schedule). We started this routine a few years ago and it's been hugely beneficial not just for sneaking the electronics, but making sure all those devices are actually charged before morning - we had a few morning freak outs about the school ipad not being charged. If you "forget" to charge your device, it lives in our fireproof safe for a week. The biggest adjustment was reading on the ipads- the kids legitimately do like to read on their ipad - but it absolutely wasn't working to get them ready to transition to sleep - studies show it's something to do with the type of light the device emits - so they rely on paper books for that time right before bed.
OP, it sounds like your daughter has some underlying issues. I'd be really careful about a holistic approach. Sleeping in the afternoon could be a sign of too much electronics at night, but could also be a sign of depression. How are her friend relationships? Does she not have outside activities? I'd be really concerned about social media bullying and other things going on. Good luck to you.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 15:38:16 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. My girls are 16 & 13 and quite often their brains are in the off position. They do things without thinking about the repercussions. My eldest's strategy for going sleep was watching YouTube videos deep into the night until she drifted off. She was exhausted and grumpy. Add to that her healthy diet of starch. Her tumbling skills for cheer and gymnastics were declining, her hair was falling out and she was teary at night. I challenged her to turn in her phone/electronics at 10 pm, get adequate sleep and food and see how she felt. Well, she picked up a couple of new tumbling skills within a couple of weeks and begrudgingly acknowledged she felt better. It wasn't really a question of micromanaging but guidance. @scrappymom could you get your daughter on board with some healthy changes. Stay strong, the first steps are the hardest. SaveSaveSaveSaveI have tried that in the past. She either didn't feel like complying or she simply will never admit that she does feel better.
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Post by candleangie on Feb 15, 2017 15:48:42 GMT
How about disable the wifi when you go to bed? Yeah, I considered that. But then she can still use her phone without the wifi and she racks up our GB usage. You can shut off the data on the phone from your account page, and then kill the modem at night. It works. Been there. For what it's worth, I think you're really dealing with two problems that should have separate consequences. Being on the internet when it's restricted (shut off phone data and modem at night) and the sneaking/lying (remove all trust based priviledges....like being home alone, having a closed door, going places without an adult, etc "until I feel I can trust you to be truthful about what you're doing again.") The first would be for a set time, the second she would earn back gradually. This worked really well at our house, but i admittedly have very compliant kids in general. Ymmv
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Post by littlemama on Feb 15, 2017 15:53:29 GMT
Well, there wouldn't be any napping after school and then staying up late for homework. Our rule was always that homework was done right after school (or whatever after school activity there was). DS always had a bedtime. We loosened it up when he was in later high school, but he still pretty much went to bed when we would have wanted him to because he needed the sleep.
Your dd's issues are disciplinary. If I told my ds not to touch his phone, he wouldn't have touched his phone.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 15:55:39 GMT
The problem with screens is it disrupts the natural sleep cycle. We have a central charging station where all electronics live - phones, pods, pads, tablets - everything is plugged in at 9 PM. The kids can then shower, read, stretch or otherwise get ready for bed - they seem to be much more able to determine their own lights out without a screen in their face. The bus picks up at 7, so simply don't have the luxury of sleeping in (I don't disagree with the discussion about teens and natural sleep cycles, but I unfortunately don't set the district's bell schedule). We started this routine a few years ago and it's been hugely beneficial not just for sneaking the electronics, but making sure all those devices are actually charged before morning - we had a few morning freak outs about the school ipad not being charged. If you "forget" to charge your device, it lives in our fireproof safe for a week. The biggest adjustment was reading on the ipads- the kids legitimately do like to read on their ipad - but it absolutely wasn't working to get them ready to transition to sleep - studies show it's something to do with the type of light the device emits - so they rely on paper books for that time right before bed. OP, it sounds like your daughter has some underlying issues. I'd be really careful about a holistic approach. Sleeping in the afternoon could be a sign of too much electronics at night, but could also be a sign of depression. How are her friend relationships? Does she not have outside activities? I'd be really concerned about social media bullying and other things going on. Good luck to you. She does have underlying issues. She's been depressed and has anxiety issues. She also has done some cutting. She went to a therapist for a while but things have gotten better. Like I've mentioned, she functions better when she gets enough sleep. That's why I am so adamant that she finds what is a good amount of sleep for herself. She was doing basketball and that took up a lot of her time before school, after school and on weekends. It took a toll on her but she was never late to practice, only missed 2 games due to the flu and she kept all A's in her classes, which are mostly Pre-AP. She is a perfectionist and I have to remind her to slow down and relax. The season just ended last week and she is the happiest, less stressed I have seen her in months. We have a central charging station but she has taken her devices without me knowing because I'm asleep. She really is a good kid overall and we have a great, open relationship. I just will not stand for the lying and sneaking and breaking of my trust. And it all centers around her electronics. So frustrating.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 15:58:04 GMT
Yeah, I considered that. But then she can still use her phone without the wifi and she racks up our GB usage. You can shut off the data on the phone from your account page, and then kill the modem at night. It works. Been there. For what it's worth, I think you're really dealing with two problems that should have separate consequences. Being on the internet when it's restricted (shut off phone data and modem at night) and the sneaking/lying (remove all trust based priviledges....like being home alone, having a closed door, going places without an adult, etc "until I feel I can trust you to be truthful about what you're doing again.") The first would be for a set time, the second she would earn back gradually. This worked really well at our house, but i admittedly have very compliant kids in general. Ymmv Great advice. Thank you very much!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 19:24:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2017 16:04:45 GMT
Well, there wouldn't be any napping after school and then staying up late for homework. Our rule was always that homework was done right after school (or whatever after school activity there was). DS always had a bedtime. We loosened it up when he was in later high school, but he still pretty much went to bed when we would have wanted him to because he needed the sleep. Your dd's issues are disciplinary. If I told my ds not to touch his phone, he wouldn't have touched his phone. I told her that last night, no more napping. She needs to do hw first and then free time. I allowed her the napping/late night hw because she was doing basketball and wasn't home much. Practice would start at 6am. Some game nights she got home at 9pm and then had to study for hours only to be back up at 5am the next day. I really tried to work with her during basketball. But it just ended last week so I told her that things would change. She was not happy about it but said ok here's my phone and I'll turn in my mac at midnight. And she did. But then turned around and snuck on her old phone perusing Twitter all night. You are absolutely right it is discipline problem. This is the first time I've had to do something like this in years. Thank you everyone for helping me find the right solution.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,306
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Feb 15, 2017 18:03:12 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. It is the fact that she is disobeying and being disrespectful to her mother. That would piss me off! Cell phone use is a privilege earned.
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 15, 2017 18:12:44 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. It is the fact that she is disobeying and being disrespectful to her mother. That would piss me off! Cell phone use is a privilege earned. Exactly. And the DD is 14, almost 15. To me, that is different than if she were 15, going on 16. She has YEARS to figure out how to manage her device use before she goes off to college/life. And if a friend needs her at 4am, I would say that problem is bigger than another 14 year old should be handling. I agree that teens' bodies are often suited to late nights/late mornings. But the reality of life is that school often begins early and so therefore we need to get up early. Jobs are like that, too. I would be tempted to let the sleeping go, as it's the first week off of Bball and my kids always sort of collapse the week after a big activity/season ends. But the sneaking around and lying would never fly in our house. And that is what I would address the most. Add in the history of depression and cutting and I'd be worried, not just let it go as normal teen behavior. OP, I would probably schedule a visit with your DD's counselor and talk about consequences and a path forward as a family. If you can't get an appt in the next day or two, I would come up with a plan with more monitoring and removal of online and phone access. Probably for a week as a punishment, then decide on a path forward after that. I would focus on the lying and the sneakiness, because to me that is a much bigger issue than simply being online at 4 am.
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Post by myshelly on Feb 15, 2017 18:21:54 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. It is the fact that she is disobeying and being disrespectful to her mother. That would piss me off! Cell phone use is a privilege earned. She wouldn't have to disobey if there weren't stupid rules though. I find myself identifying more with the teen here.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Feb 15, 2017 18:27:02 GMT
At 15 I think you need to start examining why you are micromanaging this so much. I wouldn't compare micromanaging with parental concern. Kids spend entirely too much time on social media (don't we all spend too much time on the computer??). Nothing wrong with having them scale back, especially in the middle of the night. She is 14, not 18. Your house, your rules.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Feb 15, 2017 18:33:57 GMT
I have tried that in the past. She either didn't feel like complying or she simply will never admit that she does feel better. {{Hugs}} that is frustrating.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Feb 15, 2017 18:41:03 GMT
We use Circle to limit our 15 yo's time online. It lets you set bedtimes. I know plenty of adults that are addicted to their devices so I don't think it's unusual that a teenager needs parental help with this.
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