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Post by txdancermom on Apr 25, 2017 1:37:56 GMT
So sorry
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
Jul 12, 2014 21:58:10 GMT
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Post by pridemom on Apr 25, 2017 2:43:19 GMT
Whatever happens, push for your daughters needs being met. Be it through a trust or ABLE account, she needs to be provided for.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Apr 25, 2017 3:15:43 GMT
I'm so sorry. Agree the first thing you should do is get a lawyer. ASAP - call first thing tomorrow morning. I'm sorry. I do agree with others that you are most likely entitled to part of his pension.
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Post by malibou on Apr 25, 2017 3:23:16 GMT
Dang, I'm sorry.
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Apr 25, 2017 3:42:56 GMT
I'm sorry!
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Post by patin on Apr 25, 2017 4:36:56 GMT
I'm so sorry. 31 years is a long time. The peas have great advice & will walk thru this with you. ((HUGS))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:16:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 4:55:31 GMT
Lawyer
And maybe marriage counseling?
Make sure that he not only provides the money your daughter needs but helps with her care. My friend has a mentally ill 30 y/o daughter, and she had to throw herself under a bus to get the ex to help with her care, just so she could go home to nap for an hour.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:16:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 4:58:05 GMT
And my all time weird ass advice? Don't say or post anything the your ex can use against you. Delete such things.
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Post by pelirroja on Apr 25, 2017 9:40:17 GMT
Lawyer up immediately and make sure to find someone in your state who has experience in divorce/family law and trust/estate issues concerning disabled adult children. Get a P.O. box and if possible, a bank safety deposit box in your name only. Photocopy bank statements, pension plans, house/mortgage documents, etc. DO NOT make a move: stay put.
Do not engage in conversation with your spouse about the upcoming divorce or pending property issues. Most states (except Maryland) have something called "one party consent" and he could record you speaking about giving something up, negotiating something away, and use it against you. Sorry if it sounds paranoid: I'm just trying to be realistic. It happened to a friend of mine so yes, it does happen if he should turn into a materialistic enemy. Check with your lawyer so you don't accidentally give up your rights by moving or saying something that can be used against you. You will learn to say (in the sweetest voice you can muster) "I'm sorry, honey, I don't know anything about that. You'll need to speak to my lawyer. I know nothing." Pretend to be clueless as you gather info, learn the laws, and prepare yourself. He's no longer your friend or soulmate: do not confide in him or give him ammo against you. I'm so sorry if I sound mean or heartless, it is not intended to hurt you, it's just that BTDT.
You have been married more than 25 years and in some states that gives you a whole lot more leverage than a younger, less seasoned marriage. His pension isn't really fully HIS pension, as he will soon find out (you are probably entitled to a portion of it).
Stop posting your business on the internet as it might be used against you. Change your usernames and passwords and lay low while your storm is ongoing. It will pass, I promise.
Most of all ((hugs)). It's a tough spot to be in and three years from now you will be stronger and more resilient than you ever thought you could be.
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Post by LisaDV on Apr 25, 2017 11:07:15 GMT
It sounds like everyone has left good advice. I just wanted to say sorry and send hugs and support your way!!
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Post by deshacrafts on Apr 25, 2017 11:09:08 GMT
I'm so sorry.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Apr 25, 2017 11:21:52 GMT
Most of all ((hugs)). It's a tough spot to be in and three years from now you will be stronger and more resilient than you ever thought you could be. This says what I was thinking. You will get through this even if you didn't see it coming and never wanted it. And you will learn so much more about yourself than you ever knew possible. Right now? Start with a highly qualified lawyer.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,417
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Apr 25, 2017 11:22:05 GMT
Yuck. That's a long time to be married and then have it fall apart like that. Is he truly wanting a divorce? Or is it a cry for help? Do you want a divorce?
Either way, be strong. Fight for you and fight for your daughter. hugs.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,281
Location: Michigan
Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Apr 25, 2017 11:30:42 GMT
I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 25, 2017 12:10:10 GMT
I'm sorry. This is NOT the time to be nice. You need to protect yourself. You should be entitled to part of his pension. Don't forget your handling everything at home and relocating for his job allowed him to earn that salary and pension. Those things matter in a settlement.
Ask around for referrals to a good attorney.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Apr 25, 2017 12:13:53 GMT
((HUGS)) Take the advice of the peas, don't do anything without the advice of a good lawyer. Make copies of anything you can get your hands on asap - bank statements, pensions, etc. Do not have any discussions with him about what will/may happen. Play dumb, nod and ignore if you have to (best he doesn't know your hand.) We've had the divorce argument and hubby thinks a business in both our names "isn't worth a cent." Letting him think i'm dumb enough to believe it is in my best interest so I don't bother informing him of what I actually know It's a scary situation to be in especially when blindsided, but I think you'll be surprised to find what you are entitled to. Fight to get what you need for you and your dd. Good luck ((HUGS))
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 25, 2017 12:41:23 GMT
Your daughter's care does not fall on your shoulders completely. You can apply for child support here to cover her expenses. You need to contact your family maintenance branch and find out what your rights are. You may get money for respite care and on there stuff from him. Find a good lawyer.
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Post by gailoh on Apr 25, 2017 12:44:14 GMT
get your own lawyer...being married that long and with a daughter needing care you need one that battles for her and you...
depending on what state you are in and being married over ten years you may have good rights to help you...you may be able to get part of his retirement and other holdings as well...don't wait please...do copy a few years of tax returns...you need the proof of what he was and is making...anything he has bought car,RV, ATV...boat...copy that as well...stocks,bonds any holdings...protect you and your daughter and like others said play the " I don't know" card...don't sign or agree to anything...see the lawyer first...
please let us know how you are doing...hugs
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,775
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 25, 2017 12:47:30 GMT
No advice from me. I just wanted to say that I am sorry this is happening.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
Jul 1, 2014 6:33:14 GMT
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Post by joelise on Apr 25, 2017 17:37:56 GMT
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been in your position and know how difficult it is. Legally I would agree with the peas, get a lawyer, I don't know where you live but I'd be surprised if you aren't entitled to some of his pension. Emotionally I'd say, it does get better. Hugs for you.
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Post by BoilerUp! on Apr 25, 2017 17:44:29 GMT
First, I am sorry
Second, speak with an attorney immediately and protect yourself and your adult child you will be taking care of first!
Lastly, You are entitled to portions of his retirement, 401k, stocks, etc . . . . Good luck girl!!
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Post by renateb on Apr 25, 2017 20:00:54 GMT
I'm so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I am walking that same path after 30 years.
get copies of as much financial information as you can including bank statements, tax returns, retirement account statements, car titles, home papers, life insurance, and any info regarding your daughter.
See an attorney as soon as possible. Hard to do but necessary. Take all that info along. You may or may not need it.
I chose to move out. I couldn't afford the home and truly am happier in a much smaller place. If your home is set up to accommodate daughter that changes everything.
Finally, husband may not be retiring at 52 any more. You are entitled to 1/2 of all retirement and probably much more considering the continued care of your daughter. He will also be responsible for the continued care of his daughter.
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anitapea2
Shy Member
Posts: 33
Jul 13, 2014 18:51:38 GMT
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Post by anitapea2 on Apr 25, 2017 21:27:50 GMT
I just want to say thank you for all your kind words, hugs and advice. I appreciate it. I'm not sure when any of this will take place, my guess is it will be a few months before anything is started, we have children who will be graduating college soon, and I don't want to ruin that for them. After all this time, we have become strangers occupying the same address. I also have a mother who has Alzheimer's and my dad is killing himself trying to take care of her he will no doubt die first, they live Out of town so on my days off, my daughter and I go there so I can help them, which doesn't help anything on the home front, it will be hard to get lawyer, etc right now. I'm slowly watching my parents and my marriage die. I usually lurk here and rarely post, but there really isn't anyone I can talk to about this, so again, I really appreciate your kindness.
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Post by monicad on Apr 26, 2017 0:33:40 GMT
Please, talk to a lawyer before you do anything. You may be entitled to a share of his retirement (and he may be entitled to a portion of yours). You should be entitled to half of your home. A lawyer will cost you some money, but it will be money well spent. I agree. I know with dh's job (divorce is prevalent) the pension is split, and in some cases you can get a percentage once they retire. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
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Post by flanz on Apr 26, 2017 0:40:08 GMT
Get a lawyer asap See what portion of his retirement you may be entitled to. After31 years you may be entitled to some of it depending where you are And I sure hope your daughter with special needs is entitled to some! I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. (((HUGS)))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:16:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 0:50:40 GMT
get your dad to put your mother in place that can deal with her.
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Post by frenchie on Apr 26, 2017 1:11:54 GMT
get your dad to put your mother in place that can deal with her. There are nursing agencies and groups who can go to your parents' home to help. Sometimes Alzheimers facilities are houses of horror. My mother was brutally abused in one and we were fortunate to get it on tape and have them prosecuted. Alzheimers' patients are obviously extremely vulnerable. To the OP, I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with. Hopefully we will be able to give you some support here. Vent away.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:16:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 1:30:10 GMT
get your dad to put your mother in place that can deal with her. There are nursing agencies and groups who can go to your parents' home to help. Sometimes Alzheimers facilities are houses of horror. My mother was brutally abused in one and we were fortunate to get it on tape and have them prosecuted. Alzheimers' patients are obviously extremely vulnerable. To the OP, I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with. Hopefully we will be able to give you some support here. Vent away. This is so sad and there is a special place in hell for those who abuse the helpless. We were so lucky to have caring people help with my husband's mother. They were beyond special even with dealing with my husband's father. We do not expect that he will get the same level of care from these caretakers when his time comes.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 20:16:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 1:35:59 GMT
I just want to say thank you for all your kind words, hugs and advice. I appreciate it. I'm not sure when any of this will take place, my guess is it will be a few months before anything is started, we have children who will be graduating college soon, and I don't want to ruin that for them. After all this time, we have become strangers occupying the same address. I also have a mother who has Alzheimer's and my dad is killing himself trying to take care of her he will no doubt die first, they live Out of town so on my days off, my daughter and I go there so I can help them, which doesn't help anything on the home front, it will be hard to get lawyer, etc right now. I'm slowly watching my parents and my marriage die. I usually lurk here and rarely post, but there really isn't anyone I can talk to about this, so again, I really appreciate your kindness. I see you as being very passive. You've spent your life taking care of others. That's admirable. But now you're going to sit back and guess when "anything is started". (spring graduations should be happening within weeks, right?) It will be "hard" to get a lawyer now? I'm fairly confident that your husband isn't having any difficulty getting his ducks in a row. You seriously have to put yourself first...and your FUTURE first and take the time to take care of yourself and find a good attorney. I'm afraid you're going to regret allowing your husband to steer the rest of your life because you're too busy being passive and failing to put yourself first. Putting your parents on the back burner, even for two weeks so that you can focus on finding a good attorney isn't going to be make or break for them, but it very well can be for you. Take control of your situation. You can do it. Your life can be better than it is now. But you have to take control and put yourself first. Edited to add...a good attorney IS MAKE OR BREAK. As my dumb ass ex who had a terrible attorney. IDK if he pulled a name out of the phone book or was referred to them, but a good attorney is the most important factor, IMO.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Apr 26, 2017 1:58:11 GMT
I am so very sorry. That is so hard. It may be retiring soon but you will be entitled to part of his retirement. Get a good attorney and as you move through the divorce proceedings do not believe the lie that you are taking his retirement. You said yourself you left jobs to move with him and I am assuming those moves were likely for his career advancement.
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