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Post by fkawitchypea on Apr 26, 2017 2:28:15 GMT
I'm so sorry. I will echo advice you have received above. See a lawyer immediately. It can be expensive but is totally worth it in the long run.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,876
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 26, 2017 2:53:06 GMT
I'm so sorry. I have no advice other than to get a lawyer.
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,635
Jun 27, 2014 2:21:22 GMT
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Post by valincal on Apr 26, 2017 2:56:55 GMT
Oh I'm so sorry.
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Post by pelirroja on Apr 26, 2017 11:43:54 GMT
While I appreciate the update, I feel I need to be brutally frank here. Get an attorney ASAP. If your dh is asking for this, chances are pretty good he's been thinking about it for quite some time and likely already has his attorney lined up (and maybe his new place to live, who knows?). Do not use the same attorney: get your own. And find as good an attorney as you possibly can. You only need to come up with the original retainer and you can take it from there. There will be a financial settlement later down the line so don't cheap out now: this is crucial. (Just ask anybody who's ever been divorced). You have an extremely small window of opportunity here to call your own shots rather than waiting for someone else's actions or inactions. ACT NOW. And yes, I'm yelling.
Sorry about the Alzheimer's: there are social services and support available to help your Dad: it doesn't have to be YOU doing the caretaking. Call an agency, hire a babysitter, contact the Alzheimer's Association. You MUST put yourself first right now: everyone else's problems can wait: yours can't and won't. I know you're dreading taking the first step of lawyering up but the first step is the hardest. It gets easier once you accept that this divorce is going to happen, whether you want it or not. Your husband has already walked away, emotionally: leaving physically isn't that far off, probably. Delaying getting a lawyer and denying this is going to happen will cost you a great deal financially, physically, and emotionally. Dust yourself off, girl, and get going. You have a lot at stake here: you need to light a fire under yourself. Pronto. Don't grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be. It's backbone time!
More ((hugs)) just in case I sound b*tchy: that is definitely NOT my intention. Get your butt moving: ask divorced friends for referrals, line up appointments. You can cry later. Get it done. If I've p*ssed you off, use that energy to get yourself in gear. It's OK if you're mad at me. I don't want you screwed over but I can't care about this more than you do. It's YOUR life, not mine.
P.S.: I don't want you to be blindsided and I'm afraid you might be if you don't get working on this immediately. Don't victimize yourself: take the reins and get control over this situation that is not of your making. It's going to happen: be prepared.
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Post by terri on Apr 26, 2017 12:00:49 GMT
I am so sorry. I haven't been through it personally but my friends that have say the very first thing you should do is get an attorney. I would not leave the house until you have some kind of attorney approved written separation agreement in place.
I have been married 25 years and would have the same concerns as you. I know for me it would be scary, heartbreaking and overwhelming. I have seen other Peas who have gone through this get really good advice and support here. So please know people are here for you. Sending huge hugs your way.
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Post by mcscrapper on Apr 26, 2017 12:24:07 GMT
First of all, huge hugs to you. I cannot even imagine how hurt you may be feeling.
Having said that, you can cry and be upset later. Right now you have to tuck that away, put your feelings aside and get down to business.
Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT allow him to push you around and take advantage of your situation with your daughter and parents. I'll bet you he is banking on you being passive about this. Get a lawyer ASAP. Do not put this off. If you have any very close friends that have recently divorced after a lengthy marriage, I would ask and see who is the go-to attorney in your area. Your divorce is not "an easy" case and you will need a seasoned fighter on your side. You are talking about dissolution of a very long marriage with a child that requires long term care, and you ARE entitled to a lot more than you probably think. In my state, if you have been married longer than 15 years, you are entitled to a large portion of the sale of the home or equity and a portion of your spouse's 401k/retirement in your situation. You would also be entitled to at least half of the financial responsibilities for your daughter. If you've been married longer, you may be entitled to even more. I knew of a woman in your similar situation that was awarded half of his retirement because she followed him all over this country when he was transferred d/t his job. She is a nurse and was never with a single employer long enough to really build a significant retirement.
I agree with a lot of others that you need to put yourself first right now. You appear to be a constant caregiver and putting everyone's needs before your own and he will try to use that against you. It is time to prove him wrong and it is time to stand up for yourself.
If it were me, I would probably continue to play "passive" in his view. I would definitely get a PO box and I would hire a shark of an attorney. I would probably buy myself some time by playing the "our son is about to graduate so let's not do anything until after that" card. Will that get you to his actual retirement date? Buying a little time here may be in your favor but I'm guessing he has been making plans for quite some time and already hired an attorney to give him advice about that retirement fund. Your attorney can find out all about his financial holdings and these things will have to be disclosed at some point. He may very likely offer you a set price settlement. My guess is that will be a very low-ball offer, too. Again, you will definitely need a seasoned attorney that's aggressive and will fight for you. Now is not the time to get a green attorney to save some money. It will be worth it in the long run to hire the best.
My post probably sounds harsh too but you have to take care of yourself and your daughter.
Stay strong, sister!
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Post by librarylady on Apr 26, 2017 13:19:08 GMT
PLEASE, please, take care of yourself. For the first time in your life, think ME and let the others slide for awhile.
Those of us who have walked in your shoes are giving you good advice. Please heed it.
If he mentioned it, yes, a divorce will happen. Put yourself in the driver's seat, don't let the rest of your life get messed up.
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