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Post by craftedbys on Aug 1, 2017 17:08:29 GMT
Please excuse what I am sure will be a long and maybe rambling post, but I could sure use some RefuPea hugs today.
A bit of backstory: I have posted before about how I quit my full time job last September and moved to a part time position so that I could help my dad take care of my Mom with dementia.
In December we moved across town to be closer to my parents. At the end if February my mom got worse and so I quit my part time job to help care for her full time. Both of my brothers (and one SIL) are retired and better off financially, but since I am the baby and lived closest, the majority of care fell to me.
I spent my spring helping my dad (who will be 90 in a few months) care for my mom (there was nothing physically wrong with her, so she didn't really need a care facility) and keeping their household running while at the same time having my own household to run. I will say that DH and my DS(16) really stepped up and helped out.
DD got home from her Freshman year of college the Friday before Mother's day. My mom had been steadily declining and passed away the next Tuesday.
I really didn't get a chance to grieve, I almost immediately went into caretaker mode, doing whatever I could to support my dad who had just lost his bride of 68 years.
I tried several times to post about it here, but I kind of felt like once I did that, it would make it "real", Kim?
I have spent the time since then continuing to run two households, although my dad is pretty self sufficient. I go over there everyday to work on going through the house that my parents have lived in for 50 years. Dad doesn't want to get rid of all of mom's stuff, but some if her excess "collections". I have found lots if sentimental things over the last few weeks, and things I have questions about but she's not around to answer them.
Anyway, if you have made it this far, last Saturday DD was supposed to move back to school for training for her job as an RA. Emotions were running high and we got into a spat about the mess she was leaving behind and I ended up having a meltdown and a big ugly cry.
I was so upset I didn't go along with DH to help her move in.
Now today my son is leaving home as well. He was accepted into our state's School for the Arts, a boarding school for high school juniors and seniors. I just did this 3 years ago when my DD went off to the state school for math and science, But he will be much farther away (4 hours).
I am trying so hard to keep it together. I am truly proud of DS, but so sad at my baby leaving home 2 years early. I should be excited that DH will finally have some time to focus on us, but I am going to miss the kids like crazy.
I have been teary eyed all morning and I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye. So I could use any and all positive vibes to help me get through this.
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Post by JoP on Aug 1, 2017 17:19:42 GMT
Sending you from across the pond
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Post by not2peased on Aug 1, 2017 17:20:42 GMT
I don't have any concrete advice, I just hope you are as able to be as kind to yourself, as you would to someone else going through what you are going through. It's A LOT and the fact you have kept it together the way you have, it's commendable.
try to go easy on yourself if you can. You have been through a lot
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Aug 1, 2017 17:20:46 GMT
{{{hugs}}} Transitions are hard, and you are dealing with a lot all at once!
Give yourself a lot of credit for all you have done and are doing. You are giving, kind, generous, loving, capable and completely amazing as both a daughter and a mom!
Write your daughter a note and tell her how much you love her. Treat yourself to your favorite dessert tonight. Go to bed early. You are a deeply good person going through some emotional times. Everything will be okay.
And a few more {{{hugs}}}
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Post by hop2 on Aug 1, 2017 17:21:17 GMT
Hugs
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 0:25:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2017 17:21:39 GMT
Oh my. That's a lot to go through in such a short period of time.
Sending you hugs and warm thoughts.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 1, 2017 17:22:28 GMT
I'm sorry about the loss of your Mom. You've been handling a lot in a very short amount of time. Be kind to yourself. You totally desire a big ugly cry at the end of the day, it's hard saying goodbye to our kids!
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,431
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Aug 1, 2017 17:22:42 GMT
Hugs to you!!
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,178
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Aug 1, 2017 17:22:42 GMT
I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much. Hugs from me too.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,510
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 1, 2017 17:24:38 GMT
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom! You are dealing with a lot of emotional strain, so sit down and have that big ugly cry as often as you need to.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Aug 1, 2017 17:30:08 GMT
I know a bit about losing a mother and it sucks. (Dementia took my mother's mind and cancer took her body.) I also know it's healthy and part of the human life experience to cope through grief. We can't get away without it. You may be a emotional person like me who cried for months or maybe one good cry and you're done. You need to work through this. It's not easy. I am crying as I write this. You have to do it for your own mental health. That's all the advice I am giving you.
Now from one Pea to another I am sending lots of love, prayers, good vibes or whatever it takes you to get through this. It will get better. Much love. xoxoxoxox
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Post by christine58 on Aug 1, 2017 17:30:51 GMT
HUGS....Please ask your brothers to step up and help you out. Your mom would not want you to be sacrificing everything in your life right now. It's ok to ask for help...you need a break!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 0:25:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2017 17:35:01 GMT
Gosh, any ONE of those things alone would turn me into an emotional wreck. I can't imagine losing your Mom, dealing with her things, helping your Dad AND having two kids move away! Call your DD to clear the air. It will make you feel better. Then start planning trips to visit the kids. I found that if I could focus on when I would see them next, it made them being gone a bit more bearable. Perhaps rather than getting rid of some of your Mom's things, you can box the "excess" and see whether others would like some of those mementos. You've been through a lot emotionally in a very short time. If you are finding it hard, it wouldn't hurt to find someone to talk to.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 1, 2017 17:35:35 GMT
Aw, I am so sorry. I would have had that ugly cry, too.
Be gentle on yourself. These are a lot of changes/losses to deal with at one time.
Sending my hugs to you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 0:25:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2017 17:39:08 GMT
Hugs and love to you
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Post by Tamhugh on Aug 1, 2017 17:41:42 GMT
I don't think you need to try so hard to hold it together. If you need to cry, do it. Give yourself a time frame... say, "I am going to my room to wallow in self pity for the next hour and then I will get back to my day". Do it and then move on to the next thing. Do it every day if you have to until you don't need to anymore. Grief is personal. No one needs the same amount of time or the same way to get through it. Be kind to yourself because you are going through a lot.
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Post by worrywart on Aug 1, 2017 17:50:22 GMT
You are going through SO much!! Please take care of yourself and let (expect) your siblings to help. Don't try and do it all.
Talk to your kids and let them know that you are emotionally fragile right now and need their support.
(((hugs!!)))
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Aug 1, 2017 17:51:53 GMT
Huge bear hug sent your way. You've been through a lot in a short amount of time. After it's all done, sit down and have that good cry, then go pamper yourself. ❤️
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Post by destined2bmom on Aug 1, 2017 17:59:29 GMT
Huge hugs being sent to you! You have been through so much in such a short time; be gentle with yourself. Go ahead and go and let your son know why you are so sad. It's okay to feel this way about your children and family.
Then in when you get back, call your siblings and ask for help.
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Post by katlady on Aug 1, 2017 18:02:13 GMT
HUGS!!
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Aug 1, 2017 18:06:56 GMT
It's so much but I totally understand. I lost my mom suddendly in Feb it's turned our world upside down and my step dad is in really bad shape. It scares me so if you need to pmail someone just to talk we're always good for that... sometimes it's nice just to type it all out and get it out of your head. and I agree with @pascoe pea, sometimes you gotta have the big ugly cry and releasse some of that emotion. BIG HUGS!! And yes treats are good... a funny thing we've discovered is our local store has single slices of cake or cheesecake, just single servings which is nice with just DH and i, so when we're both having a rough/sad day or just a hard day overall, he'll pick some up on his way home. It's our little pick me up. Whatever works for you, it doesn't have to be sweets, just something you really like to brighten your spirits. Hang in and feel free many of us have gone through different things and have been there for good words and friendships. I love the Peas!
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Post by hdoublej on Aug 1, 2017 18:06:56 GMT
I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. You've been through so much lately, be gentle with yourself. I'm sure everything will work out with your DD. I know you must be so proud of both of your kids! Them leaving is tough stuff though. They don't tell you that part when they are little lol. My DD is returning to college week after next, she'll be a sophomore. I totally wasn't prepared for how hard it was going to be to leave her there last year. BIG ((hugs)) to you!
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Aug 1, 2017 18:10:52 GMT
(((Hugs))) Please take care of yourself first, so you have something to give others!
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Aug 1, 2017 18:15:23 GMT
I'm sorry, that is a lot to go through in a short time. I'll just echo what everyone else has said...be kind to yourself, ask for help when you need it, and feel what you need to feel! Sounds like you've raised two smart and talented kids, too! I hope the transition to a (mostly) empty nest will be easier than you think. Hugs to you!
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 1, 2017 18:16:18 GMT
{{{{{{{great big hugs for you}}}}}}
Sending lots of positive vibes your way.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,318
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 1, 2017 18:21:19 GMT
(((hugs)))
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Post by disneypal on Aug 1, 2017 18:22:48 GMT
Oh my goodness. I do remember you posting back when you left your job. You have really been through a lot this past year and now with your kids moving on, that has to be so hard.
I'm so sorry that you are going through such a rough time, made even harder by losing your mom. It is so hard to be the caretaker, it is such a strain and no one (unless they have done it before) can truly understand. I know you must be so emotionally drained.
I'm sorry ((HUGS))
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Post by grammadee on Aug 1, 2017 18:32:55 GMT
Gosh, any ONE of those things alone would turn me into an emotional wreck. I can't imagine losing your Mom, dealing with her things, helping your Dad AND having two kids move away! Call your DD to clear the air. It will make you feel better. Then start planning trips to visit the kids. I found that if I could focus on when I would see them next, it made them being gone a bit more bearable. Perhaps rather than getting rid of some of your Mom's things, you can box the "excess" and see whether others would like some of those mementos. You've been through a lot emotionally in a very short time. If you are finding it hard, it wouldn't hurt to find someone to talk to. Anger is as much a part of grief as tears. Touch base with your dd and plan to go see her soon so you can give each other physical hugs. If you are like me, you forgot to ask for help until the whole thing became overwhelming--the mess in her room--and she was probably shocked that it mattered to you because you had never asked for that help. I am sure she has missed the unpreoccupied you. (((((HUGS))))) Go easy on yourself. Take any time you can to get some rest and refuel. Your batteries have been pretty depleted...
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Post by deekaye on Aug 1, 2017 18:35:07 GMT
Just ONE of those events would be hard to deal with, but you are dealing with event after event with no time to recover. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I don't think you ever get over something like that but take comfort in knowing that you are doing right by your dad. You are also honoring your mom by realizing that her things are sentimental. They meant something to her and now they mean something to you.
The argument with your daughter? Sigh... been there. Give it a few weeks and then maybe take a day or a weekend to go up to her college, take her shopping and/or out to lunch. You don't really need to hash out what happened. She is probably feeling bad about it too. Let it go and just enjoy having a daughter.
My heart hurts for you having your son move out two years before "normal". Good for him to be such an outstanding student that he was accepted in to this program but WAAAAA for mama! I had lots of weepy times three years ago when my baby left for college.
You have had to deal with so much over the last several months. Take care of yourself. A big cry every once in a while is okay!
(((Big Pea Hug)))
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Post by mcscrapper on Aug 1, 2017 18:38:22 GMT
I can SO relate to you and this situation. Not too long ago my step-mother died and I was in clean up mode with my dad. Long story, but suffice it to say that a lot happened in a short period of time in an already stressful period of my life.
I cried my eyes out some nights. I felt like I was the only one holding it together for a lot of people and it was the most stressful time of my life. I felt like I was being pulled in 14 directions and not doing a very good job at any of it. I am lucky my dd was able to help some which strengthened her bond with my dad and my now dh because he was there w my dad quite a bit. I had some good times with my dad, too. He is quite the storyteller even though I've heard most of the stories 10 times before, I think his reminiscing as we were cleaning things out helped him get through this time too.
Needless to say, I can totally empathize with you and how you might be feeling. I can't say one thing got me through this time but I did a lot of praying, a lot of crying, and a lot of forgiving during this time. I did try to walk or swim at least once per week which helped me clear my head. I may or may not have cried some during those times but it was a huge emotional release I must have needed.
I really don't have much advice to offer other than to find something to help you decompress when you need it. We are all here for you if you need to vent. Feel free to PM if you gotta get it out.
Hugs and more hugs for you!
m
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