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Post by laureljean on Aug 24, 2017 23:34:04 GMT
Good news: I have a new granddaughter and she is absolutely precious!
My Issue: Natalie (DGD) was diagnosed with Down syndrome shortly after birth. DD and DSIL and family live about an hour away. DH and I are empty nesters with DH retired and I am still working, but mostly from home, going into the office 1-2 days per week usually. It's about a 40 minute drive for me into work.
DH wants to move to the area where DD and family live to be closer to help out with things. I am tempted, but I also love our house and area, and DS and his GF live about 10 minutes from us. My drive to work would increase by about 20 miles, but time-wise would be about 15-20 minutes more (in good weather), because of less traffic down that way.
I don't know-- I hate to leave DS and GS (who I think will eventually marry and have kids) and my home, community, etc., but at the same time, I want to be more available to help with DD and family. Or should I just wait and see?
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Post by jumperhop on Aug 24, 2017 23:40:53 GMT
Congrats on the Birth of your precious Granddaughter, you are in for a life full of joy and laughter. At this point I wouldn't make any big decisions, just wait and see. Jen
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Aug 24, 2017 23:42:39 GMT
It's still early days, and a DS diagnosis can mean all kinds of things, in terms of what sort of help if any might be needed. Express your support and willingness to help however you can. As time goes along, mention that you've considered moving in order to be of more help and see how that's received. They'll need some time to figure out what their new normal will be (as with any baby!) and to see how DGD's diagnosis may change their expectation of what life as 3 would be.
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Post by mommc23 on Aug 24, 2017 23:42:53 GMT
This is tough. And, I'm not sure that there is a 'right or wrong' answer.
Remembering when my husband and I were younger and started having little kids...we weren't really settled at all. Suppose you pack up and move to be closer to them and a year later, they are forced to move because of a job? Then what?
Be thoughtful about what you do, taking into account your needs and the 'what ifs' that could happen. Maybe it is best for you to move, but it could also be the best decision for your family to stay where you are and offer love and support from there.
Best of luck and congrats on the new grandbaby ❤️❤️❤️
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Post by christine58 on Aug 24, 2017 23:42:57 GMT
That is hard. Has your DD asked for help?? Is DGD a newborn or older at this point? She (DGD) will qualify for some early intervention services I would imagine, so not sure what you would be helping with? When my DN was born severely impaired due to a lack of oxygen at birth, she had many needs and I truly don't know what my DB and DSIL would have done without our help.
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Post by laureljean on Aug 24, 2017 23:48:10 GMT
Congrats on the Birth of your precious Granddaughter, you are in for a life full of joy and laughter. At this point I wouldn't make any big decisions, just wait and see. Thanks for the congrats. I am so thrilled to have a little granddaughter! I think DH is willing to wait until next spring, since we have a little work to do to the house before we sell it. I think that is wise.
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Post by melanell on Aug 24, 2017 23:52:33 GMT
Congratulations on your new granddaughter. I wouldn't jump to make any major changes yet. I'd definitely wait & see. But in the meantime I would certainly let you DD & DSIL know that you're both willing to help them with anything they may need help with, and reiterate that as the weeks and months go by and they figure out what their specific needs may be.
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Post by laureljean on Aug 24, 2017 23:53:25 GMT
It's still early days, and a DS diagnosis can mean all kinds of things, in terms of what sort of help if any might be needed. Express your support and willingness to help however you can. As time goes along, mention that you've considered moving in order to be of more help and see how that's received. They'll need some time to figure out what their new normal will be (as with any baby!) and to see how DGD's diagnosis may change their expectation of what life as 3 would be. The thing is that DD has wanted us to move there since DGS who is 2 was born! She would be over the moon if we moved today, lol. But I really don't want to interfere with their family and DSIL does not say much, so I don't know how he really feels. My own mom was a pretty uninvolved grandparent, and I don't want to be that way, but I don't want to overdo things either. So hard to strike that balance.
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 25, 2017 0:01:22 GMT
Congratulations on your new granddaughter. I wouldn't jump to make any major changes yet. I'd definitely wait & see. But in the meantime I would certainly let you DD & DSIL know that you're both willing to help them with anything they may need help with, and reiterate that as the weeks and months go by and they figure out what their specific needs may be. Good advice to keep asking them. In a few months they might be ready for a night out! You are sweet to consider moving, yet there are compelling reasons to stay. My policy is to delay any major decisions at the start of a relationship or family changes. This certainly qualifies as both. I would also want to know their employment plans. Score a major move. If their next promotions require a long distance move you might wish you'd stayed put.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 25, 2017 0:33:35 GMT
I am not sure I would leave a home and area I loved to be closer. An hour away is not very far. Perhaps your husband can help out during the week sometimes since you are still working. I would have never asked my parents to move closer. It just seems like a lot to ask someone. If you were all for it, I would say go for it. But your life will drastically change.
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Post by Really Red on Aug 25, 2017 0:55:11 GMT
Congratulations on your new granddaughter!!!
I had a baby with a heart problem and we met many DS babies, who have similar issues. I would have given anything to have my mom nearby. I didn't want to LIVE with her, but she was so helpful and I really missed that a lot.
I know you probably don't want to up and move all the time, but if you moved nearer your daughter while her kids are young, then maybe you could do the same thing when your son and his GF decide to have kids, if they do? Nothing to stop you from doing that either, right?
And I agree with other posters. Wait a bit, and see what happens. It may involve more travel now, but you're a bit prepared. How much longer until retirement?
So exciting though, to be near two grandbabies! Nothing like that!
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Aug 25, 2017 1:12:06 GMT
Congratulations! My mom is a little over an hour away and she has been able to drive up when we've needed help for whatever reason. She is trying to move closer if not an addition onto our house, but it's due to her age and a few other things.
I'd wait and see.
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Post by laureljean on Aug 25, 2017 1:18:57 GMT
Thanks everyone. My instinct is to wait a bit and see what's what, but DH really wants to move. I appreciate your support. I am so beyond thrilled that she is here and I can't wait to see her personality unfold.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 25, 2017 1:29:01 GMT
I vote for waiting a bit and see how things go.
Our friends moved here from Indiana to help with granddaughter with DS. They do not regret it.
You might also consider a move 1/2 way between DS and DD.
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ellen
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Post by ellen on Aug 25, 2017 1:44:33 GMT
I would check out the real estate market in that area. An extra 20 minutes of driving to work would not be a big deal to me. If there are no homes that interest you right now, then you stay put until something that interests you comes along.
Congrats on the new little granddaughter. She is going to bring a lot of joy into your lives.
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scrapngranny
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 25, 2017 1:51:19 GMT
Congratulations on your beautiful new granddaughter!! Little girls are so much fun to buy adorable clothes for and also many, many bows.
Are there other medical issues that are sometimes connected to Down syndrome? If not, they may not need as much help as you think. Is the mom planning on going back to work? One thing that might mean a lot to the new parents is a babysitter once a month or so, so they can have a date night. Nobody is a better babysitter than doting grandparents.
Since you are happy with your current situation, I would take it slow and see how much help is going to be needed. We have 3 kids who are all married and 2 have moved 30-40 miles from home. We have decided not to move closer to one or the other, but stay where we are and not cause issues or hurt feelings on anyone's part.
Enjoy your sweet grand baby.
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Post by smokeynspike on Aug 25, 2017 4:27:23 GMT
Can you strike a compromise and go up for the weekends or something? That way you are available to both of your kids without having to move from your whole life, nor stay respectful of how your SIL may feel about you moving closer?
Melissa
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scrappinghappy
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Post by scrappinghappy on Aug 25, 2017 4:33:14 GMT
Congratulations. How precious each child is and the joy they bring is so special.
An hour is not far. My dh commutes that each day and has for the last 28 years. Your dh can use the time to listen to music or books and still be able to help your dd out. Maybe they have a guest room you can use if you stay overnight to give them time for a date. There are lots of options.
Enjoy all your grandkids!
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PLurker
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Post by PLurker on Aug 25, 2017 5:49:45 GMT
Congrats on the new baby girl! Enjoy every minute with her.
I can see why you are torn. Just give it some time. An immediate answer isn't necessary and I find when I tell myself to just chill-it's no rush, the answer/way comes to me. I'm sure (and hope) your answer will come to you.
Mostly, congratulations!
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Post by flanz on Aug 25, 2017 5:56:18 GMT
You've received the advice I would give, so I'll just say, CONGRATULATIONS!!
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PLurker
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Post by PLurker on Aug 25, 2017 6:03:19 GMT
and I like her name, Natalie. I hadn't really considered it before for a new name. But the visual of a little girl 'Natalie' makes me smile.
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 17:14:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2017 7:54:59 GMT
So much good advice already given, so I just wanted to say - the fact that you're even considering this already makes you awesome parents/grandparents,a dn they're so lucky to have you!
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Post by internetmama on Aug 25, 2017 9:03:16 GMT
Congrats on your new sweet love! I'll tel you some stories that might help. Since it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep, it's going to be long lol.
RE: your ds and gf. When we did a family trust, we wanted to have contingencies for any future grandchildren (we only have one now.) That is not allowed, only children that are currently alive can be added. Maybe that thought process could apply in your situation. You have your grandchildren from your dd right now so they go into the thought process. If and when ds has kids, everything can be re-examined.
RE: your DH. Since he is already retired, and it sounds like you have a young gs up there already, maybe he can start doing what we called Pappy Day. My FIL was retired before my MIL. Once a week, he would drive to us (1 hour away at the time) and babysit for the day. At that time, I had one in school and one was two. He would take the 2 year old out to lunch, to the park, shopping at the day old bread store, and his fav Chuckie Cheese. Seriously though he loved spending time with her. We even signed them up for swim lessons together. It gave me a chance to schedule haircuts, appointments and just to errands on my own or clean the house, etc. it really depends on your dh's view of grand-parenting. In your dd's case, maybe helping with the older child is the best help right this moment.
My parents did the same, coming to the house once a week. They started after my mom retired around the same time when my older dd was already in school. My dad wasn't the real on his own babysitting type but enjoyed being around. He would play on the computer and enjoyed walking to the park, etc, but my mom did the real hands on playing and care. They didn't like going out except the park but i didn't mind them hanging out and again it allowed be to go do things without a two year old in tow. They traveled about 40 minutes and went out to breakfast on their own before they came to the house, they brought their own sack lunch and their caged parrot. Lol, sounds weird but awesome memories and it became their weekly highlight
In later years, when that 2 year old was in kindergarten, I had another baby. My FIL had died by then and this wasthe first baby my mom got to help with from birth. She later told me how much she regretted not helping with the other two as babies and wished that she would have at least taken some time off when they were born to help. That stuck with me. You can't get those years back and there is a window from birth to age 5 where help s needed and children are available. When school starts, things change. You are in that window now. If you wait long to help out, the opportunity will be gone.
RE: you moving there and them moving away. Back to the trust idea, you can only count on what is right now. We did end up moving 2000 miles away when that last baby was 4 years old. It was heart wrenching. I'm this day and age, it's a real possibility. How crazy would it be in your area to keep your house as a rental and go rent up by her for a few years to see how it goes? Moving is hard and expensive.
RE: Moving an hour away. Doesn't sound like much, but it far enough away that you really will be starting over with everything and that's not to be taken lightly. Worse case scenario you move up there and they don't need you as often as you hoped and you have given up everything to sit home and feel lonely. My MIL recently moved about an hour away from her current home and it has been much harder than she thought starting over with everything. She loves her house but it's been a lot of work and she is still very lonely.
Final Thoughts: don't wait to get involved with helping out. It doesn't mean you have to move yet. DH can start tomorrow. You will never regret years spend with your young grandchildren. Moving is a big deal and should not be taken lightly. Everything can change in life but we can only make choices on what is today.
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 25, 2017 10:52:52 GMT
DH has an aunt and uncle with nearly identical circumstances minus the ds diagnosis and Aunt doesn't work from home. Their solution, gpa shares babysitting duties with the other grandma. I think he does 2 days a week, I wanna say m/f. He drives up the night before, stays the night, babysits, his wife drives up after work, they all have dinner together, she visits and the two of them head home. They do the same thing come the end of the week, except they are able to stay the night Friday night there together and hang out a bit Sat AM. They all love it and are super close with the kids.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 25, 2017 12:22:58 GMT
I'd wait and see. A move is a big decision. Is there any chance your DD and her DH would rather move to where you are located?
Which area offers better services? It can vary by county.
Congratulations!
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Gravity
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Post by Gravity on Aug 25, 2017 17:52:58 GMT
Congratulations on your beautiful new granddaughter!
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Post by uksue on Aug 25, 2017 18:24:21 GMT
I needed help with my youngest who is special needs at about 7 months, up until then he was like any other baby ( in other words hard work ☺) My mum used to come and stay for 1-2 weeks at a time to help . I loved it, but was also glad to get my family back to myself when she went home again . Personally I wouldn't have wanted them around the corner, as I found it easier to develop a routine for us all and stick to it .
As others have said, don't make any plans now when emotions may be running high .
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Aug 25, 2017 18:26:39 GMT
I am not sure I would leave a home and area I loved to be closer. An hour away is not very far. Perhaps your husband can help out during the week sometimes since you are still working. I would have never asked my parents to move closer. It just seems like a lot to ask someone. If you were all for it, I would say go for it. But your life will drastically change. Ditto. An hour really isn't that far. Your needs and wants count for something.
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Post by sawwhet on Aug 25, 2017 18:39:29 GMT
Congratulations on the arrival of your precious, new granddaughter. Natalie is one of my favourite names. I have no advice, I just like to hold fresh babies
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 25, 2017 19:11:36 GMT
Congratulations and welcome to Natalie!
I'm going to echo what others have said. I don't think an hour is that far away and wouldn't rush to make a move.
A friend has commented how difficult it was when her DDs were young and she was bundling 3 up to take along as her oldest (with DS) was going to various therapies. An extra pair of hands is always welcome when you have a toddler and infant, but in a few years I'm sure she will appreciate support managing some of the extra medical needs that can come with DS and have you and/or your DH help with therapy appointments or take your DGS so he isn't having to tag along.
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