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Post by myboysnme on Aug 27, 2017 23:46:26 GMT
Ok, well, I know that when all the peas agree, that means only one thing for me to do and that is to tell her I can't do this right now, as much as I want to help her. I haven't committed to her as it is, I just said, "Let's think about this and talk later, and know that I am going to be moving" I did write her an email with some questions and concerns and again, said we can talk about it. I don't know why she wouldn't want to move to where her daughter and grand children are. I wouldn't feel terrible telling her no since I know she has family to go to. Yeah, you guys are right. Thank you for helping me to see it. I'll just keep muddling on packing my boxes and next week, I am making the phone calls to get the landscaper in here to do the front and back landscaping for me. Its too darned hot for me to do it, even though I love working in the yards. I am so proud of you, even though I don't know you. I felt sure you were going to go ahead and have her move in even after asking the peas and getting a unanimous and resounding "NO." Look at every one of these requests as road blocks and obstacles that you have to go around, up, over or under but absolutely do not stay stuck. You are on a forward moving trajectory and it's time to enjoy the ride. The next time you consider opening your home to someone, make sure it is someone who doesn't need anything from you, but rather gives to you not takes. |
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,179 
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 27, 2017 23:48:42 GMT
She thinks that even if he passes next month, it would be 3 months before she needed to move out of her place. 3 months is a ridiculously long time for government housing. My cousin just died and the family was given 2 weeks to have everything moved out, per HUD. I've heard of situations just like this, with a very short time frame for being out of the housing. I hope she isn't counting on as long as three months. |
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Post by christine58 on Aug 27, 2017 23:49:34 GMT
Lexica her CC will NOT be wiped out. The laws changed a few years ago. Really? I don't know anything about bankruptcy and I hope that I never need to. I don't know what her finances are, this was just what she said. And everyone is right. Why do I feel like I need to help everyone? I need to think of me and my best interests. Wow, I remember telling my son to do the same thing when I felt people were taking advantage of him. Guess he learned it from me? Yikes. My friend learned the hard way. She had to pay a lot of it back, granted not the entire amount but she thought it would be Zero... You have a kind heart and that's why you want to help her. THE only way to even think about doing this is to write it all down and have her sign it. I don't think she is trying to take advantage at all. I think she just reached out to you and probably didn't even think it out. |
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Post by Really Red on Aug 27, 2017 23:50:34 GMT
I hate to be in disagreement when all the Peas are in agreement, but I would do it. Just because one renter was a nightmare doesn't mean the next one will be. Lexica you have time! You don't have to be anywhere and you want to be in good financial position. Since you have the time to fix up your house, you can get more for it. I don't think that is wrong at all. I think that is a sound decision. As for this woman, she sounds like a very good person. Anyone who has done all that for her brother is a pretty selfless person. If you have worries, I'd just tell her upfront. Say what happened to you, exactly what you expect out of her and give her a time limit. Tell her (for example), let's do 90 days and see what happens. I can't promise any more than that and am a bit nervous because of my bad experience, but I'd like for it to work out. This could be a gift for you. It may not, but I cannot see the bad. If she turns out to be someone who's not great, well, then you tried and now you know that you just can't do it again. But what if she turns out to be exactly what you think she's going to be? How great will that be? She's not going to murder you! This could be something incredible. I say give it a chance (with clear rules upfront). |
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Post by papersilly on Aug 27, 2017 23:59:52 GMT
i mean this is the nicest way but....nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! you just got the last person out. you finally have peace and relief. don't get caught up in the madness of a boarder/tenant/guest/in-house companion. don't do it. if you want to have her company, do so without moving her in. remember, things are always good when they are good but when things get bad, they can be so terrible!!! any friendship can turn and go south. we always hope they won't but stress, grief and other life circumstances can change the dynamics of your relationship and make it worse if she is IN YOUR HOME. you can be a good friends without both of you being in the same house. like i said, i mean this in the nicest way but seriously, noooooooooooooo, don't do it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 21:40:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2017 0:00:21 GMT
You're letting your heart rule you head and that's never a good idea. I'm going to be very blunt now but saying it with concern
Unless I've misunderstood and that you see her very frequently since you gave up work you really don't know this woman that well to open up your home to her.You have no idea what she's really like on a day to day basis.
Please don't do it, there are far too many negatives to even consider it. Move as you were planning to do and look after yourself.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 28, 2017 0:00:30 GMT
wait, just one more thing-----noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Post by christine58 on Aug 28, 2017 0:02:05 GMT
Tell her (for example), let's do 90 days and see what happens. I can't promise any more than that and am a bit nervous because of my bad experience, but I'd like for it to work out. That's not a bad idea. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 28, 2017 0:24:20 GMT
This screams horrible ending.
Lexica, you are kind and she is desperate. That's a bad combo. She doesn't have two nickels to rub together and you're not responsible for her well being. She can't afford rent, food, utilities, outings and you've already raised your kids. You can be a good friend to her in other ways. Take her hand and let her cry on your shoulder about her brother and her worries then tell her that you're here to listen and go home alone. You have a clear plan to move. Focus on that plan and don't let anything distract you from that goal. She has family to help her and you cannot be the one to help her land on her feet. She may not do so, anyway. Be a best friend to yourself and don't let anyone keep you from your move. Everything you do right now should be about moving to Oregon. You don't need a human puppy to follow you there.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 21:40:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2017 0:44:36 GMT
Listen to the peas who are saying NO!
Why are you even bothering with unpacking? Leave it all in boxes , do what you need to and then do what you want to.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,045
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Post by artbabe on Aug 28, 2017 0:51:51 GMT
My house needed a lot of work so I kept putting off selling it. My realtor suggested I put it on the market "as is". It sold in two weeks and I got asking price. You might not need to do all that stuff to it.
And no, don't take her in. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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Post by silverlining on Aug 28, 2017 1:16:22 GMT
I would put the house on the market "as is" since the projects you described are pretty minor. I'm kind of surprised that your agent didn't suggest that as one possible option. Summer and early fall are often great times to sell. And, when you're in a seller's market, as most of Southern CA is, buyers know they need to look past some stacks of boxes, or a door that needs to be painted, if they want to live in a certain location.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 28, 2017 1:23:20 GMT
The next time you consider opening your home to someone, make sure it is someone who doesn't need anything from you, but rather gives to you not takes. I like this quite a bit. I guess I am somewhat used to being the giver having taken care of my mom for the last few years. I enjoyed every minute of it though. I don't think my friend would be anywhere near as frustrating as my previous renter, but I do not have the finances to take care of her needs. When I sent her the email, I did ask about her finances because of her remark about bankruptcy. I stated that I could not take on anyone that could not fend for themselves as far as necessities go, especially right now. I haven't heard back from her and I haven't sent another one telling her that I just don't think I can do this. |
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Aug 28, 2017 1:24:59 GMT
Lexica, your have a huge heart and the ability to see good where many others would run away screaming. You are giving and gracious. However, there are seasons in life when it's ok to put yourself and your needs first. You're in one of those seasons now. Please don't take on an unknown during this time of change for you. You have your own to figure out and can't take on someone else with their own baggage to sort. You need to be able to get your house on the market and get to moving to Oregon. You need to shop for the perfect home for yourself without having to consider the what-if needs of someone else.
Your friend has so much to sort. She needs to grieve her loss. She needs to figure out her finances and her future. It's hard to say how quickly she'll get on those finances while she's in the early stages of grief. Those are things she also needs to discuss with her family. If she isn't in good shape financially, she needs to discuss day to day living along with her plan for aging and the care that comes with that. She may have to move near her family for logistical reasons. What if her bankruptcy takes ages? What if she has no funds for her long term care? Before your friend is roommate material, she has some things to sort out. It's wonderful that you've had a long friendship, but living together is a completely different animal. What if you let her move in, realize that her home personality is very different from her public one, and you have to ask her to leave? What if she refuses because she has nowhere to go and you have a whole eviction mess to go through before or while you sell the house? What is she comes with a metric butt ton of personal belongings from her brother and herself, needs a place to store all that, can't afford a storage locker and completely takes over your house with boxes? You're back to being unable to list the house.
Bottom line -- you have enough of your own complications to deal with and don't need to welcome a whole extra set of complications into your world right now. Get your world sorted, then go back to being sweet, giving you.
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Post by summer on Aug 28, 2017 1:29:13 GMT
Yes you are making a huge mistake! Do not let someone who is going bankrupt and can't afford rent move in with you! You will have a hard time getting them out! You just got rid of a problem tenant. Don't repeat your mistake. Sell the house, move and do not take extra people with you!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 21:40:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2017 1:31:42 GMT
Listen to the peas who are saying NO!
Why are you even bothering with unpacking? Leave it all in boxes , do what you need to and then do what you want to.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 28, 2017 1:37:48 GMT
You are kind and generous to consider helping her, but she sounds more like an acquaintance than a friend and that would give me pause. You say you don't have any money to support her, but she is looking to you for her biggest expense: shelter. She is also willing to move to an area (Oregon) that it sounds like she has no connection to, only because you can provide her shelter. Red flags are flying everywhere for me, Lexica. I'm surprised she isn't more interested in a trip to see her DD and grandkids and wonder if there is more to that story. |
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Aug 28, 2017 3:08:05 GMT
I'll read between the lines a little for you. When she says she lost her job, it means she has no money. She even said she has no money. When she says she's filing for bankruptcy without mention of crippling medical debt or a failed business, it means she's bad with money and makes poor choices.
When she says "place to stay" instead of place to rent, she does not plan to treat this responsibly and plans to use you. When she says her relatives are her last choice, it means she doesn't want to use them like she wants to use you. A huge clue is her comment that she hates the area. Well who said the area is permanent unless you plan to hunker down and leech for the long haul? Either that or she's hiding something like alcoholism or an addiction. She isn't trying to get on her feet, which 90 days is plenty of time because she wants to latch on and even follow you to Oregon.
A million red flags, yes you'd be crazy to say yes.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 28, 2017 3:13:55 GMT
IF you do it. Get everything in writing. The amount of rent, percentage of utilities, who gets what fridge space and how long it will go on.
You can change it later.
Are you lonely?
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 28, 2017 3:17:48 GMT
Tell her (for example), let's do 90 days and see what happens. I can't promise any more than that and am a bit nervous because of my bad experience, but I'd like for it to work out. That's not a bad idea. It's a terrible idea! This woman has said she has nowhere to go and no money. If it doesn't work after 90 days, how will Lexica get her out?!?!? Also agree with the person who said it would make the house hard to sell as well if this person could be considered a tenant. |
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artsydaisy
Full Member
Posts: 464
Jul 1, 2014 4:55:48 GMT
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Post by artsydaisy on Aug 28, 2017 3:54:56 GMT
It's a terrible idea! This woman has said she has nowhere to go and no money. If it doesn't work after 90 days, how will Lexica get her out?!?!? Also agree with the person who said it would make the house hard to sell as well if this person could be considered a tenant. Sorry, it IS a terrible idea. If you are in California, and I think someone said you were, the laws heavily favor tenants and even squatters. Please do not do this. And do not even have her as a guest in your house, because if she becomes a guest and then an extended guest, I think she will have tenant's rights. I am not a lawyer. Consult a lawyer if you are even thinking about this at all. But please just say no to her! No discussion, just "I've thought about it, and I can't do this. I wish you luck." |
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Post by anniefb on Aug 28, 2017 6:20:15 GMT
Yep I agree it's a bad idea. You're trying to sell your house and move and she has no money. Viewing appointments and open homes? It's hard keeping your own stuff straight without worrying about what someone else will do.
I would seriously forget the list from the agent and just put the house on the market. As others have said, potential buyers always want to try to reduce the price anyway. I would clean and get it presentable looking and declutter. Don't spend money you might not get back anyway.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
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Post by kibblesandbits on Aug 28, 2017 11:19:19 GMT
I can't imagine why you are still dithering around trying to get your house sold. Sounds like you don't really want to move forward at all, especially since you're entertaining taking in yet another freeloader that you barely know. Martyr syndrome? Savior syndrome? Hard to tell what's going on here. You SAY you want to get moved, but what you DO is defer, excuse, and deflect.
Decide what you want to do, then do it. If you choose to take this person in, understand that the decision will further push out your deadline to move. If what you really want to do is move, quit farking around with packing, unpacking, painting a silly door, curating the landscape, etc., and MOVE.
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Post by peace on Aug 28, 2017 13:37:31 GMT
The next time you consider opening your home to someone, make sure it is someone who doesn't need anything from you, but rather gives to you not takes. I like this quite a bit. I guess I am somewhat used to being the giver having taken care of my mom for the last few years. I enjoyed every minute of it though. I don't think my friend would be anywhere near as frustrating as my previous renter, but I do not have the finances to take care of her needs. When I sent her the email, I did ask about her finances because of her remark about bankruptcy. I stated that I could not take on anyone that could not fend for themselves as far as necessities go, especially right now. I haven't heard back from her and I haven't sent another one telling her that I just don't think I can do this. You are so very kind. And while logically I am in agreement with everyone particularly due to your previous experience, I would probably do it. Only because from what you said you don't have the same reservations as the last one and you are moving. I guess I would want a few more answers first. Just be careful because there are many more takers than givers. Good luck with this-- SaveSave |
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 28, 2017 14:21:54 GMT
Really? I don't know anything about bankruptcy and I hope that I never need to. I don't know what her finances are, this was just what she said. And everyone is right. Why do I feel like I need to help everyone? I need to think of me and my best interests. Wow, I remember telling my son to do the same thing when I felt people were taking advantage of him. Guess he learned it from me? Yikes. My friend learned the hard way. She had to pay a lot of it back, granted not the entire amount but she thought it would be Zero... You have a kind heart and that's why you want to help her. THE only way to even think about doing this is to write it all down and have her sign it. I don't think she is trying to take advantage at all. I think she just reached out to you and probably didn't even think it out. This depends on the chapter. Chapter 13 you do have to pay a portion back. Chapter 7, you do not have to pay any back. The Chapter is decided by certain asset criteria. It is not very hard to fall within Chapter 7, likely that is where she is falling. |
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Aug 28, 2017 14:42:17 GMT
No, don't do it! Yet another pea chiming in with the rest. Don't let her move in on a trial basis or any other basis. Just don't. You don't know her or her situation well enough and the little bit you do know and have shared here sends up a lot of red flags! I know she has a reason for her bankruptcy but that's a big red flag there. Not having any money would suggest that she's looking for someone (with a big, kind heart) to freeload off of. Don't take her in, not even for a day.
I agree with a few others, put your house on the market as is and see what happens. If you don't get an offer or you get a low offer then you'll know you have more work to do and then you can relist it.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Aug 28, 2017 14:45:34 GMT
Ask yourself why this woman -- who you really do NOT know -- is asking YOU for help. Why doesn't she have anyone else closer to her -- who can help her?
Usually when someone is asking for help from another person they don't know well it's because they've burned bridges with everyone else. The person they are asking is outside the immediate circle and doesn't know the real history. The person gets sucked in and becomes yet another burned bridge.
Seems to me you've already been burned before. For godssakes, stop putting your hand in the fire.
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Post by Tammiem2pnc1 on Aug 28, 2017 15:47:53 GMT
What is your gut telling you about this situation? If you feel comfortable, I don't see why shouldn't do it if you want to. If you don't really have a great gut feeling about it, but are doing it because you feel bad then back away and stay there. Our neighbor rents out a room in her townhouse and really never had a problem with any of her tenants. Actually they usually leave because she treats them like a live in servant. But all have been really great overall.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 28, 2017 15:51:08 GMT
ITA to list as-is and see if you get a good price. You don't have to accept offers. If it's proving to be too low then take the house off of the market and attack your list. Go to Oregon asap. It's what you want. Why are you putting it off?
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Post by Lexica on Aug 28, 2017 16:07:02 GMT
I don't understand why everyone seems to think I am dragging my feet on my move. I know what I'm doing; I have a plan. Granted the damned leak set me back quite a few months, but I fully intend to move on MY time schedule. I am going to be getting as much money from this house as possible, without me doing any major projects. My projects now are small and since I don't have to be moved according to anyone else's schedule, I'm going to do this when convenient for me.
I've discussed this with my agent, and he is fine with it. He has also said that if I change my mind and want to just pull up stakes tomorrow, he would have a buyer to buy it as an investment. I absolutely do not want to do that. And I don't need to do that. I am not in a rush to get relocated. I think next spring would be perfect, so that is my focus. Plus, I'm totally enjoying having lunch with my son every week. He is moving out of California next summer, and I'm loving our times together before we both leave the state. I will be moving before he is. I don't know how often we will be able to get together after we both relocate.
I have a pool, and pool homes in Southern California sell best right before and during the summer. This is a family neighborhood, so I anticipate people making a move during the summer when their kids are off school. And I really don't want to have to move up to Oregon in the winter. So with a little bit of money and a little bit of effort, I will be making this move on my schedule. Okay?
UPDATE:
So while some of you were wrong about my move, you were dead on regarding this friend's potentially using me. I had sent off another email yesterday morning asking her to tell me more about her financial situation and what she was anticipating that I would be paying for. I also asked her to be more specific on another comment she made regarding back problems and not having cleaned her place in ages. I understand not keeping up on everything with her brother possibly dying, but as a whole, is she content to live in a messy home? That is a deal breaker for me, especially now. Was she expecting me to do her cleaning in addition to my own? I honestly didn't think she meant that, but I had sent that email after thinking about what she said when I was in the shower. Ido some of my best thinking in the shower, and I wanted to get clarification on those things. This was before I was shown the light here and made the decision not to go through with it.
Well, she sent back an email that was quite obviously irritated with me and said never mind, she is going to pass. So, obviously my inquiring made it obvious that if that was her intention, it wasn't going to work for me. I am bothered by the cleaning comment she made, especially since she knows I have chronic pain from a spinal surgery. Why would her back pain trump my pain issues and nominate me to clean up after her? No f'ing way! That must have been her intention or she wouldn't have backed off so quickly when I asked for clarification. So, with help from the peas, catastrophe averted and I don't have to find a way to phrase it nicely.
So, thank you, peas! I am really glad that you guys opened my eyes to the potential issues and talked me off the ledge.
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