LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Aug 28, 2017 16:16:12 GMT
It is tough love around here SaveSave I'm glad you dodged a bullet. Keep taking good care of yourself.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 28, 2017 16:18:44 GMT
So, thank you, peas! I am really glad that you guys opened my eyes to the potential issues and talked me off the ledge. That's what we're here for~~
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Aug 28, 2017 16:33:20 GMT
The fact that she got irritated when all you asked for was clarification is another huge red flag. It is completely reasonable and normal to ask those questions to anyone who may live with you.
You dodged a bullet.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 28, 2017 16:34:09 GMT
I'm glad she was the one who had to say no first. Now you don't have to. Enjoy the rest of your time in your home.
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Post by roberta on Aug 28, 2017 16:42:26 GMT
Glad to hear you decided against this. Living with anyone (even someone you love!) is difficult.
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Aug 28, 2017 16:45:05 GMT
Well, someone's true colors came shining through, didn't they? Her response is just one big warning sign that she was preparing to move in with you and be the biggest leech on the block. That's unfortunate, but I'm glad you found out now.
Lexica, just be prepared that this may not be quite over for her. Desperation may cause her to reach out to you again after her brother passes and she's dealing with a short window to move. If she asks again, a simple "That doesn't work for me." is a soft no that will keep you out of trouble and her out of your house. Don't feel like you have to explain it any further than that. It just doesn't work. That's all.
Have you heard anything on your former tenant? Does he cruise around the 'hood in a tin foil hat or anything these days?
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,646
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Aug 28, 2017 16:57:56 GMT
I'm glad you dodged that bullet!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 28, 2017 17:00:56 GMT
I don't understand why everyone seems to think I am dragging my feet on my move. I know what I'm doing; I have a plan. Granted the damned leak set me back quite a few months, but I fully intend to move on MY time schedule. I am going to be getting as much money from this house as possible, without me doing any major projects. My projects now are small and since I don't have to be moved according to anyone else's schedule, I'm going to do this when convenient for me. I've discussed this with my agent, and he is fine with it. He has also said that if I change my mind and want to just pull up stakes tomorrow, he would have a buyer to buy it as an investment. I absolutely do not want to do that. And I don't need to do that. I am not in a rush to get relocated. I think next spring would be perfect, so that is my focus. Plus, I'm totally enjoying having lunch with my son every week. He is moving out of California next summer, and I'm loving our times together before we both leave the state. I will be moving before he is. I don't know how often we will be able to get together after we both relocate. I have a pool, and pool homes in Southern California sell best right before and during the summer. This is a family neighborhood, so I anticipate people making a move during the summer when their kids are off school. And I really don't want to have to move up to Oregon in the winter. So with a little bit of money and a little bit of effort, I will be making this move on my schedule. Okay? UPDATE: So while some of you were wrong about my move, you were dead on regarding this friend's potentially using me. I had sent off another email yesterday morning asking her to tell me more about her financial situation and what she was anticipating that I would be paying for. I also asked her to be more specific on another comment she made regarding back problems and not having cleaned her place in ages. I understand not keeping up on everything with her brother possibly dying, but as a whole, is she content to live in a messy home? That is a deal breaker for me, especially now. Was she expecting me to do her cleaning in addition to my own? I honestly didn't think she meant that, but I had sent that email after thinking about what she said when I was in the shower. Ido some of my best thinking in the shower, and I wanted to get clarification on those things. This was before I was shown the light here and made the decision not to go through with it. Well, she sent back an email that was quite obviously irritated with me and said never mind, she is going to pass. So, obviously my inquiring made it obvious that if that was her intention, it wasn't going to work for me. I am bothered by the cleaning comment she made, especially since she knows I have chronic pain from a spinal surgery. Why would her back pain trump my pain issues and nominate me to clean up after her? No f'ing way! That must have been her intention or she wouldn't have backed off so quickly when I asked for clarification. So, with help from the peas, catastrophe averted and I don't have to find a way to phrase it nicely. So, thank you, peas! I am really glad that you guys opened my eyes to the potential issues and talked me off the ledge. I'm so glad you made the best decision for you.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 28, 2017 17:09:48 GMT
So, thank you, peas! I am really glad that you guys opened my eyes to the potential issues and talked me off the ledge. more important, i think SHE opened your eyes to the potential issues with the comments she made. i'm glad your head is clear on this and you are avoiding a bad situation.
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Post by salem on Aug 28, 2017 17:13:36 GMT
Wow! I'm glad you asked those questions of her now.
Your timetable sounds good, and since you can afford to stick to it, let it play out.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,181
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Aug 28, 2017 17:17:59 GMT
UPDATE: So while some of you were wrong about my move, you were dead on regarding this friend's potentially using me. I had sent off another email yesterday morning asking her to tell me more about her financial situation and what she was anticipating that I would be paying for. I also asked her to be more specific on another comment she made regarding back problems and not having cleaned her place in ages. I understand not keeping up on everything with her brother possibly dying, but as a whole, is she content to live in a messy home? That is a deal breaker for me, especially now. Was she expecting me to do her cleaning in addition to my own? I honestly didn't think she meant that, but I had sent that email after thinking about what she said when I was in the shower. Ido some of my best thinking in the shower, and I wanted to get clarification on those things. This was before I was shown the light here and made the decision not to go through with it. Well, she sent back an email that was quite obviously irritated with me and said never mind, she is going to pass. So, obviously my inquiring made it obvious that if that was her intention, it wasn't going to work for me. I am bothered by the cleaning comment she made, especially since she knows I have chronic pain from a spinal surgery. Why would her back pain trump my pain issues and nominate me to clean up after her? No f'ing way! That must have been her intention or she wouldn't have backed off so quickly when I asked for clarification. So, with help from the peas, catastrophe averted and I don't have to find a way to phrase it nicely. So, thank you, peas! I am really glad that you guys opened my eyes to the potential issues and talked me off the ledge. The bolded part made me laugh. It makes it sound as though you're begging her to move in, rather than the exact opposite!
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Post by quinlove on Aug 28, 2017 17:25:58 GMT
Lexica, you're doing everything absolutely correct. You asked the Peas about the lady possibly moving in and they are all in agreement that it was not a wise idea. You saw that situation through different eyes, and agreed that you shouldn't go through with it. Emailing her confirmed it.
You know what is best for you regarding the sale of your house and this big move. Well done my dear. 😊
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Post by auroraborealis on Aug 28, 2017 17:41:14 GMT
I'm so glad to hear your update! Definitely NO NO NO on having her move to your house.
And really, it is a kindness to her to NOT have something "easy" lined up when her brother passes. Assumming she may have family come out for the service and to follow up on her, that is the time her family will be asking what she is going to do now, figure out if she can do it, etc. If she had an easy answer like "oh, don't worry I have a roommate lined up, I am all taken care of" her family will just go back home thinking that is that. She will need to have those painful discussions with family about her next steps. Having a roommate plan in place is her way of getting out of that, and finding someone else to be providing/supporting her. She may not want to move where family is, but they will have to all figure that out together. She needs to address her financial and living situation head on and not put on another band aid. You don't want to be her excuse to make another bad decision. And you need to be roommate-free so you can sell your home, when you're ready!
So glad you were able to address this quickly, and I am actually thankful she showed some of her true colors so you could get a glimpse at them. Do be prepared to have to say no again.
Best wishes on your house sale, move when you are ready!
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 28, 2017 17:49:27 GMT
said never mind, she is going to pass. Well, isn't that special. She passed on an offer you never made.
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 28, 2017 18:59:43 GMT
You are 100% correct about selling your house. You are making the right decisions.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 28, 2017 20:14:58 GMT
said never mind, she is going to pass. Well, isn't that special. She passed on an offer you never made. I know! That made me laugh too. I am giving her the benefit of the fact that she is exhausted and so very worried about her brother that she isn't behaving in her usual manner. I probably won't have more than an email or phone call relationship with her, which is pretty much what we did after she was laid off where we worked. She lives way too far from me for a lunch get together. She really is a very giving lady and she adores her younger brother so much. She has devoted herself to his care for a very long time. It seems a shame that he could lose his life to this, after all the many many surgeries he has been through for so many years. They rebuilt his whole face since so much was destroyed in the fire. I really don't understand her not wanting to move in with her daughter. This is a daughter she only found recently. She had her very young and was forced by her mother to give her up. They found each other a few years ago and get together once in a while. Living at her daughter's home would let them spend so much time together and she has grandchildren too. I would choose that over living with me!
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Post by anniefb on Aug 28, 2017 20:18:58 GMT
Definitely sounds like you dodged the bullet on that one.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Aug 28, 2017 20:28:12 GMT
I hadn't posted on this thread earlier because I honestly didn't know what to think. Not knowing how tenancy rules & such work where you live, I wasn't sure what recourse you'd have if things went badly. So I'm glad you asked the right questions of her, which allowed you to confirm that moving in together wasn't a good plan.
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Post by ceepea on Aug 28, 2017 22:16:11 GMT
Wow I just read this thread and the same thing jumped out at me. She is "going to pass" on an offer that was never made! Lol! Well good, that saves you the trouble of finding a way to say no. I also agree that she might come back to you after his passing when she has no where else to go. Just remember this post to help you stay strong. You have to take care of yourself right now.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,709
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Aug 28, 2017 22:29:07 GMT
Well, isn't that special. She passed on an offer you never made. I really don't understand her not wanting to move in with her daughter. This is a daughter she only found recently. She had her very young and was forced by her mother to give her up. They found each other a few years ago and get together once in a while. Living at her daughter's home would let them spend so much time together and she has grandchildren too. I would choose that over living with me! Maybe she doesn't know her daughter very well. Sometimes it is better in family relationships, not to be too close, physically, together. Perhaps the daughter doesn't want her new-found mom to live with her. Your plans to move next year makes a lot of sense. Do not be "voluntold" by anyone else. Just say that you are fine by yourself and have no rooms to rent. StephDRebel said the word "voluntold" as a combination of volunteer and being told what to do in a thread awhile ago. A good word! Thanks @stephdrebel for this word.
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 28, 2017 23:17:53 GMT
I am bothered by the cleaning comment she made, especially since she knows I have chronic pain from a spinal surgery. Why would her back pain trump my pain issues and nominate me to clean up after her? No f'ing way! You don't know how right you are with this! I go to a crop monthly where we have to put up the tables and chairs afterward. A 70 year old woman who had double knee replacement this year and has been hospitalized twice this year - she puts the tables down for us to use in the first place. At the end there is an 80 year old, a 65 year old with so many health problems it isn't funny, me and another friend who had shoulder surgery this year. You would not believe the people who just leave us to put up their tables and chairs because they 'can't.' Like their pain and problems totally trump any of ours. It makes me furious! Believe me when I again congratulate you on dodging that bullet because there are people who have no shame when it comes to making someone else do what they themselves will not.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 17:58:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2017 1:34:26 GMT
Can your son move in with you?
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Post by Lexica on Aug 29, 2017 1:43:15 GMT
Can your son move in with you? Do you mean in my house in California now, or when I move? Either way, not really. He and his fiancé live in a nearby city here in California now. They are considering moving to Arizona next year. They are willing to look at wherever I end up in Oregon, but my son's fiancé can't handle cold weather at all. She is afraid she would be miserable on cold rainy days. I hate the heat, so I'm not interested in where they are looking in Arizona.
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Post by destined2bmom on Aug 29, 2017 20:10:18 GMT
Lexica, good for you, to figure this all out. It is one thing to be a good friend, but another to take on someone's problems.
Keeping a house clean to sell and moving is stressful enough; but if you had added her and her problems to the mix, you would have lost your mind.
Just keep your your eye on the prize of a new house and life in Oregon, each time you talk with her. Sympathize, but don't give in.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 17:58:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2017 20:28:52 GMT
I'm glad it all turned out the way it has. I also had a laugh about the "never mind, I'll pass" comment.
I hope you get all your little jobs sorted and you can make that move in your own time and it all goes well for you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 17:58:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2017 21:50:22 GMT
Can your son move in with you? Do you mean in my house in California now, or when I move? Either way, not really. He and his fiancé live in a nearby city here in California now. They are considering moving to Arizona next year. They are willing to look at wherever I end up in Oregon, but my son's fiancé can't handle cold weather at all. She is afraid she would be miserable on cold rainy days. I hate the heat, so I'm not interested in where they are looking in Arizona. What area are you looking at?
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Post by Lexica on Aug 29, 2017 22:38:30 GMT
Do you mean in my house in California now, or when I move? Either way, not really. He and his fiancé live in a nearby city here in California now. They are considering moving to Arizona next year. They are willing to look at wherever I end up in Oregon, but my son's fiancé can't handle cold weather at all. She is afraid she would be miserable on cold rainy days. I hate the heat, so I'm not interested in where they are looking in Arizona. What area are you looking at? I am looking at Oregon. I am in love with cooler weather, trees, hiking, and waterfalls galore. I saw a bit of that on one of my Oregon trips and it is really compelling for me. Plus, the housing prices are a heck of a lot more reasonable than Orange County California's prices. The cheapest thing in my city right now is a very small 600 s.f. condo, one bedroom, one bath, built in 1981 and right across from the cemetery for $300,000. I could purchase a free-standing 3/2 or larger home on 1/2 acre or more in Oregon for that. There are some mobile homes, one area is pretty nice that are selling for around $100,000, but the spot rental is $1,000 per month on those places. That is insane in my opinion, because they are all tightly packed in there and you get no actual planting space if you want a garden, and I do. I know there are places in Arizona where it is mountainous and snows, but that isn't where my son is interested in looking. They haven't even begun to search yet, so I don't know if that is where they will finally end up. My niece recently moved to Arizona, so her descriptions and the housing prices are appealing to them. And truthfully, I wouldn't want to live with him again. The last time is still too fresh in my mind and too painful. He was a different person then, very unhappy with his life and with a different girlfriend, but I don't want to take a chance that things could go wrong again. We are much better living in our own places and just visiting with each other once a week or so. Don't get me wrong, I adore my son, and his fiancé couldn't be a better match for him and I adore her too, but he needs his own space and so do I. They just recently got engaged and are much better on their own. He did talk to me before he bought the ring and I saw pictures of what he ended up buying her ring before he gave it to her, so he keeps me in the loop to a healthy degree. I just don't want to rock the boat, you know? He and I had some bad years in there, and now that we are on a healthier track, I wouldn't want to jeopardize that.
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