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Post by teacherlisa on Oct 17, 2017 23:11:33 GMT
So, in a way this is a spin off to the husbands who travel for work. I do feel for the OP, of course. But, I am facing the whole opposite problem. This is the first time I am asking for advice... and will probably go see a counselor at some point if i can't get this fixed on my own. My bf is a really really good guy. There is nothing wrong w/ him. I mean, he has faults like anyone else, but he really is just awesome. I was single for almost 10 years when we met...so, pretty independent and had my own life just the way I wanted it lol... he came along and we fell in love and jacked that all up  We have been dating for 2 years now,and he still wants to spend all of our free time together. I am exhausted. I enjoy time alone, and down time and time not spent caring for other people. (I was married before and raised two sons and a bunch of farm animals all by myself...its time for me lol) After my sons moved out I developed hobbies and things I enjoy doing alone. He does have hobbies also, but his work schedule is less demanding than mine is, and he works and gets his hobbies taken care of while I am working. We do not live together. Another problem,and one that presented itself this morning is, he wants to talk to me all the time. About everything. Today he talked to me for 20 minutes about why this screwdriver was the best one ever. He has a hearing loss and does not hear well and is used to having to look at people to hear them (read lips) . Therefore, if I am not looking him in the face, he believes I can not hear/am not listening. This means I can not get anything done if he is there. I have to be looking at him in the face while he talks to me about everything. Ev.ry.thing. So I feel guilty. And like the worst girlfriend on the face of the earth. A girl should be happy when her bf wants to talk to her and spend time with her. We do not argue, he is not jealous or controlling. He is not a womanizer. He is just fine. It's me. I have tried to talk to him about both of these things. and it has been unsuccessful. Any great ideas? TIA! |
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 17, 2017 23:20:15 GMT
I can't help with the boyfriend aspect, but I just finished a 3 year job coordinating parent volunteers at a HS, with 3 years before that when I wasn't in charge. People would want to talk, I would see old friends, I would need to explain the specific requirements of their task that day... but I never had time on the job to relax, as I was pulled in a thousand different directions. So I started using "Walk and Talk." I can chat all you like as I walk from one task to another, in one area or the other of the HS. Our school was huge and it would get people to talk to me while I was still getting my job done.
Maybe it's time for your own version of Walk and Talk?
Good luck!
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Post by librarylady on Oct 17, 2017 23:21:26 GMT
I think I'd talk to him about having had 10 years of time where you learned to take care of your needs and fill your time--and you rather liked it...so therefore, x amount of time is needed, by you, to take care of your needs.
That will involve being able to work on your hobby/craft WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS.
Enforce that. Don't let him in your area for whatever amount of time you need.
If it is every afternoon, then so be it.
If it is just 2 hours per day.....
Etc.
Don't feel guilty about needing your space. When you get YOUR time, the in turn is getting HIS time.
It is a time to step back and regroup and be ready to get together again.
Your problem is faced by retired couples every day of the year.
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Post by teacherlisa on Oct 17, 2017 23:22:52 GMT
I think I'd talk to him about having had 10 years of time where you learned to take care of your needs and fill your time--and you rather liked it...so therefore, x amount of time is needed, by you, to take care of your needs. That will involve being able to work on your hobby/craft WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS. Enforce that. Don't let him in your area for whatever amount of time you need. If it is every afternoon, then so be it. If it is just 2 hours per day..... Etc. Don't feel guilty about needing your space. When you get YOUR time, the in turn is getting HIS time. It is a time to step back and regroup and be ready to get together again. Your problem is faced by retired couples every day of the year. I am glad you said that because my mom said something to me similar after my dad retired...maybe i need to ask good old mom for advice too lol! |
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Post by lemondrop on Oct 17, 2017 23:31:46 GMT
I think the previous posters have some great points and advice.
I would like to gently add that if you are envisioning a future with this man, the point of dating is to see if you are a good fit, not to find a nice man and make it fit. He could be a wonderful man - for someone else.
While this may be resolvable, you may need to be with someone more independent and he may need someone needier.
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Post by teacherlisa on Oct 17, 2017 23:41:42 GMT
I think the previous posters have some great points and advice. I would like to gently add that if you are envisioning a future with this man, the point of dating is to see if you are a good fit, not to find a nice man and make it fit. He could be a wonderful man - for someone else. While this may be resolvable, you may need to be with someone more independent and he may need someone needier. lemondrop I absolutely appreciate your perspective. I am thinking along those lines at this point. I don't know yet if it is resolvable, but I had an unhappy marriage once and don't want to be unhappy again. Thanks for having the courage to post. |
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Post by lemondrop on Oct 17, 2017 23:53:08 GMT
I think the previous posters have some great points and advice. I would like to gently add that if you are envisioning a future with this man, the point of dating is to see if you are a good fit, not to find a nice man and make it fit. He could be a wonderful man - for someone else. While this may be resolvable, you may need to be with someone more independent and he may need someone needier. lemondrop I absolutely appreciate your perspective. I am thinking along those lines at this point. I don't know yet if it is resolvable, but I had an unhappy marriage once and don't want to be unhappy again. Thanks for having the courage to post. I appreciate that you took my post as I intended it! Thank you! I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 0:45:42 GMT
My husband's father is dating a very nice woman. They are in their 90s.
I asked her why she didn't move in with him.
Her answer:
I love him but at 9:00pm, I am tired of him and I can send him home, so I can have me time. Me time helps me live him more. It took me nearly all my life to figure that one out
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Oct 18, 2017 1:00:01 GMT
You almost describe my DH, who is my second husband. Super extroverted, single for a long time before we met, no kids, and boy can he talk. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and I have no complaints about anything that would fall in the "major" category. However, as an introvert, I find him exhausting sometimes. LOL The worst part was that because I have a tendency to NOT look people in the eye when they talk, especially when my brain starts to get too much stimuli at once (I have to look away in order to concentrate on the actual content), he thought I wasn't listening or engaged in the conversation.
Honestly, I will say that honesty is the best thing. That is what worked for me, after we had a couple of rough spots where we argued because neither of us understood the other. He knows now what some of the signals that I throw off mean, when to leave me be and not to be hurt when I say I need to take a break. I know there are times that he has to talk and hang out and just be with me, and I prepare for those times (like when he first comes home from work). We have just worked through it and learned about each other, and learned to respect each other's needs.
My advice is to simply talk to him.
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Post by teacherlisa on Oct 18, 2017 1:19:55 GMT
You almost describe my DH, who is my second husband. Super extroverted, single for a long time before we met, no kids, and boy can he talk. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and I have no complaints about anything that would fall in the "major" category. However, as an introvert, I find him exhausting sometimes. LOL The worst part was that because I have a tendency to NOT look people in the eye when they talk, especially when my brain starts to get too much stimuli at once (I have to look away in order to concentrate on the actual content), he thought I wasn't listening or engaged in the conversation. Honestly, I will say that honesty is the best thing. That is what worked for me, after we had a couple of rough spots where we argued because neither of us understood the other. He knows now what some of the signals that I throw off mean, when to leave me be and not to be hurt when I say I need to take a break. I know there are times that he has to talk and hang out and just be with me, and I prepare for those times (like when he first comes home from work). We have just worked through it and learned about each other, and learned to respect each other's needs. My advice is to simply talk to him. thanks! I am an introvert too...and get the same feelings of being overwhelmed sometimes. Todays talk about the screwdriver i thought I was going to loose my mind lol...i was just trying to wash the dishes for crying out loud |
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Post by kimmie75 on Oct 18, 2017 1:33:30 GMT
I am an introvert and it was not until I was in my 40's did I really understand how much it affected me, my relationships and the happiness of both myself and those around me. They say opposites attract. All my best friends, my ex husband and current boyfriend are big time Extroverts. I have spent a lot of time trying to educate my boyfriend about what it means for him to be an Extrovert and for me to be an Introvert. Trying to recognize what brings each of us energy and recognize when the other one needs to stay home, or go out. This past weekend we stayed home one day which was heaven for me...but I knew from experience if I did not get up very early the next morning, get ready and be dressed and able to walk out the door with him for breakfast and a full day "out" that he would become a grumpy man by 8 am. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. I try to manage it as much as I can, but it takes an effort to "think" through the lens of an Extrovert. I know if I plan ahead to be "spontaneous" with going out for the day, it helps me...even if he has no clue. Another day this week he went out for a few hours in the afternoon, and I was so happy to be home alone for a bit. I framed it as I had some stuff to get done, which for him is more understandable than I just want to "stay home" for peace and quiet to regain my energy. He can't understand that language, no matter how many times I explain the needs of an Introvert. If talking about it doesn't work, then a little creative redirection can help. Think about how you can give him a little nudge..maybe suggest he calls a buddy to discuss upcoming activity..etc. Maybe re framing the way you get him involved in something else temporarily when you need some time to yourself.
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Post by chlerbie on Oct 18, 2017 2:15:12 GMT
We run a business together at home. So we are together A LOT. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. He's super chatty and well...noisy all of the time. I crave silence. It was tough at first, but we figured out that we both needed different things and how to best be able to do that. He makes sure to give me time alone and while sometimes I feel like I need more, I appreciate it when I get it and am better able to listen, talk and be out and about with him. He also understands that I don't enjoy going out all of the time, so will go on his own sometimes, but I make sure to join him sometimes,too. If you've already had a conversation about it and you value the relationship, I'd suggest trying it again and making him understand how and why this is important to you, and ways that you can both compromise.
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Post by teacherlisa on Oct 18, 2017 2:19:05 GMT
I truly want to thank each and everyone who took the time and courage to post here. I'm feeling a bit better... I was feeling very guilty and like a bad person for how I have been feeling. I am also thankful that no one said "off with his head-kick him to the curb" lol... while we may end up not being right for eachother, I am feeling better for sure and going to try some of the things suggested.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 2:20:40 GMT
I know exactly what you mean. I'm retired and If my dh ever retires, I don't know what I'll do.
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Post by anonrefugee on Oct 18, 2017 2:23:14 GMT
"You get what you pray for" is the applicable cliche here, or maybe "the grass is greener...". When DH and I both travelled I wished for more time together. Now we're both working locally----
It would be nice to have a weekend off!
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Post by librarylady on Oct 18, 2017 2:56:04 GMT
One woman I know said her parent's home was constructed with a bedroom on each end of the house.
One was his, one was hers. Her mother said the only way the marriage worked was for each to have their space and lots of space in between. My friend was contemplating marriage to the man who lived next door. She was 62 and had never been married. I suggested if she married him, to make him keep his home, she keep hers and then spend good time together and then each have a place to retreat and regroup.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Oct 18, 2017 3:26:33 GMT
Has he considered trying hearing aids?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 3:38:30 GMT
So my perfect husband jabbers about his work. OMG I COULD STICK AN ICE PICK IN MY EAR. Please shut the f up.
seriously
I pretend to listen. Which I shouldn't because sometimes there is a quiz at the end off the jabber. Or a full blown test the next day.
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Post by craftedbys on Oct 18, 2017 3:43:26 GMT
I agree with the posters who say talk to him. One thing I have learned in 30 years together is that men aren't mind readers. Spell it out clearly, using small words if you have to, exactly what your needs are. If he is a "fixer" if you say that you need some down time each day, he might work on a solution to make sure you get it.
As for the talking for 20 minutes about a screwdriver, many chatty people get in the zone and don't realize they are rambling.
My DH and both kids are like this and we have a signal for when someone starts droning on and on. After they have talked about a subject for as long as the other person can stand, the listener can wave their hand in front of their eyes, meaning their eyes have glazed over and they have stopped listening.
Be honest and open with your needs in the front end and you might be surprised how understanding he is.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 3:45:29 GMT
Since you've told him how you've felt before and that hasn't worked, then you need to be more direct. I see nothing wrong with gently telling him no more talking about the screwdriver, that you want to see him two hours later the next day so you can work on your hobby, or that it's time for a hearing aid because the shouting is giving you a headache.
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Post by femalebusiness on Oct 18, 2017 4:11:26 GMT
So my perfect husband jabbers about his work. OMG I COULD STICK AN ICE PICK IN MY EAR. Please shut the f up. seriously I pretend to listen. Which I shouldn't because sometimes there is a quiz at the end off the jabber. Or a full blown test the next day. I just belly laughed out loud when I read this. Mine does the same thing only he is either telling me in great detail about some tool he is going to make or every scene of some movie or show he has seen. He also doesn't care if I have seen the movie, he still wants to tell me everything that happened in it. I always tell him it's a good thing he is cute or I'd never put up with it. I then threaten to make him listen to generations of my family genealogy if he doesn't shut up. That usually works. |
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Post by teacherlisa on Oct 18, 2017 4:12:24 GMT
Has he considered trying hearing aids? he is currently being stubborn about that ;/ |
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Post by smokeynspike on Oct 18, 2017 5:48:10 GMT
To me, it just sounds like you need to communicate some better boundaries and then stick with them! If he is otherwise a great guy, I wouldn't end a 2 year relationship with him over this, especially if you don't live together and *have* to be together because you live together.
Melissa
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Post by KelleeM on Oct 18, 2017 8:45:23 GMT
I wish I knew what to tell you.
My dh was living with his elderly mother after ending a marriage when I met him. We saw each other twice a week and chatted on the phone for 10 minutes a couple times a day. When we moved in together he was still working and our schedules were similar except he worked weekend mornings giving me time alone which I needed. Well, he retired two days before our wedding (almost 5 years ago) and now he wants to spend every minute I’m not working with me! It sometimes makes me crazy. I scheduled a Friday off work in July to go to the beach alone. He does not enjoy the beach one tiny bit but was genuinely hurt when I shared my plans. He ended up going with me and it was okay but we arrived when the sun was barely up...It just wasn’t the day I wanted. Last Friday (I get out of work at 10 am on Friday) I called him when I left work and told him I was going for coffee and would be home later. I picked up coffee at Starbucks and sat in my car for over two hours finishing a book. He really doesn’t get it at all. My situation is compounded by my adult daughter and toddler granddaughter living with us. If dh isn’t trying to talk to me my daughter is. And I have no place to be alone and comfortable except my bed! Sorry to vent on your post but I guess I needed to get that out!!
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Post by peasapie on Oct 18, 2017 9:51:29 GMT
So my perfect husband jabbers about his work. OMG I COULD STICK AN ICE PICK IN MY EAR. Please shut the f up. seriously I pretend to listen. Which I shouldn't because sometimes there is a quiz at the end off the jabber. Or a full blown test the next day. I just belly laughed out loud when I read this. Mine does the same thing only he is either telling me in great detail about some tool he is going to make or every scene of some movie or show he has seen. He also doesn't care if I have seen the movie, he still wants to tell me everything that happened in it. I always tell him it's a good thing he is cute or I'd never put up with it. I then threaten to make him listen to generations of my family genealogy if he doesn't shut up. That usually works. Are you married to my husband?  |
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Post by not2peased on Oct 18, 2017 11:26:29 GMT
it sounds to me as if your boyfriend is the one that needs help. I dated someone like your boyfriend and literally, his need had no bottom.
I think you have three choices:
1) find someone more compatible with your needs
2)convince him to see a therapist to help with his over-the-top neediness
3)set boundaries and stick to them with him
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Post by 2peafaithful on Oct 18, 2017 11:48:29 GMT
You have been honest, upfront and he has shown you who he his. It sounds like there are a lot of great aspects of who he is and things you find enjoyable and connect together on. Unsuccessful is a pretty firm indicator for me. Change is hard even when we are motivated.Nothing you said described he was open, humble, willing or valued your input or perspective. I think people can change but in order to want to change they have to really want it and even then it isn't easy. He doesn't have a problem, you do. He is good with what he does. He has shown you who he is. It is working against him but he has to see that. It doesn't sound like he does at this time. Believe him and if it isn't something you want to live with than move on.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 18, 2017 12:02:22 GMT
So my perfect husband jabbers about his work. OMG I COULD STICK AN ICE PICK IN MY EAR. Please shut the f up. seriously I pretend to listen. Which I shouldn't because sometimes there is a quiz at the end off the jabber. Or a full blown test the next day. I just belly laughed out loud when I read this. Mine does the same thing only he is either telling me in great detail about some tool he is going to make or every scene of some movie or show he has seen. He also doesn't care if I have seen the movie, he still wants to tell me everything that happened in it. I always tell him it's a good thing he is cute or I'd never put up with it. I then threaten to make him listen to generations of my family genealogy if he doesn't shut up. That usually works. Scoot over. I need to sit on the bench with y'all. |
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,260
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Oct 18, 2017 12:04:39 GMT
You almost describe my DH, who is my second husband. Super extroverted, single for a long time before we met, no kids, and boy can he talk. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and I have no complaints about anything that would fall in the "major" category. However, as an introvert, I find him exhausting sometimes. LOL The worst part was that because I have a tendency to NOT look people in the eye when they talk, especially when my brain starts to get too much stimuli at once (I have to look away in order to concentrate on the actual content), he thought I wasn't listening or engaged in the conversation. Honestly, I will say that honesty is the best thing. That is what worked for me, after we had a couple of rough spots where we argued because neither of us understood the other. He knows now what some of the signals that I throw off mean, when to leave me be and not to be hurt when I say I need to take a break. I know there are times that he has to talk and hang out and just be with me, and I prepare for those times (like when he first comes home from work). We have just worked through it and learned about each other, and learned to respect each other's needs. My advice is to simply talk to him. thanks! I am an introvert too...and get the same feelings of being overwhelmed sometimes. Todays talk about the screwdriver i thought I was going to loose my mind lol...i was just trying to wash the dishes for crying out loud I totally get it. My poor DH has a terrible short term memory so I get a lot of repeat stories. 😠Definitely talk to him. A long term relationship should be about understanding and compromise. He probably already knows this about you but hearing you describe it and ask for a way to respect your personality will go a long way in determining how the future shakes out |
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Post by mellowyellow on Oct 18, 2017 13:13:11 GMT
I just belly laughed out loud when I read this. Mine does the same thing only he is either telling me in great detail about some tool he is going to make or every scene of some movie or show he has seen. He also doesn't care if I have seen the movie, he still wants to tell me everything that happened in it. I always tell him it's a good thing he is cute or I'd never put up with it. I then threaten to make him listen to generations of my family genealogy if he doesn't shut up. That usually works. Scoot over. I need to sit on the bench with y'all. Have room for one more?! LOL!! Mine will go into great detail about anything car/truck related. And he will stop and rewind his car shows for me to be able to see it. I so badly want to say....I DO NOT CARE but I don't. I just act like I'm interested. He does exhaust me but he's a wonderful man. He also works offshore and is gone 2 weeks out of the month so I do have a reprieve and have my alone time which I am so thankful for. |
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