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Post by ~summer~ on Dec 19, 2017 4:03:50 GMT
I agree you shouldn’t shush an older woman - but he should have used it as an opportunity to let his mom know she constantly interrupts (in a very polite way).
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Post by jenjie on Dec 19, 2017 4:37:49 GMT
Maybe you shouldn't go. Maybe this guy isn't for you. ? I don't have an issue personally with keeping up with several conversations -- I don't think anyone in my family does -- so someone coming in who can't and wants our thinking, our expressions to change or slow down for them ... well, it doesn't sound happy making, for anyone, for the long run. I noticed this with my ds and his friends this weekend. Some people are fine if everyone talks at once, some aren’t. But in this instance, OP was trying to help someone and the interruptions were detrimental. I had ds13 in the car with 3 of his buddies, I took them to Star Wars for his birthday.The 3 friends were all jabbering over one another, all were perfectly content with it. Everyone except ds. “Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys!” I said, jump into the conversation! But he can’t. I don’t know if he’s overwhelmed or feels the need to be heard when he speaks. But this happened several times. He would just give me a sigh. It was very frustrating for him.
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Post by peasapie on Dec 19, 2017 5:00:10 GMT
annabella I was hurt he mentioned it to me. I probably shouldn't have "shhhh-ed" her, and I certainly won't do it again, but he definitely hurt my feelings. I get that, but would you have preferred he didn’t tell you and you continued shushing her? I’d rather know. And then I’d sit down and have a little convo and say “look, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m used to one person speaking at a time and the rules here seem to be a little different. It’s a bit tough for me to get a word in edgewise.”
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Dec 19, 2017 5:19:03 GMT
I would tell him I expect his support no matter what, even if I'm wrong. I'm not saying you can do no wrong, but that he shouldn't discuss your faults with his mom. Like, "yeah, she does that to me, too. Annoying, isn't it?" would be the exact wrong thing to do. But, "I'm sorry you're upset. But mom, you do have a habit of talking over people." would be more appropriate.
I would apologize to her, never shhh her again, and be abundantly obvious when she's talking over others and expects your attention. Maybe that silent pointer finger that says hold on one moment (or stfu in your head), and when the other is finished, say my apolgies Susan, you now have my full attention. What was it you were you saying? (kind smile)
I think I'd be really observant how she acts going forward though. How long have you been dating?
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,637
Jul 31, 2014 5:23:25 GMT
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Post by craftymom101 on Dec 19, 2017 5:34:39 GMT
We've been together about 3 months. He really is a fantastic guy and there have been zero red flags. He's great with the kids, kind, patient, sweet... but his mom is a bit much some times!
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Dec 19, 2017 5:50:21 GMT
I had a feeling it was a new relationship. The more comfortable and steady you become with your boyfriend, the more off kilter she could become. Like a power-dynamic shift taking place.
This may be a fluke of course, or could be a trend. Has he had any other long-term relationships? What happened?
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Dec 19, 2017 6:34:20 GMT
He shouldn’t have told you that. This is a red flag that he caters to her, puts her first, and bigger issues will come along that he’ll side with her on. This. You need to squeeze the spot and say to her that you understand that she was upset with you, however, she has a habit of talking over people at inappropriate times and that you find it irritating. The boyfriend asking you not to do it again raises an eyebrow. He puts his mother before you. Give him one more chance and then show him the door if he sides with her again.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 7:40:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 7:20:56 GMT
We've been together about 3 months. He really is a fantastic guy and there have been zero red flags. He's great with the kids, kind, patient, sweet... but his mom is a bit much some times! Hum. 3 months. I guess this would make me wonder who he would side with more often. His wife ( if you are heading down that road) or his mother.
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Post by anonrefugee on Dec 19, 2017 8:42:34 GMT
I know we're all colored by our experiences, but not all relationships are about taking sides or winning. He wasn't necessarily choosing her over you. Some families strive to get along, and are even friends.
Maybe he's telling you because he wants you to get to know his mother - because he cares about you and wants you to have a smooth relationship. What did he say to her in response? He might have explained it to her from your perspective.
You've said you know you could have handled it better. I wouldn't assume the negative if he's otherwise a decent guy.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Dec 19, 2017 10:18:18 GMT
lololololol the day one of my kid's new bf/gf shushed me in my own home hahahahahaha!
You do need to apologize, and explain your reasons - you know, have the adult conversation everyone here is recommending the MOM is supposed to do. Just flat out say "sorry, dude, I work with kids all day and shhhh is my first innate response. I shouldn't have done that to you. I could not hear. Okay? Okay!"
Grow up and own up.
I dunno about this guy tho - he could have supported you but chose not to. He must be fabulous though, if he's all up in with your kids after only 3 months. Does he had kids too? Mama must have LOTS of opinions about what he's doing with you - there may be more going on than you think.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 19, 2017 10:36:18 GMT
I don't have anything else to add to the OP, but what's up with the several comments basically saying it's not okay to shush older people, but children are fair game? Shushing is rude period. Children are people, and worthy of politeness always.
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Post by tinydogmafia on Dec 19, 2017 10:53:15 GMT
He shouldn’t have told you that. This is a red flag that he caters to her, puts her first, and bigger issues will come along that he’ll side with her on. Absolutely this! IDK where you are in your relationship, but think long term. What if you have kids? Do you want her voice to be more important to your children than your own? Because it will be with this dynamic firmly in place now. She is the more important person in your relationship already. I would not be comfortable with this.
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Post by pelirroja on Dec 19, 2017 11:56:40 GMT
You shushed an older woman in her own home? Yep, you need to apologize. Even if she was rude, two wrongs don't make a right.
I come from a noisy family of interrupters and overtalkers: my DH handles it magnificently well. When someone is trying to get his attention in a loud overtalking way, he stops talking, turns directly face-on towards that person and gives them full attention. Anyone who has that interrupting habit usually stops dead in their tracks, mid-sentence. They keep seeking undivided attention and when they actually get full attention, they don't seem to know what to do with it. Usually they forget what they were saying and life goes right back to where it was before the interruption.
FWIW, I think it's good your bf told you. Apparently this is a big issue for her and now you know what not to do. Ask your bf how to handle it: he knows her well and has dealt with her for years. Watch how he handles it and maybe the two of you can set up a signal if you need him to handle it.
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Post by miranda on Dec 19, 2017 12:00:13 GMT
I'd ask your boyfriend on suggestions on how he "listens" and handles multiple conversations. If nothing else it will make him aware in the future of how crazy it is Dh's Uncle was/is like this, it was horrible because he's loud and obnoxious. I was once talking to the Aunt/his wife and he started talking right over her. I refused to turn and acknowledge him talking so he began poking me. I put a finger up to indicate i'd be with him in a minute, but he just continued. Amazing to me the lack of manners. Dh never really saw it I guess, but Uncle also talked with his mouth full all the damn time. I pointed that out to dh, who'd never noticed and then he couldn't stop noticing So make a point of asking for help in how you can listen better or something and maybe he won't be able to unnoticed mom's flaw lol
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,418
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Dec 19, 2017 12:28:39 GMT
I know we're all colored by our experiences, but not all relationships are about taking sides or winning. He wasn't necessarily choosing her over you. Some families strive to get along, and are even friends. Maybe he's telling you because he wants you to get to know his mother - because he cares about you and wants you to have a smooth relationship. What did he say to her in response? He might have explained it to her from your perspective. You've said you know you could have handled it better. I wouldn't assume the negative if he's otherwise a decent guy. I agree. I didn't see it as him choosing sides, but more of a "hey, just a heads up...". Sometimes we don't know how annoying something can be until someone says something to us. Shhhing a grown woman in her own home is rude. Shhing anyone is rude. It's basically a softer "shut up" in my book.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,738
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Dec 19, 2017 12:39:56 GMT
Yeah, you probably do owe her a short apology, "Sorry, BF tells me your feelings were hurt, I was having a very hard time hearing while trying to help with the Echo, and automatically reverted to "work and student" mode."
Then try to limit your conversations with any and all in full family situations whenever possible. Be the observer at the dinner table. Good luck!
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Post by disneypal on Dec 19, 2017 12:45:55 GMT
I think the next time they’re talking at the same time I would stop talking and when there is break or when they expect you to answer, you say something like “I’m sorry; I am not used to keeping track of multiple conversations at the same time and it’s confusing me. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to me one at a time.” I agree with this. If I were talking and someone else started talking over me, I would stop and wait and then after they are finished talking, I would say something like the above. I would say it is hard for me to concentrate on the conversation that I am trying to have with BF's father when someone else is talking. Honestly, some people just don't even realize what they are doing because it is so second nature for them and I can see why her feelings were a bit hurt (even though your frustration was 100% warranted)
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Post by hop2 on Dec 19, 2017 13:10:15 GMT
It’s not so much the fact that he told you about it at all that is the ‘red flag’ and perhaps we are reading it wrong 3rd hand on the internet. It’s more about how he told you.
He told you ‘you hurt her feelings, don’t do that anymore’ in your retelling of the story. So it comes across to us as he saw you helping them, you had a difficulty while helping them, you made a mistake in a moment of frustration with another person’s rudeness ( who hasn’t at some point ) and the conversation is all about what you did wrong. As in a reprimand. Perhaps a gentle reprimand but a reprimand nonetheless. And no acknowledgement of your predicament and no solutions of how you two can solve this together. No team work, no commiseration, no solutions to the spot you were in. Just you = wrong don’t do that.
I’m not saying dump him & run for the hills. I don’t think any of us said that. But this is the point where you have a talk with him about your feelings and how you need his help when his parents are overwhelming and you’d appreciate him supporting you when things are difficult. This is the moment where you become a team that works together to tackle issues or NOT. Because what you relayed here is not that.
And as full disclosure, yes my view point is definitely affected by past relationships.
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Post by Leone on Dec 19, 2017 13:21:54 GMT
Just be prepared that if she ever becomes your MIL, she will feel comfortable complaining about other things you do.
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Post by anonrefugee on Dec 19, 2017 14:04:47 GMT
But this is the point where you have a talk with him about your feelings and how you need his help when his parents are overwhelming and you’d appreciate him supporting you when things are difficult. This is the moment where you become a team that works together to tackle issues or NOT. . I love this, Hop. It applies to so many relationship issues. I need to make a point to remind my dating sons of this.
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Dec 19, 2017 14:18:00 GMT
He asked you not to do it again? And you were able to keep a straight face? Teach me your ways.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 19, 2017 14:36:21 GMT
I don't have anything else to add to the OP, but what's up with the several comments basically saying it's not okay to shush older people, but children are fair game? Shushing is rude period. Children are people, and worthy of politeness always. I have to respectfully disagree to a point. How are kids supposed to learn when it’s appropriate to keep their trap shut? I shush my own kid countless, numerous, multiple times per day, sometimes per HOUR because frankly, the kid is LOUD! And she has the annoying habit of verbalizing every.single.thought or typed comment when she’s all wrapped up in her Roblox games. She pays no attention to what anyone else is doing as she’s carrying on, and polite requests to pipe down are ignored. DH and I don’t want to chase her off to another room while we’re watching tv or something but she gets incrementally louder and louder and louder until she is all we hear, and then yes, she is definitely getting the “SHHHHH! Indoor voice please!”
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Post by *sprout* on Dec 19, 2017 14:43:00 GMT
I know we're all colored by our experiences, but not all relationships are about taking sides or winning. He wasn't necessarily choosing her over you. Some families strive to get along, and are even friends. Maybe he's telling you because he wants you to get to know his mother - because he cares about you and wants you to have a smooth relationship. What did he say to her in response? He might have explained it to her from your perspective. You've said you know you could have handled it better. I wouldn't assume the negative if he's otherwise a decent guy. I agree. I didn't see it as him choosing sides, but more of a "hey, just a heads up...". Sometimes we don't know how annoying something can be until someone says something to us. Shhhing a grown woman in her own home is rude. Shhing anyone is rude. It's basically a softer "shut up" in my book. This is my thinking, too. I'm surprised by the "red flag" comments.
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Post by hdoublej on Dec 19, 2017 15:36:32 GMT
I'm thinking I work with your MIL... Seriously though, my co-worker does this all.the.time! She interrupts important discussions and says completely random things and then asks questions about what was just said. I've tried ignoring her, I've tried saying...hang on just a second because I need to hear this, I've tried listening to her. Nothing works. I've been here for almost 8 years and I really think it's worse than it used to be. I wish I had good advise for you but I don't lol. I haven't figured out how to deal with it either.
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Post by missbennet on Dec 19, 2017 15:52:24 GMT
We're mostly in agreement that you shouldn't have shushed her. That's right up there with telling people to calm down. As for the BF, at 3 months you are just starting to navigate this kind of stuff together, so just talk to him about it - about what happened, and about how he shared it with you, and what you want to happen now. You'll need to show him how you expect to be treated, and what works for you. If some part of this doesn't work for you, tell him. If it were me, I'd need to think about that and what to say to him before having that conversation. Regarding the Pathological Talker, if I were you, I'd figure out how you're going to deal with the frustration of her yakking in the future. Because this is who she is, and she won't tolerate correction. Now you know that, figure out how you're going to deal with it. Good luck, I am annoyed on your behalf! This is quite a pickle and it reminds me of something Anne Lamott said: If you have a problem that can be solved by throwing money at it, you don't have a very interesting problem. OP, you have a pretty interesting problem.
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Post by seikashaven on Dec 19, 2017 16:02:59 GMT
You were rude. You didn't mean to be and were truly trying to help.
She was rude. She likely didn't mean to be and she was embarrassed when her behaviour was reprimanded by a shush.
If my son's girlfriend of only 3 months shushed me in my own home I'd be pissed too.
Your boyfriend let you know that you hurt someone he cares about. You can either let that be a red flag about how he's a mamas boy and how she'll always come first, or you can take a deep breath and own up to your mistake.
The family dynamics of interrupting and talking over people existed long before you were on the scene. They're not going to change so you need to find a way to work with them. My MIL is like this and of course it drives me crazy, but I'm not going to change her. Instead, I've found a way to point it out to her by stopping the conversation and saying, "Janet, I'm just trying to finish here with Bob. I'd love to chat in just a second". She still interrupts but catches herself now.
It's ok to be annoyed by their family dynamics but you need to decide if you want to be a part of that family or if you want to put your boyfriend in a position of choosing sides.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 19, 2017 16:14:36 GMT
I'm surprised by the "no red flags" comments. Dude told her "not to do it again." Um, really? I think there's nicer ways of saying that, just as there are nicer ways of saying "STFU, I'm trying to do something here."
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Post by missbennet on Dec 19, 2017 16:20:56 GMT
I'm surprised by the "no red flags" comments. Dude told her "not to do it again." Um, really? I think there's nicer ways of saying that, just as there are nicer ways of saying "STFU, I'm trying to do something here." Did notice that and wondered how exactly it was worded and what the tone was. "You offended my mother. Do not do it again." YIKES "My mom was offended, could you not shush her?" Okay.
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Post by Jockscrap on Dec 19, 2017 16:54:57 GMT
I don’t get the red flags from the BF. We don’t know that the BF didn’t defend the OP to his mum - we maybe haven’t got all of the story. Hard to tell also what the context of the being asked not to do it again comment was. I would be absolutely livid if someone shushed me, absolutely LIVID, let alone if it was my DS's new girlfriend. The BF might be playing down how mad his mum actually was - he could have been scraping her off the ceiling, and to keep the peace, really wants to make sure OP doesn’t think that it is okay to do that.
He's in a difficult position, navigating a new relationship and wanting his GF to get on with his parents, and he finds himself in the middle of two woman who have both been rude. If my DH was rude to my parents or a friend of mine, too right I'd tell him, and I’d probably apologise to them on his behalf too, whilst encouraging him to apologise for himself. Just because we love someone, doesn’t mean we have to defend their rude actions to the rest of the world. Yikes, he had to tell OP - this is the sort of thing that could fester forever, with OP not understanding why there's a bit of frost in the air whenever they meet from now on.
I think OP should have a quiet word with his Mum next time they meet, apologise for the shushing, and explain that she just couldn’t think in the moment and it slipped out. Clear the air. She might well apologies too for interrupting. The chances are she is well aware of why you did what you did, and if she's a nice person, she'll appreciate the opportunity to apologise too and make things right.
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Post by seikashaven on Dec 19, 2017 17:44:14 GMT
I'm surprised by the "no red flags" comments. Dude told her "not to do it again." Um, really? I think there's nicer ways of saying that, just as there are nicer ways of saying "STFU, I'm trying to do something here." You're right. The way it was said makes a huge difference. We only have a few words in the OP to go by and we're all probably all interpreting it based on our own experiences.
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