likescarrots
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Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Dec 19, 2017 17:57:19 GMT
We've been together about 3 months. He really is a fantastic guy and there have been zero red flags. He's great with the kids, kind, patient, sweet... but his mom is a bit much some times! this *is* a red flag.
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 19, 2017 18:00:36 GMT
One time at work I interrupted two other teachers having a conversation. One teacher looked at me and said, "How rude." It was and she was right. That situation comes into my head every time I think that what I need to say is more important than the conversation taking place. Some people learn from their actions. Some don't. Was her telling me I was rude rude? Probably not. It needed to be said. Shushing isn't a great reaction to what happened. Stopping and directly announcing that you can't do two things at once would have been the best solution. Being very specific about the problem would help. You are clearly going to have this issue again. Plan for your response and then put this behind you and move on.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 19, 2017 19:20:47 GMT
What did your boyfriend say to his mom when she came to him to say you hurt her feelings?
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The Birdhouse Lady
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Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Dec 19, 2017 19:27:44 GMT
I would tell him I expect his support no matter what, even if I'm wrong. I'm not saying you can do no wrong, but that he shouldn't discuss your faults with his mom. Like, "yeah, she does that to me, too. Annoying, isn't it?" would be the exact wrong thing to do. But, "I'm sorry you're upset. But mom, you do have a habit of talking over people." would be more appropriate. I would apologize to her, never shhh her again, and be abundantly obvious when she's talking over others and expects your attention. Maybe that silent pointer finger that says hold on one moment (or stfu in your head), and when the other is finished, say my apolgies Susan, you now have my full attention. What was it you were you saying? (kind smile)I think I'd be really observant how she acts going forward though. How long have you been dating?
I think this is great advice.
FTR...I can stand it when people are constantly interrupting and talking over each other. But really, who does!
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Post by Tamhugh on Dec 19, 2017 19:32:20 GMT
She said in the OP that he asked her not to do it again. If I had been rude to DH's mom back when we first started dating, and he asked me not to be rude to her again, I would have apologized and moved on. I would definitely not have thought it was red flag for our relationship. Truthfully, it would be more of a red flag if a guy allowed a new girlfriend to be rude to his mother.
As for his mom saying something to her son and not the OP, I think different families handle things differently. In DH's and my family, we all kind of say something outright if someone pisses us off or offends us. But we have all been around forever. When I was new to the dynamics? I don't know if I would have been comfortable doing that. BIL and SIL follow her family's lead and if there is a problem with the in-laws, the birth child handles it. It has caused a lot of hard feelings over the years but it is just how they choose to handle conflicts.
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Post by giatocj on Dec 19, 2017 19:42:57 GMT
We've been together about 3 months. He really is a fantastic guy and there have been zero red flags. He's great with the kids, kind, patient, sweet... but his mom is a bit much some times! You've been together 3 months and you shushed his mom?? I get that over-talking is annoying, to say the least (I come from a very LONG line of over-talkers, so I really do get it), but man...your reaction was pretty disrespectful. I would totally have expected my husband (at boyfriend stage) to ask me to respect his mom in a situation like that, no matter how long we'd been together. I don't see it as choosing sides, I see it as wanting respect for his mom. Should she over-talk and interrupt? Of course not, but 2 wrongs still don't make a right.
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Post by *sprout* on Dec 19, 2017 20:04:07 GMT
Truthfully, it would be more of a red flag if a guy allowed a new girlfriend to be rude to his mother. YES!! I agree!!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 19, 2017 20:19:28 GMT
It wasn't nice to shush her. But she was incredibly rude to talk over you. In fact, if I had been in her shoes the last thing I would have done was complain at my son about it. I would have been embarrassed that I was being so rude. I would have apologized on the spot.
Her reaction is a red flag imo. She honestly thinks she has room to gripe about the shushing. I'm wondering what other rude behavior she thinks is alright.
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scrappyesq
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Jun 26, 2014 19:29:07 GMT
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Post by scrappyesq on Dec 19, 2017 21:05:58 GMT
annabella I was hurt he mentioned it to me. I probably shouldn't have "shhhh-ed" her, and I certainly won't do it again, but he definitely hurt my feelings. I understand being frustrated. Shhhing may not have been the best move BUT him coming to you later is what sticks out for me. I don't know the best advice but from my perspective it would be a knockdown dragout fight if DH ever came to me and reprimanded me about an interaction with his mother.
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Dec 19, 2017 21:29:34 GMT
Ugh. You needed her to STFU so you could help her son and she wouldn't comply. Great. You hurt her feelings. And we have to feel sorry for this because she is older, a mother or some other crap. She was rude. I absolutely come from a family of over talkers and it is SO FUCKING ANNOYING that I am angry at them on your behalf. People really have no clue how annoying this is. In my head, I see it as selfish, self-centered and equally as appalling as being shushed. So frustration... I get it.
You can't win this. If this guy is worth it, approach her and say Joe said I hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. Thank you for being so comfortable asking him to tell me. Feel free to reach out to me as well, any time. Period. Then, next time - because there will be one - come up with a solution. What works in my family is I hold up my hand to stop. I don't give a shit if anybody thinks it is rude, it works. My mother is the biggest offender and she has had the hand three times today. She literally can't see that my children are already talking to me. I don't know if she thinks she gets priority but she doesn't. Next, is my husband - again - the hand. I will absolutely jump down his throat with more than a shush if he continues to do it. My children - the hand - they are the best. They will stand and wait patiently while the two adults hem and haw like they are the children. I doubt the hand will work for you so something sweetly like, "Joe's Mom - just a minute and I'll be able to listen. My mind is racing trying to compile all this information coming at me." Smile sweetly and if she doesn't stop walk away.
Gah! You've hit a nerve here. Seriously - such an annoying behavior!!!!!!!! I really just can't beat you up for shushing her. It's like being waterboarded. Just how much can you take?!
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Post by salem on Dec 19, 2017 21:36:51 GMT
Ugh. You needed her to STFU so you could help her son and she wouldn't comply. Great. You hurt her feelings. And we have to feel sorry for this because she is older, a mother or some other crap. She was rude. I absolutely come from a family of over talkers and it is SO FUCKING ANNOYING that I am angry at them on your behalf. People really have no clue how annoying this is. In my head, I see it as selfish, self-centered and equally as appalling as being shushed. So frustration... I get it. You can't win this. If this guy is worth it, approach her and say Joe said I hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. Thank you for being so comfortable asking him to tell me. Feel free to reach out to me as well, any time. Period. Then, next time - because there will be one - come up with a solution. What works in my family is I hold up my hand to stop. I don't give a shit if anybody thinks it is rude, it works. My mother is the biggest offender and she has had the hand three times today. She literally can't see that my children are already talking to me. I don't know if she thinks she gets priority but she doesn't. Next, is my husband - again - the hand. I will absolutely jump down his throat with more than a shush if he continues to do it. My children - the hand - they are the best. They will stand and wait patiently while the two adults hem and haw like they are the children. I doubt the hand will work for you so something sweetly like, "Joe's Mom - just a minute and I'll be able to listen. My mind is racing trying to compile all this information coming at me." Smile sweetly and if she doesn't stop walk away. Gah! You've hit a nerve here. Seriously - such an annoying behavior!!!!!!!! I really just can't beat you up for shushing her. It's like being waterboarded. Just how much can you take?! [ Absolutely. Could not agree more.
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craftymom101
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Posts: 3,643
Jul 31, 2014 5:23:25 GMT
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Post by craftymom101 on Dec 19, 2017 21:59:58 GMT
I talked with my BF last night and he said his mom isn't upset, she mentioned it in passing, and everything is fine. I haven't fully processed how I want to handle the situation further, or if I will drop it and deal with each situation as it comes. I am going to talk to him about the *way* he told me to "not do it again". He patted my hand and it felt very patronizing to me. I made a mistake, but I'm also not a toddler. Yes, it's a new relationship and navigating his family is a challenge! They have an unusual family dynamic that I'm adjusting to. I do want to clarify that I didn't "shush" her with a glare or a scowl. My mom likes to ask me to do techy things for her (download new Silhouette Cameo software, fiddle with her photoshop program, stuff like that), then proceed to stand over my shoulder and tell me exactly what to do while I attempt to fix the issue she claims she doesn't know how to fix. Usually after a few minutes I'll turn to her, while laughing, and say "hush so I can fix this!". She laughs too, then sits down and shuts up for ten minutes while I fix the problem. It's a running joke between us, now, because the exact same situation happens every time! That is how I responded to his mother... I was laughing when I said it, because I was trying fix his Echo with her trying to talk directly to me about something else, and his sister was babbling in the background to... someone else? I hope it wasn't me, lol. I wasn't malicious and certainly didn't intend to be hurtful; I was expecting a reaction similar to my mother's, who realizes she is not helping. Apparently that is not the dynamic in his family. I'm not breaking up with him over this. I don't believe he was taking her side, but his mom put him in the position of keeping the peace. After sitting on this for a day, I'm glad I know that I hurt her feelings and I will approach her with kid gloves going forward. She must be super sensitive if this upset her.
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Deleted
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Jun 10, 2024 1:31:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 22:07:23 GMT
She must be super sensitive if this upset her. No. You humiliated her in her own home, that doesn't make her super sensitive.
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Post by digirlwiz on Dec 19, 2017 22:13:58 GMT
I have not read all the comments- my advice- in private apologize to her and tell her it gets confusing for you when there is more than 1 conversation going on at the same time and ask her if this happens again- how can you let her know? You are not going to break her habit- but you may smooth things over with an apology about the sushing and looking for a solution together.
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Post by katiekaty on Dec 19, 2017 23:26:36 GMT
First off you don't ssshhhh adults. If she was interrupting you can nicely say, excuse let me finish helping him with this, then we can talk. Apologize. Make light of it. Don't take so much offense. It probably did hurt her feelings or upset her somewhat-unintentionally. . If you want the relationship to last, play nice. Can't handle too many conversations at once, lightly say so! You may become part of this family, so act grown up and accept that not everyone is perfect and be gentle with each other. It doesn't sound like your BF is take any sides either, just commenting how his mom felt. How YOU handle it will determine a lot of future issues! The PEAS advice can sometimes be extreme so dump him over this minor thing!
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kibblesandbits
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At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Dec 20, 2017 0:24:52 GMT
After sitting on this for a day, I'm glad I know that I hurt her feelings and I will approach her with kid gloves going forward. She must be super sensitive if this upset her. It appears you've missed the point. SaveSave
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,643
Jul 31, 2014 5:23:25 GMT
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Post by craftymom101 on Dec 20, 2017 0:31:31 GMT
I didn't miss the point, I promise! No more shush-ing and I'm going to be more aware of how I interact with her.
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Dec 20, 2017 1:19:57 GMT
After sitting on this for a day, I'm glad I know that I hurt her feelings and I will approach her with kid gloves going forward. She must be super sensitive if this upset her. It appears you've missed the point. SaveSaveWant to explain the point, because I’ve obviously missed it too - what, she’s not sensitive? She shouldn’t be handled with Kidd gloves?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 20, 2017 1:31:58 GMT
Count me in as confused too. Both of them were rude. The overtalker and the shusher. My sister and I were making cookies on Saturday three times she talked to me like she would her seven year old. You know in bossy mom voice. I love my sister. The first two times I let it roll. The third time I asked her if she had her bossy pants on that day. She immediately apologized, gave me a hug and we had a good laugh.
People who get their panties in a twist over stupid stuff just drive me nuts. Family relationships are so close you're bound to overstep sometimes. Do you hold it against a person forever? Do you tattle to your mom/son/whoever? No. You put on your big girl pants and deal. We are all imperfect.
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Dec 20, 2017 1:42:02 GMT
She must be super sensitive if this upset her. No. You humiliated her in her own home, that doesn't make her super sensitive. Humiliated? Wow, that's a little much.
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Rhondito
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Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Dec 20, 2017 1:52:10 GMT
Usually after a few minutes I'll turn to her, while laughing, and say "hush so I can fix this!". This is me! If it makes you feel better, I probably would've shushed her too. I can only handle so much of someone talking over me and interrupting before I either have to walk away or explode. Or I completely shut down. Now you've learned your lesson and know not to shush her; hopefully she's learned hers and won't talk over everyone when speaking to you.
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Dec 20, 2017 1:54:36 GMT
Yeah, you probably do owe her a short apology, "Sorry, BF tells me your feelings were hurt, I was having a very hard time hearing while trying to help with the Echo, and automatically reverted to "work and student" mode." This is perfect. You apologize with no "but" (there is nothing worse IMHO than a "Sorry, but..." because all it means is you feel completely justified - NOT truly apologetic!), and best of all, you make the communication directly with the mom. This sends the message that you will not use bf as the go-between. I, too, hate overtalkers and people who participate in three conversations at once (it always feels like they're hedging their bets in case one of the conversations isn't interesting enough for them). "Hang on a sec," seems more polite than "Hush," but I totally understand the urge to treat some grown adults like the rude kindergarteners they resemble!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 20, 2017 2:00:46 GMT
Rhondito, $10 says the mother hasn't learned a damn thing since she felt this was so egregious she had to tattle to her son. OP if you're spending any holiday time with her please be sure to report back.
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gina
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Posts: 3,229
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on Dec 20, 2017 4:14:24 GMT
Usually after a few minutes I'll turn to her, while laughing, and say "hush so I can fix this!". This is me! If it makes you feel better, I probably would've shushed her too. I can only handle so much of someone talking over me and interrupting before I either have to walk away or explode. Or I completely shut down. Now you've learned your lesson and know not to shush her; hopefully she's learned hers and won't talk over everyone when speaking to you. Ditto to all of this! Some people are being way too hard on the OP! Dump the boyfriend already? Kind of extreme. OP, you seem intelligent and I wish you luck with this woman. I'm a loud Italian who talks with my hands. No way would I let anyone talk over me. ha ha SaveSave
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Post by MsChiff on Dec 20, 2017 4:42:17 GMT
She must be super sensitive if this upset her. No. You humiliated her in her own home, that doesn't make her super sensitive. Seriously? If nicely being called on her bad behavior humiliated her, she has some serious growing up to do. In this situation, I don't consider shushing rude. The OP was working on something and clearly responded without thinking so that she could finish the favor she was doing for the family. It's not like her and the Mom were having a conversation and she shushed the Mom to make her own point. If someone was helping me and I was yammering on so they couldn't think and they shushed me, I'd shut up and apologize for distracting them, knowing that no "humiliation" or "disrespect" was intended but it was merely a reminder that many people need quiet to think and figure out things, especially techie things. And, really, if you possess the habit of interrupting and talking over others, you need to acknowledge your bad habit and be accepting when others react to it, especially when it's not done maliciously. I'm surprised at the number of people that would feel "humiliated," "disrespected" for this. I'd think they'd rather their bad habits be addressed and in their own home than in public. SaveSave
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azredhead
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Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Dec 20, 2017 5:33:15 GMT
No. You humiliated her in her own home, that doesn't make her super sensitive. Seriously? If nicely being called on her bad behavior humiliated her, she has some serious growing up to do. In this situation, I don't consider shushing rude. The OP was working on something and clearly responded without thinking so that she could finish the favor she was doing for the family. It's not like her and the Mom were having a conversation and she shushed the Mom to make her own point. If someone was helping me and I was yammering on so they couldn't think and they shushed me, I'd shut up and apologize for distracting them, knowing that no "humiliation" or "disrespect" was intended but it was merely a reminder that many people need quiet to think and figure out things, especially techie things. And, really, if you possess the habit of interrupting and talking over others, you need to acknowledge your bad habit and be accepting when others react to it, especially when it's not done maliciously. I'm surprised at the number of people that would feel "humiliated," "disrespected" for this. I'd think they'd rather their bad habits be addressed and in their own home than in public. SaveSaveYUP!! And esepcially if she was helping someone else... She just wanted to involved in her way. I know a few like that. I like thejust be quiet in your head and waiting for her to start talking or not. In her own home or not it's still rude to interupt someone trying to be helpful. Especiallly if what she was saying wasn't regarding the situation. I hope the BF can casually say something to much 'like well she was being helpful and you wouldn't shut up long enough. " he could joke with her about it or something then he's not caught in between.
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Dec 20, 2017 6:02:59 GMT
She must be super sensitive if this upset her. No. You humiliated her in her own home, that doesn't make her super sensitive. The two are not mutually exclusive. I would say that if being shushed humiliated her, she is indeed super-sensitive.
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kibblesandbits
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Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Dec 20, 2017 12:14:27 GMT
It appears you've missed the point. SaveSaveWant to explain the point, because I’ve obviously missed it too - what, she’s not sensitive? She shouldn’t be handled with Kidd gloves? The point is this - OP was rude and needs to acknowledge it and apologize. It has nothing to do with whether the mom was rude (she was). OP needs to adult and apologize for her own rude behavior. THEN state her own need for less confusing conversations. Not enter the home with the attitude of "oh, drama queen, I'm bring my kid gloves to handle you the delicate flower that can't deal with me shushing you". Where is that going to get anyone? See? SaveSave
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Deleted
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Jun 10, 2024 1:31:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2017 12:37:19 GMT
No. You humiliated her in her own home, that doesn't make her super sensitive. Seriously? If nicely being called on her bad behavior humiliated her, she has some serious growing up to do. In this situation, I don't consider shushing rude. The OP was working on something and clearly responded without thinking so that she could finish the favor she was doing for the family. It's not like her and the Mom were having a conversation and she shushed the Mom to make her own point. If someone was helping me and I was yammering on so they couldn't think and they shushed me, I'd shut up and apologize for distracting them, knowing that no "humiliation" or "disrespect" was intended but it was merely a reminder that many people need quiet to think and figure out things, especially techie things. And, really, if you possess the habit of interrupting and talking over others, you need to acknowledge your bad habit and be accepting when others react to it, especially when it's not done maliciously. I'm surprised at the number of people that would feel "humiliated," "disrespected" for this. I'd think they'd rather their bad habits be addressed and in their own home than in public. SaveSaveBeing told to hush is not being nicely called on anything. Would you honestly not be pissed off if a virtual stranger came into your home and told you to shush? I think most people would.
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JustTricia
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Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
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Post by JustTricia on Dec 20, 2017 13:24:15 GMT
Obviously excessive talking is a part of her personality and she doesn’t realize she’s being rude. You aren’t going to change her. Adjusting your reactions so you don’t do something equally as rude is on you.
But I think realizing she’s an overtalker and adjusting and “treating her with kid gloves” because she’s “sensitive”’are opposite ends of the spectrum. I hope she doesn’t judge you and treat you differently because of this one incident.
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