craftymom101
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Post by craftymom101 on Dec 19, 2017 1:44:02 GMT
My bf told me today that last week, while I was at his parent's house for dinner, I hurt his mom's feelings because I "shushed" her. His mom has a really bad habit of talking over other people, talking to me while someone else is clearly having a conversation with me, or talking to me while looking in the other direction, causing me to wonder if she's talking to me, my bf, her husband, or the kitchen cabinets? It's a weird habit. She is a quiet speaker anyway, so I have a hard time hearing her, but if I am talking with bf at dinner she just starts randomly talking over both of us, expecting us to stop and listen to her & respond. Anyway, last week, I was helping her husband with his Amazon Echo (he was having trouble playing music) and THE ENTIRE TIME I was talking with him, trying to figure out what he was having issues with, she was trying to talk over both of us about something completely different. Because of the multiple conversations, I was having a hard time figuring out exactly what he was having issues with, and I said something along the lines of "shhhhh for just a second!" so I could understand him. I said it in a joking manner, but she took offense. I was *thinking* "shut the f**k up so I can hear him", but didn't say that! Lol.
She brought up the situation to my bf, who asked me "not to do that again". I'm feeling... frustrated. I don't think I should have to tell a grown woman not to constantly interrupt me and/or her husband, and talking over other people is so rude! But I obviously didn't handle the situation correctly. How would you handle this in the future? I am having dinner with them on Thursday and honestly, I'm dreading it. I really do like his parents, and I want them to like me, but they have no idea how a conversation should work! At another point that evening, I had his mom, sister, and step-dad ALL talking to me at once. At the exact same time. I was expected to track and respond to three conversations simultaneously! OMG I wanted to scream. Help!
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Post by jemmls4 on Dec 19, 2017 2:00:53 GMT
I think the next time they’re talking at the same time I would stop talking and when there is break or when they expect you to answer, you say something like “I’m sorry; I am not used to keeping track of multiple conversations at the same time and it’s confusing me. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to me one at a time.”
And you can keep thinking “shut the hell up” in your mind.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 19, 2017 2:02:17 GMT
My MIL talks over everyone and interrupts them all the time so I get your frustration, but I would never tell her "shhhh" for a few reasons. 1. It's rude (yes I know she was rude to you) and it would cause a shit storm so for my own insanity I wouldn't want to cause the shit storm because she's his mother and isn't going anywhere. 2. You "shhh" her probably won't do a bit of good because it's likely a bad habit she just can't break.
If I was you I would probably just tell her you're sorry she got upset over the "shhhh" and it wasn't out of meanness but just you were trying to focus.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Dec 19, 2017 2:02:52 GMT
I'm not sure how you should react when she starts talking over you. But I'm 100% sure shhh-ing her is not the way to go. She may have a bad habit but it doesn't sound like she is intentionally being rude. Shhh-ing your boyfriend's mother does sound intentionally rude, even if you believe you said it in a joking manner.
You can try stopping when she talks. Waiting until she finishes, pausing, and then turn back to your boyfriend and start with an "As I was saying..." You can even try a quick "hold on one second, Sally, I need to finish telling your son this one little thing..."
I shush people all.day.long. Children, but never adults.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Dec 19, 2017 2:04:13 GMT
I think that shhhhh to an adult can only be taken In a bad way and was probably rude on your part. As the poster above said, there are better ways to handle this
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Post by annabella on Dec 19, 2017 2:15:03 GMT
He shouldn’t have told you that. This is a red flag that he caters to her, puts her first, and bigger issues will come along that he’ll side with her on.
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Dec 19, 2017 2:18:06 GMT
Maybe you can gag her.  |
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craftymom101
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Post by craftymom101 on Dec 19, 2017 2:21:41 GMT
annabella I was hurt he mentioned it to me. I probably shouldn't have "shhhh-ed" her, and I certainly won't do it again, but he definitely hurt my feelings.
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Post by jackietex on Dec 19, 2017 2:22:20 GMT
I was raised in a home where it was not considered rude to do this, so I didn't know any better but I picked up it eventually. My inlaws are very polite and if they always would stop speaking if someone interrupted. I would cringe when our two families would get together, even though I don't think my parents ever realized what was really happening. I think if your bf's mother/family is used to this then they would also understand if you didn't hear every question. But shushing another adult is embarrassing and can be humiliating.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 19, 2017 2:23:06 GMT
He shouldn’t have told you that. This is a red flag that he caters to her, puts her first, and bigger issues will come along that he’ll side with her on. absolutely he should have told her that. How would she know she offended the woman if he hadn't told her? |
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 3:43:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 2:25:24 GMT
He shouldn’t have told you that. This is a red flag that he caters to her, puts her first, and bigger issues will come along that he’ll side with her on. I agree with Annabella. This is a bad habit she has had for longer than you've been alive. It will NOT get better no matter what you do. There is no joking way to tell her to stop talking. Either accept it or move on to a different boy friend. YOu are never going to take mommy's place. She will always be the one he sides with. |
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 3:43:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 2:27:56 GMT
You asked wwyd?
I would apologize to bf and his mother and try to avoid spending time with his mother in the future. Not the best situation, I know, if your relationship is serious, but you are very unlikely to be able to do anything about her rude behavior.
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Post by annabella on Dec 19, 2017 2:30:25 GMT
I do think it was rude of her to shhhh an older woman she barely knows. But her son can’t go around running to everyone telling them how they hurt mommy’s feelings over something small. Is this going to become a habit? After every dinner she gets a report on what she did wrong.
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craftymom101
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Post by craftymom101 on Dec 19, 2017 2:32:21 GMT
Thankfully my bf did not inherit this habit... it really does drive me nuts. How do you have a conversation when you only hear 30% of what someone is saying to you? Yes, looking back I shouldn't have said "shhhh" to her. However, I work with children all day and that is exactly what I would have told them if they were exhibiting the same behavior! I think it was more habit than anything, on my part. In my family we take turns talking, listen to the other person, then respond accordingly. The whole idea of everyone talking over everyone else drives me crazy.
Anyway, I am going to try some of the tactics suggested above and see what happens. Hopefully I will have better results. BF hasn't sided with her on anything else, and has very different views than his family (which I really like... they are super religious and he is not, etc.), so I don't see this as a reason to leave the relationship.
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 19, 2017 2:37:23 GMT
He should have told her "Mom you were talking when she was trying to listen to Dad, what was she supposed to do"? The family sounds seriously disfunctional and your relationship with the mother Will disintegrate rapidly if she thinks she can dictate what you can say. What happened is just a drop in the bucket. If you are serious about this man you need to move far, far away. Another country would be good.
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Post by smokeynspike on Dec 19, 2017 2:38:57 GMT
My first thought was "time to find a new boyfriend." How long have you been together? Is this behavior on your boyfriend's part with his mom normal? ETA: I see that you said this wasn't normal. So that is good.
If I was interested in keeping my relationship going, I would apologize to his mother and have a frank discussion with her that you aren't used to people interrupting conversations and that you wanted to be honest with her about your viewpoint as well. But I wouldn't expect that to go well either and I think you are in a hard spot here where you can't win no matter what.
Melissa
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craftymom101
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Post by craftymom101 on Dec 19, 2017 2:39:10 GMT
georgiapea after Net Neutrality was repealed last week, we talked about moving to Europe, so another country is not off the table!
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Post by annabella on Dec 19, 2017 2:42:31 GMT
It’s not about having different political or religious views from his family. It’s about seeing a ridiculous situation blown out of proportion and feeling the need to relay that info back to you.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 3:43:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 2:48:44 GMT
Best thing to do is just own it because it was offensive. When you see her, tell her that you understand you hurt her feelings and am sorry for that. You can even go on to say that you want her to feel comfortable enough tell you herself the next time something is bothering her, because you really do care what she thinks.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Dec 19, 2017 2:49:57 GMT
annabella I was hurt he mentioned it to me. I probably shouldn't have "shhhh-ed" her, and I certainly won't do it again, but he definitely hurt my feelings. Might have been nice if he'd said to her: "hey, she was trying to help dad and you kept talking. She's a really nice person and would never mean to hurt your feelings" and then let it roll and not tell you. No one likes criticism like that, particularly when you were trying to do something nice. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 2:51:57 GMT
With my hearing loss, I'm slowly training the in laws how to speak to me or anyone else that is hard of hearing. I've told them that I cannot follow multiple people at once so if they want my attention, they need to wait.
If you have a similar problem, then I'd probably apologize for the shh-ing and follow it up with "multiple people talking at once to me is very difficult for me. I can only follow one conversation at a time."
And yes, the boyfriend should've defended you.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 19, 2017 2:57:18 GMT
I wouldn’t say one word to her unless she brings it up to you herself. I ignore things that are not presented to me directly. If she says something directly to you then apologize and explain.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 19, 2017 2:59:49 GMT
annabella I was hurt he mentioned it to me. I probably shouldn't have "shhhh-ed" her, and I certainly won't do it again, but he definitely hurt my feelings. Might have been nice if he'd said to her: "hey, she was trying to help dad and you kept talking. She's a really nice person and would never mean to hurt your feelings" and then let it roll and not tell you. No one likes criticism like that, particularly when you were trying to do something nice. I’m with peabay and Annabella on this you were trying to fix his tech issue and your BF should have your back. Yes probably not the best idea to shush her but neither is him telling you your ‘grade’ from her after each encounter. He either has your back or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t the future might be aggravating to say the least |
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smginaz Suzy
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Dec 19, 2017 3:00:24 GMT
I would apologize and ask bf how to manage the same issue when it happens again, as it inevitably will.
"You're right, I should not have shushed her. I was having a hard time focusing on the Echo and she did not seem aware that I was in the middle of something. How do you respond when she interrupts or seems oblivious to the fact that she is entering a conversation?"
Interrupters dont know or dont care about any conversation other than the one they need to be having. In the case of the Echo, I probably would have just stopped every time she interrupted, given her my full attention, and used the phrase that was given earlier when multiple people are talking at you, along the lines of "sorry, what? I missed that with the 3 conversations happening at once."
YOu have to decide whether it's a deal-breaker, because it won't change. Me? I just stop participating in a lot of conversations and instead just watch everyone else talking over each other. I find it fascinating to watch and way less stressful than trying to participate. YMMV.
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Post by dewryce on Dec 19, 2017 3:15:44 GMT
annabella I was hurt he mentioned it to me. I probably shouldn't have "shhhh-ed" her, and I certainly won't do it again, but he definitely hurt my feelings. It would have hurt my feelings too! And you're being asked to "not do that again," rightly so and you've acknowledged that and sought out advice for fixing it in the future. Good. But she was rude too, repeatedly. Probably out of habit and not intentional, but rude all the same. Has he asked her not to be rude? Or apologize for constantly interrupting? I can see him making you aware if he didn't want you blind-sided if she said anything. And because he felt it could have help in the future. If I was rude to my MIL and didn't realize it I would want my DH to point it out privately. But from this perspective it feels like she went tattling to him instead of treating you like an adult and discussing it with you. And now you're the only one being held accountable. |
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scrappinmama
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Post by scrappinmama on Dec 19, 2017 3:19:28 GMT
Yes someone talking over you is rude, but telling someone shhhh is equally rude. Maybe try telling her that you are in the middle of something and will talk to her in a minute.
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Loydene
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Post by Loydene on Dec 19, 2017 3:20:34 GMT
Maybe you shouldn't go. Maybe this guy isn't for you.  ? I don't have an issue personally with keeping up with several conversations -- I don't think anyone in my family does -- so someone coming in who can't and wants our thinking, our expressions to change or slow down for them ... well, it doesn't sound happy making, for anyone, for the long run. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 19, 2017 3:36:12 GMT
I don’t know what I would do but that would send me straight over the edge. I probably would tip my head down slightly, put both my hands up and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there everybody! I’m so sorry but I just can’t follow all of these different conversations at once!”
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Country Ham
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Post by Country Ham on Dec 19, 2017 3:46:40 GMT
He shouldn’t have told you that. This is a red flag that he caters to her, puts her first, and bigger issues will come along that he’ll side with her on. I agree with Annabella. This is a bad habit she has had for longer than you've been alive. It will NOT get better no matter what you do. There is no joking way to tell her to stop talking. Either accept it or move on to a different boy friend. YOu are never going to take mommy's place. She will always be the one he sides with. I don't know. I have seen many husband and wife situations where advice is given "have your husband talk to his parents, they are HIS parents" in similar situations. In an ideal world the mother would of just spoken up at the time but she probably got replaying the situation in her head and felt embarrassed. I think it takes a lot of courage for this boyfriend to approach his gf that he hurt his mother's feelings. I would rather know then everyone being passive aggressive around each other and pretending. |
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Dec 19, 2017 3:57:25 GMT
Yes, shusshing her was rude, but it was nicer than you wanted to say so he should give you some credit for that (and I certainly would've told him that). If what you did gets all the censure and no one points out her initiation of the problem then next time, say what you want to say. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I didn't catch how long you've been together or how often you interact with her but let me point out some red flags based on my experiences in life:
Her problem was with you, yet she went to him with it, putting everyone in an awkward position. Now he has to pick a side.
He picked hers. Expect more of it in the future. He KNOWS how she is, as I assume he's experienced it for years, and he didn't like how you responded to it. He seems unlikely to have your back on any issue that involves long standing personality issues or beliefs. I've seen little things like this escalate quickly when the wedding gets planned or the first kid comes.
You were trying to be helpful, she was interfering (not necessarily intentionally but all the same). Next time they need help with something, their son can do it. Or you can do it without her around.
I say this as someone who grew up with and has a large family of loud people and sometimes the only way to be heard was to talk over someone or you'd never get a word in edgewise: she probably knows better and just doesn't care. She just didn't like someone calling her on her it.
I don't see any apology you could give here that wouldn't be an issue: yes, you are sorry she was hurt... but you wouldn't have had to if she wasn't being a problem. You are owed an equal apology by her for being rude initially and putting you in the position to have to shush her, and your boyfriend owes you an apology for either not reining her in or at least telling her to take the problem to you and deal with it like adults. Rather this reads like a kid getting in trouble and then running to the parent they feel will be most sympathetic and spinning a yarn.
So what should you do? Some things to consider: What you can live with for the rest of your relationship, because this could be an example of things to come. Can you eat crow even though you weren't necessarily to blame? Can you handle wondering if she's going to him after every get together and saying something or making comments? Can you get her to stop or modify her behavior? Can you stand up for yourself if other issues arise? Will he stand up if necessary? Did he come to you as an adult to his equal with his concerns and express himself in a respectful way or did he treat you as if you were an errant child?
Lord knows, I'd be livid if a kid's SO hushed me in my own home. But an adult should recognize when they've brought it on themselves.
Now you may get lucky and this is an aberration. But don't be surprised if it's not. I'm not saying dump the guy, even if experience makes it my first thought, but keep your eyes open. You may notice things you wouldn't have otherwise.
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